Screw It

  Fueled strictly by experience and the furious pumping of my blood, I ignore my chest exploding into jagged pieces as she wheezes. She coughs, and blood splatters. My gut lurches. With one hand pressing hard on her wound, I get Matt on the phone.

  “What’s going on?” His voice is sharp.

  “Fuck.” My tone is anguished.

  “Fuck me, Zach. What the fuck is going on, man?”

  I barely register the sound of a car door closing.

  I grit my teeth together to stop the motherfucking tears. I’ve never cried a day in my life—not when I broke my arm in football my junior year, not when my brother was shot, never. But sitting on the phone with the man who’s essentially Becca’s brother while stemming a potentially fatal bullet wound in the woman I love that I never fucking told I love is undoing me.

  “Talk!” Matt barks.

  “Fuck me, man. Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

  “You’re not giving me anything.”

  A gurgle comes from Becca, her eyes on me and her lips moving. I drop my phone and move to her, putting my ear to her lips.

  “I…l-lo…ve…y-y…you.” Her words are just barely audible, but they gut me.

  I close my eyes, tears leaking out. “Fucking Christ, Becca. I love you.” I open my eyes and pull away to look down at her. “Ambulance will be here soon. You hold on, baby. You win. Don’t you forget that. We win.”

  Her eyes droop. “I…l-lo—”

  “Baby, stop talking. Save your energy.”

  Sirens sound, announcing either police or ambulance arrival.

  Becca’s eyes drift shut. Her skin is too pale.

  Fucking Christ. Fucking, fucking Christ.

  “Fight, Becca. Show that strength. Fight.” My voice cracks.

  There’s a hand on my shoulder. “Sir, I need you to move aside.”

  I grit my teeth, and it takes every piece of me to hold it together and move from her. I can only do that because I know that the man at my side will fight to keep her alive.

  The emergency personnel work on her. Sitting at a nearby table, my eyes are trained on the two paramedics. I’m barely holding my shit together when Matt hits the scene.

  Eyes on me, he strides across the restaurant. “What the fuck happened?”

  “Kim.” My tone is strangled.

  His eyes close, and he drops his head. “Fuck.”

  They strap Becca to a board. “Taking her to UMass Memorial on Belmont.”

  I shoot to my feet. “I’m riding with her.”

  “Sir, in your state, that’s not a good idea. We need to be focused on her.”

  Stepping forward, I start, “I—”

  Matt’s hand clamps down on my shoulder. “I’ll take you.”

  Three Hours Later

  “For fuck’s sake, nothing?”

  “Sir, I’m sorry. She’s in surgery. There’s nothing more I can tell you.” The nurse at the station raises her eyebrows and presses her lips together.

  Fucking bitch is impatient with me.

  Matt is next to me. “Keep your shit together.”

  I run my hands through my hair and grip the roots. I close my eyes tight. A knife slashes through me as I remember her words.

  “I…l-lo…ve…y-y…you.”

  “Fuck me.”

  Matt leads me to the chairs with a forceful shove of his hand.

  I shrug him off. “Don’t fucking push me.”

  “Know your feeling cagey right now, Zach. I’m feeling this shit deep, too. That’s my fucking sister. But you need to keep your shit together.”

  Pulling in air, I nod and flop down into a waiting room chair and plant my forehead in my hands.

  “I…l-lo…ve…y-y…you.”

  Fuck.

  Four Hours Later

  “Rebecca Bailey.”

  The male voice stops my feet from eating a path in the tiled floor. My head snaps up to see a middle-aged guy in teal scrubs. Matt stands from the chair he was sitting in.

  “Yeah?” My gut rolls.

  “Are you family?”

  “Not blood-related, but seeing as she has no blood relatives to speak of, we’re her family.” I plant my feet.

  He nods and steps closer. “Okay. Her heart stopped—”

  My lungs freeze. “No.”

  “We got it started again and got the bullet out in surgery. She lost a lot of blood, so the next twenty-four hours will be touch and go. I’ll be frank with you, and I’m sorry to say this, but her chances of survival, with that amount of blood loss, is close to twenty-five percent.”

  My world crashes around me, and my legs weak, I go down to a knee. I close my eyes, my throat working. His words feel like swallowing razor blades as I remember her words again.

  “I…l-lo…ve…y-y…you.”

  I lost six years with her. If I wasn’t such a fucking moron back then, I could have had my ring on her finger and hers on mine by now. I might even have a baby planted inside her. The vision of a little boy with my dark hair chasing around a little redheaded girl in pigtails flashes in my mind, and fuck me, a goddamn sob rips out of my chest.

  “Fight, baby,” I whisper to myself. “We gotta win.”

  Black

  Chirping birds and the warm sun wake me up. Opening my eyes to a blue sky dotted with white puffy clouds, my eyebrows pull together. The last thing I remember is Kim storming into Eddie’s, wacked out of her mind. After that…nothing.

  I lift up on an elbow, and the scent of grass hits me. It’s all around me as far as I can see, bright green grass looking about two weeks past a mow. The smell invades my nose, strong but not overpowering. The color hits my eyes, very bright but not blinding. The sun warms my skin, not too hot but not cold. It’s perfect. I’ve never seen a place like it.

  “Pretty girl?”

  The sound of my mother’s voice—a voice I haven’t heard in over fifteen years, a sound that I’ve begged whatever higher power or the universe to give back to me—hits me in the chest, but it’s muted.

  Whipping my head to the side, my mom is sprawled next to me, her legs out as she’s leaning up on one hand. Her curly long hair is billowing around her, wisps flying in the slight breeze. Bright green eyes on me, she smiles. It’s a content, happy smile—free of stress, free of alcohol’s influence. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before.

  “Mama?”

  “Fight.”

  Zach’s voice sounds in my head, and I look around.

  “Missed you.” My mom’s voice draws my attention back to her.

  I drink her in. She looks the same but smiling and relaxed. Then, it hits me like a Mack truck, and goose bumps erupt along my skin.

  “Oh my God,” I whisper.

  “I’m at peace.” Mom leans forward, but I barely catch the movement.

  “Oh my God.” My eyes dart around the place. My stomach turns, but again, the feeling is muted.

  “Fight your way to me. We gotta win.”

  My nose stings, but my eyes stay dry.

  “Pretty girl.”

  My eyes swing to my mom.

  “I’m at peace.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “You need to find peace, too.”

  “I’m dead?” I lurch to my feet. “That fucking bitch!”

  “Becca—”

  I shove my hands in my hair. “Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.”

  “Becca, baby, you’re—”

  “You gotta fight, sweets.”

  I throw my head back and shout at the sky, “I can’t fight! I’m dead!”

  “Becca, calm down. You’re—”

  Her voice breaks through. Swinging my eyes back to my mom, I throw myself at her and tackle her to the ground, wrapping my arms around her. I lost my life, I lost my dream, I lost my future, I lost Zach, but I have my mom. The pressure in my chest bubbles, but still, the tears don’t come.

  “Becca, honey, you’re okay.”

  My chest squeezes. “Yeah.”

  “Open your eyes, and glar
e at me. Do something, anything.”

  I close my eyes, feeling Zach’s voice drift through me.

  “Missed you, Mom.”

  She smooths her hand over my hair. “Missed you, too, pretty girl.”

  Pulling away, I look over her sleek, healthy skin and her lush, curly red hair. She looks amazing, better than I’ve ever seen her. The lack of glossy eyes and the lack of the slight red tinge to her nose and cheeks settle inside me.

  The fact that I have her back washes over me. I have her. I can know. I can know all about her and why she drank herself sick, why she took off her clothes for money, who my dad is—well, was—everything.

  My voice earnest and my eyes wide, I push up, so I’m at her side instead of on top of her. “Tell me everything. Where did you grow up? Who’s my dad? Why did you drink so much? Tell me everything.”

  “Sweetheart, can you feel my hand?”

  Mom’s eyes soften, and one side of her mouth tips up before she shakes her head.

  My face falls. “Why?”

  “I think her finger twitched. Get a nurse.”

  Her head moves side to side again.

  “Please, Mom. I need to know.”

  She leans into me and kisses my forehead, and I let the beauty of that wash over me. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around her.

  “I’m at peace, pretty girl. You need to find your peace, too,” she whispers into my hair.

  My eyes burn, but no tears come.

  “Find it, pretty girl. Be happy.”

  “Bee, honey, can you hear me?”

  A piercing ache hits my chest. It’s just a hint, but it grows.

  “Mom,” I whisper.

  “Find it—for me, for you. Find it.”

  My chest burns.

  “I think her eyelids moved.”

  “Mom.”

  Before I finish the word, she’s gone, the grass is gone, the sky is gone, and I’m shoved into black. The burn in my chest pulsates, and my limbs are weighted, but something warm covers my left hand. My heart rate speeds up, fear seeping in, but I focus on that warmth on my hand. I can’t see anything. I can’t hear anything. All I can feel is my labored breathing, my quickening pulse, the sting in my chest, and the warmth on my hand. I try to block it all out, except for the one good thing I’m feeling—that beautiful anchoring warmth on my hand.

  “I’m at peace, pretty girl. You need to find your peace, too.”

  If I had control over my body, I’d close my eyes and let those words drift over me.

  The grip on my palm tightens, and my lead limbs lighten.

  “Becca, can you hear me?” Zach’s voice is hoarse, aching, and it bites into my heart. “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”

  His hand is in mine. That’s what is helping me. He’s here for me, and he’s taking my back by taking my hand.

  “A good man takes his woman’s back.”

  I don’t know what’s happening, but I do know that I lost my mom again, but I have Zach. I channel every ounce of nearly nonexistent energy to my hand, trying to tighten my fingers.

  “Fuck, Becca. Thank fuck.”

  More pressure rests on my hand, and the rest of my body slowly, inch by inch, comes back to me. Every part of me aches, but it’s muted. Light hits my eyelids, and I struggle to lift them. Finally, they open, and Zach’s forehead is resting against my left hand. The white walls of a hospital room surround us, the disgusting antiseptic smell with a faint scent of plastic clogging the air. Monitors are to my right, and a line is moving up and down on the computer screen, announcing to anyone looking that I’m very much alive.

  My eyeballs ache, and my throat is scratchy and dry. “Z-z…Zach.” My voice is broken, croaky.

  His head snaps up. He takes one look at me, and tightness instantly vanishes. His normally kept stubble threatens a full-on beard. His clothes are rumpled, and his eyes are red. He looks nearly as shitty as I feel.

  He stands and pushes the chair he was sitting in back, making a scraping sound. He looms over me, and his presence feels safe, protecting. I let that feeling drift through me. Letting my hand go, his fingers trail my cheek, my lips, my eyebrows. It’s like every touch is being burned into his memory. I close my eyes, letting that warmth brand my heart.

  My tongue is as dry as the Sahara Desert, so when I open my eyes again, I rasp, “W-wa…t-ter.”

  “Matt just left to get the nurse.”

  I nod.

  Zach’s face softens, and he cups my jaw, sweeping his thumb across my cheekbone. Then, he rocks my world when he mouths, Love you.

  I close my eyes and let his words sear right through me. Blindingly beautiful hot white lightning burns right through my skin, my chest, my lungs and goes straight to my heart, filling it up way past fullness, until it bursts, obliterating anything left of the dark wall I’ve been carrying.

  When I let my eyes drift back open, I mouth the words back.

  I was right all those months ago. I didn’t love him back in the day, not really. In a way, I think I did. But having all of him, having his love, I know straight to my soul that now I’ve found love.

  When my lips stop moving, his eyes flinch before he closes them and drops his head.

  My brows furrow. When he opens them, they’re tense, and my stomach churns.

  “First time you said that to me, sweets, I hurt you not long after. Second time was six days ago, and you were coughing up blood.” He clenches his eyes shut. Pain etches into the hard angles of his face. When he lifts his lids to look at me, he whispers, “Burned into me, sweets. Good to know third time’s the charm, and I got those words free and clear to hold on to.”

  Tears hit my eyes. If my mouth wasn’t so dry, my body so heavy, and my chest didn’t hurt so much, I’d break the moment.

  Matt does it for me when he asks from across the room, “She awake?”

  Zach’s eyes skitter across my face before he gives me half a smile. “Yeah.”

  Two Days Later

  “Holy fuck,” I whisper.

  Matt and Zach just finished filling me in about Erin Pierce getting stabbed in the fucking neck.

  “Yeah, the way the detectives pieced everything together is that Robert told Kim about Erin. Kim went to her boyfriend’s house, stole his Smith and Wesson, went back to her parents’ house, and shot Robert. She asked around and knew you were at Eddie’s with me. She shot you. I hit her in the artery just above the knee. She bled out before they got her in the ambulance.”

  “Jesus.” I hated Kim, but I didn’t want her dead. “Are you gonna get in trouble?”

  He shakes his head. “Doing my job. Tried to incapacitate her by shooting her in the leg. One in a thousand, I hit that spot.”

  “Well, that’s good, I guess.” I look at my hands. The IV is still stuck in the back of my hand. It’s gross.

  A chill goes down my spine, knowing I could have had the same ending as Kim. I almost did. Apparently, I died in surgery.

  “Funny thing though.”

  An eyebrow shoots up, and I look at Zach, not finding one fucking thing funny about this situation.

  “Never guess who her boyfriend was.”

  My other eyebrow rises.

  “Seems Kim’s mouth wrapped around Brian’s dick has broken-heart healing properties.”

  My face screws up. It’s way too much overshare, not to mention it’s creepy. She had Zach after me the first time, and then she had Brian after me. God knows who else she had after me.

  “Yeah, he came down to the station to report his missing gun, only to find out it was part of a murder. I didn’t talk to him, seeing as I was here. It seems he had planned to try to win you back, but Kim had changed his mind. Don’t fucking know why. Going from you to Kim…”

  When he trails off, I say carefully, “He didn’t exactly get me like you did.” I pause. “Thank Christ, or I might still be trying to scrape him off. Kim was crazy, but she was hot. I’m sure getting it regularly and easily went a long way in convincing him
.”

  Zach tilts his head in a touché movement.

  My face gentles. “Is he okay?”

  Matt nods. “Yeah, he told Hesston he liked the sex but she was becoming”—he raises his fingers to air quote—“too much.”

  I sigh. “Still.”

  Matt nods. “Yeah, came as a shock, but he was more upset about you.”

  I nod, breathing deeply through my nose.

  Matt grabs my hand. “He sent flowers.”

  I tense.

  Matt’s voice softens. “Got rid of them for you, Bee.”

  I relax. “Thanks, Matt.”

  The nurse bustles in. “Sorry, guys. Visiting hours are over.”

  Matt stands, but Zach settles into the chair.

  “Honey, you should go home and get some rest.” I pause, my lip twitching. “And take a shower.”

  I figured I’d get a chuckle or a smart-ass remark, but he’s frozen. I narrow my eyes and watch a grin slowly spread across his face.

  “Honey. Like that.”

  I angle my head to the side before it dawns on me that I haven’t given him an endearment before. He gives them to me all the time, like all the time, but I haven’t given it to him. I’m not even sure if I did back then. Now, I want to give it to him a hundred times a day.

  My eyes soften, and I keep my voice low, intimate when I say, “Glad you like that, honey.”

  Matt clears his throat, breaking the moment, and I want to kick him in the shin because, for once, I didn’t want the moment to be broken. I glance at him, press my lips together, and glare at him wide-eyed.

  His chest moves with his chuckle before he takes my head and kisses the top. “Later, Bee.”

  My features gentle. I’m not able to stay mad at him for long. “Bye, Matt. Say hi to Krissy and tickle the girls for me.”

  He smiles wide. “Will do.”

  After he leaves, I move my eyes to Zach. “You should really get home and get some rest.”

  His lips tip up. “I’m good here.”

  I roll my eyes. “You need a shower.”

  His grin deepens. “Saying I smell?”

  I chuckle but stop when the pain radiates through my torso.

  His grin disappears. “Fuck, sweets. Hate seeing you in pain.”

  I shake my head. “I’ll be fine.”