In vain, Keith tried to remain stoic, but his heart felt both sorrow and joy. Everything he wanted, everything that was so precious, was within his reach, and he could not declare it. He had to remain a silent observer.
This went against his nature. Keith did not know how to resolve this dilemma without someone important in his life getting hurt.
The truth shall set you free.
Keith knew he had to come clean if he was going to stay sane. He couldn’t keep this lie to himself for the rest of his life. He couldn’t pretend that he was not a father. However, Trey was young and impressionable. He would find it hard to understand how his uncle was now his dad, and his father was now his uncle.
But on the other hand, Trey was young enough to adapt. Keith couldn’t imagine waiting until Trey was a teenager to break the news—news that could cause irrevocable damage.
How could he not step up and claim him? Every child deserved to know where he or she came from. Yet how could he destroy his brother’s life? Keith looked at his brother and his son. The truth would hurt both of them in some way. How could he choose?
Torn apart, Keith traipsed out of the room. He found the chapel and headed to the front pew. His conscience battled him. Keith remembered the Bible that Gina had given to him. He considered getting it but waved the thought aside. He felt too sullied and too unworthy to even open the good book. However, he could talk to God. Terence and Colleen had assured him that he could, and Keith clung to that hope with every fiber of his being.
Releasing his tears, Keith could not even find the words to say to God. Thoughts rushed at him, but his quicksilver tongue was silenced by the harsh reality of his actions. He had slept with his brother’s wife. A couple days before Gina had pledged her eternity to Michael, she’d given herself to him. They had created a child, who was now ill, without a donor.
The guilt weighed him down. His conscience attacked him, granting him no reprieve.
Keith felt as if God was punishing Trey because of his misdeeds. He was a terrible, ruthless reprobate, but Trey shouldn’t pay for that. “Please, God. Hurt me instead. Take your wrath out on me, but spare my son.” Keith was too overcome to say anything else.
God loves you.
Keith turned his head and looked around the room. He was so distraught that he hadn’t heard anyone enter. Feeling embarrassed, Keith looked around the vestibule. There was no one there. But he heard the persistent sound again.
God loves you.
The powerful sentiment was a ubiquitous presence, resonating through his heart and echoing in his ears. It felt like a loud crescendo lifting him out of the mire of sorrow he had spun. Then it became a smooth, calming thought that soothed his entire being.
Keith felt comforted. He felt awed. God’s Holy Spirit had spoken to him. At that moment, though he did not know how, Keith knew everything would work itself out.
Chapter Twelve
If Michael responded with “Just have a lot on my mind,” one more time, Gina was going to scream!
Something was wrong. She sensed it. But each time she’d asked him, he’d assured her that he was fine. Gina didn’t know how to interpret Michael’s sudden, aloof demeanor of the past two days.
At the breakfast table that morning, she’d voiced her concerns. “Michael, I can’t pinpoint it, but your concern seems somewhat . . . forced. Our conversations—when you do talk to me—are stilted, and I can’t help but feel as if you’re keeping something from me. You’re usually up-front with me, and it’s not like you to keep anything from me.”
He looked like he’d been about to say something but he must have changed his mind. Instead, he’d said, “I’m going to the hospital. Are you coming?”
“I have a quick errand to run, but I’ll meet you there.” Gina felt guilty for lying, but going alone to the hospital was ten times better than sitting in a car with Michael and enduring his silence.
As soon as she heard Michael’s car pull out of the driveway, Gina dialed Colleen’s cell phone.
Colleen answered mid-ring. “You’re going to live a long time, because I was just thinking about you. I just picked up the phone to call you to find out if there was any update on Trey’s condition.”
“No,” Gina sighed. “However, no news is good news.”
“So what’s up?” Colleen inquired. “I can tell from your tone that something is bothering you. Talk to me.”
“It’s Michael.” She needed to express her sentiments aloud to make sure that she was not being paranoid or supersensitive. This was an emotional time for everyone. Gina wanted to make sure that she was not overreacting.
“Okay,” Colleen replied. “Give me more, or this is going to be a long, drawn-out conversation. I’m looking at the clock, and we have about an hour before the twins wake up, so get to talking, girl.”
“I think something is bothering him, and I am not sure what.” Gina twisted in her chair. Her position was as awkward as the conversation.
“Well, his son is in a hospital with a deadly disease. I think that’s a valid reason for him to be bothered.”
“Colleen, I know all that. I can’t put my finger on it, but it is more than that. It’s the feeling I get when he is around. He pulled a disappearing act the day before yesterday. At first I attributed it to all this stress, but he has been acting odd around me. He looks at me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, and it’s freaking me out.”
“Have you asked him about it?” Colleen said.
Gina nodded, though Colleen could not see her, and replied in a dejected tone, “Yes and his reply is that he’s got a lot on his mind. Then he changes the subject. I’m walking on eggshells. I can’t sleep because I don’t know what is going on. He’s like a brick wall.” She leaned into the phone to hear Colleen’s words.
“You should confront him. It could very well be nothing. You sometimes get too tuned in to people’s moods. He feels helpless because there’s nothing he can do for Trey. Men take that much harder than we do.”
“Colleen . . .” Gina lowered her voice, even though there was no one around to hear her conversation. “Do you think he’s found out about Keith and me? That’s the only thing I can think of.”
“I don’t think so. Michael strikes me as the kind of man who would go ahead and have it out with you about it. It’s your own guilt causing you to see things that aren’t there.”
Gina couldn’t let it go. “I think it’s possible that he knows, but he’s trying to play it cool for Trey.” Her stomach was in knots. She did not want to consider the magnitude of Michael’s hurt and wrath toward her and his brother if he found out.
“I think you’re paranoid and worried about nothing.”
“I just have this feeling. Call it instinct,” Gina insisted.
“What does Keith say?” Colleen asked.
“I haven’t spoken to him. I did call him, but he has not returned my calls. He’s pulled a disappearing act.”
“Now, that I find unusual. When it comes to you, Keith drops everything.”
Gina didn’t even bother denying Colleen’s words, because her friend spoke the truth. “That’s another reason why I’m beside myself right now.” Gina fought to keep a sob out of her voice. “Neither one of them is acting right, and that has me rattled.”
“Stop worrying about those men.” Colleen’s voice held an edge of frustration. “Focus on your child.”
“I’ve tried, but they’re my family, Colleen. Other than you, they’re all I have.”
Colleen tried to reassure her some more, but once they hung up the phone, Gina realized the conversation with Colleen had done nothing to pacify her doubts. Gina felt like kicking herself. She would not be going through this turmoil if she didn’t have a guilty conscience.
Some would say that it was fair play, but she had to be honest with herself. Michael had cheated on her, but that was no validation for her sleeping with Michael’s brother. Being with Keith had not been about getting even. Michael was the last p
erson on her mind when she made love to Keith. It had been about Gina and Keith expressing their love for each other. Gina sat at her kitchen table and eyed the fruit bowl. She picked up a banana and peeled back its skin. She took a bite. Maybe Keith had been right. He’d pushed for them to tell Michael the truth. If they had done so back then, maybe Michael would have been able to get past it and move on in time. She and Keith would have married, and they would not be in their own private hell, sneaking kisses and touches like high school kids.
Her stomach turned. She couldn’t finish the banana. She tossed the remaining portion into the garbage can, washed her hands, and wiped them on her jeans. Her mind wandered back to the elevator kiss. Gina was still ashamed at her brazenness that night, but a part of her was glad that she had done what she did. She craved Keith’s touch and his lips. Even though five years had passed, her body had never forgotten him, because Gina was still in love with Keith.
She was at it again. Thinking about Keith. Gina cautioned herself to stop. There was no use pining for something that she could not have. There were times when she felt like blurting it all out and hightailing it back to New York and into Keith’s arms. But there was Trey to consider. She could not do that to her son. He needed both his parents, and Gina was not going to mess with his childhood to satisfy her selfish desires. When Trey started school, Gina wanted to be able to check the box that said he lived at home with both parents. Her selfish desires no longer took center stage once she became a parent.
Trey was worth every sacrifice—even the pining of her heart.
Chapter Thirteen
Keith forced his eyes open. His alarm clock was blasting, telling him to get up. Lethargic, he reached over and put the clock out of its misery. He had slept only about four hours.
With an angry grunt, he made himself sit up. He needed to get over to the hospital. He wanted to see Trey. His progeny. He also needed to be present to deflect Michael’s cantankerous disposition as his brother wavered between feelings of love and hate.
The news that he was infertile had to be driving Michael up the wall, and the natural reaction was for Michael to transfer all those emotions right to Gina. But Keith would not allow that. It was not Gina’s fault that Michael was infertile. But it was her fault—well, both their faults—that Trey wasn’t his.
On the other hand, Keith admired Michael’s restraint and deference in the face of what were delicate circumstances. Finding out that you were infertile and that the child you thought of as your son was not your own was no easy dish to be served. Keith could attest that Trey was the sole reason why Michael was trying to be a better man. It was a tough pill to swallow, and Michael had told him as much.
After a quick shower and a small breakfast, Keith drove over to the hospital, arriving just after eight o’clock. On impulse, he decided to enter the chapel on the ground floor. He opened the door to the small vestibule and then sauntered up the aisle to his usual spot in the front pew. There was a Bible on the bench. Its worn pages testified to the many people who’d sought comfort by reading the words.
A bookmark protruded from the book. Keith slid it out to take a look at what was written on it. It was “Footprints in the Sand.” He knew this poem, and at the moment he really appreciated it. Though he was strong and capable, he needed someone. He closed his eyes.
Right at this moment, he felt alone. He wished he had his own woman to talk to right now and give him a little solace. He had dated—and hadn’t been a monk—but he was in love with Gina. He wouldn’t do that to another woman. Keith sighed. He needed to unburden himself, because he was conflicted. He knew that Trey was his son. He didn’t know if he could remain quiet about that for long. He wasn’t the sort of man who would deny his own child.
Keith did not know how he had ended up in this situation.
How? His conscience jeered him.
Okay, he thought. He knew how.
Keith slumped over and clasped his hands. He stayed in that position but couldn’t summon up the words. However, somehow, he felt surrounded by a comforting presence. It was like God was giving him a hug.
Keith stayed in the chapel until Michael texted him.
Where R U?
Downstairs, in the chapel, he texted back.
On my way. With Gina.
Keith met up with Michael and Gina by the elevator. The three of them got on the elevator and went up to the lobby. When they walked out into the lobby, Michael grabbed Keith’s arm, indicating he wanted to talk in private. The two men lingered, allowing Gina to walk ahead so they could talk.
“I’m not going to do it,” Michael confessed. “I’m not going to confront her. Not now. Maybe not ever.”
Keith nodded his assent. “I’m impressed with your decision. Right now Trey is who is important, and I applaud you for being the bigger man.”
After spending the entire day and evening at the hospital playing with Trey, Keith bid farewell to Michael and Gina but not before he grabbed his Bible from the backseat. He felt a strong pull to read God’s Word. He wanted to experience again that closeness that he had felt in the chapel.
When he arrived home, he took care of his nightly ablutions before settling in bed. Keith opened the Bible and scanned the crisp pages. He turned the pages back and forth, unsure of where to begin reading. Finally, he decided to look for a passage that sounded interesting, figuring that since the whole book was from God, it shouldn’t matter what he read. His eyes caught a phrase. “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.” It was from Psalm 56. Curious, Keith decided to read the entire chapter. He read another part that said, “In God I will praise His word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.”
He was hooked. He noticed that there were little italicized letters on the page and, being a quick study, realized that it must be a reference. The reference note read, “Ps. 118:6 and Heb. 13:6.” Keith wondered what on earth Ps. and Heb. were.
Then he chuckled, realizing that they must be books in the Bible. He brought the Bible closer to his eyes, and sure enough that “Ps.” and the “Heb.” had periods at the end, signifying they were abbreviations. Keith thought for a moment. Then a light bulb lit up. He looked at what he called the table of contents at the beginning of the Bible.
Aha! He found it.
“Ps.” stood for “Psalm,” and “Heb.” was Hebrews. There were also page numbers listed, so Keith could find the books. He read the introduction, which revealed that the Bible was divided into two sections: the Old Testament and the New Testament. It was then divided into books, and then into chapters and verses, so that locating scripture would be easier.
Keith laughed at his own ignorance. He appreciated that little introduction, which made navigating the Bible much easier and less daunting. It was obvious that his law degree was of no use here. He was going to need divine assistance.
Keith checked out the rest of the Bible and found a concordance and even topical studies in the back. It was interesting to note that there was a Bible verse for almost everything. He learned that the little numbers by some of the verses meant that there was commentary on those verses below. He knew that he would be absorbed in this book for hours. When he read Psalm 118:6 and Hebrews 13:6, the references there led him on another escapade.
Getting on his knees, Keith prayed a short but earnest prayer. “God, I’m not an expert at praying, but I know you can hear me. I thank you for this Bible. Please open my mind so that I will be able to understand what I’m reading.” Then Keith ended his prayer with, “And, please bless Gina and Michael and Trey. Amen.”
He grabbed a pencil and wrote little notes and questions while he was reading. He was not sure if people wrote on the pages of their Bible, but that was what he had done with his college texts. He was going to purchase a highlighter, as well, so he could mark those verses.
Keith read and studied for hours. He was so engrossed in the Word that it was 4:00 a.m. before he knew it. It was the first time that Keith ha
d been able to put Gina out of his mind.
Before going to sleep, Keith returned to Psalm 118:6. It read, “The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?” Keith reread the verse, liking this man, David, who had been inspired to write the words. He could relate to David because he too was a man who didn’t seem to fear anyone or anything. But there were certain things that were beyond his comprehension, like Trey’s illness. So what that scripture said to Keith was that he needed God on his side and on his son, Trey’s, as well. As long as God was with Trey, Keith would not worry about the outcome.
People’s words and predictions were nothing for God.
Keith knew that if nothing else, he could pray for his son. Feeling a little nervous, because he was still uncertain God would even hear his prayer, Keith slid to his knees. He did not have much to say, but he did say a few heartfelt words. “God, please send a miracle and save my son.”
Chapter Fourteen
Why hasn’t he called?
Maybe Keith saw the futility of their dead-end attraction and was keeping his distance. Gina hated herself for even obsessing over his not calling, but it was so unlike him.
Sitting in her computer room, Gina swiveled in the chair. She creased her brows and bit her bottom lip. It was perplexing. Perhaps Colleen was right. Maybe she was selfish. She couldn’t fault Keith if he decided to move on. That was what she’d urged him to do on so many occasions in the past. She moaned. Deep in the inner recesses of her heart, she admitted that she didn’t want Keith to get over her, not when she didn’t have any realistic hope of ever shaking her addiction to him.
Gina held her chin while she stared at a blank screen on her iMac. Was it her unsolicited kiss in the elevator that had precipitated his sudden elusiveness? Maybe he’d found her brazen action despicable, considering the fact that her son was on his deathbed.
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