I didn’t tell him that he wasn’t always there for me. I started picking at the green grass, and he laid down beside me, our sides touching.
He took my hand, intertwining our fingers and bringing our hands up to his chest, where I could feel his heartbeat. He started running these little comforting circles with his thumb on my left wrist. I couldn’t move, afraid that if I did, it would end whatever was going on with us right then.
We didn’t say anything else, because what else was there to say? He was here, of his own will, and as much as I knew how wrong I was in letting him comfort me, I just let myself relax in the familiarity of his presence.
“It’s nice outside, huh?” I asked him, hating that even with the familiarity of being around him; we had nothing to talk about anymore. We were trying so hard to avoid any hard topics.
“It is, makes me miss baseball—”he started to say, but then quickly stopped himself.
“Why did you quit? I mean you could still tryout. Didn’t the coach scout you?” I asked him.
“Yeah, but it just doesn’t feel the same without Ash pitching to me. He was always the pitcher, and I was the catcher. It feels wrong to be playing for someone else.”
I nodded, not really knowing what to say. I hated how awkward everything was. This was Beck. From the moment I met him, we never had an awkward moment. And now, it’s nothing but them.
We lay there for a little bit longer, letting the silence settle between us. Despite the awkwardness of the situation, there was absolutely nowhere else I would rather be.
“It’s getting late,” Beck said, breaking the silence after a while. “I’ll walk you back to your dorm.”
“Yeah, okay, that would be great,” I said, selfishly trying to buy myself some more time with him. I would probably hate myself for this later.
He got up and held out his hand, such a common gesture between us, but in my head, it meant so much more.
We headed back to the dorm, Beck never letting go of my hand, his camera swinging in his other. I wanted to ask him about that camera so bad, but I thought he would have said something if he’d wanted to. The awkward silence stretched as we made our way. Arriving there, he looked down at our joined hands and squeezed tighter.
“I’ll always be your friend, Cal,” he said, still looking at our hands. “Nothing will change that, I just—I don’t think...” He looked at me, asking for my understanding. I nodded encouraging him to keep talking. Finally he was going to forgive me, even if I didn’t feel like it was deserved. I was going to have Beck in my life. “I don’t think I’m ready to be around you yet.”
I flinched and immediately let go of his hand.
He was right, of course, in not wanting me around. I let him believe what he thought he saw that morning, and never corrected him. Even now, I know that I could mend what we had if I just told him the truth.
But, doing that would force me to break my promise to Ash. I wasn’t going to let him down. Beck didn’t even know the half of it. But it still hurt a lot hear those words come out of his mouth.
“I hate myself for what I did to us. I wish you’d believe that,” he said miserably. It pained me to hear him say this. There was actual physical pain somewhere in my chest. I wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault, if it was anyone’s, it was mine.
And this was why I didn’t deserve him. I could have just told him, right then and there, but being the coward that I was, I kept my mouth shut. I knew that once I said it, it would be out there, he would hate me, and there would be nothing I could do to make things right.
He has just come back into my life, well sort of. From a distance was better than how it was before.
“I was trying to make it easier for you by leaving,” he continued. “I’m so sorry you had to face everything alone.”
Wait, what?
“You…You actually think you were doing me some sort of favor by staying away?” I said with distain in my voice and I felt horrible after I said it, but I couldn’t believe what he just told me. He was trying to protect me. From himself.
“I cared about you,” he said simply.
“Ha!” I huffed at his words. “Then why did you leave? You just left me to deal with all that by myself. You.” I jabbed an accusing finger in his chest, causing him to flinch. “You just ran away from it all. Do you even know some of the things that people were saying about that day? Everyone had their own theory about what happened and you just left me to deal with it. I stopped going to school because it got so bad. Finishing my senior year alone because I couldn’t deal with all the rumors. Did you know that, instead of graduating with our class, I spent my senior year at home?”
“I did it for you! You think it was easy, staying away like that? Staying away from you. When I’m to blame for—“He raked his hand through his hair, grabbing at the ends and pulling it a little.
“We’re all to blame. Don’t you see that? All of us... ” I told him trying to control my anger. I could feel my heart starting to beat faster, and my face starting to heat up.
“I figured you didn’t want me there. You two were hiding things from me. It was obvious that something was happening, but you refused to tell me,” he said, his eyes full of something I recognized very well. Self-disgust, guilt, shame. I saw it every time I looked in the mirror.
He turned his back to me and ran his hands through his hair, resting them at the back of his neck. I hesitantly reached out with my hand, wanting to touch him, but then I let it fall. “You don’t know anything. I was going to tell you… that day. I was going to tell you…” I whispered trying to get my thoughts straight.
He scoffed at me, throwing his hands in the air. “You didn’t seem like you were planning to that morning.” He took a deep breath to calm himself down. “Look, I didn’t come here to fight with you.”
“Why did you come here, then?”
His shoulders tensed at my words and he took a few seconds before he turned around.
“What do you mean?” he asked. His shuttered expression told me he knew exactly what I meant, though. It may have been a year since I last saw him, but I could still read him like an open book.
“You knew this was the only college I got into,” I said. “But you had other offers. So, why are you here?”
His features softened instantly, and the mask he was trying to keep on his face dropped. He walked back to me and took both my hands into his, leaning his forehead against mine. I tried to memorize the way it felt, to capture this image in my brain because I didn’t know if I'd ever experience him being this close again. His eyes were closed, his breath warm against my skin as he was trying to get out the words I knew he’d say.
“Because I couldn’t not be around you. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t help it.” It was almost a whisper but I heard it. He gave my hands one final squeeze, then dropped them by my side and just walked away. I stared at his retreating back, willing him to turn around, but it never happened. Of course it didn’t happen. He just left me behind, again.
I rummaged through my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. I didn’t hesitate for a second. I needed to rant, and there was only one person who could make me feel better.
“I’m so confused, Ash! Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face and other times hug him,” I screamed into the phone, taking a couple of breaths relieved that I got it out. “Please, I need to talk to you. You always know what to do. Everything is such a mess. I don’t know how much more of this I can handle—” the voicemail cut me off. I stared at my phone, wishing that things were back to normal.
Chapter Five
Asher
End of Freshman year
“I CAN’T believe she invited Mallory to the reunion,” Beck said on our way to pick Cal up. We had an extra practice today and had just finished up.
“Why wouldn’t she? Mallory is your girlfriend,” I answered.
“Ugh, this is a mess!” He said as he hit his hand on the steering wheel. “I keep thinkin
g that eventually she’ll break up with Parker and then I would tell her how I feel.”
We pulled into Cal’s driveway and she ran out the front door. She had dressed up some and as she got closer, I noticed she was wearing makeup.
Beck sighed loudly. “This is going to be a long day.”
Cal got to the truck, and I stepped out to let her in. She slid across the bench seat next to Beck. As I was getting back into the truck, I noticed Beck was trying hard not to look at her, and she was trying hard to look away from him.
Hmm… interesting. This definitely was going to be a long day.
We made it to the park and met up with Mallory. She met us there because she had to go to dinner with her parents that night.
As I made my way to the picnic area, I saw a girl with long brown hair. It was curled in those loose waves that all the chicks are wearing. She was wearing a light pink dress, smiling and talking to an older lady. Beck noticed me staring at her, and smirked.
“Earth to Asher,” he joked.
“Who is that?” I asked him not taking my eyes off the girl.
“Who? Her?” He asked and pointed to towards the girl.
“Yes idiot, her.”
“That’s my cousin Delilah,” he answered.
“Man, if you would've told me that someone that looked like her would be here, I wouldn’t have fought you so hard on coming.”
“First off, I didn’t know she was coming today. Secondly, that’s my cousin…”
I didn’t hear what he said next because I walked away and towards Delilah. As I got closer to her, I noticed that the woman she was talking to was Beck’s Aunt Sally. I knew her fairly well.
When I reached them, I gave Sally a kiss on her cheek and asked how she was doing.
“Asher, how are you doing?”
“Doing good, ma’am,” I answered, and then looked at Delilah. She was looking back at me with an unreadable expression.
“Oh, Asher this is my niece Delilah. Delilah this is Asher, Beck’s best friend.”
“Hey there Delilah,” I said with a big smirk.
She rolled her eyes, and gave me a very uninterested look.
“Wow, you can quote song lyrics,” she said. Ooh, the girl was feisty. I liked that.
“Well, what can I say? Your beauty left me speechless. It was the first thing that came to mind.”
“Yup, I can see why you’re best friends with my cousin,” she said as she started walking away.
I turned around to watch her retreating form, with my mouth agape. What just happened? I decided to walk after her. There was no way that I was letting her get rid of me that easy.
“Hey, wait up!” I yelled and she stopped.
She crossed her arms over her chest, and stared at me as if she was annoyed that I was taking up her time.
Great, what did I say now?
“Yes?” she asked impatiently, and for added effect, she started tapping her foot against the grass.
“I…um… I was wondering if you wanted to go get some food…uh with me,” I said falling all over my words. Man, what was it with this girl that had me unable to form a coherent sentence?
“I don’t know—” she started to answer, but then Beck walked up and gave her a big hug.
“Of course she’s eating with us!” he answered for her.
“Hey there Del, I thought you and your folks were on vacation.”
“Well, we were until Dad was called back for work. So here we are,” she said as she looked back at me. This time with a little less of a hostile expression.
We made our way over to the food line, and loaded our plates with a bunch of barbecue. Beck’s family was all pretty well off, so they usually had things catered and the food was always really good.
We grabbed some empty seats next to Cal and Mallory, who were busy talking about a new store that was opening up in the mall. I could tell Cal wasn’t really that interested in the store but she was trying to be nice to Mallory. She kept looking at everyone else, and occasionally would throw in a mall comment.
After quick introductions, we all sat down and started eating. I snagged some food off of Cal’s plate, and she lightly punched me in the arm.
“So, how long have you two been dating?” Delilah asked Cal, and pointed between me and her.
“Who, me and Ash?” Cal asked a little confusedly.
“Yeah,” Delilah answered back.
Hmm… interesting. She was already fishing for information.
“Oh no, we’re not. He’s my best friend, and I have a boyfriend.”
I scooted a little closer to Delilah, and when she looked at me, she smiled. I noticed a slight blush in her cheeks that wasn’t there a moment ago.
Man, she had a beautiful smile.
Just as we were finishing our food, I looked over at Beck. He was glaring at something behind me. I turned around to see what it was, and noticed Parker was walking towards our table. He went up to Cal, and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Beck’s eyes narrowed even more as he put his arm around Mallory.
The look on Mallory’s face showed that she knew what was going on. Her eyes were narrowed as she studied the two of them. She looked over at me and I shrugged my shoulders. I felt like a jerk for not telling her the truth the other day.
Mallory stood up, and told us that she had to get going and meet her parents. Beck walked her to her car, and Parker squeezed in between me and Cal.
I turned to Delilah. “Hey would you want to go for a walk?”
“Sure, I’d love to,” she answered. We got up and started walking towards the lake.
I don’t even remember what all we talked about, but by the end of the night, I was hooked and had her phone number.
***
Calla
Now
THE AFTERNOON only got worse after my run in with Beck. I went back to my room and tried to get my mind off his words, but the more I tried, the louder they were echoing in my mind.
I should have told him everything. I vowed to myself that next time I saw him, I would tell him, all the while knowing I was lying to myself. I wasn’t brave enough to tell him everything he knew was a lie, even if this truth would set him free.
The weight of it all was sometimes unbearable. People made mistakes, but everything I did was a mistake. I lied, I lied again, and now I was still lying. Lying to Beck. Lying to my parents. Pretending to be okay.
Most of all, lying to myself. The deception that things could go on like this was the worst. When thinking about it rationally, I knew that, of course. But I wasn’t rational. I hadn’t been rational long before that day; otherwise, I would have done things differently.
You know how when you ask someone if they would do it all over again, they usually say that yes, they would, without a doubt? Well, I’d have changed everything that happened that day. I’d have changed a lot of things that happened before, too.
Even if it meant I’d never get to be friends with either Beck or Ash, I would still do it. If it meant they would be okay now, playing on the same baseball team, being best friends, living a normal college life, I would do it. Without a doubt.
My phone beeped. I looked to find that it was Liza letting me know that something came up and she was going to have to cancel dinner plans tonight. I knew that “something came up” was her code phrase for “I got asked out on a date.”
I texted Sam, and asked him if we could meet up another day, and after extensive reassurances to him, and promising that I wasn't avoiding him this time, we settled on another night.
With it being Wednesday, I knew that the church I had visited last year was having a service tonight. I decided it was finally time to maybe start getting my life back on track.
I still had an hour before the service started. So I decided to log on to Facebook. I hardly went on there, and tried convincing myself that I only logged on to play those ridiculous games. But, the real reason was that I would try to find information out on Beck. To see if he would up
date his status. But he never did. It was still the same one from the night before everything happened.
As I stared at the screen thinking about all the plans that I had made for that night, that post haunted me. That night was supposed to be the beginning for us but instead we were ruined.
Beck Westin
Thinking that tonight may finally be the night I get the girl. :D
May 28, 2011
Someone had tagged him in a few new photos. Beck was with the girl from the other night in most of them. It bothered me how comfortable they seemed to be with each other.
But what hurt the most was seeing how different Beck looked. He was smiling, laughing. He looked like my Beck, the old Beck. He didn’t have the sadness that I’d seen all over him since we reconnected, and I knew that it was my fault. I was a constant reminder of the pain and hurt, and I was the cause.
I needed a distraction, needed comfort, so I dialed Parker’s number. He picked up after two rings and the sound of his voice alone eased the constriction in my chest.
“You just can’t stay away, huh?” he asked in greeting.
“Oh, you know I can’t,” I answered.
I tried to force myself to smile so that my tone matched the light-heartedness of his, but I knew that Parker would still be able to notice my melancholy mood.
“So, what’s up?” he asked me.
“Oh nothing.” I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see me. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Uh huh. You know I can tell when you’re lying to me. Now what’s up?”
“Nothing, just thinking. I called you because I wanted to talk. But, now that I have you on the phone, I have nothing to say. I guess I just needed to hear a familiar voice.”
“Well, let me tell you about my day. You’ll never believe what happened,” he said. I laid back on my bed so I could relax and listen.
“Oh great, is this another story that is going to scar me from eating at any fast food places, because I’m telling you right now, I don’t want to hear it.”
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