Molly McCloskey
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WHEN LIGHT IS LIKE WATER
Contents
When Light is Like Water
Acknowledgements
Follow Penguin
‘When the dream draws to an end … nostalgia for the impossible will overcome you.’
Jean Thuillier
How do people do it, I used to wonder. Well, I learned. That sort of secret feels like an illness, the way the world slows to a crawl as though for your inspection. So much clarity and consequence – it was like enlightenment, it was like being in the truth, which is a funny thing to say about deceit.
One afternoon at the close of that sweltering summer, when Cauley and I were still in our trance, I found myself travelling west with him by train. I say I found myself not to suggest some condition of passivity – I was the one who’d insisted we make the journey – but because when I look back, I have the sense that I’d come suddenly to consciousness right there, on that bockety old orange-and-black train, as it made its clamorous way across the countryside. We were standing between carriages, jostled by the train’s motion. A wheaten light streamed through the open window, fresh air was flooding in, too. The day’s heat was fading to a sweet residue. We braced ourselves against the wall, drinking bottles of cold beer and sharing a Silk Cut. Those were the days when no one minded if the air was fouled with smoke, the days when you could slide down the window in the door and hang your head out, happy as a dog.
I pressed my lips to Cauley’s neck, which was cool and sticky. Cauley was fair, and in the heat his skin got clammy as a baby’s. Together we watched the country slide past in frames. The fields, green and empty, or full of sheep who didn’t stir when we whooshed by. Then patches of weedy, cracked tarmac surrounded by chain-link fences. Then the back gardens of houses, with their propped bikes and their coal bunkers and the flotsam of family life. And then all was green again, and there were cows where sheep had been, and a breaker’s yard, and a bungalow sitting proud on a hill. We leaned out the window and the wind whipped over our faces, and I felt as alive and unencumbered as if we’d hopped a boxcar.
I was married at the time, but not to Cauley.
I found our old house, Eddie’s and mine, on the internet not long ago. It’s for sale. I track him, on occasion, through the vast electronic undergrowth, imagining who we’d be now if things had gone another way. The first time, I’d only meant to look around the neighbourhood, to get a glimpse of the façade. I wanted to see the mountain, and the view of the Atlantic, the fuchsia that grew at the corner of the drive. But what came up when I searched were the property websites, and there was the house, listed by its name. I’d forgotten it even had a name.
I am doing it again, sitting in the third-floor bedroom of my temporary home in Dublin, clicking from picture to picture, a thin sense of omnipotence upon me. There are things I recognize. A standing lamp, a pair of leather armchairs, the dining table we chose together. Furniture surprises me with its betrayals, its easy migration between lives. What I didn’t notice until today is something my mother gave us, the last time she visited. It’s hanging on the wall in the spare bedroom, a print she bought in town and had framed – abstract and muted and thus somewhat out of character for her, which was why I had liked it: I couldn’t figure out what had drawn her to it. Did I forget to bring it with me when I left? Or did it just seem petty to start taking things off the walls? My mother is dead now, she died eight weeks ago, and I cannot decide how I feel about the fact that some part of her has remained in that house without me.
Also on the wall, taped up in the kitchen, are drawings made by a child, or children. In the living room, a few framed photos that refuse to sharpen into focus. Otherwise, the interiors are oddly impersonal. Eddie remarried several years ago, but the master bedroom has been stripped of anything that might indicate the kind of couple who’ve been occupying it. It looks unlived in, like a bedroom in a B&B.
Eddie and I bought the house from a woman who suffered from anorexia. The estate agent said she was selling because she was too sick to look after it herself and was going to Dublin, where she had family. She wasn’t there on either of the occasions we viewed it, though there was one photo of her on the kitchen windowsill, standing with someone who might have been a brother. Her skin was a strange nut-brown. She wore big, round glasses that made her face look small and childlike, and her neck was like a stick. Eddie said under his breath, ‘God love her,’ and I slipped my arm around his waist as though to earth us.
The second time we visited, we stood side by side, peering through the big kitchen window which faced the long, western flank of the table mountain that dominated the landscape behind the house. In profile, the mountain looked like a wave frozen at the point of breaking. We were very close to it, on the highest road running parallel, and the large back garden sloped perceptibly upwards. The garden had been let go completely, the growth so thick in places it had thatched itself into a weave. We imagined reclaiming it. We saw a wooden deck, breakfasts al fresco, late nights looking at the stars.
‘Shall we do it?’ Eddie whispered, and I nodded, rather gravely as I recall. I thought it was what we needed. I thought it would lend our marriage some weight it seemed to lack. We made an offer that afternoon.
After we moved in, I used to go out back on certain summer mornings and hack away at the garden with rudimentary tools. What was wrong with us? We needed a plan, a proper digger and a professional, and there was I with a pair of shears and a rusty shovel and a hangover.
I came to this country at the tail end of the 1980s, when I was twenty-four. I packed up my belongings and stored them in the house my mother shared with her husband in the suburbs of Portland, Oregon, promising I’d be back for them, and intending to be. She saw me off at the airport, both excited and apprehensive. I was her only child, she had raised me on her own, and I sometimes felt her holding my existence in a kind of awe, as though I were newly born. She was also cautious with money, and considered my adventure a little feckless. I was leaving two jobs, one of which she’d been sure was going to lead somewhere. Mornings, I worked at a non-profit that advocated for the homeless and ran a men’s shelter, checking people in and out, doing admin or bits of research, sometimes doing not much at all, just hanging around with homeless men in a way that was meant to convey that we – people with homes and people without homes – were all in this together. Nights, I worked in the sports department of a daily newspaper, writing brief summaries of minor games and the very occasional feature. Both jobs tended to muddy the already indistinct view I had of myself. When I was at work in the morning, I imagined I could see a better me on the horizon, someone impassioned and unselfconscious, preoccupied with justice; but at night, surrounded by the buzz of the newsroom, I saw my byline repeating into infinity, growing as big as a billboard, as my fame spread beyond that peripheral city. In other words, I didn’t know who I was, or what I really valued, and I began to think that I should take myself away for a spell to find out. I should go to Europe. I had a savings account, into which, each week, I deposited some tiny sum. Eventually, I realized that at the rate I was saving it would be years before I had enough to fund a European tour, and that perhaps I needed to trim my ambitions. And so I went to Ireland.
I flew into London because that way was cheapest, and immediately upon landing boarded the train west for Holyhead and the ferry. I disembarked in Dún Laoghaire on an unremarkable April day, into a hard, white light that surprised me. The breeze was almost balmy, and what looked to me like palm trees along the harbour road added to the illusion that I had arrived somewhere other than an island in the North Atlantic.
I headed north and west, and for two w
eeks drifted around Donegal, standing on grassy verges, hitching lifts in the drizzle. It was mostly lorry drivers who stopped for me, and I would hoist myself gamely into the passenger seat. From the windows I could see over the hedgerows into the fields. Low walls wormed this way and that, sectioning the land into parcels. The skies were a sudsy grey, or nicotine yellow, or they were charcoal and ready to burst. The drivers all asked the same three questions, and all of them had cousins in New York. They were like no men I had ever met, both knowing and a little slow, faintly lecherous and yet disarmingly innocent. They seemed as awed by me as I was by them, and cast furtive, sidelong glances in my direction, as though I might combust at any moment.
One night, in the fishing village of Killybegs, in a pub down by the harbour, I met a middle-aged couple named Bill and Lil. They were from somewhere outside Derry and for reasons unclear to me kept an apartment in Killybegs. (Was he a fishing magnate? Was it a love nest? Their double act seemed a bit too zesty to pass for marriage.) Overweight and florid-faced, their exuberance tinged with despair, Bill and Lil swept me into their orbit with a desperate generosity. They drank buckets of Black Tower and I drank it with them, over a dinner they treated me to of grilled plaice. At some point I heard myself say – in a manner I’d have thought too unconvincing to elicit any reaction at all, let alone the one it got – that I might go to Galway and look for a summer job. Upon hearing this, Bill heaved himself up from his chair and, with one hand in the air, as though to deliver an oration that would be quoted down the ages, said, ‘I know a fella in Galway owns a pub.’
When I didn’t protest – there seemed no point; we had entered that state of drunkenness in which life becomes a thought experiment, and we were merely teasing out a scenario that began with my working in a pub in Galway – Bill lumbered off in the direction of the bar, to use the phone.
When he rejoined us he said that he hadn’t got hold of this friend. But he’d phoned another friend. One who had a pub in Sligo.
‘Sligo?’ I said. I hadn’t even planned to stop there.
‘Who?’ Lil asked.
Bill lowered his girth back into the chair. ‘Dom Conway. You know Dom.’
‘Oh, aye.’ Lil looked at me, and her head gave a little wobble of pride. ‘Bill knows lads everywhere.’
‘You’re to call in to him tomorrow.’
‘Tomorrow?’
Lil asked if I’d ever done bar work. I looked around. The woman behind the bar was chatting to a guy whose little finger was a stump at the knuckle. She was holding a tap in one hand and a pint glass in the other. The lager ran down the inside of the glass until she knew without looking that the glass was full. She let go of the tap and it slapped back into place, then she flicked a beer mat down like she was dealing a card and placed the pint atop it. There were other people sitting at the bar, all of them men, all with hands like paws. The barwoman chatted to them as one, leaning back against the countertop behind her, her arms crossed. When someone shook a smoke from his pack and offered it to her, she took it and lit it, then left it to smoulder in one of those old glass ashtrays you could brain a burglar with. There were small tables around the lounge area, and maroon-upholstered benches along the wall where the courting couples sat, primly dressed, looking shy and virginal. At intervals, the young men would approach the bar and get a pint for themselves and something mixed for their companions. Everyone regarded everyone else with a strange blend of intimacy and disregard.
‘I’ve done a little,’ I lied.
We stayed well past closing time, and although we had long since run out of things to say and kept falling back on talk of my new job and what a brilliant spot Sligo was, I was carried on the wave of their enthusiasm. We raised our glasses a dozen times in triumph. At some point, Lil got out a camera and we took Polaroids of each other. We arranged the prints on our small round table and cooed and clucked as they developed, as though we were viewing a basket of kittens. Then Lil, suddenly serious, gathered up the photos and turned to me, with that dumb and startled look that is the mark of someone drunk and burdened with an emotion that eludes expression, and pressed them into my hand, like ducats for the road, or amulets for my protection.
I checked into a youth hostel in Sligo town that faced on to the river. The proprietor at the time was an openly gay black Frenchman, and this gave me a completely skewed idea of what I should expect from the town. The front room had a large plate-glass window, and in a parallelogram of sunlight that lay across the manky carpet a pair of beautiful Danes played chequers every day, rearranging their long limbs at intervals. When they weren’t playing chequers, or out hillwalking, or cooking brown rice, they did nothing, in a way that seemed to me distinctly European. There was one other long-term resident – a willowy young Irish woman named Jane who was a student at the local technical college. Jane talked about ‘the environment’ and alluded to political corruption as though it were a thing we had discussed at length and were in agreement on. She was canny and sceptical in a way I wasn’t used to, and she intimidated me. Every day at five o’clock she tuned the transistor in the kitchen to RTÉ1 for the news on Tiananmen Square. This was often around the time I had to go work – I had five shifts at Conway’s – and in my white blouse and black skirt I would head out past Jane and the Danes, feeling foolish and American.
I had imagined Conway’s as the kind of sleepy, familial scene I had witnessed in the pubs in Donegal, but it was frequented by a different kind of crowd – bank clerks, nurses, solicitors and civil servants – and most nights they were three deep at the bar. One weekday evening when it was quiet, I was told I could clock out early. As I headed to the door, two guys I had never seen in the pub before invited me to go elsewhere with them for a drink.
‘We’ll take you somewhere interesting, somewhere you’ll enjoy,’ they said, as though they knew exactly what would interest and amuse me, which was not a million miles from the truth. To be a young American woman in a small Irish town in the years when foreigners were still scarce was to enjoy the status of a minor celebrity, and I was growing used to the fact that many people of whose existence I was completely ignorant knew where I worked, slept and ate my lunch.
Their names were Frank and Martin, and they took me to a pub on Bridge Street where the stuffing erupted through vinyl benches and the air stank of patchouli. It was smoky and dark, and the women wore harem pants. We met two friends of Frank and Martin’s there. They had all been in a band together, had almost made it big in some hazy past and were, I gathered, ever on the brink of making a comeback. Frank was the drummer, and he had tight curls and a driven intensity that had no obvious outlet. The others were different: pensive and enigmatic. They had lank, rained-on-looking hair and an air of aggrieved entitlement, like people who’d been done out of an inheritance. At closing time, Frank said we were all going out to the beach at Lissadell, and I squeezed into the back of someone’s clapped-out Micra and we sped through the dark without seat belts. At Lissadell we sprawled on the sand, and Martin lit a thick, crooked joint that tasted mostly like a cigarette. We passed it among us, and as I stared up at the velvet sky, the heavens seemed to pull up and away, as though they might lift us right off the earth with them.
I met the band guys regularly after that, and soon I was venturing into the edgier pubs on my own. One night in the pub on Bridge Street I met a Canadian woman, about my age, named Camille. She was a stranger in town, too, but far less self-conscious than I was. She was here because she’d met an Irish woman the previous spring in Toronto, and they had fallen madly in love. Camille had followed the woman back here, and they had set up house in a damp cottage a few miles from town. But the woman had, almost immediately upon their arrival, broken it off, and here was Camille, rolling with the novelty of it all and planning her next move. She was stunningly beautiful. She had a pixie haircut, bleached blonde, and was slim as a schoolboy. She wore white V-neck T-shirts and tight jeans and combat boots. When I met her she told me she was planting a garde
n using the only implements at her disposal – a spoon and a fork. She didn’t drink much, but she loved a party and would sit squashed skinnily in our booth, as though she’d been born to this.
When a group of us was out for an evening, there was always a moment when the night either petered out in good sense and an air of anticlimax or assumed a sudden momentum, as though time were running out on something, and it would begin again, that urgent merrymaking with no apparent cause. What Ireland at the end of the eighties often resembled was a place celebrating, insistently, its own collapse, and there was a certain dignity in that, a triumph even.
At closing time, we’d all stumble over to Martin’s bedsit, where we smoked sprinklings of hash mixed with tobacco. It burned my throat and left me with a dim, headachey high and a passing sadness for my new friends: this way of getting stoned, so parsimonious and approximate, seemed emblematic of the way they made do. I knew that one day a week they all went to the dole office. I imagined it as one might a methadone clinic or a needle exchange, and I hoped for all of our sakes that I would never see them coming or going from there.
I met Eddie in the midst of those weeks, trailing a hangover that was beginning to feel cumulative. Normally, after a heavy night, I would lie late in my bunk, then trudge about the drab town, past the window displays of cheap shoes and flouncy dresses, past the butchers’ shops with their hanging carcasses that sent a smell like sour milk on to the street. I would eat my lunch in one of the teahouses, a toasted cheese or puréed vegetable soup, dutifully reading my paperback Yeats or attempting to work though the thicket of cross-referencing and assumed knowledge that was the Irish Times. But the day I met Eddie dawned so fine I roused myself at a reasonable hour and borrowed Jane’s bike and pedalled out the sea road to Rosses Point. The gorse was scrambling up the hillsides and the skies were freshly blue. The world gleamed in a wash of wet yellow light. When I got back to the hostel the Danes invited me to join them for an early supper. They made a salad of cucumbers and butterhead lettuce and those tomatoes that tasted of nothing at all, like something astronauts might eat. They’d cooked a fresh fish whole, which the three of us flayed messily and devoured, sitting on the grass in front of the hostel, looking out across the bay to the Atlantic.
When Light Is Like Water Page 1