by Sophia Gray
Daniel nodded and sniffled, keeping his face buried in Antonia’s chest.
“It’s okay now, darling,” Antonia said. “You’re safe. Everything’s fine. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real.”
Daniel choked out another sob but otherwise didn’t make any noise in response. Antonia’s skin prickled with worry. Her son was usually so talkative and animated. In the past, whenever he had a bad dream, he’d tell her about it in extreme detail, asking her if any part of it was real. Why was he not jumping into a long-winded explanation now? And did it have anything to do with the bruises she’d noticed earlier?
“What’s going on?” a small voice asked. Antonia turned back to the hallway again and saw that Bobby got gotten up and was now standing next to his father, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Nothing, honey. Go back to bed,” Antonia said. She hugged Daniel closer when he gripped her neck even harder than before, his little nails digging into her skin painfully.
Bobby frowned, his brows furrowed together as he looked to his dad for an explanation. Cal just sighed and put his hand on the top of Bobby’s head. It was the first time Antonia had ever seen Cal touch Bobby, at least in a semi-affectionate way. “Go on back to bed, Bobby,” Cal said. “We can see Daniel some more tomorrow.”
Bobby hesitated, his gaze flipping between Cal’s face and Antonia’s a few times before he finally nodded and turned back around. He paused again at the door to his bedroom and waved a little at Antonia before he disappeared back into his bedroom.
“Why don’t you tell me what you dreamed about, sweetheart?” Antonia whispered into Daniel’s ear again. She shifted her weight from one foot to another as the weight of her son in her arms became more difficult to bear.
Daniel didn’t respond, staying perfectly still in her arms, like a sack of rocks.
Out of nowhere, Cal spoke again, his voice softer and sweeter as he addressed Daniel. “Hey, buddy. Are you hungry? Why don’t we go downstairs and have a sandwich? I know when I have a bad dream, a quick snack can help me forget about it faster.”
Daniel was still for another long moment before he finally nodded his head, keeping his face pressed into Antonia’s shirt. Antonia looked up at Cal again, surprised that he hadn’t gone back to his bedroom by now, but when Cal nodded and gestured for her to follow him downstairs, she complied. She kept a safe distance, though, of at least a couple feet from Cal until they made it back into the kitchen.
“What kind of sandwich do you want? I have just about everything here,” Cal said, presumably addressing Daniel but looking straight into Antonia’s eyes.
“He likes peanut butter on wheat bread,” Antonia said. “Isn’t that right, baby?”
Daniel nodded slowly. Cal set about making a plain peanut butter sandwich. Antonia was practically transfixed, watching as Cal’s wide, broad hands worked slowly and methodically at making the perfect sandwich for Daniel. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from Cal’s long, thick fingers, the same ones that wrapped around her neck just twenty-four hours earlier.
When he was done making the sandwich, he gestured for Antonia and Daniel to follow him into the dining room. He set the plate down on the table before taking a seat. Antonia had a feeling that Daniel wasn’t ready to be put down yet, so she settled on the seat and held Daniel in her lap as he reached out for his midnight snack. “Do you want to tell me what you had a nightmare about, honey?” she asked softly. She brushed some of the hair back from Daniel’s forehead as he leaned over to bite into his sandwich.
Antonia’s son just shook his head and chewed, completely disregarding the question. Antonia felt frustrated and a little annoyed, but she promised herself she wouldn’t show it, instead giving a comforting backrub to her son as he continued to eat.
“What do you have nightmares about?” Daniel asked when he was halfway through his sandwich. It took Antonia a moment to realize it, but he was talking to Cal, not her.
“Uh, what?” Cal asked.
“You said you have nightmares, too, sometimes,” Daniel explained. “What scares you, Mr. Amos?”
Antonia inhaled deeply, preparing herself for Cal’s inevitably caustic, vague response. He didn’t let anyone get close to him, not even his own son. Why would he answer Daniel’s innocent question?
But instead, Cal smiled. The expression looked oddly out of place on his face, like he was molded only for misery. “A lot of different things scare me,” he admitted, tapping his fingers on the table in front of him.
“Like what?” Daniel asked with his mouth full.
“Oh, lots of stuff,” Cal replied. “Sometimes I have dreams about big storm clouds closing in on my house. Or other times I have nightmares that I’m stuck in a dark room and I can’t find a way out of it. Stuff like that.”
“Sounds scary,” Daniel commented. He brushed his hands over his plate to get the crumbs off his fingers. He turned around in Antonia’s lap to face her and said, “Mommy?”
“Yes, sweetheart?” Antonia said. She kept her arms wrapped tightly around her son even as he wriggled a little bit on her lap.
“I’m tired. Can I go back to bed?”
“Of course,” Antonia answered. She got to her feet carefully so as not to drop Daniel on the ground. “Do you want Mommy to lie down with you for a while?” Usually, Daniel wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep after a nightmare unless he was cuddled up with Antonia. She knew it was a habit he’d have to break eventually, but not tonight.
“No, I’m okay,” Daniel said. His response surprised her so much she stopped in her tracks for a second to make sure she heard her son correctly. “I’m so sleepy…”
“Okay, honey, I’ll take you back to bed,” Antonia said. She hitched Daniel higher up in her arms as she left the dining room and walked back to the staircase.
“Can Mr. Amos come with us?” Daniel asked, reaching out beyond Antonia’s shoulder to gesture towards Cal, who had followed them from the dining room to the main entrance area.
“Um…” Antonia wasn’t sure what to say. She turned to look at Cal to see if he was put off by the mere suggestion of spending more time with his live-in help.
“Sure I will,” Cal said. He walked faster to catch up with them and head up the stairs.
“I—thank you,” Antonia stuttered out. Her face burned a little as Cal led the way back towards Daniel’s room. Why was Cal being so nice? He hadn’t even reacted this way when his own son had a bad nightmare a few weeks before. What was it about Daniel that suddenly made Cal act like a decent human being? More than decent, Antonia realized. Not even Paul would stay up with me to talk Daniel down after his nightmares, and he’s my son’s father. Why in the world is Cal being this way?
Antonia finally dropped Daniel back down on his bed and gathered the blankets around him to protect him from the cold. “Sweet dreams,” she said as she pecked Daniel on the cheek.
“Can I have a kiss from Mr. Amos?” Daniel whispered, as if he was afraid to ask the question.
Okay, that was probably going too far, Antonia guessed. “No, honey, just go to sl--” she started to say to her son, but before she could say anything else, Cal appeared at the side of the bed and leaned over her to get to Daniel.
“Goodnight, champ,” Cal said. He pecked Daniel’s forehead lightly, then walked out of the room.
Antonia’s jaw dropped open as she watched Cal walk toward the door, but when Cal turned around and made eye contact with her, she tore her gaze away from him, refocusing her attention on her child. “Goodnight, darling,” she whispered as sweetly and reassuringly as she could. “We’ll talk in the morning, all right?”
“Goodnight, Mommy. Don’t let any monsters get you,” Daniel said. He yawned widely as his eyes slid shut.
As soon as she was fairly confident that Daniel was asleep, Antonia got to her feet, turned the lights off, and closed the bedroom door behind her. Out in the hallway, she sagged against the wall and buried her face in her hands as the events of the day
caught up with her. She felt utterly wrung-out, like every drop of energy in her body had been drained away.
“He’ll be okay.” Antonia dropped her hands from her face to make sure that she’d heard correctly. Cal was standing across from her now, chewing on his bottom lip and crossing and uncrossing his arms every few seconds like he couldn’t get comfortable. “He seems to be all right, anyway.”
“I don’t know,” Antonia admitted. She signed deeply and peeled herself off the wall. She walked further away from her son’s room just in case he was still awake and happened to be listening. “Can I get your opinion on something?” she asked Cal. He followed her down to the opposite end of the hallway, safely away from both Daniel’s and Bobby’s bedrooms.
“Sure,” Cal said.
“I’m not sure how to say this,” Antonia admitted. If she had any energy left inside her, she would have felt embarrassed to talk about this with Cal, afraid that he’d think it was inappropriate, especially given their previous lapse in professionalism. But for now, other demands outweighed her bashfulness. She needed advice, and unfortunately there wasn’t really anybody else she could turn to at the moment. “Daniel came home with weird bruises on his body.”
Cal’s brow immediately furrowed. His eyes narrowed as he listened to Antonia’s words. “Big or small?”
“Big,” Antonia said. “And I don’t know how they got there. Daniel said he fell or bumped into something or just had some kind of normal accident while he was running around, but…”
“But you think something else might have happened,” Cal suggested, stating it matter-of-factly rather than phrasing it as a question.
“Right,” Antonia replied. “Like…I don’t know. I’m just being paranoid and freaking out about things. It’s probably nothing.”
“Not necessarily,” Cal said. They came to a stop in front of his bedroom. Antonia fidgeted with her hands for a moment, feeling awkward and unsure of what to do until Cal gestured for her to follow him into his room. “Come on, let’s talk in here.”
Antonia did as she was instructed, going over and sitting down next to Cal on his bed. The heavy sensation of dread hung over her chest, making her feel like her breath wasn’t able to get inside her lungs. What could have happened to Daniel? Antonia wondered. She picked anxiously at her fingernails, tearing up the sides of her cuticles painfully. Where did those bruises come from? Could…someone have hurt him?
“I don’t know what to do,” Antonia confessed, thinking out loud. “I really don’t know.”
“About the bruises?” Cal asked.
Antonia nodded, still not looking directly at Cal. “I don’t know what they mean. I mean, I don’t want to freak out over nothing, you know? Paul…he’s a shitty guy, but he loves his son. He wanted partial custody of him when we broke up. I don’t think he would hurt him.”
“But…?” Cal prompted her.
“But I don’t know for sure,” Antonia said. She blew out her breath in frustration. “I don’t want to accuse him of something. I mean, we already don’t get along. I got into a fight with him today in front Daniel…and Bobby, too, by the way. Sorry about that. I know it’s very unprofessional and wrong and I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It’s okay,” Cal said. “Trust me, I’m sure Bobby has seen a lot worse.”
Antonia smiled sadly, then finally turned to look at her boss. “Weirdly, that doesn’t make me feel better.”
“Sorry,” Cal said. He returned her humorless smile, which looked more like a grimace on his face. “But I guess there’s probably not a whole lot anyone can do right not to make you feel better, huh?”
Antonia nodded. She swallowed hard around the bile that was creeping up her throat as she pictured the bruises on Daniel’s skin. “Yeah. I guess I just have to let myself feel this way. Terrified and fucking useless.”
“You’re not useless,” Cal said, his tone weirdly defensive, as if she’d just personally offended him. “Don’t say that.”
“Why not?” Antonia asked, shrugging at Cal. “It’s the truth. I can’t even get my son to tell me what’s going on. He’s five years old, and he’s already learning how to lie to me.”
“Men learn to lie to the women in their lives at a young age. I wouldn’t worry about it” Cal said, offering another smile, a little brighter this time. “Anyway, all you can do right now is exactly what you’re doing. Paying attention. Asking Daniel to tell you if something is wrong. Being concerned. It just means you’re a good mom.”
Antonia scoffed and rubbed her own arms against the chill of the room. “Yeah, right. I can’t even afford a good place to stay. Whenever you’re done with Bobby, we’ll be back living in some cramped shithole. Daniel’s going to grow up hating me, and he won’t be wrong to feel that way.”
“Hey, stop it,” Cal said. He shuffled closer to her on the bed until they were almost touching. “Don’t talk like that.”
“I’m just being honest with myself,” Antonia said. She sighed deeply again, feeling a heavy weight of despair on her heart. Either something was happening to her son, or she was freaking out over nothing. Either way, she wasn’t acting the way a mother should act. A real mother protects her children no matter what, Antonia thought. A real mother has things under control. Why can’t I just be strong for Daniel? Why does everything have to be a goddamn mess?
“Beating yourself up right now isn’t going to accomplish anything,” Cal argued. “Look, you tried to get him to talk to you. That’s all you can really do right now. So try not to think about it.”
Antonia sighed and rocked her head back, rolling her shoulders one way and then another in an attempt to get at least some of the tension out of her pent-up muscles. “I don’t think that’s an option right now,” she said, laughing bitterly at herself.
Cal was quiet for a long moment. Out of the corner of Antonia’s eye, she could see that he was frowning, his usually blank and expressionless face wrinkled with frustration. “How can I help?” he finally asked in a low, soft voice, barely audible even in the silence of the room.
Antonia was caught off-guard. For a long time she couldn’t come up anything to say. Finally, after several long silent moments, she cleared her throat and said honestly, “I don’t think you can. Thank you, though.” She paused for a moment then said what was on her mind. “You know, you really surprised me tonight. I thought you hated kids.”
Cal seemed to flinch a little, like she’d crossed a boundary by saying that. Oh, well. She couldn’t exactly take it back now. “I don’t…hate kids,” Cal said haltingly. “I just don’t know how to be…” He let his sentence trail off, sighing to himself and staring down at his own lap.
“I’m sorry,” Antonia said. She turned to face Cal and scooted a little bit closer until their legs were touching slightly. “I didn’t mean it as an insult. It’s just that you don’t seem like you want to be around Bobby very much.”
“I guess that’s fair,” Cal said. He nodded to himself and then turned to meet Antonia’s eyes again. “I mean, look. I only met him a couple weeks ago, like two days before I met you. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. Nobody ever trained me for this.”
Antonia let Cal’s words hang in the air around them for a long moment before responding. But eventually she murmured, “That’s kind of how I felt when I first had Daniel.”
“Oh, yeah?” Cal asked. He shifted around on the bed to fully face Antonia.
“Yeah,” Antonia admitted. She still felt a slight burn of shame climb up her back as she thought about how she felt in the weeks after Daniel’s birth. “During the pregnancy, I thought I would have Paul’s help, you know. He wanted a baby. I thought everything was going to be okay. But when he actually got here…” Antonia’s words broke off, and she shook her head at herself, still disappointed in her heart for ever loving someone as weak and cowardly as Paul. “He didn’t help me at all. I was all by myself, and I wasn’t ready for that.”
“So what did you do?�
�� Cal asked. His face remained calm, but his voice betrayed some sense of urgency, like he desperately needed to know the answer.
“I waited,” Antonia said, thinking back on those long hours where she stared down at Daniel, praying for the strength to take care of him. “In some ways I’m still waiting.”
“Waiting for what?” Cal asked.
“To feel ready,” Antonia said. “To feel like I’m not a total fuck-up ruining my child’s life. I still don’t know if that’s true or not.”
“You’re not a fuck-up,” Cal said, shaking his head at her. “You’re not.”
“Pfft. Thank you, but you don’t know me well enough to say one way or another,” Antonia said. She sighed deeply and stretched her neck from one side to another, trying to work out the painful kinks that had formed in her muscles over the past few hours. “Anyway, you can only do your best. Even if that’s woefully inadequate.”