Alex took a deep breath. She owed it to Alice to accept the cheque, but she owed something to Leo too. ‘But I want you to think about why you’re doing this, Leo.’
‘Why would I have to do that? You said yesterday that Alice has a lot of potential, and she’s never going to be able to fulfil that without help.’ His lip curled in disbelief. ‘What more do you want?’
‘We have a lot of people who support us, and we ask a lot of them. I have a duty of care to them as well as our clients.’
‘You think I can’t afford this?’
‘I know you can from a financial point of view. My worry is that...that it’s not going to buy you...’ The word stuck in her throat.
‘Buy me what?’
‘Forgiveness.’
The shock in his eyes was palpable. For a moment Alex thought he was going to snatch the cheque up from her desk and walk out. What had she done?
Then he leaned back in his seat, rubbing his face with his hands. ‘Why do you have to make everything so damn difficult, Alex?’
‘Because...’ Because she cared about Leo. If this money was all it took to allow him to forgive himself, it would be a bargain. But it wasn’t, and he’d just keep on giving until he was too worn out to give any more.
‘Because if I don’t say this I’d be letting Alice down. And myself.’ Alex reached forward and took his hand. Felt his fingers curl around hers in a delicious artifice of an embrace.
‘Say it then.’ His gaze was dark, suddenly. Entirely hers.
‘I want you to know that this gift is not because you have some kind of debt to pay; it’s because you’re a good man and you have a good heart.’
‘You don’t understand, Alex.’ Something about the way he said it told her that he might just be coaxed into explaining.
‘Then tell me.’
He leaned forward, raising her hand to his lips in the parody of a kiss. For a moment Alex thought this was his way of letting her go, but he kept hold of her, clasping her fingers tightly between both his hands now.
‘This is between you and me. No one else must know.’
‘Yes. I understand.’ What could be this bad? Alex swallowed hard, trying to prepare herself.
‘My parents think that Joel overdosed by mistake. It’s a possibility that gives them some comfort and I can’t take that away from them. But it was no mistake. He called me.’
‘But...you didn’t speak to him, right? You don’t know what he was going to say.’
Leo shook his head wearily. ‘He called me five times, Alex, and I missed all of those calls. If that isn’t a cry for help I don’t know what is.’
She stared at him, numb with shock. Alex couldn’t imagine how that must feel. How he must constantly be going back to that, wondering whether he could have saved his own twin brother’s life.
‘It was the last weekend before I went home for Christmas, and my girlfriend wanted to go away somewhere. I switched off my phone, and left my brother alone on the one night he really needed me.’
‘But... Leo, people miss calls all the time...’
‘I know. And usually it doesn’t matter all that much but...’ He shrugged. ‘All I want is to give Alice the opportunity to run. I’m not looking to buy forgiveness because there isn’t any.’
There was nothing she could say. It was too cruel, too heartbreaking and there were no answers to it. Alice came to her rescue.
‘What Alice said...’
‘I know. I heard her. If you just try hard enough you can do anything. It’s a great thought and, coming from a kid like her who’s had so much to contend with already, it’s inspirational. But she doesn’t know everything, Alex. You and I know that there are some things you can’t do, and we just have to learn to live with that.’
‘Won’t you think about it?’
He shook his head, letting go of her hand. ‘No, I’m not going to think about it. Because I can’t change anything and if I thought about it too much I’d just be a mess. And there are things I have to do.’
She was losing him. He poured the rest of the contents of the cocktail shaker into her glass and drained his. Then he got to his feet.
‘You’re going?’
‘Like I said. Things to do. Paperwork.’
‘Can’t you do it another time? We could go for something to eat, or catch a movie...’
He smiled. That relentless, charming smile which hid so much. ‘Can I take a rain check? I really do have to work.’
He’d obviously forgotten that he’d asked her out to lunch first. Perhaps it was something that had suddenly come up, but Alex doubted it. Leo was drawing back, resorting to the tried and tested formula of not having time to think about anything.
‘Yes, okay. Rain check.’ She wondered what freak of nature was going to have to occur before the weather changed enough to induce Leo to change his mind.
‘Fantastic. See you tomorrow...’ He threw the words over his shoulder and walked out of the door.
CHAPTER TEN
IT WAS AS if nothing had happened between them. Leo was smiling and relaxed when he arrived at the radio station, taking the receipt for the cheque that she handed him with a nod but without saying anything.
If shaking him hard would have worked then Alex was quite prepared to do it. But it wouldn’t. Leo’s urbane charm wasn’t a reflection that everything was right in his world. It was a fallback position, and he hung onto it just as grimly as anyone else might hold onto anger.
Their hour on-air together flew. Leo was the ultimate back seat driver, supportive when he needed to be and letting her talk when she was on a roll and knew what she wanted to say. His gaze connected with hers as they said their goodbyes for tonight and went off-air and they both heaved a sigh, flopping back into their seats in unison.
‘Fabulous!’ Justin burst into the studio. ‘Great hour, both of you.’
Leo gestured towards Alex, chuckling. ‘Nothing to do with me. That was the Alex Jackson Medical Hour you just heard.’
‘You handled the sex beautifully...’ Justin was in full flow, and Leo raised his eyebrows.
‘Actually, we were talking about body awareness issues. You must have been listening to something else, Justin.’
‘Sex, body awareness... It’s all the same thing...’ Justin stopped short as Leo shot him a frown. ‘Okay, well, perhaps it isn’t. Great body awareness, then. And it was a fantastic hour, just like sex on the airwaves.’
Alex had felt that too. A meeting of minds instead of bodies, but nonetheless a lot like sex. But Leo, gentleman to the last, wasn’t having it.
‘Do me a favour and save the sex on the airwaves for the Jazz Hour, will you? Have you got the call-backs?’
Justin produced an envelope from the file he was carrying. ‘Here you go. Rather a lot of them, I’m afraid...’
‘That’s good. We want a lot.’ Alex spoke up and Leo chuckled.
‘Want to go halves?’ Leo opened the envelope, drawing out a dozen sheets of paper, stapled together.
‘Yes, thanks. I don’t think I can get through all of those tomorrow.’
He nodded, counting the sheets out and dividing them, pulling the back half from the staple and putting them into the envelope.
‘How’s the piece going for the Community Affairs programme?’ Leo asked Justin.
‘Very good. We’ve put together what you did, along with a few bits from the second half of the afternoon. It’ll be a fifteen minute slot.’
‘That’s great. Thanks.’
Leo waited for Justin to leave, and Alex saw him switch the voice link to the control room off. ‘Despite all appearances, Justin’s one of the best radio producers around. I’m lucky to be working with him.’
‘But you don’t tell him that. Just to keep
him on his toes.’
‘I told him. We were both a bit drunk at the time, and he told me I was radio gold and I told him he was the kind of producer that could turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse. We don’t mention it, of course.’
‘Of course not. That would be kiss and tell.’
Leo chuckled. ‘I wasn’t drunk enough to kiss him. We’re a good team though, and he knows it.’
‘He keeps you focused and you keep him honest?’ Alex wondered whether Leo would admit to being the heart behind the show.
‘There you go again. Making out I’m better than I really am.’ He got to his feet. That way of his, of closing a conversation before it got too uncomfortably close to reality.
Leo walked over to the door and waited and, when she didn’t follow him, he raised his eyebrows. ‘What?’
‘Nothing.’ She smiled back at him innocently, her heart pounding. This time, Leo wasn’t going to walk away, not before she’d done what she’d decided to do. And then maybe she’d be the one to walk away.
He heaved a sigh and threw himself back into his seat. ‘All right. I’ll wait.’
Alex rummaged in her bag, and pulled out the thumb drive. Leaning over, she put it into his hand. ‘The photos...’
‘For our website?’
‘No, I gave a set to Justin, before you arrived. These are for you.’ She rose, planting her hands on the arms of his chair. He looked up at her steadily, obviously waiting for her to make the next move.
‘I thought the show was great tonight. Thank you.’ She met his gaze, staring him straight in the eye as she said it. Then she leaned in. ‘So was the sex. Really enjoyed it.’
‘Does that mean you’re coming back for coffee?’
Alex straightened. ‘Thanks, but no. I’ve got to go, and I asked your production assistant to make sure my car was waiting as soon as the programme ended.’ She turned, grabbed her coat and bag and walked away from him.
* * *
It was snowing again, the light flakes taking on the shape of the wind, outside his window. Leo had taken a shower and was sprawled on his bed, his laptop in front of him, looking at the photographs.
He could almost taste the day again. Hear the cheers as Hayley passed the finishing line. See Alex running up to Alice and hugging her, ready for them both to smile into the camera. And there were snapshots of what had happened after he’d left. Little Sam, lagging behind the rest, the winners of his race turning to egg him on towards the finishing line. Evie, picking the little guy up, his arms held aloft, in front of a crowd that had risen to its feet and were applauding him.
He rolled over onto his back, staring at the ceiling. Alex had given him these photographs because she knew they’d touch his heart and in the stubborn belief that there was something of value there.
But their kiss had told him all he needed to know. It would be so easy, so sweet, to lose himself in her arms. But then the guilt would kick in and tear it all apart.
He’d work it out. Somehow strike a balance, learn to love her as a friend, and that would be enough. He’d start tomorrow, because tonight he wanted to look at the photographs, one more time.
* * *
‘Hey. What are you doing on Saturday?’ As usual, Leo launched straight into what he was intending to say without bothering with any preliminaries.
‘Nothing very much. I was going to drive down to my parents’ and stay the night, ready for the climbing wall on Sunday.’ Almost twenty-four hours without having heard from Leo forced Alex to ask, ‘You are coming on Sunday, aren’t you?’
‘Wouldn’t miss it.’ He neglected the obvious, not mentioning that he could be called away at any time. ‘I’ve got a couple of tickets for a media do on Saturday evening; the radio station’s got a table. Will you come?’
‘I’m... What sort of do?’ Alex thought furiously for some kind of excuse. It sounded much more like the kind of function that Leo would go to, and Alex suspected that she’d be like a fish out of water.
‘It’s a dinner dance. A lot of the right people are going, and it’ll be good to get your name out there.’
‘Out where...?’
Leo chuckled. ‘Figure of speech. You get to meet people; they get to meet you. It’s a great opportunity.’
It was a great opportunity to make a complete and utter fool of herself. ‘I don’t know, Leo. I’d have to drive all the way down to Sussex afterwards.’
‘Not necessarily. It’s being held in South London, and I can come and pick you up and take you there. Then afterwards we’ll go to my place, down in Surrey, and grab a few hours’ sleep. We can get up early on Sunday and drive down to Sussex then.’
That would work... Alex shook her head. She couldn’t believe that she was even thinking about it.
‘It’ll be fun. Chance to dress up a bit...’
That was exactly what was bothering her. ‘Well, to be honest, I’m not sure I have anything suitable to wear. This do is black tie, is it?’
‘Yeah. Well, if that’s all that’s bothering you, then that’s perfect. We can go shopping...’
Oh, no. She could see it now, having to try about a million different dresses on while Leo waited outside the changing room. He’d probably talk her into something that she normally wouldn’t wear and then offer to pay for it, so she couldn’t change her mind later.
‘No, on second thoughts I can probably find something lurking at the back of my wardrobe.’
‘Great. Last year it was quite formal—most of the women wore long dresses. You can’t go wrong with black...’
‘I’ll bear it in mind. And... Well, thanks for the invitation. And I guess I’ll see you on Saturday.’ That was another five days, and Alex could say the words with only a minor murmur of panic.
‘Something lurking in the back of your wardrobe?’ Rhona looked up from her desk as Alex put her phone down. ‘Going somewhere nice?’
‘Leo’s asked me to a dinner dance on Saturday. He says it would be good to meet some people.’
Rhona nodded. ‘He’s right.’
‘Yes, I know he is. What am I going to wear, though?’ Rhona had been through the contents of Alex’s wardrobe often enough. Some summer dresses, a few smart separates and a suit; the rest was all casual wear. None of that was going to do.
‘Looks as if you’ll be hitting the shops. Or Mum can run something up for you, if you like.’ Rhona’s mother had been a seamstress and still made most of her own and her daughter’s clothes. Rhona would bring a bolt of fabric into the office, and a couple of days later would appear in something that was entirely unique and usually stupendous.
‘Thanks. I don’t want to put her to any trouble.’
‘You know it’s no trouble. Why don’t you go and have a look around at what’s in the shops now, and if there’s something you like that’s fine. If not, you’ve got some clue about what you would like.’
What Alex really would like was to look effortlessly glamorous, the way Evie did. Have Leo gasp and compliment her dress. ‘I think I’ll settle for just not looking out of place.’
‘Whatever. Just go. Once you’ve got a few ideas you’ll feel better.’
* * *
Alex didn’t feel any better. She’d been into three or four of the big stores in Oxford Street and picked up a whole string of black dresses, putting most of them back down again. The ones she’d tried on all had something wrong with them—too fussy, too revealing. And black just didn’t seem to suit her.
She flopped down on one of the comfortable sofas next to the entrance of the changing room. This was all a disaster. She was going to be scouring the shops for the next three days, then she’d panic and get just anything. Then feel even worse because Leo would undoubtedly look immaculate and good enough to eat.
Alex looked at her watch. An hour b
efore closing time. She could either look at everything again, to make sure there was nothing she’d missed, or give up and go to the in-store café. Maybe if she came back tomorrow evening, after work...
Then she saw it. Alex got up wearily, walking over to the mannequin and looking at the price ticket. That wasn’t too much. If it fitted...
She caught up the dress and walked to the changing room. It wasn’t going to fit. The neck wouldn’t look right. There was going to be something the matter with it, the way that there was something the matter with all the others.
But it did fit. It was simple, plain and, when Alex left her cubicle to try walking up and down a little, the skirts were wide enough and didn’t cling around her legs. She stopped in front of a long mirror by the entrance to the changing room and one of the sales assistants looked up from the desk.
‘That looks nice...’
‘I’m...not sure.’ Alex stared at herself in the mirror.
‘No, it’s lovely.’ A woman on her way into the changing room stopped, laying an armful of clothes on the counter. ‘It really suits you. Understated but it looks classy.’
Classy was just what she wanted. Alex nodded her thanks and went back to the cubicle, pulling out her phone.
‘Rhona... I need your help...’
* * *
Leo couldn’t deny that he was looking forward to Saturday evening. By the time he’d showered and dressed, he could almost taste his excitement. He took one look in the mirror and gave himself a nod of approval. He’d do. Neat and unremarkable, his attire designed to allow the woman on his arm all the attention.
Not that Alex needed him for that; she dazzled all by herself. She looked great in anything because it was her smile that everyone noticed. Alex was one of those women who outshone anything that she could possibly be wearing.
He picked up the keys for his SUV, parked next to his saloon car in the garage downstairs. The past few days had been wet, drizzle alternating with snow, and the track which led to his house in Surrey was likely to be muddy. Patting his pockets, checking that he had everything, he let himself out of the flat and called the lift.
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