by Rebecca Shea
“Were you joking?” I ask him quietly, maintaining eye contact. Studying his face, I want to run my fingers over the ridge of his jaw line, the straight line of his perfect nose, and his soft lips. As I wait for him to answer, he sighs, then releases my arm.
My eyes fall to his hand that has dropped to the center console between us. Looking back up to him, I’m caught off guard by the quick movement of his hand when I feel it rest upon my cheek. Using his thumb, he traces my bottom lip back and forth, causing my breath to hitch lightly at his gentle touch.
“Let’s go,” he whispers, his hand falling from my face, leaving my question still unanswered.
We’re seated in the very back corner of the restaurant in a booth where no one else is near us. Since it’s evening, the restaurant has turned down the lights, and most of the light is radiating from the small candles situated on each of the tables. The atmosphere is romantic, and I can’t help but notice how handsome Gabe looks right now.
Our server immediately greets us, and immediately sets her sights on Gabe, most women do.
“What can I get you drink?” she asks with a devious smile, never looking in my direction or acknowledging my presence.
“Diet Coke,” I answer abruptly. She glances at me blinking her eyes in annoyance that I answered her first. She turns her attention back to Gabe.
“Iced Tea.” He answers her without ever looking at her, or even noticing that she’s ogling over him. She leaves quickly, but not before casting one last snarky look at me over her shoulder.
“What are you going to order?” Gabe asks still paging through the menu.
“Just Spaghetti, I’m simple like that.” I say, setting my menu at the end of the table. An abrupt laugh comes from Gabe, catching me off-guard.
“You’re hardly simple.” He says, looking over his menu at me with both of his eyebrows raised.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just that, simple isn’t a word I would use to describe you.” He says sincerely. I blush at his remark.
“How would you describe me?”
“There’s no one word to describe you Jess.”
“Give it a shot.”
Give me some time to think of a word, ask me again later, he smiles at me. His full lips stretch with his large smile. His teeth are perfectly straight and bright white against the bronzed skin of his face. I nod at him, just sitting with him, looking at him, and speaking to him has left me speechless.
“What are you going to get?” I ask curiously, turning the conversation away from me.
“Not sure yet.”
Our bitchy server is back with our drinks, a breadbasket, and her shitty attitude. We place our orders, Gabe finally deciding on chicken marsala. Our server never stops smiling at Gabe, giving him flirty eyes, and leaning into him with her hip against our table. I kick him lightly under the table to get his attention and flash him a tight smile.
“That’ll be all,” he says, sending our waitress on her way.
“What?” he asks looking confused. It amazes me that he doesn’t notice the way women outwardly flirt with him.
“You know, I’m sure she’ll just give you her phone number if you just ask,” I say sarcastically. “Hell, she’ll probably drop to her knees right here if you just asked her.” A deep laugh erupts from him and he tossed his head back with laughter.
“Do you think she’s the type of girl I should date?” he asks me, leaning in across the table, his arms folded in front of him.
“I don’t know what your type is, Gabe.” I shoot back at him, narrowing my eyes.
“I think you do.”
“Well why don’t you save us both some time and energy, and just tell me,” I demand, leaning in toward him. I hate that this table is a barrier between us.
Turning his head to the side, I can see him contemplating his response. “You want to know what my type is? I’ll tell you,” he whispers. “My type is…” He pauses for a moment before continuing. “I’ll tell you after dinner,” he leans back trying to contain his smile.
“Are you kidding me?” I roll my eyes at him. “That’s two things you have to get back to me on.”
He erupts in laughter again. “I love getting you all worked up,” he says, reaching across the table and placing his hand on top of mine. My eyes drop to our hands, and I look back up to him. I feel a wave of warmth run through me at his touch. Running his thumb over the top of my hand he looks from our hands up to me. His smile fades and a more serious look sets across his face.
“I wanted to apologize again Jess, I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you tonight at Xavier’s.”
Letting out a deep breath I want to be angry with him, but I can’t. Before I have the opportunity to respond, he continues, “It’s just that, I don’t know what I would have done if something had happened to you.”
“Thank you for apologizing, again, but nothing would have happened.”
“You don’t know that,” he says sharply.
“No, I guess I don’t. But thank you for coming to get me.” I offer him a small smile.
The waitress appears with our food, and I can’t help but flash her a dirty look when she notices Gabe’s hand stretched across the table on top of mine. I’m not really hungry, but I take a few bites of the spaghetti I ordered, trying not to make a mess of myself. I notice Gabe’s demeanor has become a little more serious, and he seems distracted as if something is on his mind.
“Everything ok?” I ask, taking a small bit of the spaghetti that I’ve twirled around my fork. Looking up at me, he studies my face, and I can tell he wants to say something.
“You know you can talk to me,” I urge setting down my fork.
He nods at me then looks down at his plate of chicken marsala. Pushing the chicken and pasta around, he takes a deep breath, “I’m not going back to Arizona in the fall.”
I nearly choke on a spaghetti noodle. “What! Why not? Mom and Dad are going to flip the fuck out. What about football? Your scholarship? When did you decide this?” I ask, my thoughts are all over the place.
“You just threw about four hours’ worth of questions at me.” He laughs at me, shaking his head back and forth.
“I’m going to tell Mom and Dad this weekend. I just had to make sure that my plans were set before I made this decision and told everyone.”
“What plans?”
“What I’m going to do with my life, Jess. Why I’m staying here in Santa Ruiz,” he answers quietly.
“So you’re just giving up football and your scholarship?” I ask, my voice laced with concern. “You’re staying here?”
Nodding his head, he takes a long drink of his iced tea. “I decided at the end of last semester that I really want to be a firefighter, like Luke and Chief. I can finish my studies here and hopefully get on with the department in Santa Ruiz.”
I’m silent, more out of shock, than out of disagreement. My mind is all over the place. I’m elated that he’s staying, yet I’m scared for how Mom and Dad are going to react. I can sense his discomfort with telling me, but I’m so glad he did.
“Wow,” is all that I can seem to say.
“That’s it? Just wow?”
“I mean I’m surprised, I guess.” I smile. “You know girls totally dig firefighters, right?” I joke with him.
“Yeah, I’ve heard that,” he laughs.
“I’m glad you’re staying,” I whisper, not sure if I want him to hear me or not.
“Me too,” he whispers back.
I notice he gets lost in his thoughts again. Our server sets the bill on our table, and he grabs it.
“Thanks for dinner,” I say, hoping to pull his attention from his serious thoughts. “And thanks again for coming to get me from the party—I mean it.” This time it’s me reaching out to touch his arm. Lifting his head to look at me, he slides out of the booth.
“You’re welcome,” he says quietly as he waits for me to slide out of my side of the booth. Reaching out he
takes my hand pulling me gently to a standing position. Without letting go of my hand, he laces his fingers through mine as he walks us through the restaurant and out the front door to his truck.
“Hey, remember…you still have to tell me what your type of girl is,” I say, mocking him from earlier.
He stops near the back of his truck and turns to look back at me. “How about I show you?”
I’m going to tell her tonight. My heart is racing, and my palms are sweating. For over a year, I’ve been dancing around the feelings I have for Jess. I’ve tried telling myself that I can’t fall for her, or I shouldn’t fall for her, but the problem with that is, it doesn’t work that way. She is a magnetic force that draws me in. Yes, physically, she’s beautiful, but it’s more than that. She makes me feel things I’ve never felt before.
“Where are we going?” she asks as she looks up and down both sides of the street we’re driving down.
“You’ll see when we get there.”
She smiles at me and gives me an exaggerated eye roll. It’s a gorgeous night—warm, and the sky is perfectly clear with a full moon. I’m taking her to Washington Park where it’s pitch black and we’ll be able to see the stars. It’s off the beaten path, so I can’t imagine that anyone else will be there—all part of my plan.
Parking under a light in the small gravel parking lot, Jess jumps out of the car before I can get around to open the door for her. Meeting each other in front of my truck I grab her hand; again lacing our fingers together as if she’s already mine. We walk in the direction of the hill at the far end of the park, I can barely make it out it’s so dark.
“It’s so dark,” she says, barely audible. I can’t tell if she’s afraid or just stating the obvious.
“You’re fine. I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” I give her hand a little reassuring squeeze. Finding our way to the bottom of the hill we stop and look up to the top.
“That’s where we’re going?” she asks looking up the hill.
“Yep.”
Climbing the hill takes us a few minutes, but when we get to the top, it’s perfect. The moon is so bright that it illuminates all of Jess’ gorgeous features, yet it’s still dark enough that you can see every star in the sky.
“It’s beautiful,” she gasps, her head fallen backwards as she looks up at the sky.
“I know. I knew you’d like it here. Come, lay down on your back.” Both of us lie down in the soft grass next to each other, our fingers still intertwined. We lie close to each other, shoulder-to-shoulder and hip-to-hip. Taking her hand, I lay it on my chest, pressing it against the rapid beating of my heart.
We lie like this for a few minutes as I muster up the courage to tell her what I’ve been wanting to say to her for at least a year.
“Jess. I need to tell you something. Just please listen without saying anything, okay?” I tell her. She turns her head towards me. The moonlight reflects off of her face, illuminating her full lips.
“You’re making me nervous.”
“I told you not to say anything.” I tell her, putting my finger over her lips to keep her quiet. Her lips separate slightly and a quiet laugh escapes. I squeeze her hand that is still resting on my chest.
“Sorry. Go ahead.”
“For months I’ve had feelings for someone. She’s my type of girl, the one I wanted to tell you about at the restaurant. She’s beautiful, and funny, smart, and witty.” I pause to swallow and to catch my breath that seems to have evaded me.
“I’ve tried denying those feelings for her, not because I didn’t want to care about her and not because I didn’t want to accept my feelings for her, but because I’m afraid that if I tell her my feelings, she will think differently of me, and it will ruin our friendship.” Her eyes never leave mine, but her grip on my hand loosens. She doesn’t know I’m talking about her. Tightening my fingers around hers so that she can’t pull away, I finally spit it out.
“Jess, what I’m trying to say is that you are all I think about. I want to hug you and kiss you, and love you. You may not feel the same way about me, but I had to tell you.” She’s still. Staring at me with wide eyes and no emotion on her face. Fuck my life. I shouldn’t have ever told her. A small sigh escapes from me. “Every kiss, every touch damn near killed me. When you came to visit me in Arizona, I got to have just a little taste of you, not knowing if I’d ever really have you, in the way I have always wanted has been killing me.” I can’t even believe I just told her that, but it’s the truth. The taste of her lips, the smell of her neck, every one of those things has nearly sent me over the edge.
She sits up suddenly, and I once again tighten my grip on her hand so she can’t fucking run away from me. I know I’ve scared her.
“Talk to me,” I whisper. She drops her head, and her long hair falls forward so her face is hidden from me. Sitting up, she scoots to face me while tugging at me gently, coaxing me to sit up as well. The silence is killing me after my declaration to her.
When I sit up, we’re facing each other, touching knees-to-knees. She takes a deep breath and raises her head.
“I’m afraid too because I’ve had feelings for you for as long as I can remember,” she says as I release the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. A sense of relief washes over me, and before she can say anything else, I lean in and press my lips to hers, needing her to feel how much I want her. Dropping her hands I bring mine up to cup both sides of her face.
Relief washes over me when she kisses me back. We’re both taking what we’ve been denying each other. The taste of her lips is something I will never, in all of my life, forget. Her lips are full and soft—and mine. Gently pushing her onto her back, I lay at her side, deepening my kiss.
I nip lightly at her bottom lip, and run my tongue across it. I can feel her heart beating against my chest, and all I can think about is how I want to take her right here, but then I don’t. I want perfect with her, and in the grass on top of a hill is not perfect enough for her. Continuing to kiss her across her cheek and behind her ear, the low moan that comes from the back of her throat when I kiss that spot behind her ear gets me instantly hard. I need to stop now, but I don’t—or rather, I can’t.
Working my way down her neck and back up again I hover over her slightly swollen lips. Weaving my fingers through her hair, I pull her face to me pressing my lips to hers one more time. I’ve never kissed a woman like this before or had a kiss mean what this means. I’m in love with this woman. Madly in love.
“Thank you,” she whispers against my lips as I still kiss her. Her hands are firm, gripping my biceps.
“For what?” I mumble, still kissing her. Now that I have kissed her, tasted her, I don’t ever want to stop.
“For everything,” she whispers, gently pushing me off her. She rolls herself on top of me so that she is straddling me. Grabbing my hands, she laces her fingers through mine and places them next to my head, holding them on each side of me while she kisses me. God, she’s so fucking sexy. She repeats every kiss, every movement that I did to her, including nipping me on the bottom lip and the kiss behind the ear. God I want her.
Slowing down, she sits up, and when I join her I pull her to my lap as she wraps her legs around my waist.
“Now what?” she laughs, dropping her head to my shoulder. I breathe her in and let the smell of coconut invade my nose.
“This is just the beginning,” I say to her, planting a kiss on her lips in between each word.
“Beginning of what?”
“Us.” A huge sense of relief washes over me. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do if she didn’t reciprocate my feelings. A quiet laugh escapes her lips as she lays her head on my chest. We lie like this; in the silence. Her warm body pressed against mine feels natural, like she was made for me.
I shift slightly to my side. “Jess?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Last year, when I kissed you in Arizona,” I pause as she sits up and whispers, “Yeah.”
&
nbsp; “I wanted to tell you all of this back then. I’m sorry I waited so long.” When I see a hint of a smile I continue. “Every text, every phone call, every e-mail since that night, I’ve always wanted to tell you this. But tonight seeing your face, touching your lips, holding you—this is exactly what I wanted.”
“Me too,” she whispers.
I want the drive home to last forever, but of course those four miles and two right turns pass in the blink of an eye. I could have laid on top of that hill all night with him. Every dream, every wish, every hope of mine came true tonight.
“What are you thinking about?” He asks me quietly as he cuts the engine and we sit in the dark cab of his pick-up truck.
“Just how happy I am right now. In this moment, how everything I ever wanted just happened,” and I pause, “and that I’m so afraid all at the same time.”
“Why are you afraid?”
“I’m afraid that when I wake up tomorrow, this won’t be real. I feel like you’re going to wake up and realize you told your ‘kid sister’ you had feelings for her, and that you’re going to regret everything you said to me tonight.” I take a deep breath and hit him with one last punch. “And I’m so afraid that I won’t be enough for you, pretty enough, smart enough—just ‘good enough’ in general for you.” I cast my eyes down at my fidgeting hands, it was so hard to say those words, admit those insecurities, but it’s the truth.
He grabs my chin, turning my head so that our eyes meet. “This is real. Don’t ever doubt my feelings for you. For years I’ve watched you, wanted you—waited for you.” He moves his hand from my chin and cups my cheek, “Please don’t be afraid Jess, I promise I won’t ever hurt you.” I nod my head, and let his words ease my fears. “And don’t you ever think you’re not good enough for me, do you understand?” His voice is quiet yet firm.
“Yes,” I whisper.
The front porch light turns on and pulls us from this moment. “We should get inside.” Leaning across the console he presses his lips to mine. His kiss is intense, hungry. He mumbles the words ‘this is real’ against my lips in between soft kisses.