However, a “lecture hall” was another thing entirely; why, it was a place of learning, of enlightenment! Lectures were given here: scientific lectures, magic lantern shows of foreign lands. That it was also, occasionally, a place where plays were performed, operas sung, and ballets danced was merely convenient, as well as palatable, to the good, upright citizens of this Grand Republic of ours.
January 2, 1863: this was the date I made my debut in the Lecture Hall. On that enormous stage where Miss Jenny Lind had sung and bewitched her listeners, I felt as if I had completed a very long journey. I had finally arrived where I belonged, surely.
I’m certain I went dutifully through my rehearsed program that night. I sang my songs, told more stories, enacted a graceful little dance, answered planted questions from my audience. I was a professional; my body could go through its paces, even if my mind was not fully engaged. And I don’t believe it was that night. I remember only the most serene feeling, almost one of complete detachment from this elegantly attired woman standing in the middle of this famous stage, moving about so competently, watched by hundreds of avid eyes. And even as I danced and chatted and sang, I knew, somehow, that I would long remember the details of my humiliation on Colonel Wood’s boat much more intensely than I would the details of this evening’s triumph.
I wondered why that was. I wondered if this was how it always felt when all your dreams came true. Perhaps, after living with them for so long, did you simply toss them away—and begin to dream about something else?
One of the first evenings I appeared at the Museum, I was resting in my sitting room—everything in it made to my size, down to the exquisite silver hairbrushes and mirrors on my dressing table—between levees. I had already grown to love this oasis, for I now could not stir one foot in this city without causing a sensation. I had tried to take a stroll through the footpaths of Central Park, but soon found well-meaning citizens too eager to lift me over the snow banks. The first time I entered the grand establishment of A. T. Stewart’s through the front door, simply because I wanted to look at the new bonnets, I was immediately surrounded by a crush of people who blocked my progress, some of whom earnestly tried to show me where the children’s clothing could be ordered!
And my hand, my delicate, manicured hand, throbbed so at night after shaking so many much larger hands, that I had to soak it in lavender water!
So I was enjoying my respite, intending to finally begin Lady Audley’s Secret, which I’d heard so much about, when there was a knock on my door.
“Yes?” I called out.
“Miss Warren, it’s me. Barnum.”
I leaped off the sofa, my book sliding to the floor; opening the door, I smiled and said, teasingly, “What is this ‘Miss Warren’ business? You’re not still angry with me about that extra two hundred a week?”
But Mr. Barnum did not answer; he was not alone. “Miss Warren, it is such a pleasure to meet you,” said a little boy, hat in hand, standing in front of Mr. Barnum.
But no. He was no boy. I stared at him in puzzlement, trying to place him, for he looked very familiar. Then the dawn broke upon me, as I remembered the carte de visite that I still possessed, somewhere, possibly in an old valise back at the farm, the photograph of an impish young man with light brown hair, merry eyes, clad in a Scottish kilt.
He was bigger now, fleshier, boasting a decided double chin and a mustache, which looked absurd, almost as if it were pasted on. I could not now picture him in a kilt; the idea almost made me giggle. He was immaculately attired, however: a perfectly tailored navy blue suit with snowy white cuffs, gold cuff links. He looked prosperous, well fed, and surprisingly, as I continued to stare, somewhat rudely, at him, extremely nervous.
This was Charles Stratton. Or as he was known to the rest of the world, General Tom Thumb.
“I hope you don’t mind, but we thought we’d see if you’d like some company,” Mr. Barnum said, following Mr. Stratton into my room. I still hadn’t uttered a word; I could only continue gaping, for the two of them aped each other’s movements with odd perfection, as if they had spent a lifetime polishing this act. I wasn’t sure, at first, who was imitating whom. But as they sat down—Mr. Barnum upon one of the two regular-size chairs I kept for visitors; Mr. Stratton settling happily upon one of my small armchairs—they crossed their legs at the same time, loosened their vests, checked their pocket watches—exactly in unison, as if choreographed.
I very nearly laughed, but there was something in the earnestly dignified expression upon Mr. Stratton’s face that stopped me.
“Of course I do not mind. And it is a pleasure for me, as well, Mr. Stratton.”
“My friend came up from Connecticut today expressly to see your performance,” Mr. Barnum told me with an odd little laugh; I noticed he was twisting his hat about in his hands as if he didn’t know what he was doing. If I hadn’t known him better, I would have thought he was nervous! But no, the Great Barnum was never nervous.
“Oh? I hope I did not disappoint you, then.”
“Oh, no! It was grand! You dance right smart, and sing like an angel!” Mr. Stratton could not contain his enthusiasm; forgetting his practiced dignity, he bounced around in his seat like a jack-in-the-box. “I can’t believe you’ve never performed before! Can you, Phineas?”
Mr. Barnum and I exchanged a quick look; he had taken great pains to present me as his latest discovery, great pains indeed not to mention my previous performing history. I did not mind this omission in the least; in fact, I welcomed it. I suppose it was our very first humbug. But it was a mild one, and it had the added value of somehow convincing me that this might prevent Colonel Wood from making any claim toward my services.
“Thank you, that is very kind, Mr. Stratton. Especially coming from one as experienced in this business as yourself.”
Mr. Stratton puffed and preened but looked to Mr. Barnum as if seeking permission to do so. Mr. Barnum, however, did not respond; indeed, his mouth was clamped shut, his eyes bright: He was observing us, keenly, and I did not like it. I managed to hide my uneasiness and continued to listen politely to Mr. Stratton, who could hardly contain himself; conversation poured out of him as if from a bubbling coffeepot.
“I was just saying to Phineas here that I have some business that will keep me in New York for a few days. Gosh, I do want to tell you all about it! I have so many business dealings these days—real estate, insurance, horses, investments. Do you know what investments are, Miss Warren?”
“I do,” I replied but immediately regretted it, for his plump face fell; obviously, he had wanted to inform me himself.
“Oh. I’m just learning all about this, for Phineas says I need to di-di—what was the word, old chap?”
“Diversify,” Mr. Barnum supplied.
“Diversify! You see, it’s best not to limit myself to performing interests. You don’t want to put all your eggs in one basket, especially these days!”
I had to smile at Mr. Stratton’s enthusiasm, but I could not shake the feeling that he was simply reciting a speech that someone—Mr. Barnum—had taught him.
“How very smart of you,” I said warmly.
“Thank you!”
“You know, Charlie here bailed me out of a jam recently, Miss Warren. He really is a true friend,” Mr. Barnum interjected as the conversation lulled; apparently, Mr. Stratton had run out of rehearsed topics of discussion.
Again, I found his speech a trifle off. “Miss Warren” sounded odd, given how familiar he and I were by now. I wondered why he was acting so strangely; there was no hint of the intimacy that had grown between us.
“True friends are the best friends,” I replied automatically. But Charles Stratton mistook this little aphorism as a compliment; he blushed and shook his head violently.
“No, I was just doing what anyone would do in the same situation. I owe Mr. Barnum everything, and I will never forget it.”
For the first time, I decided, Charles Stratton sounded sincere and unrehea
rsed. I peered at him, attempting to see beyond the obviously calculated appearance—he tried too hard to resemble a gentleman of the world, with his careful grooming (his odd little mustache glistened as if it had been oiled), the cuff links polished to a gleam. Yet despite his earnestly grown-up manner, his brown eyes were appealingly boyish, almost bashful; I found myself wondering what it had been like to live in the public spotlight since the age of five. It must not have been easy for him; it was little wonder he had learned to cloak himself in practiced attitudes and rehearsed speeches!
Suddenly I felt a tickle along the back of my neck; glancing up, I observed Mr. Barnum observing me. He was not smiling; he looked grave, almost concerned.
There was another knock at my door; before I could rise to open it, I heard a childishly treble voice call out, “May I dare enter the domain of the lovely and popular Miss Warren?”
I immediately frowned, as did Mr. Barnum and Mr. Stratton. What was he doing there?
He was Commodore Nutt, or as he was better known, “the Thirty Thousand Dollar Nutt,” Mr. Barnum’s discovery prior to me. He was a little taller than me, thirty-six inches, from New Hampshire; Mr. Barnum had hoped to present him as something of a copy of General Tom Thumb. So he’d outfitted him, given him a military title—so popular in those war days—and taught him to sing and dance a little.
(I will remind the reader that Mr. Barnum had no need to train me; I came to him with a full complement of talents.)
Commodore Nutt was younger than me by about seven years; he was closer to Minnie’s age. But he acted much older, putting on airs, smoking endless cigars, consuming whiskey with an efficiency that was alarming. Upon being introduced to me, on my very first day at the Museum, he pronounced me “the lovely and popular Miss Warren.” He had thus addressed me, ever since. It was obvious he was enraptured by me, puffed up beyond his years by an inflated sense of self-importance.
“Ah, the lovely and popular Miss Warren,” he said now, as I opened the door, stifling a sigh; he placed his hand upon his heart and bowed deeply. I suppressed an urge to pat him on his head and tell him to run off to play. He was such a boy, not unpleasant to look at, with shiny brown hair and eyes, a mischievous, almost elfin little smile. His voice was not as high-pitched as Charles Stratton’s, yet I could not think of him as anything but a very nice lad—and one who was not earning nearly as much money as I was.
“Pray sit down, Mr. Nutt.” I refused to call him by his military title; his real name was George Washington Morrison Nutt. I felt the tribute to the Father of our Country rather misplaced; there was nothing grand or imposing about this fellow. He capered about the stage like a child on leave from school; for some reason, the audiences enjoyed seeing him cut up so. I could not help but notice, moreover, that his audiences were not quite as big as mine—and he sold far fewer cartes de visites. “Of course, you know Mr. Barnum and Mr. Stratton.”
“Whatever the lovely and popular Miss Warren desires,” he replied, eyeing my other visitors disapprovingly. But then he flashed an expansive smile as he shook hands all around. “Mr. Barnum, as always. And Mr. Stratton, what a pleasure and honor. What brings you out of retirement, old fellow?”
Mr. Stratton did not appear to perceive the insult from the younger man; indeed, he grinned sunnily and exclaimed, “Miss Warren, of course!”
“Indeed!” Mr. Nutt’s nostrils flared, and his chest puffed out like a bantam rooster’s. “What a tragedy for you. For naturally she and I are in each other’s company every day, while you are stuck at home in Connecticut.”
“No, I’m not, for I’m to be in New York often, now that I’m in Business!” Mr. Stratton nodded eagerly.
“Oh, really. How fascinating. Ah, beauty, cruel, cruel beauty!” Mr. Nutt whirled and reached for my hand, raising it to his lips, kissing it. “You know not how many hearts you break!”
“Now, see here!” Charles Stratton rose, a faint, puzzled frown almost creasing his face. “I was here first, old chap.”
“All’s fair in love and war, as the poet says,” Nutt retorted, with a grin.
“Ridiculous!” I yanked my hand away, then pointed to an empty chair. “You—sit over there. And you”—I gestured at Mr. Stratton—“just—sit. And you!” I whirled around and glared at Mr. Barnum.
He was watching the three of us pensively, as if we were performers upon a stage, a stage of his own design. His eyebrows drew together, his crooked mouth pursed, and I saw that piercing, all-seeing light in his eyes escape from behind its gray curtain.
If I hadn’t known any better, I would have sworn I heard a cash register jingle in his brain. Actually, I did know better. And I knew that I had.
I was disgusted, I was insulted.
I was also, in spite of myself, intrigued.
INTERMISSION
From The Scientific American, April 4, 1863
PRESENT CONDITION OF THE “ROANOAKE”
The iron-clad steam battery, ROANOAKE, is rapidly approaching completion and it is thought that steam will be applied by 1st of April. The turrets are nearly finished and the pilot-houses are completed.… Her armament will be one 15-inch gun and one rifled 200-pound Parrot gun in the forward turret; one 11-inch gun and one 15-inch gun in the midship turret, one 11-inch gun and one rifled 200-pound Parrot gun in the after tower.
From the Brooklyn Daily Eagle, May 23, 1863
POLITICS IN PETTICOATS
The people of Brooklyn in turning out largely last evening to hear a young lady talk politics, and in very warmly applauding the incoherent nonsense which she uttered, gave a marked proof—not of their good sense—but of their chivalric feeling for the sex. Miss Dickinson labored for an hour last evening (the thermometer was at eighty-seven), to show a sweltering crowd the way in which Providence is teaching the nation. Miss Dickinson came to an abrupt conclusion, and left her audience about as wise as she found it. As the ways of Providence are interpreted by Miss Dickinson, our salvation depends solely upon the darkey. She is not very clear on this or any other point, but as nearly as we can guess at it, this is what she means.
[ TEN ]
Two Rivals for One Hand
CHARLES STRATTON WAS BORN IN 1838 NEAR BRIDGEPORT, Connecticut, where Mr. Barnum had not yet made his home but soon would. It was there, in 1842 while visiting his brother, that Mr. Barnum heard of this remarkable child who was barely two feet tall, even though the lad was nearly four years old.
Phineas Taylor Barnum was still in the early stages of his career as a showman; he had already come to some fame by exhibiting Joice Heth and the Feejee mermaid. But he was looking for something even more remarkable, and the moment he discovered this tiny child, he realized he had found it.
Convincing the child’s parents—whom I never did like, finding them coarse and vulgar and, worse, stupid—to entrust little Charlie into his care, Mr. Barnum began to teach him how to sing, to dance, and to do popular impressions of the day. (“Yankee Doodle” became his best known.) He clothed him in miniature uniforms, increased his age from five to eleven (in order to play up his diminutive form), and began to exhibit him, to mild acclaim, in the United States as Tom Thumb. However, he soon decided to take little Charlie overseas, where he was an instant sensation and received the best publicity possible by being asked to perform for Queen Victoria. It was the young Queen who gave Charles his title of “General,” as well as a miniature blue carriage, matching miniature Shetland ponies, and the right to call himself a Royal favorite.
Mr. Barnum brought his Royal protégée back home, and from that point on General Tom Thumb, as he was now universally called, was a household name, the top performer at the Museum (until Miss Jenny Lind came along), and a true friend of Mr. Barnum’s. He was also a miniature adult who had never been a little boy, and that was the part of him that always managed to touch me. The lost, sad part of Charlie, the part that caused him to say, so wistfully, whenever he saw a child absorbed in a toy, “Vinnie, I like to watch them play. You know I never
had any childhood, any boy-life.”
This poor soul had been taught to take wine at dinner when only five, to smoke at seven, to chew tobacco at nine. Little wonder, then, that by the age of twenty-five, when we met, he was already showing signs of an overly indulgent lifestyle; he was growing portly, short of breath, and was much too fond of wine.
Charles Stratton told me all this about himself, and more; he was soon escorting me out to the lobby after my levees in the Lecture Hall, where he waited patiently and proudly for me to sign my photographs. The public saw this, saw his attention to me, and soon there were whispers and rumors of a romance. Whispers and rumors that Mr. Barnum did not appear to mind in the least. In fact, I suspect he planted more than one anonymous letter to a diminutive Cupid in the newspapers himself.
Commodore Nutt also saw this; he grumbled and tried to shoo Charles away, as if he were simply a pesky insect, and once the two even came to blows over who would escort me to my dressing room. Commodore Nutt continued to give me pathetic looks, spouting flowery paeans to Love. The public also became aware of this budding rivalry, and I didn’t have to wonder who was responsible for informing them.
“I blame you for all this mess,” I told Mr. Barnum curtly one evening after Nutt tried to read me a love poem, and Charles threatened to thrash him.
Mr. Barnum had offered to drive me back to my hotel himself, so for once neither of the two “rivals for the exquisitely manicured hand of the Queen of Lilliput,” as a newspaper article had tittered, was present. I felt a great relief, as if I had suddenly been released from a stifling, airless room; it was such bliss to speak my mind freely, to sit without fear of being clutched at or mooned over or scrutinized for my every gesture, look, or sigh.
The Autobiography of Mrs. Tom Thumb Page 17