* * *
When they got into the studio, it all clicked. He smiled. She smiled. She managed to find answers for the callers’ questions. She saw what nerves had obliterated last Monday—that Leo was feeding her all the time, never making statements, always leaving what he said open for discussion. The hour flew.
Justin was smiling when he walked into the studio, after they’d handed over to the next presenter. ‘Fabulous. Both of you.’
Leo seemed suddenly a little off-key. ‘Yeah, I enjoyed it.’
‘Follow-ups?’ Justin held up a manila envelope and Leo gestured in Alex’s direction.
‘Alex might like to take those.’
‘Yes. Thanks.’
‘There was something else...’ Leo was on his feet before Justin could get the rest of the sentence out.
‘Yeah. That’s in hand, Justin. Is the car waiting?’
‘No, it’s not here yet. As we’ve got a few minutes...’
‘Later.’ The one word was so final that even Justin got the hint. Leo picked up Alex’s coat, holding it out in an unequivocal intimation that she should put it on. Then he practically frogmarched her out of the studio.
‘What’s this all about, Leo?’ This was one version of Leo that she hadn’t seen in the hall of mirrors yet.
‘Can we talk in the car?’ He caught the attention of the show’s production assistant, who was passing in the corridor. ‘Jo, have you called the car yet?’
‘No, Justin said to wait...’
‘Yeah, I expect he did. Could you do me a favour and give them a call now?’
This was crazy. Leo obviously had something he wanted to say privately, and it seemed to be bothering him. So much so that he was prepared to spend almost an hour driving needlessly around London.
She tugged at his sleeve. ‘I could do with some coffee first...’
He shot her a smile. ‘In that case... Jo, forget about the car. I’ll call them.’
‘Sure thing, Leo...’ Jo broke off and watched as Leo hustled her away.
* * *
It was beginning to snow outside, large flakes drifting past streetlights and car headlamps. Almost a picture book scene. Leo offered his arm and Alex took it, her gloved hand resting lightly on the inside of his elbow.
This was ridiculous. He talked about all kinds of intimate issues to all kinds of people for a good proportion of his time. Putting things clearly and without embarrassment was part of his job, and he was good at it.
They walked in silence for a few moments and then she held her free hand out, catching snowflakes in her palm. ‘First snow of the winter.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I like it when it’s like this. Fresh and clean, ready for my footprints...’
‘Me too.’ It occurred to Leo that she was trying to put him at his ease. That thought was even more confusing because that was usually his job as well.
He opened the main door to his apartment block, standing aside to let her go first. Smiling to the security guard, he escorted her to the lift.
When he ushered her into the lounge, she gasped, walking over to the window. ‘Oh, it’s beautiful, Leo. Is it always like this when it snows?’
‘Not always.’ The sky seemed almost luminous, a pinkish-white bank of cloud hovering over London. Large flakes of snow drifted past the window and, further away, the falling snow gleamed on the rooftops. Maybe he’d just never noticed it before.
Leo walked over to stand next to her and she turned her shining face up towards his. ‘I bet if you stood here on Christmas Eve you’d see Santa’s sleigh up there somewhere.’
Maybe he would have, if Alex had been here. She was doing it again, trying to put him at his ease, but somehow that didn’t matter quite so much now. He grinned down at her. ‘I’ll go and make the coffee.’
‘The coffee was just an excuse. I don’t really want it.’
In other words: Just get on with it. Leo couldn’t have put it better himself.
‘Justin wants us to talk about sex...’ He grimaced. Surely there was a better way of putting it than that, but all the usual polish seemed to rub off when he was alone with Alex.
She raised her eyebrows. ‘Really? I’d better take my coat off then.’ She slipped off her padded jacket, draping it over the back of the sofa, and then turned to face him. ‘Go on then. I’m all ears.’
She was teasing him, and it wasn’t helping. Leo felt enough like a tongue-tied teenager already.
‘All right. Make it easy, won’t you.’ He shot her a warning look. ‘Justin’s been very pleased with the way that you’ve covered a lot of the wider issues, and he’s come up with this. I told him that I had my reservations and that I’d talk to you about it.’
She thought for a moment. ‘I think it’s a good idea. We cater for young people up to twenty-one and the physical side of relationships can be an issue for them. What are your reservations?’
‘The first is that you’ve been speaking very candidly about your own experiences. And that’s been great, but I don’t want to put you in a position where you feel railroaded into sharing things you want to keep personal.’
She nodded. ‘Okay. Well, I think I’d rather take that one as it comes. In principle, I’m happy to talk about anything if it’s going to help someone.’
‘Fair enough. But I want you to remember that we’re on the radio. I have a personal objection to having any guest talk about things they’re not comfortable with.’
‘Thanks. I appreciate that. What’s the other thing?’ Her gaze caught his suddenly, tangling him in its web. Alex’s eyes had the power to leave him shaking, babbling all kinds of nonsense, and Leo tried not to look at them.
‘I think this is a fine line to walk. I don’t want to minimise the practical difficulties that a disability can cause, because I’ve seen a lot of those kinds of issues amongst my own patients. But, at the same time, it would be wrong to imply that having a disability means you necessarily have to have a problem with physical intimacy.’
Her face broke into a brilliant smile. ‘Since you know that without needing to be told, doesn’t that make you the ideal person for me to try this out with?’
For one dizzy moment Leo thought that she meant actually try it out. Up close and deliciously personal.
‘Why don’t we do this?’ She brought him back down from the furthest reaches of fantasy with a bump. ‘We’ll talk about the effects of losing a limb on body image. Then, if anything comes of that and a caller asks specific questions, we can answer them.’
That was probably the way that Leo should have put it in the first place, and the fact that he’d made a perfectly straightforward issue as embarrassing as possible wasn’t lost on him. ‘Yeah. That sounds good. As long as you’re completely happy with that.’
She nodded, turning to him suddenly. ‘I’m fine with it. And I really appreciate you asking. I think the only point I really want to get over is that someone who really cares about you will take you the way you are. And that communication’s the key thing.’
‘Which applies to all of us, I guess.’
‘Yes. It does. Can we sit down now?’
* * *
She never would have believed it, but it was actually quite sweet. Leo, tongue-tied about sex. Yet another facet of the enigma which, despite all her efforts, became more pressing to solve every time she met him.
‘What made you take up being a radio doctor?’ She sat down on one of the large designer sofas and Leo sprawled opposite on its twin.
‘I happen to think that being there for people is important. Many of the people who phone feel they’ve no one else to turn to. For three hours a week, I get to be the one that they can call.’
‘And the rest of the time?’
There was a trace of sadness about
his smile. ‘I just have to hope that the time I have might make a difference somewhere. It’s not an exact science.’
‘When we first met... You so wanted to be on the cutting-edge, saving lives...’
‘When we first met, I was dressed as a spaceship captain. I changed my mind about that as well.’
‘You did look very dashing. Ready to fly off into the unknown and take over new worlds.’
He shook his head. ‘That was more my brother’s style. I was always the sensible one.’
‘You didn’t say you had a brother...’
‘We were identical twins, and he still managed to be a lot better-looking than me. I kept him under wraps.’
‘Were...?’ There was something about the way he said it. ‘May I ask?’
‘I wish more people did.’ Maybe it was a trick of the light, the luminous sky banding the carpet with reflections which merged into the subdued lighting in the room. But when he turned his blue eyes up towards her, Alex thought she saw the young man she’d first met looking at her.
She swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the lump in her throat. She knew how hard it was when people tried not to mention things that mattered.
‘What was your brother’s name?’
She thought she saw a smile flicker on his lips. ‘Joel. He died six months after we first met. Just before Christmas.’
‘I’m sorry. Really sorry, Leo.’
‘Don’t be. No one talks about him all that much and...’ He shrugged. ‘Sometimes I wish that everyone would just stop trying to spare my feelings.’
‘I imagine they mean well.’
He nodded. ‘Yes. I imagine that they do. But Joel should have more than just silence.’
‘I’m happy to make some noise with you.’
Leo nodded. ‘Sounds good to me. Join me in a brandy?’
‘No, thanks.’
He walked over to a cabinet beneath the huge swirling picture on the wall, opening it and taking out a glass.
‘Joel suffered from depression. He didn’t tell anyone, but I knew something was up and confronted him. I persuaded him to go to the doctor, and when we found it was months before he could get to see a counsellor on the NHS we put what money we had together and he went privately to see someone.’
He turned, amber liquid swirling in the brandy glass in his hand. ‘Not that it did any good. Joel took his own life.’
‘But you tried. You were there for him...’
‘Not when it mattered. And I should have told my parents—maybe they could have done something. Joel asked me not to.’
‘Then you were respecting his wishes, weren’t you?’
‘Sometimes you have to act, despite what people ask you to do.’ He took a sip from his glass and then another larger one, as if the first hadn’t done anything to offset the pain. Alex doubted the second would either.
‘And that’s why you volunteered to work on the student helplines? For Joel?’
‘Yeah. I wasn’t there for him and the only thing that made me feel any better about that was being there for other people...’ He took another sip of his drink, as if to stop some deathly cold creeping over him.
Suddenly the hall of mirrors came crashing down. The charming Leo, the businessman, the cynic and the doctor. All of his inconsistencies suddenly made sense.
Leo was exactly what he appeared to be. A passionate, dedicated man who had been broken by guilt and regret. The fame, the ratings on his radio show—they were just a way of reaching people. And he’d sworn himself to that—dedicating his energy to people he didn’t know because people you didn’t know couldn’t hurt you.
‘I know what you’re thinking.’ He spoke softly. ‘It’s been said often enough to me. I should let it go.’
‘You’re good but you’re not a mind-reader, Leo.’ A force that was nothing to do with her own will, and everything to do with the look in his eyes, impelled her to her feet and drew her across the room to where he stood.
‘A lot of people aren’t that hard to read...’ His gaze searched her face.
‘Go on then, if you think you can.’
He laid his index finger lightly on the side of her brow, frowning as if some great mental effort was in progress. ‘Huh...interesting. Very interesting.’
For a moment it was as if he could see what she was thinking. Impossible. Snap out of it.
‘What’s interesting?’
‘I can’t read you. I never quite know what you’re going to do next. Fascinating.’ The curve of his lips made it clear that was a compliment.
She knew that it was just Leo’s charm, his way of turning a situation around and removing the barbs. But it was still compelling, and when she looked into his eyes she felt that he really did find her fascinating. Alex swallowed hard.
‘You know what, Leo? Even if you could read minds, you still wouldn’t be able to see into the future.’
‘I think the universe has something to answer for there. We can see the past but it’s too late to go back and do things differently. And the future...’ He shrugged.
The one time frame that mattered the most was the one that Leo seemed unable to get to grips with. ‘What about now, Leo?’
* * *
If she hadn’t been so beautiful he could have shrugged now off. Leo could have forgotten her scent and dismissed the idea that he didn’t have to reach very far in order to touch her.
‘Now is...just a moment. Gone before you have a chance to even know what to do with it.’
She reached her hand out as if to catch snowflakes. Then she closed her fingers tight. ‘There. Got it.’
Time really did seem to stand still, and it was the oddest feeling. One of complete warmth, absolute safety from a world that couldn’t throw anything at him because it was suspended, waiting for Alex to allow it to start turning again.
‘What will you do with it?’ Alex turned her gaze onto him and Leo knew exactly what he wanted to do.
‘I want to tell Tara that I’m sorry I didn’t get to see her again. I want to tell you that I’m sorry...for everything. For not being there and...’
She laid one finger across his lips and it was all that Leo could do not to frame a kiss. ‘I think everything pretty much covers it, Leo. If I tell you that you’re forgiven, can we put that behind us? Where it belongs, in the past.’
Somehow that seemed possible. Anything seemed possible as long as it was contained in this one moment and couldn’t spill out into their lives. He caught her hand, turning it in his to press a kiss against her palm.
Alex smiled. ‘Captain Boone and Tara. Let them kiss goodnight and slip away into the universe? Leave us to get on with the things we have to do.’
Maybe she was right. Ten years ago he’d let the chance to kiss her slip away. He’d regretted it then and the thought of repeating that mistake now was unbearable.
‘I’d like that.’
* * *
What harm could there be? If it could help Leo to let go, why not? One of the points of fancy dress was that you got to do things you might not normally do, and if anyone questioned them afterwards you could say you were just in character. Alex extended two fingers in a rough imitation of Tara’s immobility gun, prodding her middle finger against the side of his ribs.
Leo grinned. ‘So you’ve seen that episode, have you?’
The one where Tara held Captain Boone at gunpoint, then kissed him. She’d seen it. ‘I watched an awful lot of TV when I was recovering from the accident.’
‘And now you’re putting it to good use...’ He held out his hands, as if she really did have a gun on him. But his smile beckoned her. Grabbed her and dragged her in.
She brushed her lips against his.
‘Nice. Very nice...’ She felt his words form against h
er cheek and Alex drew back, teasing him for a moment. Then she kissed him, trailing her lips from his mouth to the side of his jaw.
‘Even nicer...’ He kissed her fingers when she put her free hand to his lips, and then waited. He knew that she’d come back for more and when she did she made it a proper kiss, her hand wrapped around the back of his neck, her lips parted as they met his.
Leo let her draw away again, the broad smile on his face showing that he liked giving her the upper hand for a while, but they both knew it was never going to last. Alex kissed him again, feeling the softness of his lips, the strong brush of his jaw. She felt hard muscle flex and suddenly he gripped her wrist, pulling her arm up, her fingers away from his ribcage. His other arm pulled her against him and he turned her around, crowding her backwards against the wall.
Then he kissed her. Tender at first and then with a mounting hunger which made her gasp. Leo knew just how to kiss a woman. Enough control to let her know that he could produce almost any reaction he wanted, and yet just the right amount of surrender.
His lips left a trail of fire across her cheek. She felt his teeth gently nip at the lobe of her ear and she gasped. ‘Tara...’
The retreat to the character’s name was no mistake. This wasn’t real, and he was telling her so. Just something they both wanted to do before their real lives reasserted themselves. He kissed her again, this time soft and slow. She knew there would be nothing more. There was a trace of regret in his eyes, as if he was finally waving Tara goodbye.
‘I’m glad we waited.’ His body was no longer pressing against hers, and he let go of her wrist. ‘If I’d done that when I was twenty-one, it would have totally blown my mind.’
‘And now?’
‘It’s totally blown my mind.’ He chuckled, whirling her around in a loose embrace and planting a kiss on her forehead. ‘But I’m not going to make any promises to call.’
‘Because...?’ She knew why. However much she ached for Leo, he wasn’t the man she wanted.
‘It’s a while since I gave anyone my full attention.’
And he wouldn’t give it to her. For a while maybe, it would seem so, but Leo always had something else on his agenda. He was afraid of missing anything. He’d committed himself to watching and waiting because he’d missed the most important moments of his life, the moments in which he could have answered Joel’s calls.
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