To Dr Cartwright, A Daughter

by Meredith Webber

  Ben frowned at her.

  'I know he hurt you, Katy,' Ben murmured. 'Heaven knows, I could have killed the bastard with my bare hands he hurt you so bad. But don't you think he deserves to know he has a child? And, from a purely practical point of view, don't you think you could do with a little help from him financially?'

  'No and no,' she said firmly. 'I tried to tell him once and he sent my letters back. Now, for Julia's sake if nothing else, it's best he doesn't know.'

  Ben shrugged his shoulders.

  'I won't say anything, then,' he muttered. 'In fact, I think I'll stay in here, then I don't have to talk to the guy. I might still feel the need to punch him in the jaw.'

  Katy chuckled at the image of the short, tubby, dapper little restaurateur taking on the tall, well-muscled Jake.

  'Perhaps I can stay in here with you?' Katy asked, only half-joking as she fought the physical effect of Jake's presence nearby.

  Ben reached out and touched her hand.

  'You'll cope, my girl,' he told her. 'You've the strength of a hundred tigers when it comes to something you really want to do—and a thousand tigers when it comes to that kid of yours!'

  'That's what you think!' Katy muttered. 'At the moment a mouse could beat me—and an underfed mouse at that!'

  She left the room and returned to her duties, studiously ignoring Jake, who was flirting with the young waitress and apparently enjoying his steak.

  And his coffee! Then more coffee.

  He was still sitting alone at his table when Katy went through to the cloakroom to change into her street clothes. She wondered if he'd arranged to take the younger waitress out for a drink when she finished work. The thought depressed her as she struggled into her jeans and pulled the zip up so forcefully it jammed and she had to fiddle with it to release it.

  'Walk you to your car, lady?'

  He was waiting by the door and she flinched away from him as he touched her arm. They walked through the door together, but she hesitated on the pavement. The flashing blue and red restaurant sign was turned off as they emerged and their eyes had to adjust to the shadowy darkness.

  'I—I catch the bus,' she stuttered to break the sudden silence. He was suffocatingly close, and now even she could smell the drift of tangy aftershave Julia had associated with lemon grass. 'Just up the road.'

  'Oh, for Pete's sake, Katy! Don't tell me you still rely on public transport? How do you get Julia to medical appointments? And don't bother telling me she doesn't have any! I'd have thought even a stubborn, independent woman like you would have realised the difference your own car could make.'

  He drew her out of the way of a group of young people heading for the night-club up the road and she leant against the wall, trying to gather the strength to walk away from him.

  'You work full time at a well-paid job and waitress at night. Why haven't you got a car?'

  She smiled at his vehemence and shook her head as past and present collided again. Jake had wanted to buy her a car to help her cope with her hectic work and study schedule. He had always been infuriated by her determination to be independent.

  'Same old arguments, huh, Jake?'

  He dragged his fingers through his hair, tugging at it as if it might stimulate his brain.

  'Same old lots of things, Katy,' he said soberly. 'I'd always thought desire was something cerebral—you liked someone so were physically attracted to them, as if there were a mental switch of some kind. But if that's the case, a person should be able to turn it off.'

  He leaned closer, too close.

  'Especially when one realises the object of desire isn't interested. Ridiculous, isn't it, that desire can still exist in such a vacuum? Such an unlikely situation?'

  The words brushed across her lips in light puffs of air only seconds before his mouth closed on hers. Their noses bumped and she tilted her head to make the contact easier, forgetting she shouldn't be reacting, shouldn't be kissing him back with all the hunger of her love-parched soul.

  Her arms crept around his shoulders, feeling the flesh and bone of him beneath the soft cotton shirt. Her fingers tangled in his hair where it brushed against his collar, then slid upwards to press against his scalp, cradling his head as they slaked their thirst for kisses.

  Fine way of showing you're not interested! her mind yelled, while her body moulded itself closer to his. It was so good to be held against him, to feel complete again. Warmth filled her veins, saturating her senses, and a strange lightness made her cling more tightly to Jake, as if to anchor herself in some reality.

  'Perhaps not a vacuum!' he murmured, and she shivered as the huskiness in his voice played its own part in her seduction.

  His tongue skimmed across her lips, probed deeper, touched and taunted hers, and she stopped thinking altogether and gave herself up to the sensations that came flooding through her body, wave after wave of desire, and heat, and need.

  She returned his kisses with a desperation born of six long years of separation. Somewhere in her mind a voice argued that it shouldn't be like this, that the magic shouldn't still be working after all this time! It must be lust! the voice insisted. A frustration-induced chemical reaction! A hormonal rush!

  She ignored the voice and pressed closer, her hands conducting their own exploration while her lips tingled with the taste of him and her body throbbed beneath his hands.

  'Let's find somewhere a little more private.'

  Jake's voice, ragged with emotion, stilled her hands. They were inside his shirt, pressing on his skin, teasing at the whorls of hair and tight, nubby nipples. She withdrew them slowly and patted her own clothes into a semblance of order. She tried to stop the shaking, but no deep breaths or silent common-sense advice could still the raging tumult of her senses.

  'Let's not,' she muttered, her own voice as hoarse and rasping as his had been. 'This is stupid, Jake. It can't happen. I can't let it happen!'

  She pushed away from him and clutched her hands against her chest, hoping pressure might calm the turmoil surging beneath her skin.

  'Why not, Katy?' he asked, his fingers smoothing her tangled hair back from her face, touching her skin with the lightness of love.

  But was it love? Or that far more inconvenient emotion, passion? Hadn't she mistaken passion for love once before, then felt the fury of the flames as it had burnt itself out?

  'Because of Julia's father?' he demanded gruffly.

  'N-no!' she stuttered, then registered who Julia's father was and amended her answer to a frantic, 'Yes!'

  'You can't love him and respond to me as you did!' Jake growled, clasping her shoulders as if he'd like to shake some sense into her. 'If you're sticking with him for Julia's sake, it's a big mistake, Katy. You, of all people, should know that. Think what happened in your life because of misguided choices.'

  Her own childhood was the last thing she wanted to consider at the moment. Jake's anger was as potent as his kisses—because it made it seem as if he cared! She shivered in the darkness as he spoke again.

  'And what is he? Some worthless scum who can't afford to keep you? He bloody well can't think much of you to let you work the hours you work—and as for letting you travel on public transport at this time of the night—!'

  'Hear, hear!' a male voice responded, and Katy spun around.

  Jake's complaints, growing louder with each grievance, had attracted the attention of passers-by so they now had a small crowd of onlookers.

  'Well, I can't take public transport tonight,' she pointed out. 'You've made me miss my bus!'

  Her voice was shaking as much as her body, and she leaned back against the wall and tried deep breaths again.

  'Drive her home, mate!' one of the strangers encouraged, and Katy, infuriated to find she'd become a bit of sidewalk entertainment, turned on Jake.

  'I'd rather walk!' she snapped, and whirled to face the spectators. 'And the show's over, so you can all go home!'

  'We're not going home!' one of the girls said. 'It's only
one o'clock. We're going to the Night Owl—why don't you come along? A few drinks—bit of dancing—sort out your problems in a civilised atmosphere.'

  Someone giggled and Katy realised their audience had already had a few drinks—enough to mellow them, to let them think they could solve the problems of the entire world.

  The anger trickled out of her as she remembered feeling that way herself, then she felt Jake's arm reach out and draw her close.

  'Not tonight,' he said gruffly. 'But I hope you all enjoy yourselves.'

  Katy swallowed, trying to banish silly tears that had welled up at this new memory of the past—and of the dark, underground club where she and Jake had danced till dawn the evening of the day they'd met. It had become 'their' place, frequented on the nights when they didn't have work commitments or early-morning schedules.

  'Come on,' he said when the group had wandered off. 'I don't have a car to run you home but I'll put you in a cab. I'll even pay for it, as I've made you miss your bus!'

  He sounded tired but his arm still held her close. As he steered her along the footpath she didn't pull away from him but relished the warmth of his body against hers—even if it was only as far as the cab rank.

  'Will you go up to the Night Owl on your own?' she asked. 'Or there's a new place near City Square called Four Bells. A lot of the hospital staff go there—I believe it's very nice.'

  'You sound like a tour guide,' he said gruffly. 'I don't need entertainment or night-clubs or social meetings with other staff, Katy. I'll put you in a cab and take the next one on the rank straight back to the hospital.'

  'That's ridiculous,' she protested. 'If we're going the same way we can share a cab.'

  She felt the movement of his muscles as he shrugged, then his arm dropped from her shoulders as they reached the first cab in the rank. He leant forward and opened the door for her, told the driver to head along Lake Shore Drive towards the hospital, then dropped into the darkness beside her. Without thinking, she reached out and took hold of his hand.

  They sat in silence as the cab left the city. Jake's fingers lay passively in hers yet she fancied she could feel the blood running through them, keeping his precious flesh alive. She brushed her thumb across his skin, warm, satiny skin, and remembered how his chest had felt—the coarseness of the hair.

  She'd splayed her fingers in it in the past, reaching out before she went to sleep as if the physical connection with Jake would keep her safe throughout the night. In the morning, she would feel him move, and wake to turn into his arms...

  'Turn here. It's the second house on the left,' she told the cab driver, shunning the memories.

  The security light above her front door flashed on as the cab registered on the sensor.

  Katy hesitated, reluctant to leave the cocoon of darkness, then, obeying instinct rather than common-sense, she leaned sideways and kissed Jake softly on the lips.

  'Goodnight!' she murmured, then she opened the door and slid out before she did anything else she was certain to regret later.

  Marie was awake, head bent over books and papers spread across Katy's dining table.

  'Busy night?' she asked, without raising her eyes from her work.

  'Not bad!' Katy told her. 'Want tea or coffee?'

  Marie shook her head, and Katy remembered her own absorption with study when she'd been Marie's age. She and Jake would begin together, but his brain worked faster than hers and he'd finish his allotted amount of work and then pace around the room, trying to tempt her away from her set task.

  She shook her head, remembering the feel of his fingers in her hair, his lips on the nape of her neck—then the shivering torment as she tried to deny the effect he had on her!

  'I'm going up to bed. Don't overdo it!' she said, as she always did. She was halfway up the steps before her words registered with Marie, who called a belated goodnight in an abstracted voice.

  Katy reached the landing and turned towards Julia's room. Her daughter lay face-down, flung across the bed as if sleep had caught her by surprise and tossed her there. Katy smoothed the golden hair and pulled a sheet over the slight body. She turned down the covers on the second bed. Marie would creep in later and sleep through half the day, relishing the quiet of Katy's home.

  Thinking about the luxury of sleeping in made Katy yawn. She tiptoed out of the room and headed for her bedroom. Julia would be shaking her awake in less than four hours—sleep-ins existed only in her dreams!

  Their Saturday morning routine involved getting several loads of washing onto the line—a task that was becoming increasingly difficult as Julia grew older and insisted on helping. That done, the two of them headed for the shops, Julia dragging the wheeled trolley on the way there, and Katy pushing it, full of groceries, on the way back.

  After lunch they walked down to the lake, where they fed the swans and played games identifying people by the way they walked, or through snippets of the conversations which reached their ears.

  It was a good game because Julia insisted Katy close her eyes. This meant she could lie on the blanket, put her hat over her face, and doze between passers-by.

  'It's the new doctor from the hospital,' Julia hissed, rolling over on the blanket so her lips were close to Katy's ear.

  'You can't know that,' Katy told her, too tired to stir.

  'I do, I do!' Julia insisted, then she moved away and Katy, reaching out and not making contact, sat up with a start.

  'Good afternoon, ladies!'

  Katy felt her spine stiffen and tiny tendrils of delight flicker in her blood.

  'It can't be!' she wailed, watching as he bent and touched her daughter on the shoulder.

  'Can't be me? This park private?'

  His eyes were wary, gazing down at her over Julia's tumbled curls. Such lovely eyes...

  She shook away the fancies. This intuitive process of Julia's was becoming too unsettling for her to be thinking of blue eyes.

  'I can't tell how she knows!' she told him, while Julia tugged on his hand, urging him to join them on the blanket.

  Which wasn't that good an idea, Katy realised, as the blanket shrank to pocket handkerchief size.

  'Other senses compensate,' Jake reminded her, taking Julia in his arms and settling her on his knee.

  'You try it! Go on! Lie down and close your eyes and listen to the footsteps of people going past. What can you tell about them?'

  'Yes, do it, Dr Cartwright,' Julia urged, standing up so she could push at his shoulders and force him backwards.

  He gave in to her insistence, making her gurgle with delight when he tumbled over, pretending he was too weak to resist her.

  His head came to rest on Katy's thigh, but when she tried to move she found her muscles wouldn't respond to her command, so he lay there, eyes closed, allowing her to study his dear, familiar face. Strong-jawed, harsh-profiled, it was a manly juxtaposition of features that was uniquely Jake—uniquely charming, and very, very sexy.

  She clenched her hands, feeling her fingernails biting into her palms as she resisted the urge to run them across his smooth, tight skin and feel the ridges of bone that shaped his looks.

  'Someone's coming,' Julia warned, tucking her body close to Jake's and taking his hand in hers.

  'It's a man,' Jake guessed. 'And he's plump and most important because he walks with short, strutting kinds of steps. I think he's wearing a red waistcoat, yellow tie, blue suit and carrying a red and yellow umbrella.'

  Julia clapped her delight.

  'Is he right, Mum, is he right?' she asked, squirming with excitement.

  'Almost right,' Katy told her, as an elderly man in grey shorts and a blue shirt ambled by. 'Except his waistcoat's blue and the umbrella is purple.'

  'Not true!' Julia declared. 'He smelled like onions, and I'm sure an onion man wouldn't carry a purple umbrella.'

  Jake sat up slowly, and Katy was fairly certain he was sniffing the air.

  'How often is she right?' he asked, his fingers stroking Julia's arm
absent-mindedly.

  'If it's someone we know—'

  'Like my babysitter, Marie, or Nan, or her family, or Helen from the hospital—' Julia interjected.

  'Almost always,' Katy finished. 'She told me you were here, but, as she's only met you once, I didn't believe it. I keep wondering if she might be... If I should...'

  Her voice trailed away a second time. She couldn't voice her concerns in front of Julia, but if she could talk to Jake about the possibility that her child was especially gifted he might be able to advise her on whether it was important to have her tested.

  'Are you working tonight?' he asked, and Julia replied for her.

  'Mum's always working!'

  Katy knew the disapproval in her voice was a bit of child-parent manipulation, but she couldn't help defending herself.

  'I don't leave till you're asleep,' she pointed out. 'It's not as if you're missing out on special time with me.'

  'But you're tired next day,' Julia continued, obviously pleased to have a new audience for her complaints.

  'Enough!' Katy told her. 'We've been through all this before.'

  'But I haven't,' Jake objected. 'I'm with Julia. I'd like to know why you have to work nights—why you're still pushing yourself so hard?'

  He sat up and turned so he was facing her, and she found it difficult to meet his eyes.

  'We're paying off the house and Mum's saving for my new computer,' Julia answered, before Katy realised her daughter was still involved in the conversation. 'Mum says she's sure a spaceship would be cheaper, but a spaceship wouldn't be nearly as much fun for me as a computer that talks.'

  Katy saw Jake's eyes darken with anger and she could read the unspoken question.

  Does her father provide nothing? he was silently demanding, but, 'Why, Katy, why?' was all he said.

  Julia decided the question was meant for her and launched into a list of the virtues of her computer. Katy turned away, looking out across the lake to where the two swans glided, their growing brood holding a straight line behind them.

  Soon the park rangers would take the young swans away. Would the parents assume their children had willingly left the nest? Taken off because it was time to go? Her own experience of family was so bizarre she found it hard to judge even the feathered variety.