“Sabrina, I feel like we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well recently.” He waited for a response, but got none, save a long swallow.
“I want you to know, if there’s anything you need, anything you ever want to talk about, I consider you a close friend.”
She tucked in the corners of her lips, a cross between a smile and a grimace. “Thank you.”
Her eyes darted over his shoulder, then to the ground between them, then to her hand that held the key. He was pretty sure the words I’ve got to get out of here were tumbling around that pretty little head.
He wanted her to be still long enough to hear him. He wanted her full attention. He nudged her chin up with his finger until she met his gaze.
She was a frightened doe. Those big brown eyes overflowed with panic. Worry lines creased her forehead, and her shoulders were plywood stiff. He regretted his words if only because they’d changed Sabrina back into the Ice Princess.
His hope withered slowly under a scorching light of realization. He didn’t know why—why she wouldn’t tell him, why she hid behind email, why she’d gone to such great lengths to protect herself.
But if she needed to hide, for whatever secret reasons, didn’t he love her enough to wait? In the space where hope had resided, a seed of mercy sprouted. Ah, honey. I’m sorry I pushed you. You’re worth the wait.
He tried for a smile he didn’t feel.“You’re tired. Get to bed.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead and felt the softness of her hair under his lips, smelled the sweet scent of ocean and lilac in her hair.
He’d scarcely pulled away before her key found the lock, and then she was gone.
Sweetpea: Everyone yearns to be loved for who they are. Not for what they look like or what they do or what they’ve accomplished. I wonder how many people actually find that.
Chapter Thirty-three
A cab waited in front of the house when Sabrina returned from work. Maybe Arielle was going somewhere.
For three days Sabrina had been lost in thought, remembering every moment of her date with Tucker. The morning after, Arielle had quizzed her about the day, and she’d told her cousin everything. Except the kiss. But it wasn’t a real kiss, just a brotherly kiss on the forehead.
Only it hadn’t felt brotherly at all.
She entered the loft and kicked off her work shoes. Arielle was hunched over her floral suitcase, pushing on the swollen bag, struggling with the zipper.
A glance around revealed a lack of all things Arielle. The sandy spot by the door where she usually kicked off her sandals was bare, the end table where she piled her clothes was empty. Dread welled inside Sabrina. “Where are you going?”
Arielle gave the zipper one last tug. “Home.”
She watched her cousin haul the suitcase off the sofa and set it at her feet. “What do you mean?”
“I’ve had enough of this charade, cuz. It’s time for me to go. I’m catching the ferry, and I booked a flight from Cape Cod.”
Had something happened between her and Tucker? This was totally out of the blue and utterly unfair. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened. I have to get back. I just—I can’t do this anymore.” A flicker of something—fear?—flared in her eyes before her eyelids shuttered them.
Now that Sabrina looked closer, Arielle’s face looked strained, her lips tipped uncharacteristically down at the corners, her brows pulled together. What was going on?
“It’s only a few more days, Arielle. We had a deal.”
“Deal’s off. I don’t expect you to come to the wedding, so you’re off the hook.”
What in the world? Arielle had begged her to attend Jaylee’s wedding. It was the only reason she’d come. “What reason did you give Tucker?”
A nonchalant shrug. “I didn’t tell him. I’m sure you’ll come up with something.”
“You didn’t tell him?” What explanation could Sabrina give? Sorry,Tucker. The love of your life disappeared as quickly as she’d appeared. Why was Arielle doing this?
Her cousin was wheeling her suitcase past her, toward the door. Sabrina grabbed her arm, panic building. “Why are you doing this? What are you so afraid of?”
Arielle whirled on her heels. “Don’t question me about fear. You’re hiding behind some email name because you’re afraid to have a real relationship. You’re worse than Renny, hiding her manuscripts in a drawer.”
Arielle’s anger, her words, stopped Sabrina cold. Her hand fell from her cousin’s arm.
“Go back to your safe little emails, Sabrina. Never mind that you’re missing out on a real relationship with a wonderful man . . .” Arielle’s words wobbled as the sentence trailed off.
When the door closed behind her cousin five seconds later, Sabrina knew with sudden clarity why Arielle was leaving the island, why fear laced her eyes, why angry words were spilling from her tongue.
Arielle had fallen head over heels for Tucker.
Sweetpea: I haven’t been to church since the Jared/ Jaylee episode. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to go.
Chapter Thirty-four
Sabrina paced the length of the loft as the taxi pulled away. So,Arielle had fallen for Tucker. Was it any surprise? He was a wonderful man, just as she’d said. It was a miracle some woman hadn’t snatched him up already. But did it have to be her cousin? Was Sabrina destined to lose every man she loved to one of her beautiful cousins?
Sabrina kicked the chair Arielle had placed against the wall, and it toppled over, hitting the floor with a thwack. It was so unfair. What right did Arielle have stealing the only man she cared about? It had been stupid to encourage those dates. Stupid! Sabrina couldn’t have done a better job sabotaging herself if she’d tried.
She reached the windows and turned. Arielle’s feelings aside, the relevant question was, where did Tucker stand? He was caught in a triangle and didn’t know it. Was he in love with Sabrina or Arielle or some bizarre combination of them both? Sabrina ran her hands over her face. What had she done?
And how was she going to tell him Arielle was gone? What reason could she give? A family emergency? But what excuse could she give for keeping the relationship online now?
Was it time to admit defeat? To send him a final letter ending the relationship?
She imagined coming home to an empty inbox, facing Tucker at the café every morning with no hope of having that intimate communication again . . .
How her heart ached at the thought!
She couldn’t do it, she just couldn’t. It was all she had of him. All she could ever have, and it would have to be enough.
And yet, was it fair to tie him down to a relationship that could never go deeper than email? But he loves you.
Why, God? Why, of all people, did it have to be Tucker? Why, of all men that night, did it have to be his brother-in-law?
But it was what it was. Begging and praying would change nothing. She had to focus on the problem. She had to decide what to tell Tucker and how to say it. Arielle had left a fine mess, leaving in a snit as she had.
Sabrina stopped pacing, her feet stopping on the braided rug Arielle had bought. Arielle had left Sabrina in a bind, but the fact that she’d left, despite her growing feelings for Tucker . . .
It was so obvious she’d almost missed it. Arielle was leaving for Sabrina. Despite her cousin’s testy words, she was removing herself from the picture out of love for her. Leaving so that Sabrina wouldn’t get hurt again.
And Sabrina hadn’t been nice about it.
She cringed. She’d let her confusion and anger blind her, but everything was clearer now.
A knot of anxiety tightened inside. She couldn’t stand that they’d parted on bad terms. Especially now that she realized Arielle was willing to sacrifice a possible relationship with Tucker for Sabrina’s sake. She snatched her bag, slipped into sandals, and ran down the steps.
Traffic in town was heavy, and pedestrians littered the sidewalks, waiting to cross the street. Sabrina had to sto
p pedaling at every crossing, further delaying her mission. As she neared the wharf, the congestion thickened with passengers arriving from Hyannis, exiting the ferry with their fat suitcases and dog-weary grins. Taxis lined the street, waiting to drive tourists to their hotels and rentals.
After parking, she hurried up the concrete dock, dodging pedestrians, feeling like a trout swimming upstream. She hoped Arielle hadn’t boarded. She scanned the ferry’s rails for a glimpse of her cousin. Someone on the middle deck had long, blonde hair and looked—
Thwack! She slammed into another body and staggered backward. “I’m so sorry.” She reached out to steady the woman, eager to move on.
But her eyes caught on the woman’s face. On those icy blue eyes she could never forget. They’d haunted her ever since that day. That morning in the house in Madaket.
Maybe the woman wouldn’t recognize her. Sabrina averted her eyes quickly, turning her head. She had to get away quickly. “I’m sorry.” Giving up her mission to fight the crowd, she turned toward town for a quick escape.
“It’s you.” The woman’s voice rose over the din of voices and footsteps.
Sabrina broke into a run, trying to disappear in the throng. She prayed Tracey wouldn’t follow. If she could just make it to her bike . . .
Tucker hadn’t said his sister was coming. But why would he mention it to Sabrina? He’d probably told Arielle, and her cousin had no knowledge of that fateful night. Tracey had probably come to meet Arielle. And now Arielle was gone and—
Tucker.
He was probably here to pick up Tracey. Here somewhere in this mass of humanity. He would be parked in the same area as her bike.
Changing direction, she turned up Water Street. She’d go back for her bike later, long after Tucker and his sister left. She hustled up the sidewalk, making a left when she reached India Street. The crowd had dispersed, making her more visible. It was irrational to think Tracey had followed her, especially when she’d been encumbered with luggage. But what if Tracey told Tucker she’d seen her? What if they were both looking for her?
Where could she hide? In the distance, the steeple of First Congregational Church, Renny’s church, poked into the sky like a pointy finger. Quickening her pace, she headed toward the building. She would hide there until the sun sank. Then she’d sneak to her bike under the cloak of darkness.
When she reached the church, she darted up the steps, out of breath. An elderly man stood just inside the door. “I’m sorry, the tower is closed for the day.”
“Oh.” Did this mean she couldn’t enter? “I wasn’t coming to climb the tower. I was—” She looked over his frail shoulder into the sanctuary.
Sanctuary. The word had a nice ring. “I wanted to—to pray.” It might have been a lie, but Sabrina suddenly realized it was true.
“By all means,” the man said, ushering her forward.
She couldn’t take her eyes from the altar. It drew her like a magnet. She did want to pray. Like Renny. Like Tucker. Like her, before her life fell apart. She needed to pray.
Maybe she’d find answers or, at least, solace. She’d missed that and only now realized how much.
She needed to pray because the web she’d become ensnared in was too big, too sticky to escape on her own—it didn’t take a genius to see that.
And yet, after seeing Tucker’s sister, after the reminder of what she’d done that night, of all she’d done since . . . she felt unworthy.
She stopped at the sanctuary’s entrance. It was so . . . white in there. White walls, white pews, white altar and pillars. Did her presence sully the place? Did she have the right to be in a holy sanctuary? In the presence of a holy God? Would the usher have thrown her out if he knew what she’d done?
Would God strike her dead for having the nerve to enter his house? Because she realized with sudden clarity that he did know. Knew everything she’d done, from that first week on the island through her lies and charade. She’d blocked it from her mind all these months, pretending he didn’t see or didn’t care enough to notice.
Yet, what hope did she have on her own? Would he mind her return if she was seeking his help?
A movement at the altar caught her eye. A woman was hunched over the bottom step of the pulpit in prayer. There were others dotting the pews. Their presence gave her the boldness to take one step and then another.
Her courage grew as she neared the altar, but her heart took a dozen beats for each step down the long aisle. She didn’t recognize the woman at the altar until she was nearly upon her.
“Renny.” Sabrina didn’t mean to say it aloud, to disturb her friend from prayer.
Renny raised her head. Her eyes were red rimmed. “Sabrina . . .”
She’d never seen Renny cry. Not even when her beloved pet bird died suddenly. She knelt by her friend, forgetting her own troubles. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
Renny wiped her nose with a tissue that was wadded in her fist. “I’m fine. I’m here about my stories.”
“Your stories?”
Renny nodded, wiping her eyes.
Sabrina waited for her to continue.
Renny laid her hand on her heart. “I’ve really been fighting El Shaddai—God—on this one.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was afraid. So afraid, it paralyzed me. I couldn’t send them, I just couldn’t.”
Sabrina settled down lower beside Renny. “Oh, Renny.”
“Can you believe fear can be so paralyzing? I’ve been afraid my whole life, hiding away in my big house with nothing but a view of the ocean. My fear has been a wall that’s separated me from freedom. It kept me from pursuing my dreams and living a full life. I’d write a story, intending to send it. Then I’d hit that wall of fear and decide it was too hard to get to the other side. Too thick, too high. Too scary. Rather than face the anxiety, I’d hide on the safe side of the wall, where it’s not so scary.”
“But you can change that.”
Renny dabbed her eyes. “With God’s help, I’m going to do it. I’m going to send my babies out there, all nine of them. If they all come back, I’ll find a way to deal with it. He’ll help me through it.”
“I’m so glad to hear that.” Sabrina patted her shoulder, wishing, not for the first time, that she was a hugger. She was sure Renny could use one. Spontaneously, she reached over and put her arms around the woman.
Renny gave her a tight squeeze, then released her a few moments later. “Well, enough of my blubbering. What brings you here, amita?”
Sabrina breathed a laugh. “I’ve been doing a little hiding of my own. I’m so confused.” She rubbed her temple.
“I left my scalp massager at home . . . that always clears my confusion.” Sabrina smiled, but Renny wasn’t joking. “Well, never mind that. Want to talk about it?”
Before she could lose her nerve, Sabrina spilled the whole story. Renny already knew about Jaylee and Jared, but Sabrina had never told her friend about the night of her transgression or the charade with Arielle. She finished the story with the moment on the pier that now seemed like hours ago.
Renny listened, offering nods of encouragement and sighs of sympathy. When Sabrina was finished, Renny pulled a clean tissue from her pocket and handed it to her.
They’d shifted and now they sat on the altar steps, their backs to the pulpit. The others who’d come to pray or think had left.
“I’m tired of doing this alone,” Sabrina said.
“Doing what alone?”
“I turned on God after Jaylee and Jared betrayed me. And then I committed adultery with another woman’s husband and felt too ashamed to return.”
“Ahhh . . . The same sin that separated you and God, separated you and Tucker.”
“I never thought of it that way, but you’re right. I have a wall just like you, and it’s right between me and God. I don’t want it there anymore.”
“Oh, honey, it doesn’t have to be. He’s received many a prodigal child, myself inclu
ded. Just come back to him. It’s called teshuvah. Returning, a repentance of sin.”
Was it that simple? Would he receive her after she’d rejected him? After she’d committed that despicable act?
She’d royally messed up. She’d done to another woman what Jaylee had done to her. She felt ashamed and unworthy. Unworthy of freedom and happiness. Unworthy of God’s mercy. Her wall was too thick. Too high.
“What I did was so—I still feel dirty. I knew better, and yet I . . .”
“God is standing at the top of the wall with a rope. You only have to take hold of it. You can trust him, Sabrina.”
Can I, God? “But, I’ve got this huge mess . . .”
“He knows that. And he’s not going to wave a magic wand and make it disappear, but he’ll help you do what’s right. Help you overcome your fears—just like he did mine.”
Sabrina thought of Renny’s years of hard labor. “You’ve been fighting that one a long time.”
Renny grinned. “Okay, so it took me a while. You’re a faster learner than I am.”
Sabrina was tired of hiding on this side of the wall. Tired of the limitations when the other side offered so much freedom.
All right, God, I’m grabbing the rope. Are you okay with that?
“He loves you, Sabrina. So much, amita.”
Sabrina stared into the darkened sanctuary, feeling calm for the first time in months. The wall was still thick. It was still high. But Jesus held the rope, and he’d help her over it. Somehow, some way, he’d get her safely to the other side.
Sweetpea: I hate being the bearer of bad news. Once, Jaylee double-booked herself for prom. I had to tell the guy who came second that she’d already left with someone else. I’ll never forget the look on his face.
Chapter Thirty-five
Dear Tucker,
Sabrina typed the words, then stared at the blinking cursor until it mesmerized her. She’d emailed Arielle as soon as she’d returned from the church. She’d apologized for her harsh words and said she understood why Arielle had left. She’d even managed to thank her cousin. Arielle would get the message when she returned to Macon, and they’d undoubtedly settle things over a phone call.
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