by Louise Corum
Then a thought occurred to him. Maybe it was all put-on. Maybe she wasn’t mentally ill. Maybe she was fooling him, always had been. He could feel the forcible grip she had on him and on his life. She was suffocating him with her needs and his promise to their mother. She was his family, his only family, the only family he would ever have because she would not let him go. It was all about her, her, her! He was sick of it, too.
He could have it all. He could have Kathleen and the life everyone wanted. He could have a family; he wasn’t too old to be a father. He could give her everything and they could travel and have a Christmas tree.
Elka stopped dancing and stared at him. “Why are you late?”
“Work,” he muttered and loosened his tie.
“I’m hungry,” she said.
“I’ll get your dinner,” he said and started out of the room.
“I miss Mother,” Elka whispered suddenly.
He turned around and stared at her. She was staring at him with big, sad eyes. He studied her, studied her eyes. Today, there was emotion in them that had been lacking for so long. Could she be getting better? Was that possible? New hope sprang up inside of him. If she got better… Well, he could marry Kathleen and have a family. If she got better, life would get better for him. Maybe she could. Maybe that could happen. You never know.
“Me too,” he said and smiled at her.
“Sandwich,” she said and pointed towards the kitchen. “You. Go fix me a sandwich.”
He did as he was told.
*
The next morning, John stopped by a flower shop on his way in to work. He bought a dozen roses and arranged to have them delivered to Kathleen at the office. Then he went to work. She was at her desk typing and she didn’t say a word. He figured he was better off if he didn’t say anything either.
An hour later, he heard her squeal in delight and then she came bounding into his office with a wide smile and a twinkle in her eye.
“You are so sneaky!” she squealed and came to him, grabbing his face in her hands and kissing him hard. “Oh, John, the flowers are beautiful!”
“I’m glad you like them,” he said and wrapped his arms around her waist.
“I’m sorry I was so mean yesterday,” she said.
“I’m sorry, too,” he said. “I really am. I’m an idiot. I’m not good at this whole thing. It’s completely new to me.”
“I’ll teach you,” she said and nodded knowingly.
“I’m sure you will,” he said and couldn’t help but smile at her.
She laughed and said, “Tonight you are coming to my apartment and I am fixing you supper and we are going to have wine and the whole deal and if you say no, there will be hell to pay.”
He panicked. He couldn’t stay over and he couldn’t go home late. He glanced at the clock, then said, “How about this? How about you take the rest of the day off and then in a few hours I’ll drop by?”
She seemed to like that idea, especially the part about taking the rest of the day off. She giggled, kissed him and whispered, “I like the perks of sleeping with the boss!”
He blushed and said, “Get going before I change my mind.”
“Yes, sir,” she said with a wink.
He winked back and watched her scoot out of the office. Then he turned to the work on his desk, met with his managers and took off a few hours later. Kathleen was waiting in her small but comfortable apartment in nothing but a negligee and a smile.
He wanted to be greeted like that every day. He grabbed her and walked her backwards to the couch and made love to her, feeling her essence and her skin and her being. As he touched her, he realized he was so in love with this woman he couldn’t think straight whenever she was around. He wanted to be with her, inside of her and give her everything he had. His deep love was bordering on worship. He had been alone for so long that he wanted to make every minute count.
Their lovemaking was strong and intense and it was over quickly, just because they couldn’t contain their excitement for one another. Once they were finished, they kept kissing and touching and then they were making love again. This time it was slower, but no less intense. They stared into each other’s eyes and John felt his soul stir. He felt his heart swell with love and he wanted to give it all to her, all the love he had.
Afterwards, he helped her finish preparing the meal. They ate, playfully feeding each other the mashed potatoes and pork chops off their forks. The food was delicious. John couldn’t remember a time when he felt so comfortable, so good, so at home. As they dined, she chattered, talking almost nonstop. It wasn’t annoying in the least to John and he hung on her every word. Until, of course, she asked, “When am I going to meet your family?”
And then he got scared. Reality was back, nipping at his heels, telling him that he shouldn’t be starting something like this because he certainly couldn’t finish it. He knew this had been coming but he hadn’t been prepared for it so soon. He stumbled over his words, “Well, uh…”
She’d been sitting on his lap. As soon as the words were out of his mouth she slipped out of his embrace and stood with arms crossed. “You don’t want me to meet your family?”
He thought for a moment before he said, “It’s just that I don’t have a family, really.”
“You don’t? How could you not have a family?”
He found himself preparing to lie, “Well, my parents are both dead and my sister…”
“Yes?”
“She’s…” he paused and thought about it, then said hurriedly, “She’s in an institution.”
“Yes, that’s what I heard,” she said.
“Excuse me?”
“Well, the people at work talk, John,” she said.
“What have they said about my sister?”
“Well, not to be mean, but that she’s out of her mind,” she said. “And that she’s in a mental institution.”
If everyone already thought that, then why didn’t he put her in one? He sighed. Because of the promise he’d made to his mother. But it was odd to think about how little everyone knew of him. No one knew what he did, what he went through or how much he sacrificed. They probably didn’t care either; everyone was dealing with their own problems.
“You could have told me, you know,” she said and leaned across the table and picked up her cigarettes. “I have an uncle who’s bat-shit crazy. He needs to be in an institution.”
He marveled at her nonchalance on the subject. Maybe he’d been taking it all too seriously. That’s what he liked about Kathleen. She made him take life less seriously. Look at all the things he’d been doing—sneaking out with her for “business lunches” and staying later and later at work. Elka did get suspicious of him coming in late and would accuse him of things and say mean things but he’d called the old doctor and asked for a stronger medicine. He’d told him that she was getting worse, which was true, and wasn’t sleeping that much anymore, which was also true. As a result, the doctor prescribed Elka a new medicine which had begun to work wonders, though it made her more lethargic. He could actually stand to be in the same room with her now. The doctor had warned him to stay on a strict schedule or it could have adverse effects. He’d heeded the warning and never gave her any extra, as he had with the other medicine.
He felt a pang of guilt for neglecting Elka but this was something he had to do. The affair with Kathleen had taken over his life. It’s all he ever thought about and all that he desired. He never frequented the bar anymore and rarely drank. He hadn’t even thought about visiting a prostitute.
“I’m sorry about your sister,” Kathleen said. “When I said that, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful or anything. It’s just what I heard at work.”
For a moment, he wanted to ask what else the people at work had been saying, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment, and truthfully, he didn’t really want to know. What people thought was their own business. But knowing that everyone thought Elka was in an institution was oddly comforting.
> “I can go with you sometime,” Kathleen said and lit a cigarette. “To visit her.”
“What’s that?”
“When you go to visit her,” she said. “I can go with you. I don’t mind. Places like that don’t bother me.”
“Uh,” he said and cleared his throat. “I don’t go that much.”
“Well, whenever you go, let me know,” she said and took a long drag off her cigarette. “I don’t mind.”
He nodded and realized she was getting too close. He wanted her there, but there was a certain danger in it, a certain responsibility. But why not tell her the truth? Why not admit that he had taken care of Elka all these years and would always have to? She would probably be impressed and think that he was a good person. But the burden of it would inevitably become known to her. And that was the reason he couldn’t get too close to her. She wouldn’t be so starry eyed about it, about him being the self-sacrificing brother, when it ate into her time and her needs.
The fact was, even if she did understand, after a while, she wouldn’t want to share him with Elka. She would see what had to be done and would suggest a solution which would obviously be to put her away in an institution. Should he just bite the bullet and put Elka away? He didn’t know. He was still consumed with the responsibility his mother had put on him.
“But my uncle,” she said. “I don’t know how my aunt does it. She has to do everything for him and it’s just awful! I would go insane myself if I had to put up with that. And he goes off sometimes. I mean, he runs away. It took them a week to find him once and he had made it almost to Atlanta, Georgia! And he’d walked most of the way!”
No, he couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t do that to her. She didn’t want that kind of life. It wasn’t her place to take on a task like the care of Elka. Even if she agreed, and she probably would as she was a kindhearted, good person, it would take its toll and she’d soon tire of it. She had seen what her aunt had gone through with her uncle and would quickly come to the conclusion that if she stayed with him, she’d end up in the same situation. Who would want that for their life?
Besides, maybe he just wanted something that was all his, something that wasn’t tainted by Elka’s problems. He was in a predicament he’d never be able to get out of and he didn’t care to bring anyone else into it, either.
“That’s too bad about your uncle,” he said and wished she’d change the subject.
“Yeah, it is,” she said and stared at him.
He nodded and stared back at her, waiting for her to go on, as she usually did. But she had stopped talking and had got that look in her eye that told him that her mind had turned to other, more pleasant thoughts. He glanced at his watch but didn’t even have a chance to read the time before she was walking out of the kitchen and into the bedroom, looking over her shoulder, giving him that look. His heart began to beat rapidly and he followed her without thought and met her at the bed and then he pushed her down on it. It was scary the power she had over him with just one look.
Once they were done and lying in each other’s arms, she turned to him and smiled. “Hey, do you want to, you know, stay for breakfast? I don’t think I’ve ever cooked you breakfast before.”
He knew she wanted him to spend the night, but, of course, he couldn’t. “Uh, no, I can’t,” he said and got up and started to put on his clothes.
A hurt look crossed her face. “Do you have someplace to be or something?”
He pulled his shirt on and shook his head. “No, well, yes, I have some things to do at home and—”
“When am I gonna get to see your house?” she asked. “The people at work say you live in some old mansion.”
He swallowed hard. She was definitely getting too close. He felt his heart began to race as panic settled in. He couldn’t let this go any further. He had to nip it in the bud. There was nothing to do but end it.
The thought of ending it filled him with dread and longing. But that moment when they would no longer be together was rapidly approaching. He hated the thought of hurting Kathleen, the thought of him, himself, being hurt by this turn of events. But it was an inevitability and there was nothing he could do.
He was obliged to take care of his sister. Sure, he could have told Kathleen about the whole situation, but he hated to involve an outsider in Elka’s neurosis. Besides, she’d pretty much admitted she couldn’t handle it, which was no surprise. Not many people could. He could barely handle it and he’d been doing it for years. He knew that one day it would break him, as it had his mother. Taking care of someone like Elka took its toll and the price to pay would eventually be your life. He’d seen his mother go downhill for years before her actual death. He was still in high school when her time was ending. That’s when she’d started to work on him, pulling him in, weighing him down, giving him the line about family responsibility and guilt, two toxic effects that, when combined, made a lethal mixture.
But Kathleen… Well, he loved her too much to hand her this liability and, no matter what she said, once she was in on it, it would become her problem, too. He didn’t want that. As much as he cared for her, he wanted her to have a happy life, even if it meant them not being together. It was as simple as that.
Now. He had to do it now. There was nothing he could do about it, either. He just hoped she wasn’t as in love with him as he was her. If she was, it would tear him apart.
“How about right now?” she asked. “I can go right now. I don’t have anything else to do. I’d love to see your house.”
There was such eagerness in her voice, such a willingness to please that it almost sickened him. He forced himself to say, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Kathleen.”
She stopped pulling on her shirt and stared at him. “Why not?”
“The place is a mess.”
“I don’t care about a few dirty old dishes,” she said and shook her finger at him. “I might even help you clean up, if you’re nice. Besides, the place probably needs a woman’s touch. You men don’t know anything about decorating.”
“No, Kathleen.”
“Why not?” she asked.
He took her hand and forced her to sit on the bed. “Kathleen, I… I don’t think we should continue this.”
She pulled her hand back. “Why not?”
“It’s not working,” he said and hated the tone of his voice, all stern and cold, the same voice he used at work and with Elka.
“What are you saying, John?”
“I’m saying that we need to end this now before it goes any further.”
“Are you serious?”
“I am,” he said and fought off the feelings that were coming at him, afraid that he was sounding like a louse.
“You don’t want to see me anymore?” she asked.
“I don’t think it would be a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t do it, Kathleen,” he said. “You’re so much younger than me and—”
“Twelve years!” she exclaimed. “That’s not that much!”
“It is for me,” he said. “I’m too old for you.”
“You are not,” she said and shook her head. “John, what did I do?”
“You didn’t do anything.”
“Is it because I asked about your sister?”
Again, it was always about Elka! He wanted to rip her name from his mind and never think it again.
“I didn’t mean to pry,” she said desperately. “I won’t talk about her if you don’t want me to. I just have a big mouth, that’s all. I talk and I don’t even know what I’m saying most of the time.”
“It’s not that,” he said. “It’s just that I can’t.”
“But why?” she asked as tears streamed down her cheeks. She grabbed his hand and held it tight, would not let it go. “Why John? Just tell me why, that’s all I want to know.”
It was easy, that question of why. Because it would ruin her life, as it had his. Because he could see her face in the not so distant future a
nd envision the lines and weariness it would cause. He could see the arguments that dealing with Elka would cause. He could see, so clearly, her future misery. He could see his happiness fading. Tomorrow he’d be alive with grief and wanting. The next day he’d feel better, but not much. Soon the pain of lost love would only become a dull ache. It was a familiar ache, a longing. He’d felt it all along and it had only subsided when Kathleen walked into his world.
To go back to that… Well, there wasn’t much choice. There never had been a choice for him, or an opportunity to be the man he was meant to be. But he couldn’t put her or any other woman through the mess that was his sister. It was too complicated, too much of a burden to carry. It was too much to ask of someone.
He turned to her and his heart broke. Her lovely face was splotchy and her eyes were red-rimmed with tears. He wanted to take her into his arms and kiss her. He wanted to feel his lips on top of hers. But he couldn’t. It ended and it ended tonight. It had been great while it lasted, but this was the end. There was no returning to what had been and no marching forward to what might be. He had to do it now. If he didn’t, he might not find the strength to go through with it again. He didn’t even know how he was managing now.
So he slipped his hand away from hers and stood. He found that even as he stood, his first instinct was to take her hand again, perhaps in an effort to steady himself. But he found the strength he needed to move away from her.
“John, no,” she cried. “Please, no, don’t do this.”
He almost told her it was all a joke, a bad joke, almost grabbed her and kissed her. He wanted to, so badly; he couldn’t stand that awful, hurt look on her face. But he didn’t. Maybe he was just a bastard, deep down inside. He didn’t really know what he was. He only knew this would never work and it would never work because of Elka.
She fell down crying. “I could be so good to you. Why won’t you let me be good to you?”
He knew why. He just couldn’t explain it. It wasn’t her fault. He hated what he was doing. He hated that she could be good to him, that she had been so good so far. But he had to stop this before it went any farther. He was protecting her, sure, but mostly he was protecting Elka. He knew that if he let Kathleen in, she would make decisions about what to do with Elka and they would conflict with what he’d been taught to do. “They’ll talk about her, John,” his mother had told him. “They will say mean, terrible things about your sister. Don’t let them do that. Protect her against all odds. Do whatever it is you have to do to keep her safe. Someone like her wouldn’t make it in an institution.”