Slowly, she nodded. “I just needed some space.”
Though she likely hadn’t intended them to, her words wounded him. “Don’t do that again.” He kept his tone curt. “If you don’t want to be with me, then grab one of the others.”
Eyes wide, she stared. “What’s wrong with you?”
He almost abandoned the idea then and there. After all, with the undercover assignment still hanging over him, he couldn’t come out and declare his undying love right now. There were so many intricate layers and he knew it could all come crashing down around him at any moment. “I’m not going to pretend Liam isn’t mine.”
“You don’t know that for sure,” she replied, but her protest sounded weak.
“I still want a DNA test. As soon as possible. I have to know.”
“That’s fine.” She swallowed. “But please, for the sake of decorum, can we wait to even discuss this until after the funeral tomorrow? I really don’t want to hit Drew’s parents with this just yet, even though they clearly already figured out Liam isn’t Drew’s.” Her small smile faltered, though she tried. “Actually, I hate to prove them right.”
He thought of the way the Rowsons had treated her and Liam. “I have to agree with you on that.”
“Good.” She went back to shuffling through paperwork. When he didn’t move or leave, she glanced up at him, brow raised. “What?”
“I still want to talk about us,” he said, refusing to feel awkward. “We made love, Eva.”
“I know.” Again the fleeting ghost of a smile. “I was there.”
“That changes things.”
Her eyes flashed. “Does it? I’m sorry, but I don’t see how.”
Again, the pain, like a knife to his heart.
About to respond, he made himself consider. Because, in a way, she was right. She’d asked him to leave the motorcycle club and he’d refused. Because he couldn’t. Not only that, but his entire presence in her life had been one giant falsehood. And he was utterly and completely tired of living that lie.
He wanted her. He needed her as badly as he needed air to breathe. But he’d taken an oath as an ATF officer and he had to see this thing through. Hopefully by the time that had been accomplished, there’d still be something left to save. There had to be. Because he didn’t know how he could go on without her.
“You’re right,” he finally conceded. “I’m guessing we just need to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
Part of him hoped she’d deny that, say something along the lines of why couldn’t they continue to have a physical relationship at least. Though he knew that would be wrong, he’d take whatever part of her that she was willing to give.
“I guess so,” she replied, squelching that hope. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get cleaned up. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow, with the funeral and everything. Would you mind letting me know when that amazing-looking dinner is ready?”
He could only nod. There seemed to be nothing else he could say.
* * *
The day of the funeral dawned appropriately overcast with a threat of rain coming in from the south. Almost if even now, Drew Rowson made sure to direct the weather to what he found appropriate.
Shaking off a particularly strong bit of melancholy, Eva continued getting dressed. In a way, this funeral wasn’t only to memorialize the death of her husband, but also the end of her marriage and all the hopes and dreams she’d once had. Though they’d died a slow, painful death over the last few years, today would be the day they were finally laid to rest along with Drew.
Smoothing down her black dress, Eva chose a pair of low-heeled pumps. She eyed herself in the mirror. With her diamond studs and subdued necklace, she looked nothing like the wild biker chick the local news station had been showing. After the third time they’d run the story, she’d had to turn the TV off. She could only imagine what Drew’s parents must have thought if they’d seen it. Since she hadn’t heard from them at all, she suspected they had.
Hearing a knock on her bedroom door, she opened it to Jesse and tried not to stare. Jesse in faded jeans and a tight T-shirt was one thing. Jesse in a dark blue suit that looked as if it had been tailor-made for him was something else entirely.
“You look nice,” she managed, her mouth dry. How this man could, even now on the day of her husband’s funeral, affect her so strongly, she’d never understand.
Her comment made him smile that slow, sexy smile that sent heat straight to her belly. “So do you. We clean up well, don’t we?”
Before she could answer, her father appeared. Like Jesse, he also wore a dark suit, though his was charcoal with pinstripes. He’d even made an attempt to slick back his unruly gray hair. “Ready to go?” he boomed, clapping Jesse on the back and peering at his daughter with a trace of worried concern.
“I am,” she answered, summoning up a weary sort of smile. “But before we do, I just want to say thank you. Having you here with me and supporting me means the world.”
Raul kissed her cheek, clearly pleased. Jesse simply dipped his chin in acknowledgment of her words. She forced herself not to let her gaze linger on him, choosing instead to rummage in her purse for her car keys.
“Will you drive?” she asked him, holding up the keys. He nodded, taking them from her without another word.
They rode in silence to downtown Anniversary, turning right on Ninth Street. When they reached the funeral home, the sight of the black hearse and limos made her breath catch in her chest.
“It’s going to be okay, sweetheart.” Raul patted her hand. “I’m right here.”
She nodded. There were already a few other cars in the parking lot, even though the memorial service wasn’t for another hour. She and Drew’s parents had been asked to come early.
Once Jesse parked, the three of them walked into the somber but elegant lobby of the funeral home. A tall, gaunt man wearing a suit that clung to his bones greeted them and directed them to the proper area.
Eva’s heart sank when she saw that Ted and Beth Rowson had already arrived. They were deep in conversation with Jeremy Blackenstock, who hurried over the instant he caught sight of her. She could have sworn he appeared relieved to see her.
“There you are,” he said, his dulcet tones conveying the right mix of sympathy and comfort. “How are you holding up?”
Dragging her gaze away from her in-laws, who were both shooting hostile glares toward her, she focused on Jeremy. “I’m doing okay.”
“Glad to hear it.” He cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable. “Drew’s parents are requesting changes to the service. Even though I’ve told them we couldn’t accommodate their requests at this late hour, I’m afraid they are very insistent.”
Her jaw had begun to ache from clenching it so tightly. “I’m sorry. Please ignore them. They have no business trying to change things. I’ve already informed them that everything has been handled.”
If anything, Jeremy’s discomfort seemed to increase. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and tugged on his collar. “They brought a preacher,” he said. “He apparently believes he’s going to—”
“No.” Tamping down irritation mixed with anger, Eva shook her head. “Where is he? I’ll have a word with him.”
“He’s in the other room, going over his notes.” Jeremy glanced back at the Rowsons, who continued to glare. “I’ve never had this happen before.”
“I’m so sorry.” Drama of any kind was the last thing she needed or wanted. Especially now, on today of all days. She knew the press would be covering the service, and she doubted Ted and Beth would welcome any unfavorable coverage. “I’ll speak to them, as well.”
Relief flashed across Jeremy’s normally composed face. “Thank you.” He moved away, heading toward the front entrance where his staff member greeted arrivals.
Jesse leaned close, a big, handsome man w
earing a well-fitting suit. “If having a preacher gives his parents some peace, what does it matter? Drew’s gone, but I’m thinking he was close to his mother and father. Surely he’d want you to do whatever brought them comfort.”
Stunned, she stared at him. Because he was right. She’d just have to figure out a way to mesh what she’d planned with their vision.
“Thank you,” she told Jesse softly, wishing she had the right to kiss him, right then and right there. “I’ll speak to the preacher and have him coordinate his talk with the ones I have planned.”
Once she’d gotten Preacher Miller with Lori—who, armed with her clipboard, was in charge of coordinating everything—and brought Jeremy up to speed, she made her way over to talk to Ted and Beth.
Beth eyed her, appearing slightly apprehensive, while Ted seemed only weary. Grief lay heavily on both their shoulders.
“I’ve asked Preacher Miller to coordinate with the other speakers,” Eva said. “I’m so glad you were able to have your own preacher come to help with the service.”
Ted nodded. “He’s a good man.”
Eva nodded, searching for something else she could say. When Beth reached out and touched her arm, she started.
“Thank you,” Beth said, her eyes filling with tears. “Having Preacher Miller speak words of comfort means a lot to us.”
Eva pulled the older woman in for a quick hug. “Let’s go get set up. People will begin arriving soon and we’ll need to be ready to greet them.”
She turned and walked back into the other room, sure Drew’s parents were right behind her.
The service went off beautifully. The news reporters were respectful and quiet and stayed near the back of the room. The packed room contained not only politicians, but other attorneys and judges who’d worked with Drew over the years, as well as many people who’d made the long drive from Drew’s hometown. Eva kept her head down, the closed casket making it easier. She might not have loved him, but she still couldn’t believe his life had been taken so violently and so soon.
After, she and her father and Jesse rode with Ted and Beth in the first two limos to the cemetery. All the other mourners followed behind. Once they were all gathered under the green tent, the preacher said a few more words and they each placed a white rose on the casket before it was lowered into the earth.
Drained and numb, Eva sat in a folding chair and watched. Glad of her dark sunglasses, she watched Beth sob in Ted’s arms and hoped the other woman didn’t wonder why Eva hadn’t cried.
The ride back to the funeral home felt endless. Sitting next to Jesse, hip to hip, knee to knee, she would have given much to have had the right to turn to him for comfort. Of course, she couldn’t, so she sat staring straight ahead.
Finally, with Jesse driving and Raul in the back seat, she returned home. Raul immediately disappeared to his room, saying he needed to change.
Jesse, clearly sensing her mood, stayed out of her way, though he remained with her.
She took to prowling from room to room, not sure what she hoped to find. The sharp staccato sound of her heels echoing in the big empty house matched the emptiness inside her. Engaged in a silent struggle, she ached to turn to Jesse for comfort but knew that wouldn’t be fair to him.
More than anything, she missed her son. Liam’s joyful little laugh and fierce hugs would have gone a long way toward making her feel alive again. Instead, the gray cloud of doom had settled around her, leaching all the brightness and light from the world.
If she knew a magic spell that would help disperse it, she’d say it.
Now, she felt as if she stepped in quicksand and was sinking. It would be only a matter of time before she disappeared completely. If the men searching for the missing three million dollars didn’t kill her first. She couldn’t let that happen, because Liam needed her.
Shaking her head, she tried telling herself to snap out of it. While that hadn’t helped in the past and most likely wouldn’t now, she hated this perceived weakness inside herself.
A plan of action. That’s what she needed. Except she had no idea what Drew might have done with the money. If she couldn’t find it, she would be screwed.
She decided to act as if the police or the FBI would catch the caller or find the money or whatever. Once they’d taken care of the threat, she could go on with figuring out a way to regain her life.
When all this was behind her, the first thing she would do would be to sell this house. The place was too big and pretentious and had never truly felt like home. She’d move somewhere smaller, maybe down in the Hill Country west of Austin. That way she’d be closer to her father, but away from Anniversary with all its small-town ways and memories.
She’d start over in her new life as a single mom and maybe finally figure out who she was meant to be. If Jesse crept into her thoughts here, she firmly pushed him away. As long as he chose the BOS over her, she and he had no future together. If he wanted to be a part of Liam’s life, it would have to be on her terms.
Of course, she wouldn’t deny him. Liam would need a father figure.
“Are you okay?” Jesse’s deep voice startled her out of her reverie.
Too tired to lie, she shook her head. “No. I’m not.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
Make love to me. The desire sprang up, irrational and strong, blazing like a fire through her sluggish blood. She almost said the words out loud. Almost. Instead, she swallowed them back, stuffing them down into the deepest part of herself, hoping they would stay there.
“Thank you for asking.” She summoned up a polite, impersonal smile that she knew matched the emptiness in her eyes.
Jesse had removed his jacket. He studied her quietly, his broad shoulders filling out his crisp white shirt. “Come here,” he said, his voice gruff as he held out his arms.
Heaven help her, but she walked right into them as if there’d been an invisible rope between them and he’d given it a tug.
As he held her, she felt the warmth begin to flow back into her limbs. She could smell the faint, familiar scent of his cologne, the same mint and musk that he’d always worn. He didn’t speak, didn’t try to ask her questions or attempt to fix whatever her problem might turn out to be. Instead, he simply offered the comfort of his touch.
Blinking back tears, she wondered how his embrace could still mean so much to her, especially since she no longer had the faintest idea who she really was.
CHAPTER 12
When Eva stepped back from his embrace, letting her go felt a hundred times more difficult than it should have been. Jesse turned away, hoping he could manage to tamp down his arousal before she noticed. Hell of a thing, wanting to make love to the widow the day of her husband’s funeral. Only the fact that it had never been a real marriage kept him from feeling like a total tool.
“Hey, you two.” Raul sauntered into the kitchen. He’d already changed out of his suit into his usual jeans, T-shirt and motorcycle boots. “How about we go for a ride? Might help clear some of the melancholy.”
“Great idea,” Jesse replied. “I need a minute to change.”
Eva didn’t move. “You two go on without me. The last thing I need is the media reporting on the biker woman rumbling around town after her husband’s burial.”
Though disappointment clouded his face, Raul shrugged. “Suit yourself. Jesse, I’ll meet you out front. I’ll talk to one of the guys and have them keep an extra close eye on things while you’re gone.”
Jesse nodded and hurried upstairs to change. He didn’t dare look at Eva. He knew if he did, he’d feel compelled to try to talk her into going. He knew as well as she did how much a ride in the fresh air and the country could improve one’s mood.
After he changed and headed out to the garage, Eva was nowhere in sight. Both Shorty and Patches had joined Raul in the driveway, their bikes gleaming.
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br /> “Rusty and Baloo will keep an eye on things,” Raul said, raising his voice to be heard over the rumble of his motor.
Jesse nodded, wheeling his own Harley out of the garage. As he did, he couldn’t keep from eyeing Eva’s bike, parked in the garage.
“It’s a damn shame,” Raul commented, noting where Jesse looked. “I didn’t raise her to be ashamed of who she is.”
“I’m not sure she’s ashamed.” Why he felt compelled to defend her, he wasn’t sure. “I think it’s more that she doesn’t want to draw any unwarranted attention.”
Lowering his sunglasses, Raul stared at him. “Whatever,” he finally said. “Ready to rumble?”
The other two revved their engines in answer. Jesse climbed on board, started his bike and followed them.
As usual, people noticed when they roared down Main Street. Jesse had to wonder why people acted as if they’d never seen a motorcycle before. They all stared and some of them even shielded their children, as if they feared they’d be attacked. Since he knew the Brothers of Sin were involved in illegal activity, Jesse guessed they were probably used to it. As for him, it still stung.
They hit the back roads outside town and continued north. The farther they traveled, the more uneasy Jesse felt. While he trusted Rusty and Baloo, he didn’t feel comfortable without his eyes on Eva.
Finally, Raul pulled over on the edge of a country road. “What do y’all think? Should we keep riding or head back?”
Of course, Shorty and Patches voted to continue on.
“I’m going to go on back to the house,” Jesse said. “If the rest of you want to enjoy the day out here in nature, I’ll leave you to it.”
Raul frowned. He checked his watch. “It is getting late. You’re probably right. We shouldn’t leave Eva alone for so long, especially on the day of Drew’s burial.”
Though Shorty and Patches grimaced, they didn’t argue with their leader.
With Raul in the lead, they turned their bikes around and headed back the way they’d come.
It seemed to take forever to get back to Eva’s subdivision. When they finally made it through the gate and pulled up in her driveway, Jesse fought the urge to hop off and run for the house to make sure she was okay.
Harlequin Romantic Suspense January 2021 Page 61