Using You

by Ariel Arnold

  “Yeah, that’s fine,” he said. I took the chance to quickly glance at him and saw that he was watching me strangely. “Is it okay if I come up or do you want me to wait out here for you?”

  See! There he went again being a perfect gentleman. How could he, this Ilya, my Ilya, be the feared Ilya Volstolv that everyone was gunning for?

  “You can come upstairs. I’ll really be a minute, I swear.” I quickly turned away from him and walked up the stairs. I wanted to look behind me to see if Ilya was actually following because he was always so silent but I didn’t dare. He had to know that something was up, that I was different, I could barely even look at him. I unlocked my apartments door and clicked the light switch on the wall just inside the entrance. “You can sit on the couch, the TV is right there, just turn it on if you get bored.” I told him gesturing towards the couch even as I still couldn’t look at him. I hightailed it to the back of my apartment were my bedroom was and slammed the door behind me. Leaving up against the closed door I held my hand to my racing heart and breathed deeply. How was I going to manage this? How was I going to pull this off?

  I pushed away from the door and crossed over to my closet where I pulled out something simple to wear. There was no point in stalling, I had to through with this movie night and I needed something I could tell my superiors in the morning. I know that they were expecting me to miraculously have some information that would break the case for them even though rationally it would take me more than one night. By the time all of this was over I'd have a complete nervous breakdown. I’d already began lighting my nails and nibbling on my bottom lip, next I'd probably be pulling out my hair.

  Once I was showered and dressed I reluctantly exited my room and walked down the hall. I couldn’t hear the sound of the TV going which made me wonder if because of my awkward vibe, Ilya had gone home and called the whole evening off. I rounded the corner and stopped short at the sight that was before me; Ilya on my couch, asleep. He’d turned himself sideways and was leaned up against the arm rest with his feet pulled up. His shoes sat on the floor right in front of the couch discarded. There was something about having a man in my home, asleep. This man in particular. My soul was simultaneously leaping for joy while withering in fear.

  Ilya, a feared member of the bratva, obviously trusted me. How does would he so easily be able to fall asleep in my home? In my presence, knowing who I am?

  That trust terrified me because I knew I was going to break it, once all of this was over Ilya would hate me. But did I really care? I shouldn’t care. He’s a criminal and criminals are supposed to be published for their crimes. So if at the end of all this he hated me, so be it. Even as I thought all of this, as I pretended that I was tough and cold hearted my gaze couldn’t leave his face. Ilya always left me mesmerized, like I was in some type of trance. He was such a beautiful man, so quietly self-assured, everything about him attracted me to him. If only things were different, if only he wasn’t born into a life of gang violence.

  Without my permission my hand slowly reached out hovering over Ilya’s face. As delicately as possible I trailer one finger over his rugged high cheekbones. His eyelashes were amazingly long for a guy and they fluttered as my fingers trailed over his face yet still I continued on my quest, I couldn’t be stopped. Something compelled me to continue, like this might be my only chance to do this.

  I traced his eyebrows gently, my fingers leaving butterfly kisses all over until I reached his lips. His wondrous lips that had kissed me like nothing I could have ever imagined. They were so soft and plump, as I was lost in the feel of Ilya’s lips I was jolted in surprise when I felt a hand wrap around my wrist stopping it’s motion. My gaze flew up to see Ilya’s eyes open watching me intently.

  “I’m sorry.” I mumbled as I tried to tug my hand away but Ilya’s grip was too strong. He held my wrist firmly and wouldn’t let go. He just watched me with a strange look in his eyes as I wondered what was going on in his mind. “Ilya?” I said questioning as I again tried to pull back. Instead Ilya tugged on my wrist making me topple over on top of him. The air woodshed out of me as I followed with his hard muscled chest. At this distance I could clearly see the desire in Ilya's eyes as he watched me.

  Chapter Twelve: Ilya

  Nana had been acting strange since she returned from work. She wouldn’t look me in the eye and she seemed hesitant. Almost as if she was afraid of something or someone. She was currently in the shower as I surveyed her apartment. It was clean, spotless actually. I didn’t take her for a neat freak but I already knew she liked to be in control and appear strong, invincible so it probably had something to do with that. There were pictures hanging up everywhere on her walls, an older couple was prominent in most of them and I could only assume that they were her parents. In others it was a younger looking Nana with longer hair and another girl with her who I knew was her deceased sister. When I’d done the check up on her it was one of the things that had struck me. Here was this young girl who had a tragedy if losing her big sister and instead of crumbling it only made her stronger. I was pretty sure it was the reason she had decided to become a cop.

  Besides the pictures of herself and family I was surprised to see an enlarged portrait of her, Yazmeen and Amanda. It was obvious that Nana really valued their friendship and truly cared for them. Sighing I closed my eyes and rested my head against the arm rest, so much had been going on lately and I still felt uneasy over the woman’s body we discovered the other night. Though it should have been an easy fix erasing any sign that we had ever been inside that building and near that body, I was still getting a feeling that nothing good would come of it. That bagging thought was giving me stress headaches and effecting my sleep, the only time I felt soothed whenever I was with Nana. Without really thinking about it I slipped my shoes off and pulled my feet up on the couch getting more comfortable. I closed my eyes and could feel myself dozing a little, all the restlessness catching up to me. However, no sooner had I closed my eyes I could hear the door to Nana's room open and the sound of her trying to quietly walk down the hall. I continued to keep my eyes shut as I listened to her get closer and closer. Though I couldn’t see I could feel her presence in front of me, her inner heat radiated like a sun alerting me to her presence every time. She stood over me silently until I felt the shock of her small soft hands caressing my face. She must have thought that I was asleep because she boldly traced every inch, every crevice of my face before she reached my lips where she lightly ran her finger over. It was then that I couldn’t hold back any longer. I grasped Nana's wrist and opened my eyes to see her better she jumped, probably jolted by the fact that I was awake before her eyes flew to my face connecting with mines.

  Nana tugged trying to release herself from my grip I wouldn’t let her go, I needed her to be closer. I tugged on her wrist with enough force to bring her crashing down on top of me, her small lithe body connecting with mine. She looked up at me in shock while all I could feel was my growing desire, I had to have her, I had to possess her. Never had I ever felt like I needed to make a woman mines more than I did in this moment. but

  “Ilya.” She murmured as she watched me like a deer in headlights.

  I released her wrist and wrapped one arm around her waist and brought the other up to rest lightly on her cheek. “You’re so beautiful.”

  She flushed and tried to turn her face away from me however I held her firmly. “Don’t look away.”

  Her big eyes blinked at me rapidly, its hazel color swirling with so much turmoil. “Don’t look at me so, darling.” I murmured softly. “I just want to hold you close, I won’t do anything you aren’t ready for.” I told her assuming that her indecision and worried expression was because of our close proximity and what it implied. Mimicking what she had been doing when she thought I was asleep, I traced the angles and planes of Nana’s face. I could feel her leaning her face into my touch as I cupped her cheeks.

  I don’t think she understands how much she has come to mean to m
e, I don’t even think I understand how much she’s come to mean to me until this moment. Until I felt her here lying against me fitting so perfectly as if this where she belongs. Her lips looked so inviting and I leaned my face closer to her, my lips a millimeter away from hers, I could practically feel their softness against my own already, when she suddenly jolted away. The surprised of having her move so rapidly made me loosen my grip on her and body and she jumped up off me and took a few steps away from the couch. Once again she couldn’t look at me, her eyes tracked on everything in her own living room never settling on my face.

  “Nana, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing… I…” She said before trailing off. She shuffled her feet and then ran a hand through her short hair ruffling it. “I just, I don’t know Ilya. I’m afraid.” She continued.

  “Of me?”

  “Yes, and no. I’m afraid of how intense this all feels. I’m afraid of how much we could end up hurting each other and I’m afraid of all the things we aren’t willing to speak about.” She said finally meeting my gaze. Her eyes were solemn and reserved, she was already trying to take a step back from me.

  I held my hand out to her palm up, I wanted her to take my hand and sit beside me so that we could talk out whatever was going on in her mind. Nana shook her head and folded her arms across her chest. “I don’t know if tonight is still a good idea, I’m tired from work and all the sleepless nights is making me emotional, we should take a rain check.” Her arms were held closely to her body and she seemed like she couldn’t get me out of her apartment fast enough. I slowly stood and made to walk towards her, “I just need you to leave Ilya.” She said sounding desperate halting me in my tracks. I just wanted to be close to her, to feel her, so that I felt calmer but it was the opposite for Nana. My touch seemed to distress not soothe.

  “Okay if that’s what you want. I am sorry, for whatever I did that made you feel this way.” With one last look at her I slipped my shoes on and walked out her front door. All the way down her hall and the stairs out of her apartment I ran the events of the past hour through my head. This morning everything between us was fine, perfect even, now Nana didn’t even want to be in the same room as me. Did this have to do with everything I wasn’t telling her about myself, what I do for a living? Who my family was? She’d mentioned that there were things that we couldn’t speak about to each other and that we would end up hurting each other.

  I began walking down the darkened street with no particular destination in mind, I didn’t know where I was going, where I wanted to go, the only place I wanted to be I was practically thrown out of.

  “Ilya what are you doing here?” Lydia asked as she saw me crossing over to the bar inside Cherish. She knew that whenever Nikolai wasn’t here neither was I. I sat down and rolled my neck. “I need a drink.” Something had to be done in order to keep my mind off of Nana. Lydia nodded and set about making my drink without me having to tell her, Lydia was good at that. She remembered most of the regulars’ drink preferences and those who were close to Nikolai.

  “Here you go big guy.” She said sliding the glass in front of me. “What’s on your mind that has you so worried?” She asked.

  “What makes you think I’m worried?”

  She rolled her eyes and leaned her elbows on the bar top putting her face into closer proximity to mines. “You’re not the only one who can read people Ilya Volstolv.”

  “Is that right?” I questioned leaning back a little in order to create some space between us.

  Lydia nodded and studied me intently. “Girl trouble isn’t it? How many times do I have to tell you Ilya you should give me a try? I’d never treat you wrong.” She finished jokingly even though I knew there was more truth in her statement than jest.

  I chuckled a little and took a sip of my drink. The cool amber liquid caressed my throat warming my body as it went down. “I’m just fine Lydia. It isn’t anything I can’t handle.” I assured her.

  Nana was a handful, the whole business of trying to get close to her with all the things I was hiding, well not hiding; but not speaking about, made it difficult. But I wouldn’t trade all the cloak and dagger, random talks, and coffee in the morning for something simple and generic with Lydia. Somehow I had to figure out how to get Nana to be willing to take a chance on me, even if she thought it would only end in pain.

  Chapter Thirteen: Nana

  “Shit.” I muttered to myself as Ilya left my apartment. I’d totally blown it my first day on the job as an undercover detective. I wasn’t supposed to be pushing the man away I was supposed to be making him enamored of me, so enamored that I gleamed all of his, Nikolai’s and the Bratva’s secrets. Groaning in frustration I kicked the edge of the couch leg.

  The morning after my botched night with Ilya I sat in the special task force room with six expectant eyes trained on me. My stomach churned and I really felt like I might hurl at any moment. How was I to tell two senior detectives and a trained FBI agent that I had already blown it? Fidgeting in the hard cold metal chair I played idly with the collar of my uniform. They were all waiting for a progress report and I didn’t have anything to report them besides my screw up. “Uhm last night was uneventful, we watched a movie had something to eat and I went home.” I lied, the words spilling out of my mouth before I could even fully think them through.

  “That’s it?” O’Riely asked skeptically. “There had to have been something more than that.”

  “Not really, there wasn’t. We just talked.” I lied again. Well it wasn’t all totally a lie, we did talk, a little, at my apartment before I’d asked him to leave.

  “What did you talk about? Did he mention anything to do with the bratva or Nikolai?” Agent Ramirez asked.

  I shook my head. “No we just talked about normal things.”

  Ramirez sighed and through his hands up in the air as he turned his back on me.

  “So you’re supposed to be investigating Volstolv and yet you’re having dinner and movies and sweet talk about your dreams and aspirations?” O’Riely said in a mocking snide tone.

  “Will the two of you relax?” Callahan said as he laid a hand on my shoulder. “She just got on the case, her Volstolv are just getting started also; if she starts asking about the bratva and Prakenski now that will through up all types of red flags.”

  “Did you at least get a private look through his apartment?” Ramirez asked hopefully.

  I shook my head meekly and looked away from his handsome face. Ever coming to my rescue Callahan rolled his eyes and stepped in front of me cutting off Ramirez and O’Riely’s view. “And how was she supposed to do that? You guys have to give it time. Seasoned undercover officers don’t even work that fast.”

  Feeling like a kid that needed their parent to defend them I stood and stepped around detective Callahan. “I am supposed to be seeing him again tonight.” I said even though I wasn’t sure how I would pull that off. I didn’t even know if Ilya would ever speak to me again after last night I also had no way of contacting him. I’ll get him to bring me to Nikolai’s club, ‘ll most likely get more information that way.” I still continued digging myself into a deeper hole.

  “You sure you can do this? That you’ll have some results after tonight?” Ramirez said.

  I nodded less than enthusiastically as he grinned and clasped his hands together. “Good. Now you two’.” He said directing his words to detective Callahan and O’Riely. “Keep your surveillance of Nikolai Prakenski going. I want to know everywhere he goes and everyone he talks too.”

  By the end of the work day I had absolutely no nails. I was so nervous that I’d bit almost everyone down to little small nubs. What was I going to do? How was I even going to get into contact with Ilya and just what kind of information did I think I was going to gain?

  I’d gotten so desperate that I began contemplating ways to have Yaz or Amanda call him over while I was with them. They had to know each other, but then I stopped myself because I didn’t want to use them tha
t way. That was another thing that had me queasy, Yaz and Amanda. I would be helping to send their fiancé, boyfriend, and friend to jail with this investigation. What if they believed the only reason I befriended them in the first place was to gather information? I don’t know what I would do without their friendship. The two of them have served in filling the spot my sister left behind and I didn’t want to lose that.

  My stomach rolled and once again I began to bite my nails as I made my way back home. There was no way I could make this work, no way to manage this. I began digging around for my keys as my mind continued to try to come up with solutions that was just as quickly discarded when I heard my name. The distinct baritone was non mistakenly Ilya’s. I was half way up the steps to the door of my apartment building so I whirled around not believing I had really heard my name. Ilya stood at the button of the steps watching me. He looked so damn sexy no matter what he wore but looked even more devilishly handsome when he was dressed so.