by Robyn Okrant
The phone rings and I snatch it out of my basket, certain it’s Jefferson. The caller ID reads THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW. I immediately stop riding my bike and break into a very cold sweat. How on earth did the show get my number? I start to get a little paranoid and wonder if I’m the victim of a prank. I fight my desire to look out my blinds to see if someone’s watching me. I normally allow calls to go to voice mail when I’m working out or if the show is on, but it seems I’ve developed a case of alien hand syndrome and I hit the talk button.
It turns out there is an employee of the Oprah show who has been deployed to deliver a present to me. She’s at my old address a few blocks away. Without thinking, I give this total stranger the location of my new home and wonder if I’ve also developed alien mouth syndrome. It dawns on me they must have my number and address from my application for show tickets earlier in the year. I make a note to myself to be more careful about the information I dole out online.
I’m suddenly mortified about my tiny little apartment, the bike I’ve dragged in front of the TV, the piles of laundry I’ve folded but haven’t had time to put away. I’ve worked too hard on decorating my home this year according to Winfrey to allow anyone from the Oprah show to see it in a state any less than perfect. I’m apprehensive about their judgment. I see the employee pull up a bit past my building, and I fly downstairs to meet her before I have to let her into my home. I realize I’m sweating profusely and am a mess. When I work out at home, I do not dress as if I might be hosting one of Oprah’s staffers. In fact, I should thank my lucky stars that I’m even wearing pants.
The gal who approaches is young and unsmiling and I feel completely awkward around her. She gives me a package, which I notice is wrapped exactly as the gifts were that Oprah just handed out to her audience moments ago. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is a Kindle inside. I make some clumsy attempts at expressing my gratitude and ask her to give Oprah my thanks.
She raises a perfectly arched eyebrow and says something along the lines of, “We know how much you love the show.”
I’m put off by this. Maybe they do think I’m one of their superfans, after all.
Her voice is flat. I can’t really get a read about what she thinks of me, but I can tell she doesn’t want to linger very long. I chuckle uncomfortably. She doesn’t even give me the hint of a grin. I’m feeling really dorky now, my heart pounding in my chest. I bid her farewell and she says a curt good-bye and we leave each other. She heads to her car and I bound up the stairs so I can hyperventilate in the privacy of my own home.
Surrealer and surrealer.
I open the foil paper and feel like Charlie, anticipating a golden ticket within the wrapping of his Wonka Bar. It’s a Kindle all right, and I automatically fall in love with it. The only thing I enjoy more than a cool gadget is a free gadget. There’s a typed note, with an actual signature, on personalized stationery that accompanies the present.
Enjoy Robin [sic],
Wanted to save you a few dollars on this one!
Thanks for watching.
Oprah Winfrey
But wait. My cloud of excitement dissipates and I remember that on this morning’s show, Oprah told us that we should get a Kindle “if you can afford it.” I check the notebook in my bike basket and read that quote I transcribed in a shaky hand as I pedaled earlier, “if you can afford it.” If I am to literally follow all of Oprah’s advice, without bending her words to my benefit, I have to buy this device on my own, when and if I can. I haven’t accepted any other monetary or material assistance from outside sources so far. I probably shouldn’t start now. I place the Kindle lovingly on my couch and stare at it for a while, not wanting to play with it and become too attached.
I start to think about the project and how I’m trying to remain as unbiased and open as possible. Can I maintain my neutrality if I keep this expensive item? Would people question my findings and opinions if I accepted such a decadent gift from the very woman I analyze on a daily basis? The Kindle retails for $359, and this one contains a special $100 gift certificate for downloads. While I am certainly no journalist, I know they aren’t supposed to accept gifts from their subjects. The reporter from the New York Times who came to my home this summer insisted that she pay for her own lunch because of the newspaper’s policies. I feel I should maintain the same integrity.
By now, everyone reading this book should know what I do next: Call Mom. She has me read Oprah’s note to her five times and is thrilled that I’m having such an exciting morning.
Then she says, “It’s a shame Oprah didn’t spell your name right.”
I tell her that I’m freaking out because I don’t think I can ethically keep the gift, but at the same time wonder if it’s ever ethically correct to return a present. I’ve never done it before and certainly never to the Queen of Talk. I mean, doesn’t everyone want Oprah to give them a treat? It’d be so much easier to just keep it. I want it. Oprah wants me to have it. And frankly, it’s too expensive for me to afford on my own right now.
My mom takes a breath and gently says to me, “No matter what you do, you’ll choose the right thing.”
Oh, come on! What kind of advice is that? Clearly someone’s taken over the body of my opinionated mother who even has a strong point of view on the subject of neutrality. We don’t speak for a little while, but she stays on the phone with me as I pace. You’d think I was trying to decide whether or not to give Oprah one of my kidneys, not make a decision regarding a piece of plastic with a motherboard. Finally, although it hurts my fingers to type this, I decide I can’t keep the Kindle. It just wouldn’t be right. I tell my mom that I’m going to send it back.
“Oh, thank G-d,” she exhales. “I was worried you were going to keep it.”
Yup, that’s my mom.
I call a messenger service to send back the package within the hour and sit down to compose a note to Oprah on my laptop. I hadn’t intended to contact her directly during the course of this year, but I can’t return her present without explaining that I don’t mean the least bit of offense by my actions. It’s not perfect, but it’s the best I can do.
Dear Ms. Winfrey,
I was so pleased and touched this morning when I received this Kindle from you. It was such a thoughtful gesture, I was literally speechless. And if you knew me personally, you’d know “speechless” is rarely a term that could describe me. As grateful as I was, as I am, I felt I had to return the gift.
Please understand that this is in no means an insult or a show of ingratitude. It is not intended in that manner at all.
The issue is, when I started my Living Oprah project, I decided to follow some rules. One of the most important was that I did not receive any outside contributions as they might conflict with my research. So, no sponsorship, no advertising, no grants, no gifts, or any other financial assistance.
I admire you so much as a woman who has “stuck to her guns” over the course of your career. And it is in that spirit that I’ve decided to stay true to the mission of my own work and give this lovely Kindle back. Don’t get me wrong — I did hold it lovingly for a few minutes before I decided it wasn’t the right thing for me to keep it.
You did say on the show that we, at home, should get one if we could afford it. And I will be able to do this. Maybe not this month. But certainly in the next.
I hope I have made my intentions clear. I am in no way spurning your generosity, simply acting in a way I know will maintain the integrity of my project.
All the very best to you.
Thank you,
Robyn Okrant
When I go to print out the note, I flash back to a discussion I had last night with Jim, who told me he forgot to get toner for our printer. I stare at the red light blinking up at me and decide not to panic. I should handwrite the letter, anyhow. It’s much more personal that way. I delve into my desk drawer and discover most of my notecards are silly and kitschy and, although I love them, none of them sets the appropriat
e tone. I briefly consider writing on one of my fun Wonder Woman greeting cards, but dismiss the thought. I should be professional and sincere, not irreverent. I finally settle on the simplest stationery I can find.
I transcribe what I’ve written on the screen. When I’m about halfway done, I remember that during a rerun back in January, Oprah shared that President Clinton told her to always write one-page letters so people can easily frame them. I get it in my mind that I should also try to write my note on one page. Certainly it won’t be framed, but it’ll be easier for her office staff to photocopy and poke fun at a single-sided document. I’m just doing my part to boost office morale. Only problem is, I start to run out of room. What started off as neat and legible at the top of the page turns into tiny, cramped chicken scratch at the bottom. It looks more like the manifesto of a lunatic than a thank-you and apology note. Maybe I should start again. Then the doorbell rings and I almost jump out of my skin. It’s the messenger, waiting downstairs for me. I can barely afford the service as it is, and if I make the delivery woman wait, I’ll have to pay a penalty charge. I decide to throw the crazy-looking note in with the Kindle. The messenger gives me a nod, shuts her car door, and drives off with the package. For the second time this morning, I head up the stairs to my little apartment, shell-shocked. With every step, I feel alternatively certain about my decision and incredibly doubtful.
Because of the day’s events, it’s challenging to follow Oprah’s advice to “Get a lift when you come in the front door.” I pause to look at the photos in my entryway. I hung them because they always make me happy: one of my parents bundled in warm clothing on a fall day in Lincoln Park, and one of Jim and me on our blind camping date, eating pancakes I cooked over a propane stove. My blood pressure begins to mellow. I lock the door behind me and take some deep, slow breaths, trying to see the true size of this event in the grand scheme of life. While I’m nervous about what my readers will think of my decision, I believe I made the right choice for myself. I look at my bike and remember I still haven’t finished the morning’s workout, but I don’t even consider jumping back on to pedal. It’s early afternoon and I’m exhausted and drained. I decide to take a hot shower, make a cup of tea, and lose myself in a great book made out of good old-fashioned paper.
The feedback from my readers about the Kindle Debacle, as I now refer to it, has been mixed. Some folks are angry I’ve given back a gift from Oprah and others are proud of my decision. At first I jump in and try to answer every comment, but then I realize I will never make everyone happy. This blog has grown into a healthy community, and it’s not my job to police it any longer. Although, frankly, I can’t wait for the debate to settle down as I think it clouds the purpose of my project and I’d like to refocus.
I learned from this experience that many people harbor deep hope that they’ll receive a present from Oprah Winfrey. I’m not making light of this because it’s with honest desire that some viewers dream of Oprah’s gifts, support, and attention. She’s positioned herself as a modern-day Santa, and countless fans long for her generosity. I’ve heard from many women who clamor for a piece of Oprah in the form of a gift. The material goods she hands out transcend their actual monetary value and are revered for their connection to the talk show host. Whether it’s a car or a cupcake, it feels as if I’m witnessing a personal religious experience when guests have gifts bestowed upon them by Oprah.
Luckily for her fans, Oprah is very generous. She genuinely appears to love making people happy by giving them things. While I might find the crazed behavior of her audience disturbing after they receive their prizes, I find Oprah’s action of giving to be heartfelt. I do wish what I saw in return was gratitude, not adoration, but most of our cultural responses to celebrities are exacerbated by the thrill that their stardom provokes. For instance, while my mom swears she never threw underwear onstage at a Tom Jones concert, some women did. Would we toss our panties at our favorite barista at the coffee shop? No way! Besides being a health code violation, it’s absurd. We don’t get as excited about one another in civilian life as we do with celebs, no matter how tasty someone makes our latte. It is no surprise that there is so much disparity between the haves and the have-nots when many of us are complicit in bolstering the idea that some people are more worthy of having lingerie flung at them than others. I say we should all just toss our underwear at one another, without discrimination, or stop doing it altogether.
Photo © Jim Stevens
I couldn’t afford this until December. I bought it - and it was on backorder! I finally received it in April 2009.
Photo © Jim Stevens
Getting schooled in the economy with Oprah’s favorite financial expert.
October 2008 Accounting
Date Assignment Cost Time Notes
10/1 Read O from cover to cover. (LO) 4h 0m
10/1 Get a mammogram “if you haven’t done it already.” (MAG) 0h 0m Already done!
10/1 “Please take the time, if you can, to read” Nicholas Kristoff’s column in the New York Times about livestock rights. (MAG) 0h 5m Interesting op-ed piece. I’d like a more in-depth story. I think maybe he has a book?
10/1 Oprah says we gals are too judgmental of each other and we should support our fellow women instead of criticizing them. (SHOW) 0h 0m I think this is absolutely true. I aspire to be entirely committed to this. I will tread very carefully for the remainder of this year, staying very conscious of my intentions toward other women. (O)
10/1 Go to Oprah.com and visit the message boards to follow up on today’s show (about a woman who was so busy, she didn’t realize she left her baby daughter in the backseat of a hot car all day; the baby died because of the woman’s negligence). (SHOW) 0h 15m Yikes! Oprah’s message boards are brutal.
10/2 Prepare home in order to complete “have friends over for Across the Universe viewing” and “make paella.” And make sangria from Oprah.com recipe. (SHOW/WEB) 52.07 1h 0m Cleaned the house, set up for viewing party, postparty cleanup. (Made sangria from Oprah’s website, too!)
10/3 Read Maya Angelou’s Letter to My Daughter. (SHOW) 16.50 1h 45m I read this in two sittings. It’s simple. You can really hear Angelou’s voice. Some were nice, some I didn’t agree with entirely, still a nice read, and there are a couple good quotes I’ll keep.
10/6 “That is the real lesson — is because you carry the poison with you. The cost of not forgiving is to the person who is holding on to whatever it is… and so, that’s why you let go of it, so you can free yourself.” 0h 25m The guy’s voice made me a little crazy, but I thought it was helpful.
Because of Oprah’s advice, I searched for assistance on her website and did the “Meditation on Forgiveness” by Jack Kornfield, which is on Oprah.com. (SHOW/WEB)
10/6 “One of the reasons I was interested in telling this story on the air is not just for us to be voyeurs, but for each person who is listening today to look in your own life and ask: Who do you need to forgive?” (SHOW) 0h 10m I wrote for a bit — came up with a few people I might need to forgive. Just holding on to a little bit of resentment about them… just acknowledging this took weight off my shoulders. I didn’t think I even held grudges anymore.(O)
10/8 “Ask yourself, What can I live without?” (SHOW) 0h 15m As I walked around through life today, I took note of what I didn’t need. This will be an ongoing project. I do want to say just because I don’t need something doesn’t mean I can’t have it. This is usually the way I look at these things — as if I need to go cold turkey. Frankly, there are some luxuries that improve my daily life and I’m not so sure I’m willing to give them up. (O)
10/8 “We need to shift the way we think about living our lives. And it really is about bringing us all back to living within our means.” (SHOW) 0h 0m This was going great until I needed a health procedure and back brace that wasn’t within my means and I could only pay for it with credit. (O)
10/9 “Be nice.” (SHOW) 0h 0m I’m on it! (O)
10/10 “Okay, we’re goin
g to stretch” (to release the physical tension that gathers due to stress over money). (SHOW) 0h 45m This is hilarious. Every time I freak about finances, I’ve been stretching. I even did it in public when I got a much bigger bill at a restaurant than I thought I’d be getting. The silliness relaxes me, more than the actual stretching, I think. (O)
10/10 “You’re going to love it.” (SHOW) 17.00 1h 29m Oprah says I’ll love the animated children’s movie Madagascar. I’m not excited.
10/13 “Be sure to check out Suze on Saturday nights on CNBC.” (SHOW) 2h 0m I did this two Saturdays in a row. It wasn’t so bad. It’s not exactly what I think of as Saturday night fun.
10/14 “Vote at the grocery stores” to show how I feel about cruelty to farm animals. (SHOW) 0h 0m I’m doing what I can. It’s so much more expensive to shop this way that I’ve had to take some other things out of my cart. (O)
10/15 “We need to learn to be more civil to each other.” (SHOW) 0h 0m ’Nuf said. (O)
10/15 “I also think this is very rude, so don’t do it to me anymore. People say this to me all the time, ‘Do you remember meeting me?’ And then they go, ‘What’s my name?’ ” (SHOW) 0h 0m Okay. I can’t imagine it’ll ever come up, though. (O)
10/15 “Ask yourself this, Are you rude?” (SHOW) 0h 0m I’ve gotten 100 percent better about not using my cell phone when I am ordering coffee! (O)
10/15 “Be more gracious to everybody.” (SHOW) 0h 0m Why, thank you for this advice! I appreciate it! (O)
10/19 “Read the article. Such a great article.” (SHOW) 0h 10m Halle Berry article on Esquire.com.
10/21 Read My Stroke of Insight by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. (SHOW) 16.47 4h 0m Oprah said to do this if we have a family member who had a stroke. I have.