Sarah Green sat at the kitchen table, staring at the scum on the top of a cooling tea. Sometimes, she thought she had been doing that very thing every day of her life. The greasy layer split and rejoined, leaving lines which never quite went away. A bit like life. It looked all fixed, but it would never be the same again. She didn’t look up as Megan went in. ‘I’ll do the drinks later,’ she said. No endearment. Megan noticed that at once. Mike and Sarah had always been darlingers and now here she was, addressing him like a public meeting.
‘Hello, Sarah,’ she said, quietly.
Her not-really-mother-in-law-as-was jumped and splashed the cold tea on her jumper but didn’t seem to mind. ‘Megan! How lovely! Sit down, I’ll make us a fresh cup, shall I? Or would you rather have coffee?’
‘Tea is fine.’ It was a little barb in Megan’s heart that Sarah had already forgotten which she preferred when. ‘Decaff if you have it. It doesn’t matter if not.’
Sarah faffed and fussed making the tea and polite conversation. There wasn’t really that much to tell. She told Megan about the petunias but not the pornography, about Chris staying and what fun it had been, but not his leaving. The whole monologue was just a series of snippets, with all the contentious bits left out. Finally, with a fresh mug in front of each woman, it was Megan’s turn.
‘I need to find Chris,’ she said. ‘Claire wondered if you might know where he is.’
Sarah looked at her with big eyes, not really following. ‘Do you mean, you want him to go home?’ The hope in her voice made Megan stifle a sob.
‘No. I’m sorry, Sarah. I … I’ve met someone.’
‘That was quick.’ Sarah Green in snap mode could beat Megan’s own mother into a cocked hat.
‘It was. But sometimes things are.’ Megan gave her a long stare. ‘Aren’t they?’ She had hardly let her husband get cold, as Megan had understood it, before she was shacked up with the vicar.
Sarah reached out a hand and spoke in level tones. ‘Don’t jump too fast, Megan. It doesn’t work.’ She waited for her words to sink in. ‘Believe me.’ Then she straightened and smiled her vicar’s wife smile. ‘But I’m sure you know what you’re doing.’
‘I think I do. I hope I do. But the main thing is, there is a way around this problem, a way where Chris can move into the house, share Kyle’s care with me. We won't be a happy family like we were. But Kyle will have his daddy back and Chris won't be dependent on sofa surfing. It’s time he was told. And apparently … do you know about the woman?’
Sarah bowed her head. ‘Apparently, she has admitted it was all lies. He is expecting her to come and tell me but I’m not holding my breath. Claire let me know. She persuaded me to come out tonight.’
‘Claire can be very kind,’ her mother said, in tones that implied that also, she could be just the opposite.
‘I think she was right. I will rest easier when he knows what’s on offer.’
‘It’s a shame that you can't …’
Megan shook her head. That one had to be knocked on the head. ‘It wasn’t only the so-called affair,’ she said. ‘I was struggling before that. Chris was … well, he was just wearing me out. Him and Kyle. Like two peas in a pod but relentless. I didn’t sign up for two children.’
‘The dog?’
‘The dog, and the moods and the … the everything, Sarah. I can't do it any more.’
‘And now you’ve found someone perfect,’ Sarah said. ‘Someone with money, if you can let Chris have the house.’ A son’s mother is always like a tigress, when cornered.
‘Yes, he has money. He isn’t perfect. But he seems to like me … more, perhaps, at least I hope so. He offers me comfort, Sarah. I need that for a while.’
‘As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons,’ Sarah said, with a faraway look on her face. ‘I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me.’ She giggled. ‘Song of Solomon,’ she said. ‘You have to read something in the sermons.’
Megan smiled but she also nodded. ‘That Solomon knew a thing or two,’ she said.
‘He did, he did indeed.’ The two women stared into their half-empty cups, heads full of thoughts they couldn’t share.
‘I don’t know where Chris is, though,’ Sarah said suddenly. ‘Have you asked Mark?’
‘Yes. He suggested I come here. Claire gave him money but didn’t actually book him in anywhere. So I don’t know where to begin …’
‘He won't have gone far out, not without a car. I think you could do worse than have a stroll up the High Street. Chris … well, drink has become a bit of a prop.’
‘I gathered that,’ Megan said and drained her cup. ‘Thanks for the chat, Sarah. I’ll give you a call, arrange something with Kyle.’
‘When you and Chris have everything settled.’ Sarah smiled. Saying it could sometimes make it so.
‘Yes. Then.’ They bumped cheeks awkwardly and Megan let herself out, leaving Sarah watching the film on her tea break apart and reform, break apart and reform, endlessly different, always the same.
The morning had been such fun. The hotel was booked for a week and so there was no need to even get up, let alone get out. They had hung the do not disturb notice on the door and the chambermaid was more than happy to drop a room off her usually punishing schedule. They snoozed the morning away, breakfasting on digestive biscuits and instant coffee from the tray on the dressing table. But eventually, Cassie II had stirred and stretched and said that time was a-wasting and she had to be away.
Chris leaned up on one elbow. ‘Away? Where?’
‘Hey,’ she said, turning round from lacing her trainer. ‘I didn’t marry you last night, you know. I just …’
‘I know what you did,’ he grinned, ‘and there was no “just” about it. But I thought …’
‘Look,’ she bounced up and down at the foot of the bed, eager to be off. ‘I want to see you again, I really do. I like you. You’ve got … layers. I like peeling you. But I have to see a man about a dog. I have some business to conduct. I need to … I need to be out and about in the world. I’m like the devil, Pilgrim. I need to know what’s going on.’
‘Pilgrim?’
‘Pilgrim. Christian. Pilgrim’s Progress.’
‘Chris is short for Christopher.’
‘Not to me. Think yourself lucky I don’t call you Bunyan.’ She came round the side of the bed and kissed his nose. ‘I’ll see you tonight, shall I? But my place. Just go to the park before it gets dark. In that big bit of shrubbery in the middle, there’s a tarpaulin, stretched between the trees. The back corner, right hand as you look at it with your back to the lake, that’s mine. I’ll see you there.’
‘When?’
‘Ah, ah, ah. Now, what did I tell you? I just will. Okay?’
‘Okay.’
And she was gone.
The afternoon had dragged but finally it was late enough to go to the park without looking incredibly needy. He knew he just couldn’t afford to be needy. To look needy that was; he would always be needy. He sussed out the shrubbery but there was no one there, just the tarpaulin as she had said. He would have recognized her corner anyway, from the beads, the fragments of feather, the lightness of touch. He kept going back, just to check and settled down against a tree as darkness began to fall, just to keep watch. It wasn’t long before his eyelids drooped and he fell asleep, a smile on his lips for the first time in a long while.
The car was warm – he didn’t remember getting in, but he was glad he had. The seat was big and squooshy, the seat belt wide and firm across his chest. He could just see the tops of trees and the upstairs windows of houses going by, then just sky. Over the sound of the engine, a bird was singing. He looked at the back of the driver’s head and gave a puzzled frown. Why was the c
ar so big? Why was he in the back?
‘Where am I?’ he asked. His voice was as small as he was, small and insignificant in a world suddenly built for giants. The head in front of him turned and his heart lurched to see a face he thought was gone for ever. ‘Dad?’ he said. ‘Daddy?’
The man smiled and looked back at the road. ‘So, you’re awake. I thought you were taking a nap. We’re out for a drive, remember? Going for a walk in the country, while Mummy and Claire do some shopping.’
Chris relaxed back into the enormous seat. Yes, he remembered now. A walk in the country. An ice cream from the van. The tarmac thrummed under the wheels and his father began to sing, under his breath, until his little boy fell asleep again.
In the silence, a black dog crept out from under the tarpaulin and lay alongside him, sharing body warmth and the same soft snore.
Cassie I and Cassie II were both out and about on errands of their own that night and they didn’t know how near they were to one another. Cassie II was not a bad person, but had a living to earn, so she had a few customers who liked a bit of rather high-class weed especially when matched with some moderately high-class ass. She conducted her business with her customary discretion and had done well out of her afternoon so treated herself to a drink in the Bell. They had some pretty good live music there sometimes and she thought she would check it out. If it was anyone any good, she’d go and scoop up Pilgrim and bring him back. Cheer him up. But it was a folk duo tonight, one guy droning into the mic with one hand over his ear and the other playing the fiddle. Sadly, they hadn’t agreed the set list, so things weren’t going well. She downed her gin and turned to go, bumping into a middle aged woman with a sweet smile, who was coming in with a man who had to be her husband. They were cut from the same cloth, those two, Cassie II thought. How nice. And Cassie I, seeing the pretty girl jinking off on the balls of her feet, smiled even wider.
‘Now, that’s the kind of girl young Chris could have done with,’ she said to her husband. ‘Someone to let him be who he wants to be, not try and make him someone he’s not.’
Her husband kissed her hand, clasped in his own. ‘My love,’ he said, ‘Don’t ever change.’
‘I’m not sure I can,’ she said, sliding into a corner seat by the window. ‘Even if you wanted me to. Especially if you wanted me to. I think tonight, I’ll have a gin.’
‘And tonic?’
‘Yes, and tonic. I need a few bubbles tonight, somehow.’ She turned and watched the night street, the procession of the harried, the hurried, the strolling, the stalling, the lost souls. She sighed.
Megan didn’t really know what she was doing there. Walking up and down the street wasn’t going to do her any good, not when it came down to it. She did a couple of circuits and couldn’t find Chris and she was damned if she was going to go up to strange barmen and ask. She did have a photo of him in her purse, as it just so happened but still – this wasn’t CSI. She decided to walk around to Sam’s. She could phone but she needed somewhere warm about now and anyway, after dipping her calls for days, perhaps the face to face, the chilled friend on the doormat might work better. It would certainly be harder to ignore. And she might even then get a lift home. She started off, skirting the park.
Chris woke up finally, chilly and stiff. He had been lying awkwardly, on the cold ground and it hadn’t done his joints much good. He tried to move his left leg and found it pinned down; a scary thing to happen in a dark strange place. He looked down, almost afraid to look, but he needn’t have worried. It was just a dog, its head pillowed on its paws which in turn were across his ankles. He gave it a gentle nudge and it growled before lifting its head and looking at him with dark, unfathomable eyes. He stumbled to his feet and stamped, trying to bring some life into them. He looked around. There was a dim light under the tarpaulin and he made his way there across the damp grass. Several men were grouped in one corner, opposite to Cassie’s little nest. They turned to stare, stopping their conversation as he walked over to where she had told him to go and pulled back the cover to her bed.
What happened next was over in a winking of an eye. The boy sleeping in the bed was awake almost before Chris bent down to take up a corner of the bedding. His knife was in his hand even faster. And it slid between Chris’s ribs as if it belonged there, nicking the artery that carried his blood to where it needed to go. There were no words, just a gasp from Chris as his last breath left his body. The boy sprang back and was gone into the darkness before anyone could stop him, had they cared to. Chris hadn’t quite hit the ground when Cassie’s flying feet had brought her to his side.
Megan, walking fast as women do when out alone after dark, stifled a cry as a black dog streaked out of the park as if hounds of hell were after him. In the silence that followed, she heard a wail, a howl of visceral sorrow from over by the trees, one dark mass against the soda-orange sky.
‘Pilgrim!’
But it meant nothing to Megan, so she walked on.
Author’s Note
*
While writing Downward I had, like Chris, tunes playing in my head from time to time. Some are chapter titles, some simply referenced but if you would like to share my playlist, some links appear below. Please note that these links were live at the time of publication and availability at later dates is not guaranteed.
Bethan White, 2016
Live – Lightning Crashes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsJ4O-nSveg
Hootie & The Blowfish – Let Her Cry https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aVHLL5egRY
Tears For Fears – Mad World
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1ZvPSpLxCg
Simon and Garfunkel – Sound of Silence https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zLfCnGVeL4
Bill Withers – Ain’t No Sunshine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuKfiH0Scao
Phil Collins – In the Air Tonight https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkADj0TPrJA
Justin Hayward – Forever Autumn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsCdlX-5UjE
Radiohead – How To Disappear Completely https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAF8D0ugyVk
Bob Dylan – Ain’t No Man Righteous https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlnzQbs3Tuo
Seldom Scene – Through the Bottom of the Glass https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-sD4PahUME
Crawler – Stone Cold Sober
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=stone+cold+sober+crawler&view=detail&mid=AD12466C3E9F78820893AD12466C3E9F78820893&FORM=VIRE
Joni Mitchell – Chelsea Morning https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_y7O06z77Q
The Mamas and the Papas – Monday, Monday https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h81Ojd3d2rY
Foreigner – I Want to Know What Love Is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raNGeq3_DtM
Tom Waits – God’s Away on Business https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9mhsW5aWJM
Michael McDonald – I Can Let Go Now https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xirq2kdcZkc
Ben Howard – The End of the Affair https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Unz9gWteR1s
Leonard Cohen – Who by Fire
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQTRX23EMNk
Journey – Don’t Stop Believing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k8craCGpgs
Pigeon Street Theme
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lav92tfPNBg
Radiohead – Exit Music (For a Film) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RByvzmmEFiQ
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