Long Way Home

by Vaughn, Ann

  “I’m sorry, Tess...I know this hasn’t been easy for you.”

  “No. It hasn’t. These last few months have been...let’s just say I needed that time on the beach. And I hated that I hurt you when I threw you out of my hospital room. I look at you now and I hate myself even more. It makes me sick to think that I hurt you...but I needed that time, Shane.”

  “Do you think I wouldn’t have given it to you? Do you know how hard it has been for me to stay away from you? To not jump on a plane and go to you on that beach and make you see how much you mean to me? I would have done anything for you.” His voice was raw and whisper soft, driving yet another nail into her heart.

  She felt a twinge in the scar over her lower belly, a reminder of why she had really thrown him aside. Asking him to give up his chance at a child of his own was too much; it was why she’d said all those horrible things to him.

  “I didn’t want you to,” she said softly.

  He shook his head. “You do blame me. For what happened. For not being there to stop them.”

  “No, Shane, I don’t blame you.”

  “Then why did you send me away? God, Tess, I would have helped you in any way I could. I would have...”

  “I wouldn’t have let you! I couldn’t stand to have anyone touch me after all of that. I barely tolerated the doctors and nurses touching me. The only people I allowed to touch me were my mother and occasionally Gib. What they did to me was horrendous. I had to deal with the emotional scars as well as the physical ones. I couldn’t...I wasn’t in the best frame of mind in the hospital.”

  “I noticed,” he said wryly.

  “That day I threw you out...you came in right after the doctors had just delivered some pretty devastating news; news that would have an impact on you...that still would impact you, actually, so I did what I felt needed to be done.”

  He shook his head. “Just like when we were kids. You decided. You made a decision that impacted us both without even consulting me. You joined the Army but didn’t tell me until after the fact. You joined the FBI and again didn’t tell me until after. You say you love me and then throw me aside again and again. What kind of weak minded fool am I to keep coming back to you?”

  “Shane...”

  “I had finally decided to wise up and stop waiting around for you like some sick puppy dog. Wendy came along and for the first time since we were kids, I felt something for someone other than you. And I let her go two weeks ago that night I saw you in Miss Nettie’s, proving just what an idiot I really am. Tessa Kelly’s Own Private Whipping Boy, at your service,” he said with a bow.

  “Stop it, Shane.”

  “Then tell me why you sent me away. I think after all these years, I deserve at least that.”

  “Because you are the last of your line!” she snapped.

  Shane blinked at her, not expecting to hear anything like that.

  “Come again?”

  “Your father’s brothers all had girls.”

  “Yeah? So?”

  “So, you are the last male McCanton. You are the only one who can carry on the family name.”

  “What does that have to do with anything?”

  A tear slipped down her cheek. “What was done to me...was so brutal, it tore my uterus. Severely. With the scarring I already had from the IED attack, the doctors said I most likely won’t ever be able to carry a child to term. I couldn’t let you risk a chance to have a child of your own.”

  “God, Tessa. We’ve been down this road before, when I asked you to marry me in San Antonio. Do you think I care about that? You can’t guarantee that if you were to get pregnant, you would have a boy. We could have all girls just like my uncles! There are no guarantees in this life.”

  She wiped at the tears that were falling on her cheeks. “See? I told you...I wasn’t in the best frame of mind at the time...and then after I left the hospital, I just couldn’t...I thought I could let you go. I thought I could give you the future you deserved...but when Mama told me that you were dating someone...I realized I couldn’t handle it after all. Imagining you with someone else and knowing you were with someone else were two totally different things...and when I saw you with her at Miss Nettie’s a couple of weeks ago...it just hurt so much.”

  “You’ve walked away from me twice now. I barely survived this last time. I don’t know if I can chance going through that again, Tess.”

  She nodded. “I understand...I’m sorry I hit you.” She began walking away again, and this time, he didn’t stop her.

  When she reached the deck, Ivy was sitting on the rail, waiting for her. As Tessa met her gaze, the smile that had been on her face faded. Ivy hopped down and crossed over to her.

  “I take it things didn’t go well?”

  “Not so much, no,” she replied, sinking down onto a step. “He’s understandably upset with me. I don’t blame him.”

  “I know a bit about what happened,” Ivy told her, “but not all. I know that when he came home, he was shredded. You don’t get that way over someone unless you have serious feelings for them...and those type of feelings just don’t go away.”

  Tessa was quiet a moment, staring out at Shane who still stood facing the lake, hands shoved in his pockets, shoulders hunched. She wasn’t quite sure how she felt about the fact that he had confided in Ivy about what had happened between them, but glad in a way that he had someone to talk to.

  “I said some harsh things to him. I didn’t mean them, but at the time, I thought I was doing what was best for him. After things got bad, after what was done to me...I just wanted to see Shane. I knew everything would be OK if I could just see him...and when I did see him...no one should have to live up to what I put on him...but Shane has always been my rock. He’s always been the one I leaned on; he was my strength and my courage, and after what was done to me, I didn’t think it was fair to ask him to bear my burdens any more. Shane doesn’t deserve to be saddled with someone like me.”

  Ivy shook her head, a small laugh escaping her, a bitter laugh. “No offense, Tess...but how messed up is that? Don’t you think that was his decision to make?”

  “He wouldn’t have chosen to leave me. You know what kind of person Shane McCanton is. He would have been right by my side every step of the way. I know that. And because I loved him, I didn’t want him to have to do that for me. I wanted to give him the chance to have a normal life with a nice, normal woman who wasn’t as screwed up as me.”

  “That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard,” Ivy said bluntly.

  Tessa tore her gaze from Shane to look at Ivy. “Maybe so. Can’t say that my mind was in a good place at the time. Can’t say it is now, either.”

  “If you wait around for everything to be perfect, you’ll be waiting around forever. Nothing is ever perfect.”

  “I know that. I do. But Shane...he is perfect. And he deserves to have a perfect life.”

  “Nobody is perfect, Tessa. You can’t place Shane in a glass house. He’ll die.”

  With that, Ivy got up and walked off. Tessa watched her go, then turned her gaze back to Shane and was surprised to see him walking toward her, an intense, determined look on his face. She braced herself for another confrontation with him.

  “You didn’t leave,” he stated flatly, stopping a few feet from the bottom of the steps she sat on. Slowly, still holding his gaze, she shook her head. “Why not?”

  “Did you want me to?” she asked quietly, studying him for his reaction.

  “No. Yes. Hell. I don’t know. I don’t want to analyze everything to death. Why did you come back?”

  “Mama and Gib are getting married.”

  He nodded. “That the only reason?” She shrugged. “Are you leaving as soon as they are back from their honeymoon?”

  “I haven’t decided. Mama would like me to be here to stay. I’ve stepped back in at the shop. It’s been nice. I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed it. Not exactly as exciting as investigative work, but then, I think I’ve had enough excit
ement to last me a lifetime.”

  Shane started to speak but stopped when a group of people just arriving at the party walked up.

  “Hey, Tessa!” Lara Grant, one of their school friends, separated from the group to greet Tessa, embracing her. “I’d heard you were back in town. How are you?”

  Tessa fought to keep control of the immediate panic that overtook her while Lara embraced her, keeping her eyes locked on Shane.

  “I’m good, Lara, how are you?”

  “I’m good, I’m good. I can’t believe you are finally back after all these years. No one thought you’d ever step foot back in Indian Springs.”

  Tessa offered her a smile as she stepped back. “Yeah, well, after years of rambling, it’s nice to come back home. Somewhere solid, ya know?”

  “Can’t get more solid than here,” Lara said, then looked over her shoulder at Shane. “Even have the next generation McCanton in charge. The more things change the more they stay the same.”

  “Consistency and dependability are good. It’s what makes this place home,” Tessa said.

  “Very true. Well, I just wanted to drop by and say hi. Steve said the food is ready if ya’ll are ready to eat.”

  “Thanks, Lara, we’ll be along in a bit,” Shane told her.

  She smiled and left them, no doubt to go tell everyone that she and Shane were facing off with one another just like in the old days. Tessa loved Lara, but she did tend to have a bit of a big mouth.

  “To listen to you talk to her, someone would think you were here to stay, defending the town like that,” he said.

  She again shrugged. “This is home...and where you are.”

  She watched as those words rocked him back on his heels.

  “What do you want from me, Tessa?” he asked, his voice low.

  Tessa stood. “Nothing, Shane...except what you want to give. I know I hurt you and I have no right to ask, but...you’ve been in my life for as long as I can remember. This last year without you...sucked. I just want you back in my life, in whatever capacity you will allow.”

  He nodded. “Anything else?”

  She studied him a moment, trying to ascertain his thoughts from his stance. His hands were still shoved in his pockets, but his shoulders were no longer hunched as if expecting a blow.

  “Yeah...I could really, really use a hug right about now. I just...yeah, I just need to feel your arms around me. I know I’ve no right to ask and...”

  He stepped to her and folded her into his embrace. “Shut up, Tess,” he murmured against her ear.

  She stiffened for just a moment, and then it was as if a switch was flipped and she found herself melting against him, her arms wrapping around his powerful back, hands fisting in his shirt. He shifted his hold, one hand cupping the back of her head and holding her against his chest, his other arm around her waist.

  “Oh, God...Shane,” she breathed.

  “Shh,” he soothed, kissing her temple. “It’s OK. You’re safe now.”

  “I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to handle your touch,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.

  “What are we saying here, Tess? I’m back to my earlier question: what do you want from me?”

  She took a deep breath and pulled back enough to look up into his blue eyes. She wasn’t sure what he was offering or what he was feeling, but after months of being apart and realizing what a mistake that had been, she decided now was the time to lay it all out on the line.

  “All I know is that I miss you. You’ve been my best friend for so long, it hurt not to be able to talk to you these last few months.”

  He nodded and kissed her brow. “I’ve missed you, too. But I meant what I said earlier. My heart can’t handle another round with you,” she stiffened in his arms and tried to pull back, “let me finish...if you want me back in your life, then you’re going to have to come into this with the attitude that we’re in this together. You can’t get spooked and decide on your own to walk away. You start feeling that way, you talk to me. No making decisions because you think it’s for my own good.”

  “I’m so messed up, Shane. I have...so many issues...I don’t know if I can be what you need me to be, I don’t know if I can handle being intimate, or...”

  “We’ll figure it out, Tess. You cut my heart out but you didn’t give it back. It’s still yours. Always has been yours.”

  She pulled back giving him a skeptical look. “And the librarian?”

  “I thought you weren’t coming back. I tried to move on with my life. I have feelings for her. I won’t lie. If you hadn’t come back, I don’t know where things would have gone with her, if anywhere at all. Like I said, you still had my heart.”

  She had more questions but let them go for now. There were other things they needed to address now. Seeing the party begin to surge closer to where they stood, she took his hand and led him away from the deck, going again down to the shore of the lake.

  “How much do you know, about what happened to me that day?”

  He looked down at their joined hands and smoothed his other hand over the back of the one he held.

  “Just what was in the reports. You were raped. There were 6 different sperm samples recovered in the rape kit. Multiple broken bones. You’ve a plate in your cheek now. Shoulder has two pins in it, your back had several skin graft surgeries...they messed you up...bad.”

  She noted that he didn’t list the miscarriage. Did he still think she didn’t know?

  “Yes...as I said, my uterus was heavily damaged. And I lost...” her voice cracked.

  “I know,” he replied softly. “What happened that day?”

  She shook her head. “I can’t talk about it.”

  “Tess...”

  “No. I mean, I will, but I can’t talk about it now. Not here, and not...not while we’re finally talking and together again for the first time. I don’t want that ugliness here now.”

  “The trial is coming up, babe. I gotta know what happened before then. Don’t make me hear it for the first time in the court room.”

  She took a deep breath and released it slowly. “OK, but not here. We need to be somewhere private.”

  He nodded. “Let’s go.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Shane held tight to Tessa’s hand and led her past the gathering on Steve’s back deck and around to the front of the house. He knew she’d driven her mother’s vehicle there, but no way was he letting her out of his grasp now. He’d call Gib and let them come pick it up...later. For now, he led her to his truck and opened the door for her. He saw Tessa’s eyes stray over to her mother’s car, but she didn’t say anything as she climbed inside his truck. He shut her door then crossed over to the driver’s side and got in.

  “Good thing you’re the Sheriff and everyone knows not to block you in,” she said, noting that her mother’s car was nicely caged in.

  “Oh, yeah, has its advantages,” he said dryly.

  The corner of her lips rose slightly and he took that as a small victory. He felt a small knot form in his gut as he drove her the three miles around the bend of the lake to his house. It was important to bring her here; important that she like it...he’d done it all for her.

  When they approached the gate, he saw her sit up a bit straighter as recognition dawned on her as to where they were. He hit the remote and as he drove through and rounded the bend, couldn’t help but sneak a glance over at her. The gasp that escaped her when she saw his house was priceless. It told him all he needed to know.

  “Shane!” she cried softly, leaning forward as he approached the house. “Stop. Let me out now,” she demanded, not wanting to wait for him to park in the garage.

  He indulged her, letting her scramble out while he pulled into the garage. When he walked out, he found her standing right where he’d let her out, staring up at the house, visibly trembling.

  “It’s just like I pictured it!” she exclaimed. He doubted she was even aware of the tears that were spilling down her cheeks,
but he was. He looked up at the house, seeing it through her eyes.

  “Well...I had a pretty specific list,” he said, referring to the list they made up when they were kids, sitting on a blanket on the site where the house was now. “I tried to incorporate as much of it as I could.”

  “Really?” she asked, looking up at him, her eyes bright.

  For Shane, the world stopped moving in that moment. He looked down into the face of the only girl he’d ever loved and knew he was on the verge of finally, finally getting everything he’d ever wanted and wished and prayed for. He lifted his hand and brushed the backs of his fingers along her cheek, wiping her tears away.

  “It was our dream house...how could I not build it?”

  “Shane,” she gasped.

  He gently kissed her brow. “Come on...let me show it to you.”

  Tessa froze, shaking her head. Shane turned to face her and gently cupped her face in his hands.

  “What is it?”

  “I can’t believe you did this,” she whispered.

  “I guess I always hoped, in the back of my mind, that you’d be back. Come on,” he let his hands trail from her face and captured one of her hands in his to lead her up the steps to the huge wrap-around porch. There were porch swings and rockers spaced comfortably about, just as she’d envisioned. They followed the porch around to the back where she froze once again. The natural waterfalls where they’d first made love were enhanced by a swimming pool that looked more like an extension of the lake rather than a swimming pool.

  “It’s breathtaking,” she whispered to him.

  “Is it how you saw it when we talked about it?”

  “It’s better.”

  She followed him inside and again saw several of the features they’d put on their list. The kitchen was warm and inviting and had the fireplace that she’d wanted, along with the marble countertops and butcher-block island. The dining room was formal but inviting with a large rustic pine table. Everything about the house was rustic, masculine, but welcoming and warm. She loved every inch of it already.

  The master suite was the only deviation from their teenage list. It had the fireplace that was shared by the bedroom and bathroom but her teenage mind could never have conjured the decadence of a multi-head steam shower and enormous two-person Jacuzzi bathtub.