“No!” Kristy shouted. She wished the boys had another way to fight alongside them. She wished they could use the swords. But a lot would have to change for that to happen. Then Kristy remembered what Lillibop had told her back in the tree house tugboat. No one could shine on the outside if they didn’t feel it on the inside. Change had to come from within.
Kristy had an idea. A great idea. “Boys, listen to me!”
But the twins were busy arguing about who got to sit on which candy rock. They didn’t even notice Kristy was trying to get their attention.
“Guys, lirsen to Krrrrrrithy!” Penn yelled at the top of his lungs. As soon as he said the words, his lips began to turn back to the normal pink color that they had originally been. Could it be true?
“Your lips!” Kristy pointed. “They’re… unmonstering!”
“What? How?!” Penn touched his mouth. He smiled.
“I know how.” Kristy took Penn by his shoulders. “Remember when you let me read the map?”
“And my ear stopped buzzing!”
Penn and Kristy were now completely in sync. “By listening and supporting others, men can unmonster!”
Landon wrinkled his nose. “That doesn’t sound that fun.”
“Neither does wiping your butt, but you learned how to do it!” Kristy blurted. Then all the females froze in grossified fear. “You did learn how do to that, right?”
The boys all chimed in. “Yes.” “Of course.” “We’re not total monsters.”
“Hey, your head is back,” Brandon noted.
Perfect timing, Kristy thought. She raised her fire sword into the air triumphantly. “And once you unmonster, you can use our fire swords!”
Brandon jumped to his feet. “I like your idea. Let’s try it.” As soon as he said it, his eyebrows and nose shrank back down to human size. “Whoa. How else can we work together?”
“Well, we need more fire swords!” Kristy bit her lip. She scanned the top of the cave and spotted a small grouping of Chili Candy Canes poking down from the ceiling. But they were really high up. “Human pyramid! Brandon, you and Jackelion are the biggest. You form a base.”
“How dare you,” Jackelion complained as she took her place.
“Landon and X, you stand on their backs and lift me up.” Kristy stepped up and into their grip. As they hoisted her up, Landon’s ugly monster paws changed back into strong human hands.
“It’s working!” he cried.
But the candies were still out of reach.
“Okay, Penn, you climb up our backs!”
Penn was nervous. That was pretty high up.
“Don’t worry, dude, we got you,” said Brandon, causing his feet and neck to unmonster.
Penn climbed up onto Jackelion and Brandon, over Landon and X, up next to Kristy, and then, balancing himself against the wall of the cave, onto her shoulders. Penn reached his blue paw up toward the Chili Candy Canes, but they were still just out of reach. Frustration coursed through his body. “Arrrghhhh!” he growled and banged on the wall of the cave, sending the whole human pyramid teetering. Everyone shrieked in fear.
Once they regained their balance, Kristy spoke to him in a calm voice. “Penn, it’s okay to be mad. Everyone gets mad. But use your words, not your fists, or we’re all gonna break our necks.”
“I’m mad that I can’t reach it. And… I’m jealous that everyone else has unmonstered except me. And… and… I miss my mom.”
“I’m sorry, buddy,” said Landon.
“We miss our mom, too,” said Brandon, now fully back to the black-haired boy he used to be. Penn felt sweaty and a little light-headed. But in a good way, like after a long race.
He felt the cool wetness of the cave walls as his paws unmonstered and turned into hands. His shoulders unmonstered. And he could stretch more. He took a deep breath and reached the last few inches… and he got them! The cluster of Chili Candy Canes fell down into his arms. The magic could begin.
Once each boy had a fire sword in his freshly unmonstered hands, they were ready to go. The gang ran back out into the chaos, but this time they were united as a team. Too bad it was a total mess. In the time they’d been in the cave, the Forest of Candy had been almost demolished. There were pieces of broken, scorched candy everywhere. The entire place looked like a melted rainbow and smelled like toasted marshmallow.
Grabagorn Prime was sitting in the center of the Hot Fudge Bog, breathing heavily. Apparently, growing massively was exhausting. Kristy saw it as the perfect opportunity to trick him.
“Do you still have that fishing net, Penn?” Kristy asked, poking his satchel. “The one Lillibop gave you?”
“Of course.” Penn shrugged. “It’s the most important part of any trap.”
“Good.” The boys listened as Kristy explained her idea: They would all sneak up on Grabagorn Prime—from different directions but at the same time. Then they would poke him with their fire swords to distract him. While Grabagorn Prime was dealing with his tiny burns, Kristy and Penn would throw the net over him and secure him down.
“Okay, on three…” Kristy called out to the troops. “One… two…” Everyone held their fire swords at the ready. “THREE!”
The Rainbow Knights charged, whooping and hollering “Pancakes for dinner!” (which was also their battle cry) as they jabbed Grabagorn Prime with their flaming weapons. The boys joined in, following the girls’ lead this time.
“Ouch!” Grabagorn Prime wailed. “That stings! Stop it!” He swatted them away but was far too slow. The net was already over him. Kristy was surprised at how easy it was to hold the giant beast down. Maybe Grabagorn Prime wasn’t so strong, after all.
“Well done!” Queen Lorianna cheered. She looked straight at Kristy and smirked. “Maybe Gregg will finally calm down now that he’s been swaddled.” Lorianna shook her head at Grabagorn Prime and sighed. “You big baby!”
The Rainbow Knights giggled and congratulated one another on the victory, but they kept their grip firmly on the net. There was no way they were going to risk letting him get away. They held their ground, standing tall and proud of themselves. Kristy felt energy coursing through her whole body and knew she was as solid as she’d ever been. She caught Penn’s eye across the net, and they smiled at each other like kids in a candy forest.
Even though everyone was celebrating, there was still something wrong. The queen was pacing back and forth. She looked nervous. Penn and the Rainbow Knights watched as Lorianna took a small step toward Grabagus and his father, Grabagruff. She had tears in her eyes.
But Queen Lorianna didn’t seem sad. She was hopeful. “Jonavan. Marcus. Don’t you remember me at all? Won’t you try and unmonster? For me?”
“Mother?” Marcus said, unsure. He searched his father’s eyes for the truth.
Grabagruff nodded. It was true. Queen Lorianna the Wobbly was, indeed, his mother. They had been a family once upon a time.
“But it’s too late for me!” Marcus cried, collapsing onto the ground. “I’m already all monster. I can’t turn back.”
“I don’t think that’s true anymore,” said the queen, reaching her arms toward her son. “I have seen such a display of courage and growth in all of you. You are not the same as the Grabagorns we left behind. You boys—and girls—can choose to be whoever you want to be. Yes, it might be hard. It might take a little time. But it’s possible… if it’s important to you.”
The boy and his father shared a knowing look. Of course they wanted to try. They’d spent far too long away from her as it was.
“You got this, guys!” Kristy cheered. She gave her section of the net over for X to hold and ran over to the queen’s men. Kristy knew she could help put them back together again. She held up both her hands and gave them the biggest smile. “High five if you want to turn back?”
Marcus and Jonavan hesitated. As they left her hanging, Kristy felt someone walk up and stand by her side. It was Penn.
“You can do it, Marcus,” Penn said.
/> Suddenly, they brought their hands up to meet Kristy’s. Then the father and son looked at each other and high-fived. Kristy’s heart swelled as she watched Marcus and Jonavan walk toward the queen. With each step the two took, their feet began to change. They were becoming men again!
Penn and the twins sprang into action. They went around and showed the rest of the Grabagorns ways that they could try to unmonster, too. The sound of high fives echoed like applause. Everyone was becoming one team again.
Kristy was amazed at the transformations. Each time a Grabagorn changed back, it was like he was remembering who he was. The men smiled and laughed and even hugged. But somehow they all still had random blue tufts of hair on their bodies. “What’s up with the blue hair?” Kristy asked.
“Ah, yes.” The queen nodded knowingly. “That’s because the monster is always inside. We don’t have to destroy it.… We just have to learn to tame it. Are you all willing to learn to do that?”
The men agreed—they would love to learn something new. Taming their inner monster seemed like the perfect place to start. But there was one Grabagorn who didn’t like the idea.
“Not me! Not ever!” Grabagorn Prime wrestled with his net. “In fact, I want to become even more of a monster!”
“Well, there’s only one way to do that.” Lillibop held out a Red Sugar Dot. “This candy will turn you into a monster forever. If you eat this, there’s no going back.”
“GIVE IT TO ME!” Grabagorn Prime reached his claw through the net and snatched it out of Lillibop’s palm. He tossed it into his mouth. A moment passed, but nothing happened. “Did it work? Am I a monster forever?” As he talked, his voice got higher and his body began to shrink. “Why is that rock getting bigger? Wait a minute, why do I feel so cute all of a sudden?” He became smaller and smaller, until he was the size of a little Grabagorn doll.
“Oh, it worked.” Lillibop scooped him up into her hands and smirked.
“You lied to me!”
“If protecting all of Greemulax makes her a liar,” Kristy said, “then call her a gorgeous golden-spaghetti-haired liar.”
“Ooooh.” Turdgon skipped over and poked the teensy Grabagorn. His angry barks now sounded high-pitched and cute. “Look, a pet!” Lillibop passed the little monster over to Turdgon, who tied a tiny bow in his blue fur.
“Grandma, do women ever have blue fur?” Penn asked.
“Ugh, sweetheart, are you kidding me? You should see my armpits!”
They all laughed.
When the queen announced that it was time to go home, nobody argued. They had a lot of rebuilding to do. “Kristy? Penn? Would you two do me the honor of riding home in my trolley?” Lorianna smiled. “You too, Lillibop. Come ride with your grandson.”
Everyone piled in and sat down. Penn sat between his best friend, Kristy, and his grandmother. “Trolley!” the queen ordered. “Go home! To Northwest Greemulax.”
“Got it. Purchasing ‘For Best CHEESY SNAX’!” the trolley chirped and took off into the brilliant sunset.
Some things never change, thought Kristy. But a lot of stuff can.
As the sunlight streamed in through the open window and warmed his face, Penn thought about how lucky he felt. In NoWeGreem (the new Northwest Greemulax), there was no Garate practice, which left time for school. But real school, with teachers and textbooks, instead of Grabacoach and cave drawings. Penn was learning all sorts of new, fascinating things.
Today, Penn sat cross-legged on a purple velvet pillow with his eyes closed. He concentrated on Turdgon’s soothing voice. “And another deep breath in through your nose… and exhale through your mouth… and when you’re ready, open your eyes.”
Penn blinked himself back to the room and was greeted by the warm, happy faces of his friends: Kristy, Marcus, Landon, Brandon, and a new friend called Maria. She was good at math and had the best laugh. Everyone laughed a lot more now that they were all together.
“Today’s topic, children, is something called mindfulness,” Turdgon explained. He put a flourish on the end of each sentence. Now that he was a teacher, Turdgon felt like he was giving an important performance every single day. “That means you take the time to notice the moment you are in and to enjoy it.”
Penn didn’t think he’d have a hard time with this one. Ever since the Grand Unmonstering, he had spent every day feeling pretty good.
Turdgon flipped his scarf over his shoulder. “Also, mindfulness can mean that we all think about our actions and stuff, you know? Why don’t we go around and say how we are going to practice mindfulness. Kristy, go ahead.”
“Thanks, Turgs!” Kristy smiled. Her sunny demeanor had become even brighter these days. “I vow to be mindful by always speaking my truth! Like, if I understand how I feel—even if I’m angry—it totally helps to tell someone instead of burying my feelings. Then I can stay solid and bright—and keep my head—all the time!” Her eyes glittered.
“Very good, very good.” Turdgon nodded.
Penn went next. “Every day, I am mindful that I have the power to tame the monster inside me! I just have to be aware of my inner Grabagorn and not let him take over.”
Turdgon was pleased enough with this. “Good, children, yes, yes…” he said, walking over to the corner of the room. A small stage with red velvet curtains had been set up. “Now that we’ve talked about that, I think it’s time for some theater! Who wants a part in my new play, Pudding on the Ritz! A Musical by Turdgon A. Puddingman?”
Obviously, everyone did.
A commotion outside caught their attention, and the students all rushed to the window. Penn saw Gregg being chased by one of Lillibop’s cats.
“Okay, children, the Gregg and cat show is over. Time for my show! Penn, could you bring that heavy chest of costumes over here?” Turdgon squealed with delight. “Because I… don’t want to.”
“No problem!” Penn replied. “I might not have monster arms anymore, but I’m still pretty strong.” But as Penn bent down and lifted the chest up, his arms turned blue. Penn dropped the chest to the floor in a panic. As soon as he did, his arms turned back to normal.
“Oh, that,” Turdgon said with a wave of his hand. “That happens to me all the time. It’s the only way I can open my mayonnaise jars. So it’s not all bad! Just control the monster, and you’ll be fine. Now bring the costumes over! I have a fringe shawl I want to try on you.”
“Do you want some help, Penn?” Kristy offered. She knew now that strength and support went both ways. It wasn’t just a boys-supporting-girls thing. It was an everyone-supporting-one-another thing. She also knew that she had both good and bad inside her, too. And every day was a new chance to choose to do good.
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I could not have for realsies written this without the help of Sarah Mlynowski and Gillian Berrow. Thanks to Farrin Jacobs, Sam Means, Meredith Scardino, and Pam Gruber for all the notes you slipped into my backpack. And even though I loved my original cover and art, I’m grateful to Brandon Dorman for making my characters come to life—without ever tracing!
Special thanks to my agent, Jacqueline White. She wasn’t a huge supporter until someone else was interested, but she figured out the contracts, so contractually I have to thank her. Also a big “shout-out” to all my exclamation points!!!!! I could not have done this without you, guys!!!!!
I also couldn’t have done it without these nice people from my publisher and beyond: Reagan Arthur, Emily Ashcraft, Rick Ball, Danielle Cantarella, Jackie Engel, Jen Graham, Karina Granda, Sasha Illingworth, Hannah Milton, Marisa Finkelstein, Samantha Shanker, Erin Slonaker, Megan Tingley
, and Ruiko Tokunaga. High fives to you all.
And of course thanks to Titus, Lillian, Cyndee, Gretchen, and Donna Maria, for always helping me take it ten seconds at a time.
Eric Leibowitz/Netflix/Universal Television
Kimberly Cougar Schmidt was born on a roller coaster during a tornado alert. She was the top-rated babysitter in Durnsville, Indiana, from 1997 until March 1998, when some stuff happened. In 2015 she appeared on the Today Show! Kimmy got her GED and went on to not graduate with a degree in philosophy from Columbia University (not to be confused with Columbia House, which is big enough to bring you all the best in entertainment). When not enjoying candy for dinner, Kimmy can be found smiling and going outside. She is also working on engineering a device that would make it possible for humans to high-five squirrels. She lives in New York City with her friends and her pet horse, Horse-o the Giant Dog. This is her first book! She is not garbage.
The Legends of Greemulax Page 9