From what I could see of the seats past the dusty plastic, they were in immaculate condition. The floor mats were new.
Lots of room in the back.
“Do you want to take her for a spin?” Cor dangled the car keys in front of me, tempting me.
“I don't know.” My hands still clutched the steering wheel, kneading it as if to test its reality.
Cor reached past me and stabbed the key in the ignition. “There. Take it out.”
It had been months since I had driven my own car.
Cor slammed the door shut, and the orange smell intensified. Nerves fluttered in my stomach as I reached for the key. What could it hurt? It was just a test-drive. No commitment.
And this is how sad my life had been of late. That the thought of driving an old beater car got me all fluttery.
Of course, my emotions were a little shaky yet after the encounter with Jack. Thank goodness, he left shortly after Cor returned. Which of course made Cor curious. So to forestall his inevitable cross-examination, I asked him to show me the car.
And here we were.
Cor flapped his hands at me in a shooing motion.
He wasn't going to quit until I went. So I started it up, pulled the gearshift into reverse, and backed out of the driveway before my sensible side took over.
I turned onto the road, and from there it was a few minutes to the outskirts of town, and from there…
Oh, the freedom! The unbeatable bliss of choices. The idea that I could turn down that road. Or that road. Or that one.
Or get to the interstate and just head out on the open road.
Keep going. Who's gonna know? Eric hasn't found you yet. No one's gonna go after you over some lame trumped-up assault charge. You can dump the car.
And what about Leslie? Anneke? Nicholas? Amelia?
Relationships and expectations that were put on you. You didn't take them on.
But I did. I didn't need to go running to Leslie. I could have gone in any direction, but I came here. To my sister. For the first time since Leslie had left for college, we were in the same place.
And I had that stupid pending court case. I should have asked Jack about it, but in my flustered state, I'd forgotten.
I twisted against the restrictions of expectations, but they held me fast. So I turned the car around and drove slowly back to Cor's place. As soon as I parked the car, he was through the gate and standing beside the door.
“And? What did you think? Runs pretty good, doesn't she?” he said as I handed him the keys.
“It does.” I waited a beat, then took a plunge. “How much do you want for it?”
Cor pursed his lips, thinking. “Well. Jack said it's not worth much. How about three hundred dollars?”
“No. That's way too low.”
Cor put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a light shake. “I really want to get rid of it, and the longer it sits in my driveway, the less valuable it becomes. You'd be doing me a favor, honey.”
I thought of the freedom the car would give me. Thought of what I could do with it. The possibilities. If three hundred was all Cor was asking, I could stay a little longer after I paid Leslie back and maybe save up enough to get a decent start in Chicago.
Unless, of course, Ralph's assault charge sticks.
I couldn't go there. If that happened, I was here for who knew how long trying to pay for a lawyer, dealing with a court case, throwing money in seventeen different directions.
Think positive. Think positive.
“Two hundred,” Cor said, misreading my hesitation.
“Stop already.”
“Buy it already.”
“Okay. Okay. It's a deal. But at three hundred.”
“No. Two hundred, and you pay me when you have enough money together.” Cor squeezed his hand tighter on my shoulder and then unexpectedly pulled me close to his barrel chest in a quick hug. He patted me on the back before drawing away, looking sheepish at his sudden outburst.
“I'm glad you're buying the car,” he said. “I don't like the idea of you walking home from work late at night.” Cor put both his heavy hands on my shoulders, his intent gaze holding mine.
“Harland. The high-crime center of Montana,” I said, trying to brush off his concern.
“But I do worry about you. In more ways than one. I was glad to see you in church, but that's only a start, girl. God is looking for you, and I'm going to be praying that you'll hear His voice, hear Him calling you.”
“I'm not so sure I like the idea of more voices in my head. What if I don't want to answer? Or the line is busy?”
Cor gave my shoulders a little shake. “Joke all you want. It doesn't change the fact that God loves you like a father. You don't know exactly what a father's love is. Or even a mother's. But God put His only Son's life on the line for you. Terra Froese. You need to know that.” He pulled me close in another awkward hug, patting me heavily on the back.
“Oh, Terra, Terra,” he said with a sigh, holding me tight. “What are we going to do with you?”
I closed my eyes, feeling the rough texture of his shirt, the strap of his suspenders pressing into my cheek. If I had to make up a father, this is what he would feel like, I thought, my arms barely reaching around him as I returned his hug.
In that fleeting moment, I felt like a daughter. A beloved daughter.
As far as God's loving me, though…
Snatches of verses slid through my mind, memories of the church service, of what Father Sam had said.
Forgiveness. Atonement.
I pulled away and gave Cor a quick smile. “You're not going to quit your campaign to bring me into the fold, are you?” I said, though I wasn't feeling as breezy as my voice made me out to be. “Even though I'm a stubborn, hitchhiking mongrel?”
“Well, Jesus said He would go after some dumb sheep who didn't know enough to find his way back when all the others managed to. What makes you think you're any different?”
His blue eyes held mine with an intensity that made me realize where Jack got the gift.
“Nothing can separate you from His love,” Cor said, adding another salvo to the ongoing crusade. “Remember the Bible passage the minister read on Sunday? ‘Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there…’”
“That's all well and good, but you're forgetting the second part—the part that talks about slaying the wicked and bloodthirsty men. Not so much comfort in that piece.”
Cor frowned at me, as if I had spoken some heresy. “But it ends on a good note. The psalmist talks about God searching his heart, and about asking God to lead him. That can be a great comfort.” Cor patted me on the shoulder. “God knows your heart. He knows your struggle. He's calling you to come to Him, and He's waiting.”
I didn't want his simple words to influence me, but I couldn't let them go. Nor could I process them completely. All my life I'd held a basic concept about God. I didn't bother Him; He didn't bother me. But since I'd come to Harland, I had bumped up against God and Jesus again and again.
“I've done too many things wrong. I'm sure God doesn't really want to go looking for me.”
“Well, you know sin is like a big hole between you and God, but when you confess those sins, they become the bridge.”
“Then I'd have a pretty big bridge.” I tried for a quick smile. “But in the meantime I guess we have some paperwork to do,” I said, bringing the conversation out of the heavenly realm and back down to earth.
Cor gave me an odd look as if he understood what I was doing and was resigned to it, but he wasn't happy with me.
He led the way to the house and I followed.
Little mongrel, lost lamb.
“I wasn't sure what would come up, but look at these.” Leslie knelt down by a patch of bright yellow and purple irises. “Try putting these colors together in an outfit, and you'd be banned from polite society.”
&nb
sp; “Even impolite society,” I said, brushing the petals of one of the irises with a finger. “I can't believe you did this,” I added, completely impressed with my little sister.
“I just put the bulbs in the ground. Sort of like that one Bible passage about us planting the seeds but God watering and giving growth.”
I had no clue what Bible passage she was talking about. Since I had come to Harland, I had been inundated with Bible facts, so I figured I should have some clue. However, I also knew the Bible was a fairly hefty and confusing tome and had a lot more words than any other books I'd been exposed to, so my ignorance could be excused.
“Well, He did a good job with that growing part,” I said. “They're lovely.”
“I planted lilies as well, but they won't be flowering for a couple of weeks yet.” Leslie pushed herself to her feet and looked around her yard, a woman content with her world. “Next year I'm going to try to start some of my own bedding plants. Judy said she would help me set up a small greenhouse. I'm looking forward to trying some squash and peppers. Maybe cantaloupe or muskmelon.”
“And maybe you can buy yourself a little bonnet and apron and have a little booth at the farmer's market to sell all your stuff.”
Leslie shot me a frown. “Don't tease.”
“I wasn't.”
Leslie's frown deepened.
“Well, maybe a little.” I laughed. “C'mon, Leslie. The last time I visited you in Seattle, your houseplants were begging me to put them out of their misery, and now you're making plans for vegetable and fruit self-sufficiency.”
“I enjoy it, and it still surprises me that I enjoy it.”
“Surprises me, too.” I shivered as a breeze whisked the warmth of the sun away. I grabbed Leslie by the arm and pulled her toward the house. “How about you serve me some of your iced tea made from tea leaves that you grew and dried yourself?”
A few minutes later, we were sitting on her deck, our feet up on lawn chairs. Nicholas and Anneke were with Dan on the tractor, so my sister and I were alone.
“I have something for your kids,” I said, reaching into my backpack. I had been a little disappointed to find out that Nicholas and Anneke were gone when I arrived. This time I had done my auntly duty and come bearing gifts. A Polly Pocket for Anneke and a tiny plastic farm set for Nicholas. I had even wrapped them up.
“That's so sweet,” Leslie said, taking the packages. “You can give them their presents when they come home. You are staying for supper, aren't you?”
“I plan to.” I dug into the knapsack again, pulled out an envelope, and, with a flourish, handed it to her. “And this is for you.”
Leslie took the envelope with a light frown, which turned into a pleased smile when she pulled out the thank-you card. “Well, thanks for the thanks…” She stopped when a bill fluttered out. She bent over to pick it up. “What's this?”
“It's what I owe you.” By saving every penny of my tip money and begging Lennie to give me an advance on my wages, I had managed to scrounge together the exact amount of what Leslie had lent me.
“I said you didn't have to pay me back,” Leslie said, holding the money between her finger and thumb as if it were contaminated.
“But I want to. I have to.” Every time I pocketed another tip, Dan's words had tiptoed around my subconscious. “Now we're even, right?” I toasted her with my iced tea.
“I would have gladly given you the money. We're not that broke.”
That wasn't the impression I got from Dan. “Doesn't matter. I owed you, and I pay my debts.”
“I'll take it, but I'm not happy about this.” Leslie tucked the money back into the card and set it beside the presents I had brought. “Are you sure you're not shorting yourself?”
“What's to short? I have a cheap place to live for now, and once this stupid court thing is out of the way, I'll be able to save up some more.”
“Do you have a lawyer yet?”
“Lawyers cost money. I'm going to defend myself,” I said with a flippant grin.
“Defending yourself was what got you into this mess in the first place.”
“At least you admit it was self-defense.”
“Jack told me.”
I almost choked on the ice cube I was sucking on. “Jack admits I was telling the truth? Why did he arrest me, then?”
“He said Ralph had corroboration and you didn't. He had no choice. Besides, Ralph was the one bleeding, not you.”
“So I really don't need a lawyer after all…”
“You cut Ralph's forehead open, though after what you told me about Eric, I understand that scenario better, too.” Leslie focused her attention on the ice cubes in her drink. “I wish you had told me earlier about Eric.”
“I probably should have, but I thought things were getting better between us. I thought I just had to learn to go through some of the ups and downs of a relationship.” I shrugged. “Trouble was, the downs were often on the floor. Our relationship was such a classic scenario, I'm surprised Social Services didn't use my story on a pamphlet as a ‘loser’ warning.”
Leslie swirled her ice cubes around her glass. “Are you afraid? That he'll try to find you?”
Her voice was casual, but underneath I caught a faint note of concern for her own family. “He won't find me. He doesn't have a clue where you live. I've never told him, and I never called you or wrote to you from our home phone or our home computer.” I gave her a smile that I hoped was comforting. I wished she would drop the subject. I'd started moving to a better place in my life in the past few days. I was starting to make some plans. Dwelling on the past brought doubts and headaches. Today was bright and full of promise, and once I was free to go, I could move on to a fresh new stage of my life.
“Ever since I became a Christian, I've been praying for you,” Leslie said quietly.
Her words pulled me up short. Another person praying for me. Should I feel flattered or afraid? “What exactly were you praying, pray tell?” I tried to laugh, but it fell flat.
“I prayed that you would come here. I think your coming here is a sign of those prayers being answered. A sign that you need to be here.”
“Honey, the only signs in my life are the ones that say ‘Now Leaving Harland’ and ‘Welcome to Chicago.’ There are no other signs.” She spooked me out with her talk of signs. Like some kind of magic got me here. There was nothing magical about Eric who was the catalyst for my trip.
“But you're here. And I've been praying that you would experience what I have.”
“This faith thing?” I tried for mockery, but my heart wasn't in it and the tone fell closer to question than derision.
“Yeah. This faith thing.” Leslie's gaze locked onto mine.
“You know, you want me to go to church, but I'm getting enough sermons hanging around Harland,” I said, throwing up one last feeble defense.
“Who else has talked to you?”
“I got a mini agricultural lesson on lambs and Jesus looking for a lost sheep from Cor.”
“He got that one right. I think you are lost, big sister.”
“What do you mean? I have a plan. I'm going to Chicago…”
“And then?”
“Find a job that pays me more than a buck over minimum wage and tips.”
“And then?”
I squirmed, wishing she would stop. “I don't know. Join a rock band.”
Leslie's exasperated head shake dismissed my silly comment. “You've been running for the past few years. Running against the wind.”
“Don't knock it. I like that song.”
“You should. It's been your life's theme for too long now. One of these days you're going to get tired of this restless, windblown wandering. You'll be old and tired, and you won't have a place that's your own, and you'll realize that one really is the loneliest number.”
“Leslie's greatest hits.” I was really scrambling now. Scrambling for a foothold on the place I used to stand. But I was losing ground. Fast.
It wasn't fair, I thought, curling my shoulders as I cupped my hands on my elbows. I had come here feeling vulnerable, and now Leslie was hitting me again and again and I didn't have the strength to fight back.
“I've been hoping and praying you would come here. Hoping and praying I would be given a chance to talk to you about what's happened to me. And here you are.”
I felt a surge of protective anger. “I'm here because you're my sister and because I needed to lay low.”
“There are a lot of other places you could have gone to avoid Eric. But you came here. To the only family you have.” Leslie put her cup on the table, leaned forward, and gently dislodged one of my hands, holding it between hers. “I think you came here because in your subconscious you thought you might find healing here.”
“I came… I came because…” I stopped. I looked down at her hand holding mine because it was easier than looking into her eyes.
“I've found a meaning to my life here,” Leslie pressed on, obviously sensing my wavering. “I've seen you watching me, as if you're wondering yourself what is going on. I know that God loves me, and He has given me purpose in my life. I want you to find that purpose, that meaning.”
I wanted to shut out what she was saying. Yet, as she spoke, in spite of my resistance, her words quieted the angry voices and created a silence and stillness I had never felt before. “You know this still seems a little weird to me, don't you?”
Leslie smiled. “I know. You need time. I did too.” She got up, went into the house, and returned with a small book. I knew what it was before she even placed it on the table beside me. “I want you to have this for now. It's small enough to fit in your backpack. If you have a chance, read it.”
I held the book, tracing the gold letters on the cover, then slipped it into my purse before I gave in to an impulse and opened it up. Though my resistance to all this faith stuff was shrinking, it was still a scary proposition.
This faith thing means losing control. Don't fall for it.
As if I have so much control over my life now.
“Does this come with Cliff's Notes?”
“No. But if you're really stuck, I'm sure Father Sam or Cor could help you out.” She waited a beat. “Or you could come to church again.”
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