by Shae Scott
I frowned at his final words. What did he mean, that he’d said too much? It wasn’t the first time that he had pulled back after a particular turn in conversation. Sometimes it felt like he was pushing me away, and other times I wrote it off to him getting used to having strong emotions for someone. It was no secret that that was not his M.O. Plus, we had the whole friendship land mine to navigate. The whole situation was confusing. We were walking such a thin line and neither of us seemed ready to try and define what was happening.
I tried to convince myself that that was okay, that I could just enjoy the ride, but moments like this had me wondering if I was cut out for such a thing.
Chapter Eleven
The office was quiet as I worked through my proposal, while chatting away with Owen on my messenger. My work days were longer when our schedules allowed us to chat throughout the day. I loved days when we could keep up a constant stream of conversation. It wasn’t efficient to my work, but it made the day enjoyable. I loved when he would just pop in and ask me some random question.
Things had been going well with us. Each day I felt like I knew him a little bit better. Most nights he was the last voice I heard before I went to sleep. We hadn’t really addressed what it all meant, and most of the time I was okay with it. He lived in Chicago, I lived in Nashville. We didn’t have an ideal situation to build an actual relationship on, but I felt like it could get there at some point.
I was surprised when my phone rang and I saw his name flash across the screen. We’d been chatting about movies that we loved only a few moments before. “Hey,” I smiled into the phone.
“Hi,” he replied. His voice was deep. “Getting close to heading home?” he asked.
“Close. I was just finishing up a few things. What about you?” I asked. I knew that he often worked a few more hours after I left.
“I’ll be here for a bit. Listen, Ally, there is something I have to talk to you about.” He sounded serious. I instantly sat up straighter, worry filling me. He sounded down.
“Okay. What is it? You sound weird.” My pulse picked up a little. I could feel the nervous knot in my stomach starting to take hold. His voice sounded hesitant, almost pained. It was scaring me.
“I just need to talk to you about a few things.” I heard him take a deep breath and I braced myself for whatever it was he was going to say.
“Owen, just tell me. Whatever it is,” I urged.
“Alright. These past few months have been really great. You’ve opened up a whole new side of me that I was pretty sure that I had shut down for good. All I have done is work for my career. I’ve been with this company since I left college and I’ve put in countless hours to climb my way up. And I’ve made a lot of decisions along the way to make it even further. It all seemed rational at the time, but then you come along and you make me question it all.” He was struggling with his words, and it made it that much stranger because, typically, Owen didn’t want for the right words.
“You’re starting to freak me out a little bit here,” I said, hoping he would get to the point or reassure me.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just…I have to tell you something. I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you from the beginning of this whole thing, but then I would convince myself that it wasn’t important. But, I know that it is. I know that it will be important to you and I’m an asshole for not having told you before now.” I could almost see him running his hands through his hair in frustration. I was really nervous now. This felt too big. I had a feeling I was about to be pushed right off cloud nine.
“I’m kind of involved with someone.” Yep, there it was. The world around me stopped and I was frozen. I was pretty sure that I had just stepped into an episode of the twilight zone, or maybe I was being punked. That would be so much better than the instant ache that was settling onto my heart, He was with someone? With someone? What did that mean? I instantly felt like someone had thrown cold water all over me.
“Like a girlfriend?” I managed.
I heard him sigh. “Sort of,” he said.
I laughed and I knew it probably sounded a bit hysterical. “Sort of? What is that supposed to mean?” The shock of his words was starting to fade and I was left with growing anger and disgust.
“It means that my relationship with her is complicated. She is Max’s daughter. For years he has tried to push us together. We went out a few times. She’s a really nice girl. Anyway, she has always wanted to be a part of the company, but Max keeps her at arms length. He’s kind of sexist asshole like that. But when we started dating he got all kinds of excited about it and let her in. He gave her an office and some projects and she’s been working hard to prove herself since then. Along the way, we kind of just became a team. Max likes that I date his daughter and he gives me more responsibility in the company and she gets to be involved and get daddy’s attention. It’s just kind of worked for us both. It’s all kind of superficial, but…well, I know I should have told you about it a long time ago, I just didn’t know how. It’s just one of those things that I fell into and it was helping me with my job. I mean, it was kind of a perfect set up for someone like me. I guess I never expected us to happen.” He stopped talking and I know he was waiting for some sort of response from me. I just didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know how to feel about this news. He was with someone, but he made it sound like it was less than serious. But how could I believe him? Isn’t that what guys who cheated on their girlfriends said to the fools that fell for them? I thought back to all of the time that we had spent talking to each other. We spent most nights talking to each other late into the night, where was she then?
“What’s her name?” I asked quietly. It fell out of my mouth before I could think better of it. Did I want to know the details of his relationship? This conversation was making it glaring obvious that I had started to see a future with Owen. I had started to give into my feelings. As much as I’d been trying to deny it to myself, this moment was laughing at me.
He sighed. “Her name is Anna,” he said. Anna. I tried to picture what she might look like. But she was just a faceless image. I needed some time to think about this. I wasn’t sure what to do. Everything that I thought I knew, everything that I thought was happening, had just been turned upside down.
“Ally,” his voice startled me out of my thoughts.
“I’m here.” I was buying time. I didn’t know what to say. It felt like my reaction to this news would shape whatever happened next.
“I’m sorry. I know I should have mentioned it from the beginning. But it’s such a complicated situation. I didn’t know how to bring it up or explain it,” he said. I could hear the pain in his voice and I knew this conversation wasn’t an easy one for either of us.
“How long have you been seeing each other? Is it exclusive? Are you…with her?” I tried to figure out how to ask what I needed to know. I knew he understood when he took a steadying breath.
“Ally, I’m not going to lie to you anymore. I promise you that. We’ve been seeing each other for about a year. We went into the whole thing like a business deal. It has never been a big love affair. Yes, I’ve been with her. We get along and sometimes we play the part a little better than others. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know that for someone like you it just sounds slimy. I guess it is. But it fit into the life I thought I was looking for. Work, success, and drama free pseudo relationships. It’s who I’ve been for a long time.
“Talking to you all this time has me questioning a lot of that. But the truth is I still have that commitment to her and to my work. I’m not sure how to get out of it. We are so close to getting what we wanted and now I am all a mess and…” He searched for the right word.
“Distracted,” I supplied.
“Yeah. I guess so. I don’t want to lose us…you and me. I should never have lied to you. I was just so afraid that you would run and to be honest, I wasn’t ready to risk that. I meant it, when I said that you make me feel things that I haven’t
. It’s confusing to me. But I know that until I can make my life less complicated that I have to step back. I keep getting sidetracked and lost in you and it’s not fair to anyone involved.” He sounded defeated. I knew how he felt. I had just had the rug pulled out from under me and I was spinning.
I tried to process his words. My heart wanted to read between the lines of what he was saying and make my own convenient conclusions, but I knew that was foolish. Hearts are foolish.
“Say something,” he begged after the silence hung between us for a long moment.
“Owen, I’m not sure what to say. This is a lot to process,” I admitted. “I need time. I mean what is it that you even want from me?” I asked.
“I just want you around. I want to talk to you. I want to spend time with you when I can. I want my best friend…I want you to not run away,” he said.
I sighed, “I need some time.” It was all I could offer him right now. I needed to get away and just think about what he had said. I needed to see it all clearly and right now it was just a big muddy mess.
“Okay. I get it,” he said softly. We sat in silence for another long moment, neither of us ready to break the connection, afraid of what it meant for the relationship that we’d been building. I thought I knew him so well, but this was making me question everything.
“I’ll talk to you…soon. Okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, okay.” I ended the call and sank down in my seat. I felt completely shell shocked. The message screen on my computer mocked me. I could see our words from earlier in the little box, they were carefree and easy. Nothing felt carefree and easy anymore.
What in the world was I supposed to do with this? Sure we could be friends, but could I go back to that when each day I was falling for him a little more? It seemed impossible. At the same time, I didn’t want to lose him again. These last few months had reminded me of how special our connection had always been. I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was supposed to be in my life. Maybe he was just meant to be my friend. Then I remembered his kiss and all thoughts of friendship were gone. You don’t kiss your friends that way. This was impossible. I needed to think. I shut down my computer and headed home, trying to shake the fog that settled over me.
Chapter Twelve
I felt numb. I wasn’t sure what to think about what had just happened. I could barely remember going to my car or the drive home. Owen’s words echoed in my head. I’m kind of involved with someone. Even the echo of the memory tore into me, causing my heart to contract. I should have known better than to let my heart start to believe in whatever was happening between Owen and me. It was my own fault. I’d let my walls down, I’d let him in even knowing that there were obstacles between us. Funny how small those old obstacles seemed now that there was a much bigger one at play.
I put on my favorite flannel pants, grabbed a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and sulked on the couch like an adult. My mind was a mess. I spent way too long over-thinking every conversation we’d had since he came back into my life. I thought about our time in Texas and the sweet conversations that we had late into the night. Almost every single night, he talked to me right before he went to sleep. Where was his girlfriend? Maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe it really was some big charade just as he’d said. But that seemed too crazy even for me to latch on to. It didn’t matter that Owen never lied to me. It didn’t matter that I’d always trusted him completely or how every action he’d taken with me seemed to prove how genuine he was, how genuine he always had been. At least with me.
But that was then. And this new revolution had me doubting it all. The truth was all mixed up and there was no way that I could get a handle on it. Not tonight.
I tossed and turned trying to find the sanctuary of sleep. It was as if my body refused to rest, waiting for the phone to ring and my goodnight call to begin. But it didn’t come. I hadn’t expected it to. I’d told him I needed time and I did. I needed it. Still, I missed his voice. I missed the calm that he brought me as I let go of the stressors of the day. I missed him. Already. It proved just how dangerous I’d let this whole situation become. Once again I was jumping into something with my full heart, never bothering to check to make sure that I wasn’t jumping alone.
Things didn’t feel much clearer the next day. I was muddling, completely preoccupied. I was grateful when Cassie shut my door and demanded I tell her what was wrong. Unfortunately, she didn’t offer me much in the way of advice.
“I don’t know, Al. It all just seems so weird. I can’t figure it out. It sounds like a sham. Like he’s feeding you a story so he can keep you on the side. Chances are that he and the chick are super serious.” Not what I wanted to hear, but she was giving voice to my fears.
“But,” she said thoughtfully. My heart thudded at the word. Hope. She was a real bitch. She will take you down every single time. “I don’t know. I hear the way you guys talk to each other. I can’t imagine that any of that is fake. And you talk to him on the phone all the time. He’s not weird or secretive about it. It doesn’t exactly paint the picture of cheating asshole boyfriend.”
“Right? I know. It’s so confusing. I don’t know what to do. I told him I needed some time to think about it. Should I just walk away? Do I try to be friends? What do I do?” I pleaded with her to give me some kind of clear and definitive answer. I was tired of thinking about it.
“I don’t know, friend.” She gave me a sympathetic shrug.
“You are fired,” I said. She laughed a little and then gave me a serious look.
“Just give it a couple of days and the answer will come to you. You have good instincts. Just trust in them.”
I sighed, not feeling better at all. But she was right. I just needed time to sort it all out. I was trying to force it and I just needed to let it come.
“You’re right. I know you are,” I admitted. It didn’t make it any easier though. I wanted resolution now. Chaos made me crazy.
*****
I worked hard on focusing on my job. I filed away the Owen situation for my subconscious to chew on and ponder. Maybe it would have better luck than I had. Part of me hoped that Owen would contact me. It was strange, not talking to him. He was such a part of my everyday that not having his little messages pop up was odd and it made my days go by so slowly. No longer was I completely satisfied just to spend my working days focused on tasks. I needed his quick banter and his questions that had us talking randomly for hours. I had come to look forward to them and the silence between us was hard.
So by the time our third day of silence hit I was nearing the point where I needed to talk to him. Obviously, I wasn’t coming to anything on my own. It was late as I crawled under the covers, thoughts of Owen heavy on my mind. I’d given up scolding myself for letting him occupy so many of my thoughts. It wasn’t going away. I needed to deal with it. Tomorrow. I’d call him tomorrow and talk it out. I just needed some kind of closure.
As if on cue my phone lit up from the nightstand beside me. My heart did that familiar lurch as I saw his face appear on the screen. I guess tomorrow was coming early. I grabbed the phone and accepted the call, nervous butterflies dancing around in my stomach.
“Hi.” I hardly recognized my own voice.
“Hey. I hope it’s okay that I am calling. I know you said you needed some time and I’ve tried really hard to give it to you. But I need to talk to you. I don’t like this space between us.” His words hit my heart. This is why I’d avoided him. His words always sounded so sincere and so genuine. They could convince me of anything. I wanted to believe him, but it still felt dangerous.
“It’s okay. I was going to call you tomorrow anyway,” I admitted.
“You were?” He sounded surprised and it made me smile. Maybe he’d been feeling just as chaotic as I had. It was nice to feel like I wasn’t alone in my confusion.
“Yeah. I thought we should talk about it all.”
“Oh. That doesn’t sound good.” I could almost imagine him settling in, preparing fo
r the hammer to fall down around us. But the truth was I didn’t even know what I planned to say. I hadn’t gotten that far. I’d just decided to talk.
“No. It’s not that kind of talk. At least I don’t think. I don’t know. I just feel like there is more to say.”
“There is,” he agreed.
Silence. Neither of us knew where to start. After a long moment, he broke the quiet.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you about this whole thing sooner,” he said softly.
“You should have. But it’s done. I guess I’m still trying to figure out why you didn’t,” I said.
He sighed and I could tell he was looking for the right words. “I don’t know. I mean, honestly, it felt like two different worlds. The thing with Anna feels like part of my work. I know that sounds crazy. But I started it up because I wanted to move further in my job. Harsh, right? But it was mutual and we got along and things were great. Then we started talking and that other stuff just kind of drifted away. Getting to know you all over again has blurred a lot of lines that I never planned to cross. I feel like we are dancing on this line of friendship and something more and it threw me for a loop. Then Texas happened. I don’t know. Since then, I’ve been all over the place. The charade doesn’t appeal to me. I get resentful and it plays into my job. I can’t explain it. It’s like a tug of war between who I think I am and who I am with you.”
I thought about his words, trying to figure out what they meant. He was talking in circles and it was hard to nail down what was really happening. “And who are you with me?” I asked, unable to stop myself.
“I am the man I never thought I was capable of being. Fuck, that sounds so corny. What I mean is, my life is a strict set of goals and means to achieve those goals. I don’t get distracted. I don’t let myself get sidetracked. But when you are around or we are talking I just feel…” He paused, looking for words. “I feel lighter. Peaceful maybe. I don’t know. I just feel like there is more than my strict plan. You remind me of who I used to be before I became so jaded.”