Had he ordered something? He’d ordered new sneakers the other day, but they weren’t supposed to be here until tomorrow. Was one of his neighbors mad at him for playing music late at night? He couldn’t help it, he was depressed, okay?
He tried to put a friendly expression on his face as he opened the door.
“Hi,” Anna said. “Your neighbor let me in. Can I come in?”
He took a step backward, not really to answer her, but because he was so confused she was here. Was this another one of those dreams? What was going on?
She walked through the door and stopped in the middle of his kitchen.
“Hi,” he finally said. “Um, are you . . . is something wrong with your dad?”
That was the only reason he could think of for why she’d be here.
She shook her head.
“No, he’s fine. I just . . . I had to ask you something.”
Oh God. Did she want him to keep doing it? To keep pretending to be her boyfriend, because she had some other event or the studio wanted more proof that she had fans or some other stupid reason? He couldn’t do it.
“What do you need?”
He crossed the kitchen and picked up his coffee mug and poured more coffee into it, just to give himself something to do, so he wouldn’t look at her. He didn’t offer her any. He had a feeling she wouldn’t be staying long.
“Why did you say that?” she asked. “What you said. That night. Did you mean it?”
He set his mug down, so hard that coffee sloshed over the sides of the rim. This was what she’d come for?
“What the fuck do you think, Anna? Why do you think I said it? Do you think I make a practice of saying things like that to women? Of telling women that I’ve fallen in love with them, just to give them the fun of being able to reject me afterward? Did I not flatter you enough when I said it, is that the problem? Did you want me to tell you how beautiful you are, how talented you are, how lucky I felt when I was with you? Well, fuck that, I’m not going to say any of it. Yes, I meant it. Yes, I fell in love with you, but it wasn’t for any of those reasons, even though they’re all true. It was because I understood you, and you understood me. It was because I was so happy, every moment that I was with you. It was because you’re funny, and smart, and thoughtful. It was because you called me on my bullshit, but I didn’t want to run away. It was because after you forced me to be honest with you, I realized that I couldn’t lie to you about anything, ever again. So yes, I meant it. Is that enough for you now? Did that give you what you came here for? Did you ask because you want to know if I can keep up with this charade? If so, no, I’m not going to participate in whatever scheme you and Simon have come up with this time. I’m out. If that’s all, I’m running late for work. If you’ll excuse me.”
He opened his apartment door.
She didn’t move.
“I guess I deserved that,” she said. She wiped her eyes. He tried not to feel bad about making her cry.
“I didn’t want this, Ben,” she said. “I wanted a fun little fling with you, one that would bring me back to how I used to be. I wanted you to help me get press and good publicity and convince that studio I should get that role. And that’s all I wanted from you. But from the beginning, you wouldn’t let that happen. Everything with you felt too close, too intimate. It scared me. I didn’t want you to get that close to me, at least I thought I didn’t.”
He closed his apartment door. He stood there, his back to the door, waiting to see what she would say next.
“I wanted to be back to the old Anna. I wanted accolades about my performances and magazine covers and I wanted that Varon movie. I wanted my agent and my manager to get calls about me every day, and I wanted to get my pick of what to do next. And I’ve gotten all of that, Ben, I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever dreamed of. But none of it matters without you.”
He was frozen to this spot, right by his door. Was she really saying this? Did she really mean this?
“I hope—my God, I hope—that you can forgive me for how long it took for me to realize this, but I’ve fallen in love with you. I love you. I’m in love with you. And”—she took a step toward him and smiled tentatively—“it’s not because of how hot you are, or how good you are at your job, or how good you were at being my fake boyfriend. It’s because of how kind you are, how big your heart is, how much love you give to the world, how happy I always was whenever I was around you. Even now, right this minute, when you are standing there staring at me, and I don’t know what you’re thinking, and I don’t know what you’re going to say, and I’m so scared it’s not going to be what I want you to say, I’m just happy, being here, with you.”
He took one step toward her. And then another. And then he opened his arms, and she flew into them.
“I love you so much,” he said, she said, they said.
He brushed her hair back from her face and kissed her. She pulled him closer and kissed him back. The tears fell from her eyes onto his cheeks.
“Are you sure?” he asked. “If you’re feeling guilty, or something, I don’t—”
She put her finger against his lips and looked him in the eye.
“I’ve never been more sure of anything,” she said.
* * *
—
Anna took his hand and led him into his bedroom. She plucked the bottom of his shirt out of his jeans and pulled it up over his head. He reached for her, but she stopped him, so he stood there and watched her. She unbuckled his belt, unzipped his jeans, and let them drop to the floor. She kissed his collarbone, his shoulders, his arms, his chest. She ran her hands over his body, memorizing what it felt like, even though she hadn’t forgotten a single thing about him.
Finally, she dropped her hoodie to the floor. He reached for her again, and this time she gloried in it. In the way he undressed her, touched her, looked at her, kissed her, laughed with her, loved her.
Afterward, they lay together in bed. Kissing, touching, talking.
“That charity thing that you suggested—I’m doing it,” she told him. “I did an interview talking about it. It was really . . . hard. But I think it’s going to be good.”
He kissed her softly on the lips.
“I read that interview. I tried not to, but I couldn’t help myself. I was—I am—so proud of you.”
She smiled.
“I was pretty proud of me, too.”
He dropped his head back on the pillow.
“I told Theo about Dawn. We’re going to meet her soon. It’s all still so weird for me. But I’m glad I told him.”
She smiled at him.
“I’m glad, too.”
She intertwined her fingers with his and lifted their hands to kiss his.
She couldn’t believe she was here, with him, for real this time. She was so happy.
She was about to say that out loud, when he bit his lip.
“Shit. I should be at work. Right now. Hold on.”
He jumped out of bed, grabbed his phone, and typed busily with his thumbs.
“There.”
He dropped his phone and got back into bed with her.
“Do I get you all to myself today?” She kissed him softly. “What should we do?”
That wicked grin she loved so much spread across his face.
“How about a road trip?”
Epilogue
On Saturday morning, Anna sat in the back seat of Theo’s car, Ben’s arm around her, her head tucked into his chest. It felt like they’d barely let go of each other in the past week. Now that they were together, for real, all they wanted was to be together.
Monday, they’d jumped into Ben’s car and had driven down to Anna’s house in L.A. The whole drive down there they’d talked and laughed and cried and talked more—about everything that had happened in their lives in the past few weeks they hadn’t gotte
n to tell each other, about how hard those weeks had been on both of them, about what Simon had said, about what Theo had said, about how and when they’d each realized they’d fallen in love. Ben had flown back up to San Francisco Tuesday morning and Anna joined him there Wednesday night. They were going to fly back down to L.A. late Saturday night, so they could drive Ben’s car back up the next day.
They hadn’t—quite—figured out what the next few months would look like for the two of them. She was going to start filming soon, he had this new ad campaign he was working on, they both knew they wouldn’t be able to be together this much. But somehow, they both knew they’d make it work.
Now they were on their way up to Sacramento, so Ben and Theo could meet Dawn. Anna and Maddie were coming along for moral support. From the tense look on Ben’s face that morning, he needed it.
“What are you and Maddie going to do while you wait for us?” he asked her.
She laughed.
“We’re going shopping. There are apparently a handful of boutiques nearby that Maddie’s been dying to go to for a while. I’m excited to see what she finds.”
He nodded. That tense look was still on his face.
“Nervous?” she said to him in a low voice.
He started to shake his head and then stopped himself.
“Yeah. I . . . I just want her to like me. I feel bad, about blowing her off before. And I’ve never had a sister; I don’t know how to . . . I don’t know, I’m probably making a bigger deal about this than I should be, but—”
“No,” she said.
He smiled down at her.
“No?”
“No, you’re not making a bigger deal about this than you should be.” She reached for his hand. “Don’t feel bad. Her email back to you was so nice. And of course she’ll like you. Even Simon likes you.”
He laughed.
“That might be overstating it a little.”
She laughed, too.
“Only a little. But you won over both of my parents last night, which FYI is not easy.”
He grinned at her.
“Well, that was different. All I had to do was sing their daughter’s praises, which comes very naturally to me.”
It had been so good to be with Ben at her parents’ house, to see him talking and laughing with her parents and her brother. It had felt right.
He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.
“Thank you. For coming with me today. It’s really good to have you here.”
She felt herself tear up again, just by that sound in his voice and the tender look on his face.
“It’s really good to be here for you,” she said.
He traced her lips with his finger.
“You make me very happy,” he said. “Do you know that?”
She squeezed his hand.
“I know. I love you.”
Theo cleared his throat.
“Ahem.”
They looked up. They were stopped at a light, with Theo and Maddie grinning at them. Anna blushed, but Ben just grinned back.
“Yes?” he said to his brother.
“We’re about a block away from the restaurant,” Theo said. “Dawn texted—she’s there at a table.”
Ben took a deep breath.
“Oh. Okay, great.”
They pulled into a parking spot, and Ben took off his seat belt. Anna grabbed his hand before he got out of the car.
“Do you have any idea how happy you make me?” she asked him.
His entire face bloomed into a huge smile.
“Yeah,” he said. “I do.”
Acknowledgments
I didn’t think I could write this book. At first, it felt impossible to write a book during a global pandemic, especially a book about love. But then this book became my joy, during a very hard year. I am grateful beyond words for everyone in my life who helped me find love and joy and creativity in the hardest of all years to find all of those things, and who made it possible for me to tell Ben and Anna’s story.
Holly Root and Cindy Hwang: I thought I was grateful for the two of you before this; I realize now I had no idea how incredibly lucky I am to have you as my agent and editor. Without your patience, support, and above all, your faith in me, this book would not exist. Thank you both, from the bottom of my heart, for everything.
Jessica Brock, how would I do anything without you? I hope I never find out. Fareeda Bullert, thank you for one million things, but especially the title. Angela Kim, Craig Burke, Erin Galloway, Megha Jain, Rita Frangie, Ayang Cempaka, Eileen Chetti, Lisa Davis, Yasmin Mathew, and everyone at Berkley and Penguin Random House who works on my books, you’ve all gone above and beyond in the past year. Your jobs got infinitely harder, and I’m still amazed at how wonderful you’ve been. Thank you for every email and brainstorming session and phone call and everything else. I appreciate all of you so very much and hope we never have to put another book out together during a pandemic. Thank you to Alyssa Moore, Melanie Castillo, and all of you at Root Literary for all of your hard work throughout an incredibly hard year. Thank you to Alice Lawson and everyone at Gersh for your unfailing support of me and my books. Huge thanks to Reese Witherspoon and the whole team at Hello Sunshine for being the best cheerleaders out there.
Amy Spalding and Akilah Brown, thank you for all of the emails and texts about names, geography, snacks, and so much more. Jessica Morgan, thank you for your wisdom, your friendship, and your encouragement about everything from writing to buying just one more pair of earrings. Kayla Cagan, thank you for your advice and jokes and thoughtfulness. Nicole Chung, I cannot wait to give you the biggest hug in the world. So many writers have been there for me since the beginning, and especially this year; thank you Jami Attenberg, Melissa Baumgart, Robin Benway, Austin Channing Brown, Nicole Cliffe, Heather Cocks, Alexis Coe, Ruby Lang, Danny Lavery, Lyz Lenz, Samin Nosrat, Rachel Fershleiser, Helen Rosner, and Sara Zarr for your advice, handholding, expertise, and support.
Jill Vizas, where does friendship stop and family begin? I’m not quite sure, but I know we crossed that line a long time ago. Simi Patnaik and Nicole Clouse, I wouldn’t have made it through this year without you two. Janet Goode, I miss you and I love you so much. Lisa McIntire, thank you for everything, but especially that thing you said in a text message that I thought about for many months and then put in this book. Kimberly Chin, thank you for all of our backyard meals, hopefully we’ll get to eat a meal together inside someday soon. Enormous thanks to Christina Tucker, Alyssa Furukawa, Samantha Powell, Dana White, Alicia Harris, Nanita Cranford, Melissa Sladden, Jina Kim, Joy Alferness and the entire Alferness family, Sarah Mackey, Margaret H. Willison, Kate Leos, Lyette Mercier, Micah Ludeke, Katie Faulkner, Maret Orliss, Catherine Gelera, Kate Flaim, Maggie Levine, Sara Simon, Julian Davis Mortenson, Nathan Cortez, Sarah Tiedeman, Kyle Wong, Ryan Gallagher, Toby Rugger, and Jessica Simmons for your friendship and love.
Special thanks to every member of every single one of my group texts. I’ve treasured all of the jokes, selfies, venting, love, tears, hugs, support, and so much more. Get ready for sustained, very tight hugs in the hopefully near future.
Thank you to my family, who have loved and supported me so much throughout my whole life. To my own enormous family group text: you all knew I would put you in a book someday, didn’t you? My cousins, I love you so very much. A special shout-out to my cousin Leann, since I keep putting the names of the people who live in your house in my books, I can’t help it. (I’ll get to the rest, I promise.) And of course, thank you to my mom and dad, who have taught me so much, and have always had faith in me, even when I had none. I love you.
Librarians and booksellers, you all had to change how you did your jobs on a dime, and I’m in awe of your resilience, your creativity, and your ability to keep telling the world about your favorite books, no matter what. Special t
hanks to my hometown bookstore, East Bay Booksellers, and all of the staff there, who helped me get hundreds of signed books out to readers during a pandemic—you all blew me away with your organization, enthusiasm, and good humor in the face of everything. Thank you so much.
And a huge thank-you to all of my readers. Thank you for buying my books, getting them from the library, recommending them to friends, posting on social media, and everything else you do. Your notes and messages about my books have been such a balm for me during hard times, and I think about them so often. I’m grateful for every single one of you. Thank you all, for everything.
READERS GUIDE
While We Were Dating
Jasmine Guillory
Discussion Questions
Ben and Anna both start the book with pledges to never sleep with someone they’re working with (which does not last). What are your feelings about having romantic relationships with people you work with?
What are your feelings toward Simon, Anna’s manager? Do you think he has Anna’s best interests in mind or is he pushing her too hard to make choices to advance her career?
While We Were Dating discusses the importance of mental health through both Anna and Ben’s experiences. What do you think of Anna’s decision to go public with her mental health journey at the end? What do you think of the way this topic was handled in this book?
How do you think you would react if you found out you had a half sister you never knew? Do you think you would’ve reacted similarly to Ben? What do you think of his decision to leave Theo out of the loop?
Ben is fairly laid-back about the plan to be Anna’s pretend boyfriend. What did you think of Anna’s proposal? Would you have agreed to do something like that?
There has been a lot of discussion as of late about inclusivity and representation in Hollywood. In While We Were Dating, Anna is both Black and plus-size. Can you name three plus-size Black actresses who could play Anna in a movie?
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