One side of his mouth curved in a half-smile. “Maybe.” Leaning forward, he pushed her down into the pillows with his body, kissing her gently. “What are you doin’ to me, Katie? I already want you again. I want to be inside you, feel you holding me. I can’t stop thinking about you.” A soft moan came from Katie’s throat as he pressed soft kisses on her mouth. “Those little noises you make like that go right through me. Damn, I want you.” His hazel eyes appeared dark as he leaned over her and the look in them made Katie’s heart pound. It was intense, full of emotion and demanding an answer; but his lips smothered any response she might have made.
“I have to go,” he sighed against her lips. Instead of rising, he deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue in her mouth and tangling his fingers in her hair.
Katie couldn’t stop her response; she never could. If she was driving him mad, he was returning the favor.
Abruptly, he pulled away from her embrace and stood up. “I have to go. Damn it.” He leaned over and gave her one last, lingering kiss. At the door to the room, he turned back and looked at her. “What are you doin’ to me, Katie?”
As Katie heard the front door close behind him, she whispered, “What are you doin’ to me?”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Twilight faded, and shadows crept into the corners of Katie’s flat. She watched them grow long and dark, obscuring the outlines of her possessions. Still she made no move to turn on a lamp, preferring the gloom. It matched her mood.
She’d told Jay goodbye earlier that afternoon and left him to pack for his tour of Europe with Shadowed Knight. They would leave early the next morning for almost six weeks and Katie felt like all the light from her life would leave with them. Yes, the gloom matched her mood perfectly.
There was light in the room; the soft glow from the dial of her stereo. With the encroaching darkness, it appeared bright as a lighthouse beacon. Upon her return from Jay’s house, she’d grabbed up an album at random and put it on to play, just to have some noise in the flat. Lost in thought, she hadn’t paid much attention to what music had flowed from the speakers, but when “Crimson and Clover” began, Katie stirred. That song would always be inextricably linked to Jay since it had been playing the first time she’d touched him, the first time she’d held him in her arms and swayed slowly to the music; the night she began falling in love.
She rose from her chair intending to move the needle to the next song, but paused, listening to the guitar in the bridge. It was good, but nothing compared to what Jay could do. She knew the song meant something special to him, too, since he’d often played it for her, improvising a solo that put the recorded version to shame. If she closed her eyes, she could see him leaning against the wall, his guitar held across his body like a shield, his hair cascading over his face as he played. Katie straightened abruptly, took the album off the turntable and replaced it with one picked blindly from the pile beside the stereo. Taking out her pissy mood on the equipment, she dropped the tone arm, letting it fall where it would. It landed in the middle of “Dazed and Confused” and Katie nodded. Now, that was more like it. Nothing like hearing her soul was created below to banish bothersome emotions.
Feeling somewhat better, she switched on all the lamps in the room, driving the shadows back into whatever cave they lived in until the lights should be extinguished again. That little thought was unsettling combined with the unearthly howls and moans from the stereo. Stalking back, Katie switched off the turntable and contented herself with the uneven programming from Radio One.
A thud above her head made her glance up with a wry smile. Nicky and Maureen were saying goodbye and from the sounds of things they were enjoying it very much. Katie had the feeling she’d be doing a lot of hand-holding in the next few weeks, and as badly as she felt for Maureen, was grateful she’d have something to take her mind off missing Jay. She cranked the volume to drown out the sounds from the flat upstairs and plopped down on the couch. Leaning forward, she felt around until her fingers encountered the carved wooden box she sought. She opened it, inhaling the fragrance that wafted out. The dried marijuana buds were brittle in her hands and she busied herself turning them from a desiccated mess into something that could be enjoyed. Quite a pile of smoke-able substance had accumulated on the lid of the box when there was a sharp rap on the door. Katie cast a wary glance at it and carefully slid the box back under the couch. She brushed her hands against the seat of her pants as she walked across the room. Opening the door a crack, she peered into the dim hallway.
Jay leaned against the doorjamb, his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. He didn’t move when she opened the door, but remained with his head resting against the doorpost, an unfathomable expression on his face. It was a look that was questioning, resolute and yearning, all at the same time. Katie opened the door wider and stared at him in surprise. “I didn’t expect … what are you … I mean, why are you here?”
Jay removed a hand from his pocket. He slid his fingers through Katie’s hair and cupped her head, drawing her closer. His eyes bored into hers. “I don’t like saying goodbye to you.”
Katie let out the breath she’d been holding, wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into the flat.
• • •
A sonorous voice detailing the weather forecast woke her the next morning. Still befuddled by sleep, it took Katie a few moments to remember she and Jay had never bothered to turn off the radio the night before. Staring at the purple ceiling, she lay motionless, letting the newscast help her along to full consciousness. The announcer droned on about overcast skies and a chance of afternoon showers before Katie felt sufficiently awake to sit up and take stock.
She was alone in the bed. Jay’s clothes were gone, too, and she knew he’d left during the night because he didn’t want to tell her goodbye. That was fine with Katie, because she didn’t want to tell him goodbye, either, especially with so much left unsaid. Bereft, she slid from the bed and headed for the shower.
An hour later she was at the kitchen table, watching Maureen sob into a tea towel. Just as she had suspected, her friend was devastated by Nicky’s departure and had appeared at Katie’s door needing a shoulder. Katie had given her coffee, hugs and sympathy, and patted her hand as a fresh wave of sadness brought on more tears.
“I’ll be all right,” Maureen said, waving her hand to dismiss her condition. “I just miss him.”
“I know.” Katie smiled. “He’ll miss you, too.”
Maureen nodded and wiped her eyes. “He’s asked me to marry him when he gets back.”
Katie’s mouth dropped open. “Jesus, Maur! What did you say?”
A smile trembled on Maureen’s lips. “I told him yes.”
With a whoop of delight, Katie jumped up and grabbed Maureen in a tight hug. They danced around the small kitchen in celebration until Maureen was overcome by tears again. This particular episode didn’t last too long, though, and Katie poured more coffee. “So when are y’all tying the knot?”
“The minute he gets back. We don’t wait to wait, now we both know what we want.” Maureen snatched the towel from her lap and pressed it to her face again. “I’m sorry I keep leaking,” she said, her voice muffled by the cloth. “I wish I was as strong as you.”
“I’m not strong,” Katie contradicted. “I just don’t know whether I need to cry or not.”
Maureen lowered the towel and stared at Katie through red-rimmed eyes. “You don’t mean to say you haven’t told him yet?” At the negative shake of Katie’s head, she straightened up with a jerk. “Jesus, Katie! I’m beginning to think you don’t really love him.”
Mouth open in surprise, Katie gaped at her. At length, her voice returned. “I can’t believe you said that. You know I do!”
“Do I?’ Maureen sniffed and wiped at her nose with the towel. “It’s April and you’re still stringing him along.”
“Stringing him along?” Katie repeated in astonishment. “That is not true. What was I supposed to do, spring
it on him just when he’s about to leave for five weeks?”
“Yes!” Maureen stood and Katie was surprised to see her trembling. “I have to tell you I’m tired of all this shilly-shallying on your part. If you love the bloke, then tell him. Or cut him loose. But I’ve had it with holding your hand while you dither on. It’s really taking all the joy out of my news.”
“I didn’t mean to … I don’t … It’s not … ” Katie’s scattered mind couldn’t articulate all the things she wanted to say. Finally, she locked onto something and blurted it out. “I think it’s great about you and Nicky. But you’re different than me, Maureen.”
“Oh, really.” Maureen’s lips tightened. “And what makes you so much better than me?”
Stung, Katie drew back. “I don’t think I’m better than you. It’s just that we’re different.”
Maureen shook her head. “Not that different. We both eat, breathe, fart, shit, sleep and pee. The only difference I can see is that I’ve gone after what I want, and you won’t let yourself.” She stared at Katie’s bowed head. “Something else I can see is how fucking happy Jay Carey makes you. And I can also see you botching it all up and losing him because you’re afraid. So if you’re going to think something to death, then think of that!” She sighed. “Give us a bell when you’re not so bloody introspective.” With a swish of her robe, Maureen turned and left Katie alone.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Katie stared at the window over the kitchen sink after yet another night of little to no sleep. A wavy reflection of herself stared back in silent accusation. It was her own fault she was so damned unhappy, her own fault she’d had such a fight with her best friend and her own damn fault she couldn’t sleep.
Sighing, she tightened the sash of her bathrobe before picking up her coffee cup. The rising sun peeping over the building next door hit the window, blazing into her eyes. She turned away with an exclamation, the after-image blinding her for a moment. Blinking like a coquette in a roomful of bachelors, she succeeded in banishing the negative image of the square window. With a mental note to buy kitchen curtains, she padded into the living room and curled up in the soft leather armchair, tucking her bare feet under her. The ends of her wet hair dripped onto her robe; she could feel the coolness against her back where the fabric had become damp. It felt nice; even though the sun was barely up, the flat was already stuffy, an indicator of another hot, May day. She took a sip of coffee, wondering again just how the hell she was supposed to do anything to change her situation while Jay was in fucking Europe.
Stung by Maureen’s comments, she’d locked herself in her flat and done some serious thinking. Amazing how irritating it was when someone was right, but Katie had to admit Maureen had been spot on. She was afraid to lose Jay, but by keeping quiet she was risking doing just that. He deserved to know where she stood so he could either respond in kind or end things. One way or another, things had to change.
After their spat, she’d been unable to bring herself to ring Maureen to tell her she was right, even though she knew her friend was missing Nicky. As a consequence, the past weeks had been sheer hell, the two of them passing messages about their design business through Stephanie who was getting fed up with it. Without her best friend to confide in, Katie had kept everything bottled up until it, along with her broken sleep, threatened to break her. Oh, if only Jay could come home! But his return was still two weeks away and Katie didn’t know how she was going to make it that long.
A small smile curved her lips as she remembered the night before he left. They’d been cuddled together in bed when “Ruby Tuesday” came on the radio and Jay sang it to her, almost whispering the words in her ear. It was the first time he’d ever sung to her and it had touched her soul. His singing was never going to be as good as his guitar playing, but to Katie it was the most wonderful voice she’d ever heard.
The words to the song floated through her head and one phrase made her sit up, eyes wide. With determination, she rose from the chair, marched to the phone and dialed Maureen’s number. She could hear the harsh ring of Maureen’s telephone over her head and thought for the umpteenth time that the insulation in the building wasn’t for shit. Almost nothing went on at Maureen’s that Katie didn’t know about. The ringing went on above her head and in her ear with no answer. Katie was about to hang up when a sleepy voice breathed, “Hello?”
“Damn,” said Katie, contrite. “You were still asleep. I’m sorry.” She mentally kicked herself. Of course Maureen was still asleep; it was barely daybreak. What a way to end four weeks of strained silence.
“It’s okay,” Maureen mumbled. “You never call this early. What’s wrong?”
“It can wait. Go back to sleep. I’m so fucking sorry.” Katie felt horrible about waking her friend. However, since she did have Maureen on the line … “Um, since you’re awake, though, could you tell me something?”
Maureen chuckled softly. “What is it, pet?”
Reassured by Maureen’s laugh, Katie sucked in her breath. “Where’s the band tonight? Do you know?”
“Tonight? Wait a minute.” Katie heard the sound of bedsprings creaking and papers being shuffled as Maureen searched for Shadowed Knight’s itinerary. “What is tonight?”
“The twenty-eighth.”
Maureen yawned in her ear. “They’ll be in Hamburg. Why?”
Katie frowned. “Hamburg’s what, an hour ahead of us?”
“I think so.” The sleepiness vanished from Maureen’s voice. “Why? Katie, are you going to Hamburg?”
Katie smiled. Of course she was going to Hamburg. If nothing else, she had to see Jay, no matter what she ended up saying to him.
“I’ve decided I’m not going to let my dreams slip away,” she declared, the Stones’ song still fresh in her mind. “I’m going to go catch them.”
“Sage advice from a bunch of hooligans.” Maureen snorted. “So, are you going to Hamburg or not?”
“Wanna go with me?” Katie asked her friend. “My treat.”
• • •
The plane had just reached cruising altitude when Katie turned to Maureen, heart pounding. “You wanna know the real reason I haven’t told Jay I love him yet?”
Maureen tucked the procedures folder back into the seat pocket in front of her and turned to Katie, looking expectant. “I’m listening.”
“I should have told you a long time ago, but I don’t like to talk about it.” She fingered the armrest, unable to meet her friend’s eyes. “I don’t even like to think about it. But it’s why I haven’t said anything to Jay before now. I’m afraid if he knows about it, he’ll … that he won’t want me anymore, much less love me.”
“Look at me.” Maureen’s soft hand cupped Katie’s chin and raised her head. “Nothing can be that bad.”
“It is,” Katie whispered. “It is to me, anyway.”
“Tell me,” Maureen murmured and patted Katie’s cheek.
“Two years ago when I was seventeen, right after I moved to the Haight with my boyfriend, I got pregnant.” Katie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I didn’t even know I was before I lost the baby.”
“Oh, love, I’m so sorry.” Maureen leaned over the armrest and enveloped Katie in a hug.
“I didn’t tell anyone.” Her voice was muffled against Maureen’s shoulder and it seemed easier to talk that way. “Eddie, my boyfriend … well, he didn’t stick around long after we got there and I didn’t think he’d care much one way or the other. But I didn’t know you were supposed to go see a doctor after you miscarried. Hell, I didn’t know anything; I was just a baby myself. But something was wrong. My fever spiked so high I thought I was dying. If I hadn’t gotten myself to a hospital I might have died. But anyway … they told me I’ll probably never be able to have children.” She sighed and sat up. “So there it is. The main reason I’ve not said anything to Jay. If he tells me he loves me, too, and then finds out I can’t have kids and leaves, I think I’ll go crazy.”
“Oh, Katie.
Oh, my poor, sweet girl.” Maureen pulled up the neck of her blouse and dabbed at her eyes. “You shouldn’t have carried that all by yourself for so long. You’re still just a baby.”
A startled laugh shook Katie’s shoulders. “I was nineteen in January, Maureen. And if I remember correctly, you’ve just turned twenty. Are you a baby, too?”
Maureen shrugged away the question. “Still, I wish you’d told me sooner. Damn, I feel just awful about reaming you out about Jay now. If I’d known, I never would have said any of that.”
“It’s okay,” Katie hastened to reassure her. “Everything you said was true, and I don’t blame you at all.”
“But I didn’t know why you were holding back. I just thought you were being thick-headed. But this … ” Maureen sniffed. “Look, has Jay ever said anything about wanting babies?”
Katie shook her head. “No. But he hasn’t said he doesn’t want them, either. The closest we ever came to talking about it was when he got concerned because we’d been spending an extraordinary amount of time screwing each other’s brains out and he asked me if I was using birth control.” She grimaced. “I told him I wasn’t going to get pregnant, he said ‘Fantastic,’ and that was it.”
Maureen sat back in her seat with a thoughtful frown. “Don’t tell him. Not yet, anyway,” she added, seeing Katie’s shocked face. “Look, I’d wager everything I have that he loves you. I’ve been watching him and I really think he’s just waiting to see how you feel before he says anything. And if you love each other, you can get past all this. I mean, if you want children you can adopt, right? Give him a little credit, Katie.”
“What if he wants his own children?” The little devil was back on Katie’s shoulder and she couldn’t help but listen to him.
“What if he does? Didn’t those doctors in California say you’d probably never get pregnant? Probably, Katie.”
“Maureen, I’ve been having sex for over two years with no protection.” Katie spread her hands wide. “How many kids do I have?”
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