"Nice, huh?" he asks.
"Yeah." I sound sad and I'm not sure why.
I have so many conflicting thoughts racing through my head right now. So many conflicting emotions. There's this part of me that wants the life that Silas wants. A life that isn't spent racing a million miles an hour, trying to keep up with the competition, trying to make it to the top. A life that's slower, simpler, and leaves time for things like stargazing on a clear summer night like tonight.
Then there's the other part of me that wants the high-powered job at a big corporation. That life will mean giving up my free time, spending all my time at work. It'll involve sacrifices, like having to move, possibly far away from my family. It'll mean giving up weekends to go into the office or travel for work. It may even mean I won't have time to have a family of my own. I know all this, and yet I've decided this is what I want to do. I want to work hard and be a success, and that means making sacrifices.
But then I lie here looking up at the stars with Silas beside me, and it makes me question everything. I don't like questioning myself. I like to make a decision and stick to it.
"Silas?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever worry about making the wrong decision?"
"About what?"
"Anything."
"No."
"Why not?"'
"Because I know I'll make plenty of wrong decisions in my life. Everyone does. So why worry about it?"
"One wrong decision can change your entire life. It can set you down a completely different path."
"True, but maybe that path was the one you were supposed to be on."
"Then it wouldn't be a wrong decision."
"Depends on how you define 'wrong.' Think about my mom. Some people would say she made the wrong decision by sleeping with some guy she met at a concert after knowing him for less than an hour. She ended up getting pregnant with me, which changed her life from that point forward, but I'm sure if you asked her she wouldn't say she regrets the decision she made that night."
"But what if things don't turn out that well? What if you make the wrong decision and you do regret it?"
"Then you make whatever changes you need to in order to move on. You always have options, Willow."
"I know. I just don't like screwing up. I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing."
He turns on his side, facing me. "Is there a certain thing we're talking about here?"
I think he already knows the answer to that so I'm not going to come out and say it.
"I'm just talking in general." I gaze up at the sky. "The stars are so bright tonight. They're beautiful."
"So are you." He leans down and presses his lips to mine.
I kiss him back, ignoring my brain, which keeps telling me to stop.
He parts my lips with his tongue and takes the kiss deeper as his hand moves up my thigh, under my short skirt. My heart races in anticipation, wanting this more than anything. Any doubts are shoved aside as my urge to be with him wins out. I tug his shirt up. He quickly yanks it off, then kisses me again, his hand returning to my inner thigh and gently squeezing. My body is pleading for him to continue but then a thought pops in my head, telling me to stop. To end this before it gets too far. I quickly shove that thought aside. This feels too good to stop.
His hand moves to the edge of my panties, outlining them with his thumb. Silas likes to take things slow, teasing me until the point I can't take it anymore. I both love and hate this about him. I love that he takes his time and doesn't rush, but I hate waiting, wondering when he'll relieve the throbbing need to feel him inside me.
Finally, he gently, and expertly, slips his hand under my panties. My breath hitches as I feel his fingers slide over my wetness. His magic fingers, as I used to call them. They're still magic, maybe even more so now than before, because within mere minutes, I'm coming undone, breathing hard, grasping the sleeping bag, yelling his name.
I reach down and undo his belt, but in my hurried attempt it gets stuck, so he does it himself, then yanks his jeans down along with his boxer briefs. I kick off my shoes, then shiver as I feel his warm hands on my legs, tugging my panties off.
He lies over me, kissing my neck, then my cheek, then my lips.
"What are we doing?" I whisper, dragging my fingers down his back, loving the feel of his warm body pressed against mine.
"Making one of those wrong decisions," he says between kisses. "But damn, it feels right."
"It does, doesn't it?" I gulp down a breath as he nudges my legs apart.
"I don't have a condom," he whispers, as I feel the tip of him touching me. "Are you still on the pill?"
"Yeah," I whisper back.
He kisses me and then I feel him slowly sink inside me. My mind goes blank as I surrender to the moment, forgetting about the future, about what's right or wrong, about all my doubts and fears. I just immerse myself in this moment and how it feels to be with Silas again. He was my first, and no one has ever compared to him.
When it's over, I feel no regrets. I should, but I don't. I love Silas, so what we did just now doesn't feel wrong. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow when my mind starts analyzing the aftereffects of what we did, but right now, as I lie tucked inside his arms, nothing about this feels wrong.
His arm tightens around me and he kisses my head. "I love you."
I wish he wouldn't say that. I know he loves me, but it's hard to hear those words, knowing there's no future with us.
But Silas has always been that way. He puts it all out there. His feelings. His thoughts. He's always been honest with me. He doesn't play games like some guys do. He's made it clear he wants me back, but he also openly acknowledges that it's probably not going to happen.
I admire him for being so open, so honest. Very few people can do that. I certainly can't. If I were being open and honest, I'd tell him how much I still love him. How I've thought about him every day we were apart. How I've never allowed myself to get emotionally attached to any other guy because my heart won't allow it. It still belongs to Silas, so giving my heart to someone else would feel like a betrayal. That's something I need to get past in order to move on, but I haven't been able to do it yet.
"I wish we could stay here all night," I hear Silas say. We're wrapped in the sleeping bag and I'm all comfy and warm, my body pressed against his, my head on his shoulder.
"If we did, our parents would start planning the wedding."
He laughs. "They'd assume we're back together, but I don't think they'd be planning a wedding. My mom doesn't even believe in marriage."
"Do you?"
"Willow, I proposed to you. I gave you a ring."
"I know, but we were younger then. Maybe you only proposed in order to make sure we didn't break up when I went to college."
"I proposed because you're my best friend and I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I still do."
My eyes tear up and I squeeze them shut. "Silas, you need to stop saying that stuff."
"Why? I'm just telling you how I feel."
"I'd just rather not hear it, okay?"
He doesn't answer, and I wonder if I hurt his feelings by saying that. I hope not. I don't want to hurt him. It's just hard for me to hear him say those things.
Minutes go by. Long, quiet minutes.
I finally break the silence. "We should probably go home. You have to be at work early."
"Yeah." He slips his arm out from under me and sits up. I get up, too, and we find our clothes and get dressed.
On the drive back, Silas says nothing. Back at my house, he walks me to the door and gives me a hug.
"Goodnight, Willow." He releases me and walks away.
"Silas, wait." I run to catch up to him in the driveway.
"Yeah?" He sounds sad and I know I'm the reason for that.
"I need you to know that I don't regret what we did. I don't think it was a mistake. Or a wrong decision. I wanted it. I wanted to be with you like that again."
He looks at me a moment, then kisses my cheek. "Goodnight."
He gets in the truck and drives away. Why was he acting like that? So closed off? So quiet? Reserved? He's always so open, but just now he wasn't.
Maybe tonight was a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't have crossed that line in our friendship. But is that all this is? Or are we becoming more than that?
CHAPTER TEN
Silas
I don't know what we're doing. Willow and me. Are we friends? Or more than that? I want to be more than that but she won't allow it, as evidenced by the fact that she told me to stop telling her I love her.
It hurt when she said that. More than it should have. I know Willow wants to pretend there's nothing between us anymore, but she knows it's a lie. She also knows that I've always been open with her. I tell her what I'm feeling. I don't hold back. And she knows I'm only this way with her.
It's not easy being that open, but I do it because I trust her and because we're friends and because I love her. So to have her cut me off like that, telling me she doesn't want to know how I feel, really bothered me. Maybe because she said it right after we'd just had sex.
What Willow and I did tonight was more than just sex. More than just our bodies coming together. It was us reconnecting after two very long years. Us telling each other how we felt without relying on words. It was intense, both physically and emotionally, and when we were done, there was this moment where I felt she was finally realizing that what we have together is too good to give up. That we'll never find it again with someone else so we need to find a way to make this work.
But instead of saying that, she shut me out. I poured my heart out to her, even admitted I still want to marry her, and she told me she didn't want to hear it.
If I didn't love Willow so much, I'd accept what she said tonight and stop trying to get her back. I'd do as she asked and stop telling her how I feel. But I know that what she's asking for is not what she really wants. It's just her way of avoiding the truth, avoiding having to admit that she feels the same way I do. Because admitting that might mess up the orderly plan she's mapped out for her life.
Willow is all about order and structure. Being with me is too messy and unpredictable, even though I know deep down she craves the excitement that comes with the unexpected.
When she asked me about making wrong decisions, I had this glimmer of hope that I was starting to get through to her. Making her question whether that plan of hers is really what she wants. If that's really what will make her happy. But then when she told me to stop saying I love her, it was clear she was still committed to her plan.
The next day I get to work early and pick out flower seeds from the catalog Carl gave me. I know almost nothing about flowers, but I've spent years at the farmers' market helping my mom at her booth and I've seen what flowers people buy the most. I list those on the order form, then add some daisies because Willow likes daisies. She also likes roses but those are too hard to grow. I need easy, fast-growing plants.
At lunch, I'm not surprised that Willow doesn't show up. She said she might, but after what we did last night she needs time to analyze the million thoughts now running through her head. She'll try to apply logic to what happened, which won't work, so then she'll call one of her friends and try to talk it out. Eventually, she'll come to some kind of conclusion as to why we had sex and then she'll show up at my door and tell me what she's concluded. I know her so well that I can predict this will happen, just like I predicted she wouldn't show up for lunch.
I'm eating a slice of cold, leftover pizza from the other night when my phone rings. It's Trent.
"Hey, what's up?" I swig my soda.
"I broke up with what's her name."
"You don't even know her name?"
"I do. I just forgot."
"You went out with her for almost two weeks."
"Don't give me shit. I'm not good with names."
"Her name is Haley."
"That's right. You've got a good memory."
"You're pathetic."
"So since Haley's not around, you want to do something tonight?"
I'm sure I won't be seeing Willow so I say, "Sure. What do you want to do?"
"Let's play some hoops. I've got energy to burn."
"Your post break-up high?"
That's what he calls it. Most people get depressed after a break-up, but Trent finds it exhilarating. Sometimes I think he only dates girls for the high he feels after the break-up.
"You guessed it," he says. "I'm a free man. So you want to meet at the park? Maybe around six? We could grab a burger when we're done."
"I work until six. Make it six-thirty."
"Sounds good. See ya then."
I finish the day, not hearing a word from Willow. I'm late meeting Trent because of traffic. He's already on the court, shooting baskets. He gets off work at four. He has a summer job maintaining the golf course at a country club. He basically rides around on a lawn mower all day and flirts with the rich girls who are members. It's the perfect job for him. Easy, low stress, and daytime hours, leaving his nights free to party.
To some people, Trent and I seem like unlikely friends. He was a popular football player at a large high school and I went to a very small private school. He's loud and likes being the center of attention whereas I'm more of a laid-back observer.
I could go on and on about our differences, but the thing we have in common is that we don't bullshit. That's why we're friends. He doesn't pretend to be someone else or say what he knows you want to hear. He's honest to the point it turns some people off, but it's what I like best about him. Even with girls, he doesn't put on a phony act. He tells them up front that he's not looking for a relationship and yet he finds plenty of girls who still want to date him.
"You're late," he says, tossing me the ball.
"Yeah? So?" I shoot and miss. I'm not great at basketball. Surfing is my sport, but I haven't been able to get in the water since being back in town. All my time has been spent working or hanging out with Willow.
"It's freaking hot today." Trent rips his shirt off. He's got the start of a beer gut forming after spending two years at college. He goes to UC-Santa Barbara, studying communications. I have no idea why he picked that for a major. He doesn't know either. He just had to pick something. He wants to go into sales, so he really didn't need a college degree but his parents are making him go.
It does feel hot. I take my shirt off.
"What the hell?" he says, pointing at me. "You been working out twenty-four hours a day?"
"It's called physical labor. Gets you more in shape than any gym workout will."
"I would've worked construction this summer if I'd known I'd look like that."
"It's not too late."
"Nah. I like the country club. Surrounded by money. Hot girls. Fancy cars. And I get all the free golf I want." He shoots and the ball hits the backboard but doesn't go in. "You should golf with me sometime. I can get you a free round."
"Sounds good. Just let me know when." I don't golf, but it's free so why not? It's something to do.
That's a perk of being friends with Trent. He always gets stuff for free. He knows a lot of people and makes friends wherever he goes and they're always hooking him up with free stuff.
He throws me the ball as two girls walk by. He's staring at them, not caring if they notice. They're tall and thin, wearing bikini tops and cutoff shorts. And they're blond, which is Trent's preferred hair color on women.
"Hey, ladies," he says, smiling at them. "Care to join us?"
They saunter over to us.
"I'm Tess," the one girl says. She has bigger breasts than the other girl and they're spilling out of her top. "And this is Tana."
"Nice to meet you, Tess and Tana," Trent says, eyeing them like he wants them both. "I'm Trent and this is my friend, Silas."
"Hi, Silas," Tess says with a flirtatious smile, her gaze slowly moving down my body.
I say hi back
but I'm not sure she heard me. Tana is also checking me out. I almost laugh when I see the irritated look on Trent's face.
"So what are you ladies up to tonight?" he asks.
"We're going dancing at a club," Tana says.
"Need some company?" he asks.
"It's girls' night. No boys allowed," Tess says, her eyes moving back up to my face. "Can I see your phone?"
"It's in my truck."
She lays her palm on my chest and smiles. "You have a truck? I love a guy with a truck."
"I have an SUV," Trent says.
She ignores him and takes out her phone. "Give me your number and I'll call you so you have mine."
"I have a girlfriend," I lie. Trent shoots me an irritated look. "But Trent's single."
"And would love to get to know you girls better," he says, sucking his gut in as Tana looks him over.
He takes his phone out and Tana puts her number in, then says, "I put Tess' number in there too, in case Silas breaks up with his girlfriend." She winks at me, then the two of them walk off.
When they're gone, Trent says, "What the hell? You don't have a girlfriend. Did you see that chick? Freaking hot, and she was practically begging you to have sex with her."
"I have Willow."
He sighs and shakes his head. "For the last time, Willow is not your girlfriend. I know you love her but the girl has moved on. It's time to give up, bro."
"I had sex with her last night."
"No shit?" He grabs the basketball from me and tosses it aside. "I gotta hear about this." We go sit on the bench. "How did it happen?"
"I didn't plan on it. We went to dinner, then out for coffee, and on the way home I decided to stop by the farm."
"You did the look-at-the-stars trick, didn't you?" He nods knowingly. "Girls fall for that every time. I don't get it. What's so sexy about staring at the sky?"
"We didn't even get a chance to look at the sky. As soon as we got there, I kissed her and we couldn't stop. God, I wanted her so bad. Things heated up fast and I thought she'd tell me to stop, but she didn't. She wanted it as much as I did."
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