Beck had to stay back and close everything up, apparently the place was owned by a friend of his dad’s that ran a junior hockey league. He agreed to let Beck use the place, as long as he cleaned everything up afterwards.
I gave Beck a kiss goodbye and thanked him for doing this for me, and promised to see him later.
Parker opened the door to his Jeep for me, and I climbed in.
When he got in and cranked the heat up, I leaned over the console and gave him a hug.
“Thank you for helping with this, I needed this tonight,” I told him.
“No, you don’t need to thank me, honestly it was all Beck. I just drove you here. He really is good for you, he was able to do something that I had tried all year to do,” he told me.
“What’s that?” I asked him.
“I can’t explain it. You look different, happier. Like a weight has been lifted off of you. You look like Calla again,” he told me.
I didn’t reply. I didn’t know what to say. I knew what he meant. I felt more like myself.
He dropped me back off at home, and told me he would call me later.
I talked to Beck a lot on the phone the next couple of days, his extended family was still there. The day they finally left, he showed up at my house with a huge smile on his face and wrapped me up in a huge hug.
“Thank goodness my cousins are gone. I seriously don’t know if I could handle another minute of them. Beck I want a piggy back ride, Beck I want to be an airplane, Beck...” Beck said. His aunt and uncle had three girls, all under five, so they loved to pester him.
We headed to my room, promising my parent’s that I’d leave the door open as we passed them.
I walked into my room and plopped down on my bed, I looked over to Beck and he was just standing there in the doorway looking around.
“Beck,” I called out to him.
He looked over to me and gave me a small smile.
“Sorry, it just… you kept it the same,” he stated.
“Yeah, I did,” I answered him.
He walked around my room for a few minutes, looking at all the pictures I had up. Looking through them like a timeline of our lives. I was silent as he reminisced, and I could almost see the memories playing in his mind with each picture he picked up.
He came over and sat down next to me, wrapping his right arm around me, and holding onto my hand with his other. He rubbed my wrist in a small circle, I’m afraid to say anything; I don’t want to break this moment for him. If I had to choose one moment and relive it repeatedly, this would be it.
“I can’t believe I ever thought he’d hurt me like that,” he told me. Pain was evident in his voice.
“It was what anyone would think, don’t blame yourself for what happened,” I told him.
He didn’t say anything else about Ash, but I could still tell that it was on his mind and he was trying hard to push it out.
“Are you ready for your present?” He finally said breaking the silence.
“Yes,” I said as he handed me a neatly wrapped box with a bright red bow on the top.
I carefully took the bow off, and start unwrapping it. With the paper off, I opened the box, and in the middle of velvet lining was a silver charm bracelet.
It has several charms on it, a calla lily, a baseball, an ‘ABC’ charm, and a heart. I began to tear up when I saw the ‘ABC’ one, everyone called us the ABC’s since it was all of our initials put together.
Beck reached over, and took it out of the box, and then grabbed my wrist and put the bracelet on it.
“Thank you! I love it. It’s perfect,” I told him, and gave him a kiss on his cheek.
I stood up and handed him his present, and he studied the wrapping job on the long tube for a few seconds.
“Nice job on the wrapping.”
“Oh be quiet, it was hard to wrap!” I replied.
He opened it, and when he saw the Yoda picture, he let out a huge laugh.
“This is perfect! I know exactly where it’s going. Right next to my Darth Vader one.”
“You are the biggest dork,” I told him.
I handed him one last gift. I had put it in an envelope and stuck a bow on it. I was frustrated at the time at how long it took to wrap the poster that I just didn’t care.
He slipped his finger on the edge of the envelope and opened it up. When he saw what was in it, he got a huge smile on his face.
“A gift card, how original,” he said teasingly.
“Ha-ha, it was hard finding you a gift,” I rolled my eyes at him, knowing that an ‘I told you so’ was on the way.
“See, I told you. A gift card is the way to go.”
He stood up and walked over to put his presents on my desk. He accidentally dropped the gift card on the floor. He bent down to pick it up, and as he looked under my desk for it, I remembered what was under there. The present I really was hoping he wouldn’t see.
“Who’s that for?” He asked as he reached over and picked it up.
“No one, I think I’m going to take it back,” I answered, hoping the nerves in my voice didn’t give me away. I got up and grabbed it from him before he could open it, and walked to my closet and put it on the top shelf. It took me a couple of tries to get it up there, since it was so high and I had to toss it up.
“Why don’t you want me to see it, Cal?” Beck asked. He walked over and picks it up again. He checked for a tag to indicate who the present was for, but there wasn’t one. That alone told him who it's for. He stared at the wrapped box for what felt like hours, but it was only a few seconds. Then he ripped the paper off of it and opened the box.
“You bought this for him?” He asked. I usually had no problem reading his facial expressions; I could tell from a glance what kind of mood he was in. But the look that was on his face right then, I had never seen before.
I could tell he was angry, but there was more underneath the anger. It was sadness, and worry.
“Yes,” I admitted. There was no use trying to play it off. He was just as good at reading me, as I was him.
“That’s it, grab your coat and shoes,” he directed me. He stood up, and turned around, and noticed that I hadn’t moved. “Now Cal, I’m not kidding, we’re going now.”
“Where?” I asked him. I was scared, not of Beck, but of where he was going to take me.
“I’m not going to let you do this anymore,” He says a bit angrier. Since opening the box, he hadn’t looked at me once, and I could tell he was tense.
I quickly obeyed, and then followed him outside to his truck.
“Are you going to stop acting like a jerk, and tell me where you're taking me?” I asked feeling irritated at how he was acting.
He finally looked over at me, and his face softened immediately.
“No, I’m not being a jerk. I’m worried about you. And no, I’m not telling you. You’ll find out in a minute,” he answered.
We turned a corner, then another. When I saw the baseball fields, it hit me where he was taking me.
“No! You can’t take me there,” I pleaded, tears instantly forming in my eyes.
“I am, and you’re going. Even if I have to carry you. You’re doing this.”
I started crying a little harder and Beck softened a little. The anger draining from his face, and worry replacing it.
“Please don’t do this,” I pleaded one last time, while he parked the truck.
“Cal, come on.” He walked over to my side of the truck, opened the door and held his hand out to me. “I’m right here with you.”
I grabbed his hand and jumped out of the truck. He slowly led me to our destination. I was a little surprised that he seemed to know exactly where he was going.
Then I saw him focus on something, and knew that we were close. I stopped and tried to pull away from him.
“I can’t do this,” I told him. “Please don’t make me.”
“You can, you’re not alone. I’m here,” he told me softly as he started leading us a
gain.
He stopped again, and I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see it. Seeing it would mean that it is real, final.
“Open your eyes, Cal.” his voice was soft, and gentle.
I still kept them shut, I didn’t want to see it.
I slowly opened them, and looked down.
The grey slab looked so cold. I stared down at it, not focusing on the words, until one word caught my attention… friend.
I focused in on the other words.
Asher Michael Cohen
October 3, 1996—July 19, 2013
Beloved Son, Brother and Friend.
I fell down to the ground, and sobbed.
He was really gone.
I’d never see him throw a baseball to Beck again. Never hear his knock on my window. Never hear his voice. It was my fault. I should have stopped him sooner.
Beck sat down next to me, and pulled me into his lap. He held me to him while I cried.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked him.
“Because he’s gone, and you’re pretending he’s not,” he answered. “You’re making yourself believe that he’s just away, and that he’ll be back. He’s not coming back.”
“I know that,” I answered a little harshly.
“Do you? Cal you’re still buying him gifts. What were you going to do when you couldn’t give it to him? He’s gone and you need to move passed this, you need to forgive yourself.”
I stared at the headstone, and noticed that a baseball and a calla lily were engraved at the bottom. I traced the lily with my fingers and started crying even more.
“How am I supposed to move on, when the only reason why he's dead is because of me?”
“It wasn’t your fault, just like it wasn’t mine,” Beck answered. “Trust me, it took me a long time to realize that. Ash wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself. I struggled for so long not to blame myself, but then one morning as I was getting ready to photograph a wedding, I started feeling God putting on my heart that I couldn’t do it on my own. That no matter how much I tried, without God, I’d never feel right again.”
“It was my fault! Don’t tell me it wasn’t. I can’t believe you’d do this to me, bring me here. I’m barely holding on, not coming here, not thinking about him being gone is the only reason I’ve been able to function at all.”
I stood up and started walking off. Beck grabbed my hand, and I shook him off.
“Leave me alone, I can’t be around you right now.” Looking at Beck, he nodded in defeat. And I walked away.
I didn’t remember the walk home. I didn’t remember going inside or walking into my room. All I could think about was Asher lying in the ground, cold and alone. And how I was the one at fault, I should have known better than to keep it a secret.
Growing up I had always believed in God, but after Asher was gone, I was angry at Him. I didn’t know why He would take someone like Ash, who never did anything wrong. He made that one mistake and got hooked on drugs.
As I lay there, a memory verse that I had learned in Sunday school started replaying in my mind.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
I drifted off to sleep with that verse in my head, and for the first time in a long time I prayed that it would leak into my heart.
My mom came and checked on me sometime that night, but I didn’t talk to her. She just walked in and left a plate of food on my nightstand.
At about eleven at night, I got up and walked to the bathroom, and heard my parents talking to someone.
Beck.
He was here. I quietly walked back to my room, and laid down again. A few minutes later, Beck walked in and laid down next to me.
“I know you’re mad right now, and hurting. But I want to tell you I’m sorry. I'm so worried about you and I don’t want to lose you too.”
“I talked to Sam tonight, and he told me everything. How could you keep calling knowing he wouldn't answer? If I had known, I wouldn't have forced you to go today. I would've helped you through it slowly. I'm here and always will be. We'll get through this together, but you have to trust me and trust God to heal your soul.”
I sniffed a few times, and then turned over to look at him. He looked tired, and had a few unshed tears in his eyes. He put his arms around me and rested his chin on top of my head.
“I love you,” I told him before I fell asleep.
Chapter Thirteen
Calla
THE DAY before we were supposed to head back to school, I decided to go visit Asher’s parents. It had been a year since I'd seen them, besides walking outside and seeing them… I had no interaction with them after Ash’s death.
I didn’t want to face them, because I knew that it was my fault he died. I should've told someone about what was going on with Ash, but instead I was too selfish to do that. Knowing that if I did tell, then they’d send Asher away to get help. I wanted to be the one to help him, just like he had always helped me. That’s what we did and I didn’t want it to change.
I walked around the back, and knocked on their door. I didn’t want to have to walk by the spot where Asher died.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. I followed Asher out, as we chased after Beck. Before he left the room, he told me that he’d fix this for me, I assumed he was going to come clean to Beck about the drugs.
I walked outside just as Beck threw the punch, and saw Asher fall back. I immediately ran over to Asher, but he wasn’t breathing… no heartbeat either.
Beck had straightened Ash’s body out and started performing CPR on him. Everything was a blur. I know that I must've been screaming the whole time as I sat there. Beck finally yelled loud enough to get my attention, and I was able to focus enough to follow his instructions to get Ash’s parent’s up. I ran inside the house and up the stairs towards their room, yelling as I made my way. As soon as I reached their room, I started pounding on their door. Mr. Cohen opened the door, and I didn’t know what to tell him.
He took one look at me and ran down the stairs; I yelled for him to go outside. As soon as he got outside Mr. Cohen started helping Beck and yelled for Mrs. Cohen to call an ambulance.
As soon as the paramedics arrived, Beck came to sit by me. He sat close enough that our arms were touching, but he felt so far away. I didn’t know if he tried talking to me, or if we both sat there in shock at what just happened.
My parents came over and helped me back to my house when the paramedics were getting ready to take Asher away. As I walked back to my house, I gave him one last look before walking inside again.
I never talked to Beck after that. I couldn’t… what was I supposed to say?
A few hours after the accident a couple of police officers came to the house to ask me about what happened. I numbly sat there and went back over the morning, giving them all the details my shocked mind could remember.
I never asked about Beck, and my parents didn’t tell me anything about what was going on, until a month later. They told me that Beck had been questioned by the police and then later cleared of any wrong-doing. And then that’s when they told me that he had left to go live with his Aunt. He didn’t say goodbye, or try to see me… he just left me.
All the hopes and plans that I thought we were making for the future were gone.
I was pulled out of my thoughts when Elizabeth, Asher’s mom opened the door. The minute she saw me, her eyes filled with tears and she grabbed me in a tight hug.
“Oh Calla, it’s so good to see you,” she said as she released me. She wiped a few tears away from her eyes, and motioned for me to come inside.
“It’s good to see you too. Sorry it took me so long to come visit,” I admitted to her as I followed her into the living room.
“I know honey, you had to work some things out. I know that you care about us, and that eventually we’ll get you back,” she told me.
&n
bsp; She sat down on the recliner, and I took a seat on the loveseat next to it.
“Beck came by, you know?”
“No, I didn’t know that. When was this?” I asked her. I looked around the living room, noticing how nothing really changed since I was here last. It all felt foreign though… they had all the same furniture, and pictures but Asher wasn’t here and that made this place feel completely new.
“Let’s see, it was probably a few days after you guys got home from school. He wanted to make sure to talk to us, before Sam got home,” she paused for a second. “You know we never blamed you kids for what happened, right? Sure Beck hit him, but… but we knew about the drugs. Well not when he was alive, but they did an autopsy and it came back that he had some stuff in his system.”
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you guys… I promised—“I started to tell her but she held her hands up.
“Calla, it wasn’t your fault. Yes, I wished we knew so we could get him some help beforehand… but honestly I knew something was going on with him. I was just too busy with work to even take a minute to find out.”
“The night before… he had told me that he wanted to tell you guys and get help. He was a mess, his life was in total chaos. Delilah had broken up with him because she knew something was going on with him. I think he finally had enough of all that.”
“Poor Delilah, she comes and visits me whenever she's in town. I think she blames herself just as much as we all do,” she told me. She stood up and walked out of the living room. When she came back, she had an envelope in her hand.
“I found this when I was cleaning out his room, it was under his bed. I didn’t read it, but it has your name on it.”
She handed me an envelope, and then left the room again. I appreciated the privacy. I opened the envelope and inside was a letter from Asher.
CALLA-
I WANTED TO TELL YOU HOW BAD I FEEL FOR PUTTING YOU THROUGH ALL THIS. YOU HAVE BEEN THERE FIGHTING ME ALL THE WAY. LAST NIGHT SHOWED ME JUST HOW MUCH I REALLY DO NEED HELP. I CANNOT KEEP DOING THIS TO MY SELF AND THOSE I LOVE. IT’S NOT JUST MY LIFE I’M RUINING BUT YOURS TOO AND THOSE WHO LOVE ME.
YOU AND BECK DESERVE YOUR CHANCE AND I’M SORRY FOR GETTING IN THE WAY OF THAT TONIGHT.
What's Left of Us (The Us Series Book 1) Page 15