The room relaxed when they saw him, like an exhaled breath.
I didn’t know, yet, if he knew about me.
Before I could find out for sure, before I could read the knowledge inadvertently on his light, or see him pick it up in the mood of those I’d been with in the Black Arrow building, I slipped out the back door.
I didn’t want to know if he could be so happy, knowing what I’d done.
I knew it made me a coward, but I couldn’t be the one to tell him, either.
I just couldn’t.
REVIK WALKED INTO the back storage unit, where bunks were laid out in a series of rows. He wiped his face with one hand as he walked, using his fingers to scrub his hair on his head before he started scanning faces in the room.
He smiled a little at the shout that went up when his presence was noticed.
He raised a hand, but didn’t stop looking for her among the infiltrators wearing black armor and organic vests. She hadn’t been in the hangar when he landed. He’d expected her.
Then they told him what happened.
No one had wanted to drop that on him when he was en route transporting prisoners, they said...but Revik read behind that, too. No one wanted to tell him anything until they knew for sure she was all right.
He pinged her light, softly.
No response.
Walking in and among the infiltrators, he continued to touch arms and return smiles. Most of them sat on the floor, or on one of the wooden benches against the wall. A few sprawled on cots, their armor off, shirts open in the front. Others were in some state of undress, pulling off boots and pieces of armor, rubbing dirt off their faces and taking long drinks of water, beer or stronger things as they waited their turn for the one real shower that lived outside the hangar door.
Revik made his way over to one of the cots, looking down at the face of Nikka. Her face tightened while a tech worked on sewing up her side, but from her eyes he could tell they’d given her some kind of painkiller. Nikka returned his smile, glancing at the bloody piece of shrapnel that now stood in a metal dish on the floor beside the cot.
“You all right, sister?” he said.
She clasped his hand. “Fine, brother Syrimne. Thank you for asking.”
Revik looked at the wound. He scanned her briefly as he did, to assess the severity, but also as a cover as he looked for information.
But she hadn’t seen her either, not since they landed.
Fighting the desire to ask her questions about the mission itself, he moved on. In a few more steps, he saw Halo as well, and Qualen, and Garensche. All three of them lay on the cement floor or sat cross-legged on the same, drinking beer, their vests open. They were talking in pidgin Prexci until they saw Revik.
He only caught a few words.
“...fucking goddess...couldn’t believe it when that one guy...”
Looking up, Garensche trailed, paling a little.
But Revik only gave him a smile.
Startled, Garensche smiled back. “Hey, boss.”
“Hey. You all okay?”
He glanced around as they nodded.
Ike offered him a beer, but Revik declined with a wave of his fingers.
He’d finally seen the other face he’d been looking for. Picking Wreg out of the wash of black-clad soldiers, he nodded briefly at Garensche and the others, giving Ike’s back a friendly pat as he passed. He made his way around more cots and clusters of seers, his eyes trained on the other end of the cylinder-shaped storage unit they’d been using as sleeping quarters.
He saw his lieutenant seated alone on a metal bench, his back to the curved wall. Revik almost didn’t recognize him with the soot covering his face.
He walked closer, watching the seer tilt his head back, drinking tequila straight out of the bottle. Wreg closed his eyes as he swallowed, leaning deeper into the wall. His armor lay open in front, exposing a light gray t-shirt stretched over his thick chest. The shirt looked oddly bright against the soot on his arms, legs and outer armor. The infiltrator hadn’t even taken his boots off yet.
“Greetings, brother,” he said.
Wreg’s eyes opened. He looked up at Revik, his face holding remorse, a kind of crushing guilt. Seeing his expression, Revik waved it off with his fingers.
“You did well.”
He shook his head. “We were too slow to get out...”
“Or I was too eager,” Revik said. “I should have given you more time, given the size of the thing. I didn’t adjust fast enough...”
“She saved our lives.” Wreg looked up at him, his eyes serious, holding a kind of measured pleading. “She saved us, brother...there is absolutely no way we would have gotten out of there without her. They had security coming at us from both sides, the staircase blocked...” He shook his head, clicking softly.
“...Hell, at least a few of us would have been lost before we’d even reached the mainframe, by that goddamned sentient machine...” He took another drink off the bottle. “As it is, we didn’t lose a single damned person...not one, Revi’.”
“I saw that,” Revik acknowledged. “That is good, brother.”
“She couldn’t feel worse...” Wreg added, not seeming to hear him.
Revik frowned. “Why didn’t you contact me?”
Wreg gave a humorless kind of laugh, clicking his tongue. “She didn’t want you to know. She was shielding you from us, brother. Drained of light, barely conscious, and she’s asking me not to tell you...using the last of her light to keep you out, like you’re not going to know...”
Revik felt his chest clench.
“Where is she?” he said.
Wreg hooked a thumb towards the wall, indicating outdoors.
Glancing that way, Revik gestured in acknowledgement.
“What time are we leaving?” he said.
“Ten hours. They’re taking the prisoners out before they try to remove the implants, as a precaution. We’ll get the second plane once they refuel and come for us. I could try to hurry it up a little...”
“No.” Revik studied his face, feeling his chest tighten. “You’d better go shower. They’ll use up the warm water.”
He sent a pulse of warmth to Wreg, startling the older seer.
“Thanks for getting her out safe, brother,” he said.
Wreg continued to look at him blankly as Revik walked away, heading for the small wooden door in the curved side of the storage unit.
HE FOUND HER at the edge of the field.
She sat alone, in a thick cluster of grass. It made up part of the last stretch of field that ringed that edge of the tarmac, right before it turned back into jungle on one side and airplane runway on the other. Palm trees swayed overhead, along with Brazilian dates and a type of orchid-bearing tree with bright pink flowers. Clear sky curved overhead, still morning blue with scattered cumulous clouds. Later, the glare from pollution and sun would turn it a duller yellow if it didn’t rain, but for now, it wasn’t even overly hot.
She still wore her full combat gear...everything but the helmet, which sat next to her hand planted in the grass. As he stood there, a breeze caught her dark hair, rippling it along her back, then flickering it up towards and around one shoulder.
He wondered if she felt him.
Taking another breath, he walked the rest of the way up to her, and sat down. He let his legs sprawl beside hers, planting his hands on the bent grass behind his back to support his upper body.
She didn’t look at him for a long moment.
He waited.
He had already decided it would be better to let her come to him.
Eventually, she looked over. Her face was smudged with smoke; her hair smelled singed. He saw nicks from glass and metal on her cheek, dried blood under her hairline and by her left ear, a bruise on her shoulder where the armor hung askew in front.
Seeing the brightness of her eyes, the grief that stood out plainly in them, his resolve evaporated.
He slid his arms around her, pulling her against him. He wrapp
ed his legs around hers from behind once she sat between them, then tightened his arms crosswise as he cuddled her against his chest. Kissing her neck, he opened the armor locked across the front of her body with his fingers, unhooking snaps. Breaking her free of the dark-colored organic, he caressed her through the shirt below, putting light into his fingers.
He felt the light of the infiltrator team in hers, and a surge of gratitude found him. He kissed her neck again, caressing her face with his.
“Darling,” he murmured. “Darling, I’m so glad you’re all right...”
Her body grew taut, but she only held onto him.
When he softened his light still more, she cried against his shoulder, clutching at him, and he rocked her gently in his arms. The grief on her worsened, expanding into his light, and his throat closed.
“Alyson, love...it’s all right...”
She didn’t answer him, but he felt her disagree.
He held her tighter, curling his body around hers.
He tried to let her feel he understood.
She didn’t want to hear it. She fought his understanding at first, but slowly, slowly, she let him in. Once she had, he began talking to her again, his voice low.
“The first time for me...” He held her tighter. “It was hard, Allie. I couldn’t control it, either.”
Her arms wrapped around his. He felt another pulse of grief on her.
“I killed...” He swallowed. “A lot of people, Allie. A lot more than you...and they deserved it a lot less.”
He felt her wanting to argue with him again, to disagree with everything he was showing her, but she didn’t say anything. He opened his light as much as he could, letting her feel whatever she wanted in him, see whatever she wanted.
“Menlim wanted to cure me of feeling anything for humans,” he said, adding a little bitterly, “...it worked...but it didn’t.”
When he glanced down, he saw her looking up at him again, her eyes on his. He kissed her cheek, seeing the sadness still in her eyes.
“I hated myself, Allie,” he said. “...A lot more than I hated humans. And I know you’ll understand at least part of why. Because while you were doing that, using your power in that way, a part of you enjoyed it.”
He paused, letting that sink in.
“...To a part of you,” he added. “It felt right. Even when they died, it felt right.”
Seeing the stricken look in her eyes, he pulled her tighter against him.
“It can be like a drug at first,” he said. “Realizing what you can do..feeling that connected to everything. It can also make death feel like a blessing for others...a gift...”
She looked up, and he saw the recognition in her eyes, mixed with a conflict nearly on the surface. He kissed her face, his voice serious.
“...But you learn to control that in time, Allie. I promise you. You learn to detach...to step back, to connect the means with the ends.” He caressed her hair. “While you’re in it at first, you can’t really do that. You can’t detach enough to see the results of your own actions. It’s impossible. It really is...”
He felt her tense, but he shook his head.
“You can’t change the facts, Allie. I’m sorry it had to happen to you like this, but you were lucky, in a way...”
Feeling the grief on her worsen again, he tightened his hands on her.
“Allie,” he said. “You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. You saved your team’s life. You killed, yes...and I know how badly that upsets you. But it could have been a lot worse...”
Feeling her disbelief, he slid his light into hers again, softening her pain.
“You didn’t kill indiscriminately, Allie. You have no idea how much I envy you for that. I know that won’t make sense to you right now...and it doesn’t make it all better, I know, but please remember...it could have been a lot worse.”
She returned his gaze that time, her head on his shoulder.
He swallowed at the sadness he saw in her eyes.
“If it had been me,” he said, softer. “I might have killed Wreg and the others, too. I wouldn’t have meant to, but I might have done it anyway. I probably would have felt like I was helping them, Allie...releasing them to be in the Barrier, to be one with everything again. I was so unhappy most of the time as a kid, death felt like such a tremendous gift. I would have done it because I loved them. I honestly couldn’t see anything but joy in it...”
He glanced down at her, feeling her hands tighten on his arms.
“I felt like I was doing them a tremendous service. I remember crying, I was so happy for them...I was envious...”
She looked up at him, still holding his arms. That time, he could tell from her expression that she’d heard him. His words had touched her, too...in a way he couldn’t quite interpret.
For a moment, he just held her, looking at the trees as she merged her light into his, stroking his arms with her fingers. When the grief he felt on her began to be replaced by tiredness, he caressed her hair.
“You want to go inside?”
She shook her head, holding him tighter.
He ran his fingers across her face, curling them deeper into her hair. “We got them all out, Allie,” he said. “...all of the prisoners. Every last one. They’re on their way to Suriname right now, to get on a ship.”
Her low voice startled him.
“You got them out, you mean,” she said. “I was too busy blowing shit up...killing people...lighting fires...”
He fought a smile out of his light.
“And saving my people,” he said, kissing her. “And taking down a mainframe that ruined the lives of over a million seers...probably more...” Pausing, he smiled a little wider, unable to hide it anymore. “Baby, I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but I’m so fucking proud of you. I could burst right now. You completely blew my mind. You blew all of our minds...” He caressed her face. “...I think the whole team’s in shock still, but once they recover, you’re going to have a fan club so big you won’t know what to do with all of them...”
She looked up at him, her eyes holding an open disbelief.
“A fan club?” she said. “For killing people?”
“No, wife...gods.” Clicking at her, he brushed hair out of her face tenderly, kissing her mouth. “If I’d had any idea how dangerous it would be, I would never have let you go...” he confessed. “Sentient walls, a fucking mainframe the size of a city...security protocols that kicked in about twice as fast as I thought they would. Organic machine parts being cooked in the basement. A second security team in the Black Arrow building. Did you not notice that most of our intel was complete shit? You got them past all of it, Allie...and my team came out without a scratch.” Thinking of Nikka, he amended,
“...Damn near, anyway. You did everything I asked you to do and more. If we weren’t married, I’d be following you around like a puppy, begging you to be with me...”
Shaking her head, she clicked at him softly.
He found himself staring at her as she did it, if only because it looked and sounded so natural on her now. He smiled when he realized he’d managed to amuse her, too, at least a little.
“I fucking adore you, Allie...you must know that, at least. I adore you...and I’m so grateful you were there, that you helped me with this...”
She rolled her eyes at him. “Because I’m a killer.”
“You’re not a killer,” he said, exasperated. “Allie, my team would follow you into a live volcano right now. Do you think that’s because they think you’re a killer? They know damned well you hated hurting people. They feel guilty as hell about it, especially Wreg. They think you did it for them...”
“Well I didn’t...”
“Yes...you did,” he said. “Of course you did.” Seeing her frown, he tugged on the fingers of her hand. “Allie, don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Then you’re not seeing this clearly...” he said. “I picked up some from Nikka...a
nd more from Wreg and Garensche. You ran out there on your own...you held the team back, more than once. Why would you do that, unless you were trying to keep them from being hurt?”
She frowned, staring into the jungle.
“I screwed everything up, Revik,” she said finally. “It’s going to be all over the news feeds now. They’ll know what we did. Even more people will want to kill us now. The humans will freak out...”
“So what?” he said, exasperated. “Who cares what the worms think? You saved our people’s lives. You completed the mission...”
“And that’s all that matters?”
“What should matter, Allie?” he said. “Would it have been better if all of you had been caught? If you’d been put in a work camp? Tortured? Would it be better if we’d simply stayed home...done nothing while more than half of our brothers and sisters are suffering the same treatment right now, Allie...?”
He tugged on her hair, trying to get her to look at him.
“...I know you don’t believe in the Myth, Allie...or my ancestors or my gods. But what about doing good? Helping others who don’t have the same gifts? Why were we given these abilities, if not to help those weaker than us? Should we pretend we don’t have them? Say the hell with everyone else?”
Her frown deepened as she looked into the trees.
He caressed her face, and saw her eyes close when he put light into his fingers.
“You’ve never talked about religion before, Revik,” she said.
He felt himself tense, hesitating as it occurred to him that she was right.
He kept his tone light, shrugging vaguely with one hand.
“I didn’t think you wanted to hear it,” he said. “And that’s fine, Allie. That kind of thing is personal...even for mates.”
She looked up at him, her light eyes reflecting sunlight, and a little surprise.
“It’s important to you,” she said. “Of course I want to hear it. I don’t think you’re trying to indoctrinate me, if that’s what you’re worried about...”
He shrugged again, sighing a little.
Choosing his words with care, he kept his tone even as he gazed out into the palm trees.
“A lot was pushed on me in that area, Allie,” he said. Clicking a little to himself, he added, “A lot...more than I’m really comfortable sharing, to be honest. I’m still figuring it out for myself. But the last thing I want is to push anything on you. Or anyone. For any reason.”
Allie's War Season Two Page 44