by Rebecca Shea
I reach for the patio door handle but stop again to look at Angelica. I can’t help but smile at the woman who raised me, taught me how to cook, comforted me while I was sick, went to my school conferences, and is the closest person I’ll ever have to a mom. For almost fifteen years, she has cared for me like I was her own. Looking at her, I am comforted by her presence, and for the first time, I’m feeling sad to leave the Garcia’s behind.
Turning back to the door I grasp the handle and slide it open. Stepping onto the stained concrete patio, I can hear the sounds of laughter and conversation from the small groups of friends gathered around the fire pit. I scan the backyard looking for Ava and find her snuggled under Adrian’s arm.
Taking in the group of people gathered around the fire pit my heart thuds rapidly with nervousness but nearly stops altogether when I see him. Gabe has his arms wrapped around a tall blonde woman, embracing her in a hug. She looks to be around his age and is pencil thin. Her arm is thrown around his neck with her head tipped back, and she’s clearly laughing at something he said to her.
My heart sinks as I watch him pull out of his embrace with the mystery woman, and I see the wide smile that covers his tan face. I can’t do this. I can’t see him with someone else. I’m not strong enough for this. But this is what I want him to do. This is why I asked him to let me go, so he can be happy. My hands are sweating, and my eyes fill with tears. An angry heat takes over my body as I feel my chest tighten and struggle to breathe. Turning quickly, I make a run for the patio door just a firm hand catches my elbow, stopping me before I can move any further. At the very same time that hand connects with my elbow, I hear my name.
“Jess?”
Snapping my head in the direction of the body holding me hostage, I see Luke gripping my elbow. Clearly shocked to see me standing here in his backyard, I try to pull out of his grip, but he tightens his hand around my elbow to keep me from running away. With the sound of my name coming from Luke’s deep yet surprised voice, the backyard goes silent.
Looking back over my shoulder I can see everyone has fixed their attention on me. Ava, Adrian, Max, Gabe, and even his leggy girl who I now recognize as Heather, the EMT from the fire station where Dad, Gabe, and Luke all work. How fucking convenient. As my eyes continue to shift from person to person, Luke breaks the silence.
“How are you?”
Glaring at Gabe, who is still standing ridiculously close to Heather, I flash him the meanest look I can. I want him to know I’m pissed, even though I don’t have any right to be. I cut him loose. This is what I wanted.
“I’m, just leaving,” I say, my voice cracking. “I just came to say goodbye.” My eyes drop to the concrete patio as giant tears spill down my face.
“Goodbye? Where are you going?” Ava’s voice is frantic as she moves quickly from Adrian’s embrace over to my side. Luke still hasn’t let go of my arm, holding me firmly in place. She is now standing directly in front of me, blocking my exit to the patio door.
“I leave tomorrow,” I tell her, meeting her glossy eyes. “I’m moving out East for an internship.” I barely manage to say the words through the lump in my throat.
“Where?” she asks quietly.
“Please.” I beg her with my eyes to stop asking me questions I’m not ready to answer.
“Just, out East.”
“Why? Please, stay here. I’ll transfer back. We can get through this—together.” Her voice breaks, and I watch the giant tears spill from my best friend’s eyes. Wiping them with her sleeve, she continues, “We’ll get an apartment together. Just please don’t go.”
“I can’t,” I whisper as I watch more tears fall from her eyes. “I have to go.” I jerk my arm back, pulling away from his vice grip. I mouth the word ‘bye’ to Ava who is standing with her hands over her mouth, choking back sobs. Because I’m a glutton for punishment, or maybe because I never stopped loving him, I turn to take one last blurry look at Gabe. Even through my tears, I can see him clearly. His mouth has tightened into a straight line, and he’s stepped forward away from Heather. One of his hands is flexed into a fist and the other is holding a beer bottle that looks as if he could crush it if he squeezed it any harder. I can see the veins in his arms as he’s flexing his hand around the beer bottle.
Turning back toward Luke and Ava, I see the side gate is open and know that this is my fastest escape out of this backyard. Taking a deep breath, I gather myself and walk quickly toward the gate, willing myself not to turn around again.
Just breathe. Just breathe. I keep repeating this to myself over and over in my head. Just breathe. Just breathe. I’ve made it out of the back yard and onto the driveway safely hidden by the fence. I stop and bend over. My stomach is twisting, I feel like I’m going to vomit right here on the driveway. Since I haven’t eaten in three days, it appears I’ll just dry heave here instead. Just breathe for fuck sake. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. I try to catch my breath as my stomach coils.
As I stand up, there is a violent crash and glass breaking, along with raised voices, and seconds later, more glass breaking. Walking as fast as my legs will take me, I cross the street. Stepping onto my front patio, I turn around to look, one last time across the street to the house where every good memory of my childhood resides.
Opening my front door, I step in and shut the world out again. Collapsing onto my couch, I curl myself into a ball and cry. I have no reason to be mad at Gabe. I pushed him away. I broke up with him. But it killed me to see him hugging Heather, and it hurt me to know he could move on so quickly. The vision of him hugging her is burned into my memory as I try to fall asleep.
For hours I lie on my couch, whispering words to Gabe he’ll never hear. How much I love him, how much he deserves to be happy, and how proud I am of him. Words he’ll never hear because I’m too weak to talk to him, and I pushed him into the arms of another woman. Sleep finally finds me as I feel the last tear roll down my face.
“What did she say?”
My heart is going to beat out of my fucking chest. I can literally feel it bouncing off the walls of my ribs. I saw the look of pain, of utter disgust, on her face when she saw me hugging Heather. Fuck. I couldn’t hear what she was saying to Luke or to Ava, but she was crying. I tried to move closer, to hear her voice, but before I even had time to think, she was gone.
“God dammit, what the fuck did she say?” I yell this time.
“She’s leaving.” Ava chokes in between sobs, tears still falling down her face.
“What do you mean she’s leaving? Where is she going?”
“Out East. That’s all she said, out East.” Ava cries, her eyes glistening with tears.
In this moment, every ounce of self-control I’ve ever had vanishes. I take my beer bottle and as hard I can, toss it at the side of the brick garage. I’ve never seen glass explode and shatter like that green beer bottle did. People near me duck, and back away. I’m like an out of control animal. My heart is beating violently, and rage courses through me.
I grab another beer bottle that’s sitting on the table and throw it against the garage, shattering that bottle as well. Just as I’m looking for a third one, Luke grabs my arm and pulls me away from the table. Everyone is yelling at me to calm down. Calm down? The only person I have ever truly loved is moving out East, wherever the fuck that is, and I’m supposed to just calm down?
Luke now has me in a bear hug so that I can’t destroy anything else, and Ava is holding onto my arm. “Please, stop,” she cries.
I’m breathing so fast and so shallow that I feel like I could pass out. My head is dizzy, mostly from rage, and I’m sure the beer hasn’t helped. Feeling my chest rising and falling with every sharp breath I take, Luke continues to hold me in this position for a couple of minutes while my mind has time to absorb everything that just happened. As my breathing settles, Luke lessens his grip on me until he lets me go all together.
“Sorry everyone,” I say, pulling away from the small group that is
now watching me, as I walk straight to the patio door. Sliding it open, I move quickly through the house and up to my room, the room I don’t stay in anymore. Shutting my door, I lock it and sit down at the only thing left in this room, my wooden desk. Leaning forward, I drop my head into my hands and fight to control my emotions. I can’t believe she’s leaving. She’s really leaving. A million thoughts are racing through my head, I know she won’t talk to me, or listen to me, but I have so much to say and so much to tell her before she leaves.
My laptop is at Luke’s apartment, but I won’t let her leave without telling her exactly how I feel. Opening the desk drawer, I pull out some paper and a pen. Pushing the stacks of notebooks aside, I start writing. She may be leaving, but she will never be able to run from my heart.
“Jess, I know you think this is a good idea, and I promised you that I wouldn’t tell anyone where you’re going, but are you really sure this is what you want to do?” Dad asks quietly. I stare at him and all I see in his eyes is regret. I don’t want to regret my life.
“Dad, I have to do this. I have to move forward, and I can’t do that here. There is too much pain here. I’m suffocating,” I say, my voice void of any emotion.
Dad nods his head slowly in agreement. “You going to go say goodbye,” he says, shifting his head back in the direction of the Garcia house across the street. My eyes sting with the tears forming in my eyes, and the large lump in my throat will barely allow me to talk.
“I did last night.” I think about Gabe in Heather’s arms, the yelling, and the breaking bottles. “It didn’t go so well.”
With a deep sigh, dad walks toward me and pulls me into a tight hug. I can’t remember the last time he touched me, let alone hugged me. Dad doesn’t show his emotions, he’s the master of disguise when it comes to displaying any emotion. I snuggle my head into the crook of his neck and let the man, the father I barely know, hold me and comfort me for the first time in fourteen years. He didn’t hug me after I was raped. He didn’t hold me when I young and sick with a fever, but today, I let him hug me, and I try to bury the anger I have toward him and simply find comfort in his arms.
The hug is warm, and caring, and loving, and exactly what I need from him. This is confirmation that after everything I’ve been through in the last eight weeks, that he does love me and supports me and my decision. Dad pulls out of our embrace first, grabbing both of my cheeks like I’m a little girl again. Raising my head so that I’m looking at him in the eyes, he says, “I’m so proud of you. You are the strongest person I know. I mean that. I’m so blessed that you are my daughter. Your mom would be so…” He pauses while collecting his thoughts. “…so proud of you. You remind me so much of her, Jess. Your mannerisms, your laugh, even the way you walk. You are exactly like her,” his voice breaks.
This is progress for him. In fourteen years he has never talked to me about her. When I was young I would ask him questions, and he always found a way to distract me and not talk about her. Wrapping his arm around my shoulder, he guides me to my car, giving firm instructions to call every three hours from the road and every time I stop for gas. Giving him one last hug, I slide into the driver’s seat and buckle my seatbelt.
Backing out of the driveway, I will myself not to look in the rearview mirror at the house across the street, the house that holds my heart. But I do. Out of my side mirror, I see him sitting on his front step. His head is hanging, and his arms are resting on his knees. With a deep breath, I put the car in drive, wave to my dad, and head east, hoping for the strength and sanity to start over while a small piece of my heart dies as I see Gabe grow smaller in my rearview mirror.
Exhaustion does not even begin to explain what I’m feeling. I just spent three days driving from coast to coast, literally—Pacific Ocean to Atlantic Ocean. Arriving in Wilmington, North Carolina, I head straight to the TV station where I will be interning. I am meeting my new boss, Kevin, for the first time. He is renting his small, mostly furnished condo to me. Kevin is also the General Manager of the TV station where I will be spending most of my time working and building my resume.
The TV station is a small local affiliate. This means I’ll be working long days for no pay, but walking away with a shit-ton of experience. I won’t be just serving coffee and answering phones. I’m actually welcoming the long hours as a form of distraction, a mental health break from the chaos that is consuming my head.
Pulling into the parking lot of WXZI, I pull into the first open spot marked ‘visitor.’ Shifting my SUV into park, I roll up the window and flip my visor down. Taking a long look at myself in the mirror, I assess the damage. Fortunately, I travel well. I don’t look awful, just tired.
I grab my purse and pull out my lip-gloss, smoothing it over my lips. I tussle my hair to give it a little body and decide that this is as good as it’s going to get for a Tuesday afternoon.
I open my car door and slide out. My legs are stiff from the last six hours of driving, so I stop to stretch a bit. As I make my way towards the large glass doors of the station, I find the main doors are locked. Noticing a small callbox on the brick to the right of the entrance, I push the button, and a man answers, “WXZI, how can I help you?”
I take a quick breath and announce, “This is Jessica Harper. I’m here to see Kevin Lincoln. He’s expecting me.”
There is a moment of silence, and I’m wondering if I’ve been disconnected from the man in the box, when I hear, “I’ll buzz you right in, Ms. Harper.” Just then, I hear the doors click and buzzing coming from the callbox.
Pulling the doors open into a small lobby, I step inside noticing a main desk, but no one is behind it. Standing there for a minute, I take in my surroundings. There are plush, leather chairs in the lobby, along with small side tables and lots of green plants. It’s a modern lobby for such a small station, and I’m impressed with what I’ve seen so far. Just then, a wooden door to the left of the lobby opens, and a man in his late forties or early fifties enters the lobby quickly. I smile and offer my hand as he does at the same time.
“I’m Jessica Harper,” I say with a big smile.
“I’m Kevin Lincoln.”
“Nice to meet you,” I say with a firm handshake.
“Likewise, Jessica. I’ve got about ten minutes before I need to be back in the studio, but let me get you the keys to the condo and show you your desk.”
I’m thankful that I’m getting a short tour of the station. Kevin has agreed to let me start next Monday to give me a few days to get settled at the condo and get acclimated to my new city.
“Here is where you’ll be sitting” Kevin points to an empty grey desk. There is nothing except a black multi-line phone and notepad on the desk. “We’ll get you all set up on Monday. I have a computer coming, and we’ll get you some supplies.”
Glancing around the small newsroom, I notice there are several empty desks, but most are full of computers and notepads and personal pictures. For the first time in months, my stomach does a little flip, and I feel butterflies of excitement. As we walk through the newsroom to the large corner office, which is Kevin’s, I stop in the doorway. Kevin walks to his desk and grabs an envelope. As he’s walking back to me, he’s talking at the same time. “I’ll introduce you to everyone on Monday morning. Be here at eight thirty sharp.”
As Kevin hands me the envelope, he starts going over the contents. “The keys to the condo are in there, along with the address. It’s right on the beach. You’ll love it. Call me if you have any questions once you get there. Oh, and your badge for the office is in there. Don’t lose it. It will get you in the front doors at all hours. Most of the time, we don’t have a receptionist. Oh, and Janet asked me to give you a phone number. It’s on the yellow sticky note inside the envelope.”
Kevin looks down at his desk as he’s saying that. Janet is my academic advisor and Kevin’s sister. She is also the person who pulled off this internship in record time. I nod my head at Kevin and give him a tight-lipped smile.
&nb
sp; “Kevin, thank you for giving me a chance. I know that I’m a liability and have no experience, so I appreciate your kindness.” Kevin nods politely at me, and I turn to make my way out of his office.
“See you Monday,” I say, flashing him a smile, hoping he’ll believe how grateful I truly am.
“See you Monday,” he replies with a small sigh.
After finishing my letter, I seal the envelope and walk across the street to Jess’ house. I see Chiefs truck is gone, so I can only assume he is at the station. Standing on the front porch, my mind races while I talk myself in and out of giving her this letter. My heart gets the better of me, and I reach into the hanging flowerpot and find the spare key.
Inserting the key into the front door, I turn the doorknob and push the door open quietly. There are no lights on in the house. Closing the door behind me, I use the backlight from my phone to search out Jess’ purse.
Seeing her purse on the counter, I cross the living room floor to the granite island that separates the kitchen from the living room. I open her bag and push the letter to the bottom. I set her wallet, keys, and sunglasses on top of the letter and close her bag. Standing there, my eyes have adjusted to the darkness, and I glance around the empty living room and down the hall that leads to her room.
Before I even have time to think, my feet are quietly shuffling down the hallway. Her bedroom door is cracked open. Pushing the door open slightly, I stick my head in. The blinds are open and, the moon lights up her room. My beautiful girl lies on top of her comforter, curled so tightly in the fetal position that her forehead is almost resting on her knees, and her arms are wrapped around her legs. I can hear her small, shallow breaths telling me she is asleep.