2nd ENGINEER A grond vactory for democracy and decency!
CHIEF ENGINEER Now they’ve captured four more blades of gross! Vactory is assured!
2nd ENGINEER Tell them to take no prusoners. Slaughter avverybody! Slaughter the annemy’s weemen ond wee awnts! A holy vactory!
CHIEF ENGINEER The ramnents of the beaten annemy is bein’ pursued. The Red Awnts ond their allies are annihilated. There’s nothing left to be done.
2nd ENGINEER — Only moppin’ up.
CHIEF ENGINEER We have fulfilled the glorious and immortal dastiny of our race! Here, take the wee spyglass!
2nd ENGINEER Isn’t it grond to be alive at this glorious ond immortal hour. Our gallant troops have covered thamsalves with glory.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Roaring) Vactory is ours, right ond justice ond fairplay and democracy has prevailed. (Falls on his knees) Great God of the Awnts, thou hast deigned to bless the orms of thy faithful sarvants, thou hast given us victory! I appoint thee an honorary member of our gallant ormy, with the rank of colonel. (He jumps up) Twenty-first ond Twenty-sacond Ormies, forward! Quack morch, onward to the front! Take your place by the side of your gallant ond victorious comrades! Call up all resarves! Form the weemen ond wee awnts into battalions! All must fight at this glorious ond immortal hour. (Down on his knees again) Righteous ond all-powerful God of all the Awnts, thou knowest how well we desarve the vactory thou has deigned to give us! (Jumps up) Attack! Take no prisoners! Forward awerybody to the front! Set all the annemy prisoners on fire ond roast them! Tear up the wee prisoner awnts into wee bits! (Kneels) Glorious ond immortal God of the Awnts, by our vactory thou hast conferred the priceless boon of peace on the world! (Jumps up). Quack morch! Attack! We will nawer retreat, we will nawer give in, we’ll fight to the last drop of our blood for our hearths and our homes. We have won a glorious peace! The world is now a fit place for hero-awnts to live in!9
TRAMP (Bending over CHIEF ENGINEER and talking to him softly) The world? Did I hear you sayin’ THE WORLD? Sure Lord save us man this isn’t the world! Sure this here is only a lump of muck. I could kick the whole bloody issue from here to Carlow with wan root of me boot and you along with it!
CHIEF ENGINEER Who are you? Why aren’t you doin’ your duty at this glorious hour?
TRAMP Who am I? O indeed faith you needn’t bother your barney about me. I’m only … an oul’ chap … lyin’ here … havin’ an odd jar to meself here. And I fought hard enough in me own day, too. God be with the oul’ Munsters10 and every dacent man that was in them. Ah, the oul’ crowd, you can’t beat them. But YOU! What’s all this cavortin’ and rampagin’ about? How many of these poor little bastards have you slaughtered? How many of them have you killed to make yerself a big fella?
CHIEF ENGINEER (Haughtily) I’ll pay no attention to the like of you. On behalf of all the Yalla Awnts I now crown meself Emperor.
2nd ENGINEER (Looking thorough glass) Long live the Amperor!
CHIEF ENGINEER What can you see through the wee glass? Are we havin’ any more glorious vactories.
2nd ENGINEER The vactory is a wee bit delayed. The last ormies we sent out is callin’ for reinforcements.
CHIEF ENGINEER Make them hold out! Tell the generals to shoot down cowards that won’t fight! Send the weemen to the front!
AN OFFICER (Off-stage) Quack morch, quack morch!
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond the crapples ond wee awnts!
2nd ENGINEER Holy Gawd, all our glorious ormies is in full flight. The Red Imperial Awnts is after them ond after them again is the Green Awnts.
CHIEF ENGINEER To orms, to orms! Avverybody must fight! Protact the Amperor.
The confused noses of battle are heard coming closer and closer. The screams of wounded fill the air.
2nd ENGINEER Our ormies are bein’ massacreed!
CHIEF ENGINEER Protact the Amperor! The Amperor!
A SHOUT Back, Back! Stop! Stop!
ANOTHER SHOUT Run, RUN! Avvery man for himsalf! Run, RUN!
CHIEF ENGINEER (Screaming) Where is the Amperor’s personal bodyguard? Fight, ye bostards, FIGHT!
Two yellow soldier-ants rush in. Din of battle increases off-stage.
SOLDIERS We’re bein’ slaughtered! Escape!
2nd ENGINEER Go back ond fight, ye dirty cowards. Fight for your country ond your Amperor! FIGHT!
CHIEF ENGINEER (To soldiers) I commond ye as your Amperor to protact me ond be my bodyguard!
SOLDIERS Away out o’ that, ye wee bostard!
They kill him as they rush out again right.
2nd ENGINEER Holy God, we’re captured! The lights, put out the lights! It’s the only chance to escape. The lights!
Several Red ants rush in. The lights go out. There is terrific turmoil and noise.
2nd ENGINEER Fight on to the last! AH———
He groans, evidently mortally hit. A faint light in the centre of the stage indicates that it is filled with victorious Red and Allied Ants. There is great clanking of weapons and confused noise. Then a refined English voice says:
ENGLISH VOICE Phew, jolly hard going. We’ve wiped out the bastards. Deserve what they get, too, dim shaow attacking us, you knaow.
COCKNEY VOICE (In alarm) Gorblimey, the Green Awnts!
There is a rush and some Green Ants are discerned fighting madly with the Red Ants, though most of the fighting is off-stage, judging by the row. When the battle has subsided, the centre of the stage is occupied by victorious Green Ants. A voice with a thick southern brogue is heard.
SOUTHERN VOICE Do you know, we’ve slattered and destroyed the whole empire of them, yellow and red and blue and every colour. We own the whole world now and every thing in it, it takes us boy.
VOICE (In alarm) Gob phwat do I see? Phwat do I see. Green Ants with fáinnes11 on them is goin’ for our lads out there. They’re roarin’ out orders in a foreign language.
SOUTHERN VOICE Come on, lads, fight for ye’r lives!
Another vast battle is fought, mostly off-stage, but in the circle of light Green Ants reel in death-grips with other Green Ants who wear enormous gold fáinnes. Words and shouts that sound like Irish are heard above the din. When the battle subsides, the fáinne-wearers have won. The commanders gather in the circle of light. A RICH VOICE is heard.
RICH VOICE A dhaoine uaisle agus a chairde Gaedheal! A chairde agus a dhaoine go léir! Tá buaidhte fá dheireadh ag na Gaedhil. Tar éis an chogaidh seo tá an domhan go léir buaidhte aca.12
TRAMP Whaa? I beg yer pardin?
RICH VOICE Ar an ocáid stairiúil seo fógraighim mise féin im Impire ar an domhan go h-uile!13
TRAMP What’s yer man sayin’ or tryin’ to say?
PETULANT VOICE Do you not know your own language, you ignorant man? He is proclaiming our great victory. At this hour he becomes emperor of all the earth. History is at an end. Our glorious destiny is achieved after seventeen hundred years.
TRAMP He’s EMPEROR?? Of the EARTH … I see.
EGG I’m … nearly born.
RICH VOICE Ní bheidh acht an Ghaeilge amháin á labhairt ar fúd an domhain feasta.14
TRAMP has sprung up, kicked the Emperor over and grinds him to bits as the others scurry off.
TRAMP You … dirty … bloody … lousy … little bastard of an insect. Ouwathat!
CURTAIN
Notes
1 The Awnt State will feight … be reight!: In an effort to bring down Gladstone’s Liberal government, Lord Randolph Churchill (1849–95) decided to ‘play the Orange card’, that is, appeal to the widespread fear and hatred of Catholics among the Presbyterians of Northern Ireland, especially those who were members of the Orange Order, founded to resist Catholic claims. They were bitterly opposed to Gladstone’s plan to give Ireland ‘Home Rule’, which they believed would put them at the mercy of the Catholic majority. Churchill first used the slogan, ‘Ulster will fight, and Ulster will be right’, when he landed at Larne (22 February 1886) to arouse the Presbyterians and encourage them to resist Home Rule by
every means, even civil war. The phrase became popular, and was revived by Sir Edward Carson (1854–1935) against the Third Home Rule Bill (1912–14), as well as by later opponents of any merging of Northern Ireland with the Irish Republic. Those opposed to such a merging are called Unionists or Loyalists (loyal to the union of Great Britain and Northern Ireland).
2 Awnt over in Rome: the Pope.
3 Latin … taught in the schools: a conflation of the Catholic Church’s liturgical use of Latin at that time, and efforts to revive the Irish language by making it a compulsory subject in the schools of Eire.
4 glorious ond immortal mamory: a phrase from the ‘Orange’ toast ‘To the glorious, pious, and immortal memory of the great and good King William [William of Orange], who saved us from Popery, brass money, and wooden shoes.’
5 Deevil so-and-so: Eamon de Valera. Myles has reversed and so disguised certain contemporary issues, perhaps to evade — or tease — the censors. In 1943, neutral Ireland (Eire) feared invasion by either German or British forces, with the latter much more likely. The British resented the presence of German and Italian diplomats in Dublin, and wanted to use the ‘Treaty Ports’ (Cobh, Berehaven, and Lough Swilly), former British naval bases on Irish territory, turned over to the Irish in 1938. Northern Ireland, as part of the United Kingdom, participated in hostilities against Germany.
6 imperial matters: the STRANGE ANT represents various British emissaries who tried to persuade or threaten de Valera into assisting the British war effort, since Ireland was still technically part of the British Empire/Commonwealth; here, ironically, Northern Ireland is being treated as insufficiently committed to the War.
7 large drum: a lambeg drum, usually a feature of Orange marches.
8 the 50’s: men fifty or older.
9 a fit place … to live in: ‘What is our task?’ David Lloyd George (1863–1945; British Prime Minister 1916–22) asked in a speech at Wolverhampton (24 November 1918), and answered himself: ‘To make Britain a fit country for heroes to live in.’
10 the oul’ Munsters: the Royal Munster Fusiliers, a British Army regiment traditionally recruited from the Province of Munster. Disbanded along with the other ‘southern’ Irish regiments in June 1922.
11 fáinnes: gold circles worn as lapel pins by Irish speakers.
12 A dhaoine … buaidhte aca: Noble people and Irish friends! Friends and all people! The Irish have won at last. After this war they have conquered the whole world.
I wish to thank my colleague, Dr Joan Trodden Keefe, for assistance with Myles’s Irish.
13 Ar an ocáid … domhan go h-uile!: On this historic occasion I declare myself Emperor of the whole world!
14 Nií bheidh … feasta: From now on, only Irish will be spoken throughout the world.
EPILOGUE
Darkness everywhere. The TRAMP, picked out by a faint light, is lying in the foreground sleeping. He stirs uneasily and speaks in his sleep.
TRAMP Take yer hands offa me now — take yer hands off me: What? What’d you say? I beg your pardin? STOP BATIN’ THAT FELLA! Stop killin’ him! Gou-athat! Take yer sting and pump it into some-wan else! Keep yer distance or I’ll destroy yeh! D’yeh hear me?
Pause.
Then in a pathetic voice:
I don’t feel too well at all. I’m not in me right health. I wouldn’t like to pass out here in the dairk … all be meself. Give us a bit of light there, some wan …
CYRIL (Far off) Cec-eel, where are you?
CHIEF ENGINEER Avvery mon, wooman ond wee wan to the front now. Quack morch!
MR BEETLE Ay, where’s me pile gone to? D’yeh hear me? Where’s me pile? WHERE’S ME PILE?
CYRIL (Calling softly) O Cec-eeeeeeeel…
TRAMP Will yez stop blatherin’ in the dark and show a light till I see am I alive at all! I don’t want to be stung again be that bloody big bee I seen sitting in a deck chair!
DRONE Princes and noble lords, what answer shall I make to this base man? I say, thou liest, and will maintain what thou hast said is false in thy heart-blood, though being all too base to stain the temper of my knightly sword.1
TRAMP (Awed) I beg yer pardin?
DUCK (Appearing under a ghostly spotlight in the background stalking an invisible cricket.) Nearly got the blighter. Four today and one more makes five.
Lunges forward and there is a scream as the light goes out.
TRAMP You’ve killed him! (Excitedly) You’ve killed another one! Can yeh not stop killin’ and slaughterin’? CAN YEH NOT BE AISY AND LAVE OTHER PEOPLE ALONE?
EGG (Revealed by dim spotlight and seen to be moving slightly) I’ll get out of this if it’s the last thing I do, if it’s the last thing I do I’ll break this bloody shell. I’ll be here soon, make no mistake at all about that!
CYRIL (Afar off, perplexed) Do tell me, Cec-eel, where are you, old boy.
TRAMP Begob I believe I’m goin’ off me rocker.
MR BEETLE Listen here, WHERE’S THAT BALL? Where’s me capital?
TRAMP That’s that bloody beetle, I’d know the voice anywhere.
The spotlight reveals dimly a beetle sneaking in and starting to roll away the EGG.
EGG Help! HELP! Stop! Stop that!
BEETLE Shut up or I’ll ate yeh here!
EGG HELP! HELP! I want to be born! He’s going to kill me! HELP!
TRAMP (Rising on elbow) Ay! You leave that bloody poor little egg alone — d’yeh hear me?
The ‘hideous cries’ are gathering in the background and now rise in crescendo. Confusion grows.
TRAMP Leave that egg alone. My God, more slaughter, more bloody slaughter!
CHIEF ENGINEER (Invisible) The agg is port of our nawshional haritage! Defand it with your lives! Quack morch! Quack morch!
The dim light reveals that several beetles have rushed to contest the ownership of the EGG. Several ants join in and a great battle starts: screams and roars and general din.
TRAMP (Rising excitedly) DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME? Didn’t you hear me tellin’ yeh to lave that egg alone? OUT OF ME WAY! If yez harum that egg I’ll have yer bloody lives! OUT OF ME WAY!
He is seen in the gloom to plunge madly into the battle, tripping and falling down among the milling insects. Soon his own horrible cries mingle with those of the others.
TRAMP Stop that! STOP! Yez are killin’ me. YEZ ARE ATIN’ ME! Ow —!
The row dies down gradually and darkness has descended. There is silence. Birds twitter and the dawn breaks. The TRAMP is revealed in a crumpled heap with frost on his clothes. Beside the body is an ordinary broken egg-shell. Two mooning lovers stroll in, the BOY’S arm round the GIRL’S waist. They start slightly at the spectacle of the TRAMP.
GIRL O George, look!
BOY Janey, a beggar! He’s asleep!
GIRL Look at the bottle. He’s drunk. He must have been lying there all night. O George, I hate drunkards.
BOY How do you know I’m not one myself! Or that I won’t be when we’re married. How would you like me to go out every Friday and drink the week’s wages. And leave nothing to buy food for you and the kids.
GIRL (Coy whimsy stuff) O George, how do you know we are going to have kids. You’re a very bold boy.
They begin to move off and exit.
BOY Well now you know. We’re going to have four kids — two girls and two boys. Not girls and boys following each other, of course, A boy, then a girl, and so on.
GIRL O George …
Exit. A ball runs across the stage followed by two ragged small BOYS, shouting. They stop and regard the TRAMP.
1st SMALL BOY Aw look at the man.
2nd SMALL BOY He’s asleep
1st SMALL BOY Maybe he’s dead. (He runs to retrieve ball.)
2nd SMALL BOY My daddy’s dead and mammy’s goin’ to marry Mr Conlan.
1st SMALL BOY I wouldn’t mind your ould wan.
They chase the ball off the stage again. Enter KEEPER.
KEEPER Ay what’s this. What’s going on here. My God, has this bloody
fellow been here all night!
Very concerned, he kneels and examines the TRAMP. He rises, enor mously excited.
KEEPER My God, he’s dead. There’ll be a bloody row about this. (He picks up bottle and smells it.) Whiskey. There’ll be hell to pay. (He roars for a brother keeper.) Hey! Slattery! SLATTERY! Come over here! Quick!
SLATTERY, a youth, comes running in.
SLATTERY What’s up?
KEEPER This unfortunate man’s dead. Give me your coat.
He covers corpse with overcoat.
SLATTERY Dead? Was he here all night?
KEEPER He was and whoever locked him in is going to get into a row. And it wasn’t me, Slattery.
SLATTERY The poor unfortunate divil.
The lovers come back, attracted by the row; they are soon followed by the small BOYS, possibly reinforced in numbers.
KEEPER Phone for the ambulance, Slattery. STAND BACK NOW PLEASE. EVERYTHING’S ALL RIGHT.
GIRL Is he dead?
KEEPER Everything’s all right now. Stand back please.
GIRL O George!
BOY He’s better out of it the poor divil.
1st SMALL BOY The man’s dead.
GIRL O George, the poor man. The poor man.
BOY Do you see the eggshell. I suppose a little chicken was born out of it. Chicken starts out as this man finishes up …
KEEPER It’s a Duck’s egg. Now yez’ll all have to move on please. We don’t want any crowds collectin’.
2nd SMALL BOY Aw come on, come on home. I want to get me boat. Come on Paddy.
1st SMALL BOY All right come on.
They trail off to exit. Immediately a LITTLE GIRL’s voice is heard off, from the other side.
LITTLE GIRL Paddy! PAD—EE! Wait for me!
She hurries in to follow them and crosses stage, pushing an enormous pram.
KEEPER Gob, I never seen so many children.
CURTAIN
Notes
1 Richard II, 4:1:19–20, 26–9. The speaker is Aumerle, the ‘base man’ Bagot. Perhaps weary by this time, the Drone makes prose out of Shakespeare’s blank verse:
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