We're both still young, but we've matured a lot the past couple years. Willow has always been mature for her age, but I wasn't until I went overseas. Living on my own, being in different parts of the world, and seeing people in extreme poverty, matured me to the point that I now feel much older than 20. So now, more than ever, I could see myself marrying Willow. But that's not what she wants, or if it is, she won't let herself believe it.
So where does that leave me? What do I do? Slow things down with her? Tell her we can only be friends? Do I date other girls and give up on Willow?
The truth is I don't want to do any of those things. What I want is to keep this going. To keep spending time with her. To keep flirting with her. Taking her out. Kissing her. Pretending like there's no end to this, even though I know there is.
I wish Willow could see what a great thing she and I have together. We're best friends. We make each other laugh. We understand each other. We can read each other and know when something's wrong. We know how to cheer each other up. And we have a chemistry that I know we'll never have with anyone else.
Yet Willow refuses to see all that. Her focus is all on school and her future career. I admire her ambition but there's more to life than that.
"You want to hang out after we unload?" Trent asks as we put the last two coolers in the back of my truck.
We already loaded the folding chairs and two long foldout tables. His mom gave us plastic tablecloths, which Trent told her he'd never use, but she insisted we take them. She also gave us three large plastic containers of homemade cookies and brownies. His mom is really nice but she treats us like we're kids. She even gave us a giant container of powdered lemonade.
This is not a cookies and lemonade type of party. It's more like burgers, beer, and hard liquor. I'm sure Trent's high school football friends will be there, along with as many hot girls as he can convince to come over.
"I need to study later, but yeah, I can hang out for a while." I go around and get in the truck.
"What do you want to eat?" Trent asks as we're driving away from his parents' house. "It's on me since I made you do this."
"Let's go to the barbecue place."
"Sounds good, but we're taking it home. I'm not eating there." He says that because the place is a dive, but they have the best barbecue in town.
"If you're buying, I'm getting ribs."
"I just got paid so let's get the works. Ribs, cornbread, beans. I got beer at the house."
"You don't have a girl lined up for tonight?"
"I need a break. I'll hook up with someone tomorrow at the party."
"What happened to Tana?"
"I told her I was engaged."
I laugh. "And she believed you?"
"Yeah, she was pissed. But at least she won't be calling me anymore. Her friend called me last night."
"Now Tess wants to go out with you? Didn't Tana tell her about your supposed engagement?"
"She wasn't calling about me. She was calling about you. She asked for your number."
"You didn't give it to her, did you?"
"No. But she knows where you live. She might stop by."
"Why didn't you remind her that I have a girlfriend?"
"Because you don't," he mumbles as I pull into the barbecue place.
I ignore his comment. I don't want to fight with him tonight.
We order our food and take it home and eat out by the pool.
"I'm stuffed," I say after finishing off a rack of ribs, three pieces of cornbread, and two of his mom's brownies.
"That place is a shithole but they have the best ribs in town." He gets up and dips his napkin in the pool to wet it, then comes back and sits down and wipes the sauce off his fingers. "So why aren't you out with Willow tonight?"
"Because I had to help your sorry ass get ready for a party, which we all know you're only having to meet girls."
"Girls like a pool." He motions to it. "I have a pool. Why not use it to my advantage? And it's not like you're not benefitting from this. You get to see girls in bikinis all night."
"I only want to see Willow in a bikini and I doubt she'll wear one tomorrow."
"Dammit, Silas." He throws his napkin down and shakes his head.
"What?" I gulp down the rest of my soda.
"You gotta end this obsession with Willow. She's not interested in you. It's time to move on."
"She's interested enough to have sex with me."
"One time. And that doesn't mean anything. She doesn't want a relationship with you. Love. Marriage. Whatever it is you're hoping for. She's not the one."
"And this is coming from someone who's never been in a relationship." I lean back in the chair, stretching my legs out. "Yeah, I don't think I'll be taking your advice, Trent."
"So you're just going to let her keep using you all summer as her little boy toy?"
He's been lecturing me about this all week and now he's just pissing me off. "That's not what she's doing, so back off."
"I'm trying to be a friend."
"Friends support each other."
"Not when your friend's doing something stupid."
I bolt up in my chair, glaring at him. "And you never do stupid shit?"
"Not the kind that ruins my life."
"Willow is not ruining my life."
"Not yet, but she will when the summer ends."
I slam my soda can on the table. "Why don't you just mind your own fucking business? I'm sick of you saying bad shit about her. And if you're not going to be nice to her tomorrow, I'm not coming to your party."
"I AM nice to her."
"It's not coming off as nice. She thinks you hate her. That's why she didn't think she was invited to the party."
"Listen, Silas." He faces me, his arms on the table. "I have no problem with Willow as a person, but I don't like her jerking you around."
"She's not—"
"Let me finish."
I sigh. "You got two seconds and then I'm done listening to this."
"The thing with Willow is that I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt you. I think she's just confused about what she wants, but while she's trying to figure that out, she strings you along, making you think you two have a future together."
He's not telling me anything I don't already know. I know Willow is confused. She says she wants a certain type of life, but deep down, I know she's not sure if that's really what she wants. Which is why I'm trying to convince her to think about other alternatives. Do those alternatives include me? Yes, but my main concern is that she's happy. Even if she chooses not to be with me, I still want her to be happy.
"Are you done now?" I ask.
"Yeah." He gets up. "Let's go unload the truck."
After we do that, I go home and study for my test. Willow calls at ten.
"Did you get everything for the party?" she asks.
"Yeah, he's all set. It sounds like there's going to be a lot of people there. You need to bring a suit so we can go swimming."
"I don't think I want to swim."
"It's part of the dress code. Trent wants all girls to show up in a bikini."
She laughs. "Yeah, that sounds like Trent. That's probably the only reason he's having the party. I'll bring a suit, but I don't know if I'll wear it."
"So what'd you do tonight?"
"I went to a movie with my parents. It wasn't that great." She pauses. "Can I come over?"
"I really need to study."
"Oh." She sounds disappointed. "Okay. Then I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Goodnight." I really want to see her, but I think we need time apart. I need Willow to see what it's like to not have me around so she can decide if that's really what she wants.
The next morning I go to class. It's taught on Saturday mornings because most of the people taking it are a lot older than me and have full-time jobs during the week.
After class I stop by the farmers' market to see if my mom needs any help, but she and Martin are handling the
crowds fine without me. I stop over at Carl and Candace's booth, which is just across from my mom's. Candace is there and says Willow is home making signs for the vendor fair. She's really getting into this fair. I hope she sells a lot, given how much work she's put into it.
I go home, grab some lunch, then head to the beach. It's been forever since I surfed, and surfing will keep my mind off Willow. It's crazy how much I miss her but we need our space. We can't spend every second together.
At five I head over to her house. She called at three to say her parents had left, but I was still at the beach and had to go home and clean up.
"Finally!" she says as she hugs me at the door.
She's wearing a short black dress with a halter neckline that leaves all kinds of skin exposed for me to kiss; shoulders, neck, cleavage.
"What do you mean?" I ask as we go inside.
"You're finally letting me see you. It's like you've been hiding out for a day." She drags me to the couch. I sit down and she sits right next to me, our bodies touching.
"You can't go a day without seeing me?"
"I can. I just don't want to."
If she really feels that way, then why doesn't she want to be with me? Beyond just this summer?
"Trent called and asked if we could head over there early and help set up the food, but we don't have to."
"I don't mind. Let's go." She jumps up, holding her hand out to me.
I take her hand and pull her onto my lap. "Don't you want to say hello first?"
"Hello." She smiles, then leans over and kisses me.
I kiss her back. "You look really sexy in this dress."
"Thanks. I wore it just for you."
"Seems like something a girlfriend would do."
She doesn't respond as she scoots over on my lap.
I slide my hand up her leg and kiss her bare shoulder. She smells sweet and flowery. "Did you use one of our soaps?"
"Yeah. The almond lavender."
"You were supposed to wait and try it out with me."
"We'll try a different kind." She kisses me, slowly, her tongue going in my mouth. Then she whispers over my lips, "Let's go, so we can hurry up and get back." She gives me one last kiss, then gets up.
Between her kisses and her hint that we'll be doing a lot more than that later, Willow is acting like we're dating, and yet she refuses to admit it. It's starting to bother me. Maybe it's because of that talk I had with Trent. As much as I try to ignore what he said, his words keep replaying in my head, telling me Willow is just using me. Part of me knows he's right and that I'm stupid to think this will go anywhere. Despite that, I'm not ready to give up on her. But I do need her to stop denying the fact that we're more than friends.
When we get to Trent's place, I park along the street but remain in the truck.
"Willow." I hold her arm as she goes to open her door. "I need to say something before we go in."
"Go ahead." She turns to me, giving me her full attention.
"Tonight at the party, I don't want you telling people I'm your boyfriend. Unless that's really what I am."
She pauses, seeming surprised at my comment. "I um...wasn't going to tell people that. I know we're just friends."
"And yet every time a girl comes up to me, you tell her I'm yours. That I'm your boyfriend. But I'm not. We're not dating. Because you don't want that. Isn't that right?" I look in her eyes as I say it. I need her to answer me and be honest with both me and herself about what this is between us.
Playing the role of her boyfriend was fine at first, but I'm not doing it anymore. If she wants me to be her boyfriend in front of other people, then we need to actually be dating. And if that's not what she wants, then she needs to stop telling people we're a couple, because all that does is get my hopes up, only to be crushed later by her saying we're just friends.
"Silas, I don't want to have this conversation right now."
"Then when do you want to have it?" I keep my eyes on her, my face serious so she knows I'm not kidding around.
"I don't know." She faces forward. "I don't know why we even need to have it. Everything is going so well between us. Why ruin it by adding labels?"
"Willow, you're the one who keeps labeling me as your boyfriend, but only when you're using it to keep girls away from me. You, yourself, admitted that wasn't fair. You can't say you don't want to date me and then get mad when other girls show interest in me."
"So you want to date other people," she says quietly, glancing down.
"No." I reach over and hold her hand. "I only want to date you. But you won't let me."
"Silas, we spend all our time together. If you want to call that dating, then go ahead."
"I need you to call it that. I need to know this is more than just two friends hooking up."
She doesn't respond.
"Willow." I rub her hand and wait until she looks at me. "I love you. And I've made it clear that I want us to get back together."
She nods, and her gaze lowers.
I tilt her chin up, forcing her eyes back to mine. "I know you never thought I'd be back in your life so I realize you need time to think about this. But I can't wait all summer. And as you're thinking about what it is you want, I don't want you telling other people we're dating and then telling me we're not."
She swallows and shuts her eyes, then opens them again. "I can't commit to you, Silas. I just can't. Not right now." She pulls her hand from mine. "If you decide to date other people, I understand."
"That's not what I—"
"So does this mean we're back to just being friends?" She folds her arms over her chest, closing me off, trying to pretend this doesn't bother her when I know it does. I can see the sadness on her face.
"Willow, I'm not the one deciding this. You know I want a relationship with you. I want to be more than friends."
"We are more than friends. What we're planning to do later tonight proves that we're more than friends."
"It makes us friends who have sex. That's not a relationship."
"Then I guess we should just be friends and nothing else. Nothing physical. No more kissing. Flirting. Hand-holding." Her voice cracks.
I sigh, beyond frustrated with her. She's so stubborn. So black and white. Hot and cold. I know she wants this. She wants us back together as much as I do, but she won't let it happen. She won't even try. I don't understand it. I'm not asking her to marry me. Just date me. That's it.
But she won't do it. Maybe Trent is right. Maybe a future with Willow just isn't possible.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Willow
Someone knocks on my window. I turn and see Trent's big head, smiling at me like he's already had a few drinks.
"You guys coming in or you gonna sit out here all night?" he asks through the glass.
I open my door. "We're coming."
He helps me out of the truck, his eyes sweeping over my body. "Holy shit, Willow, you look hot. You wanna be my date tonight?"
"Trent," Silas says in a warning tone as he meets up with us on the sidewalk.
"Yeah, I forgot," he says, walking beside me as we head to the house. "You have a boyfriend. What's his name again?"
"Shut up, Trent," Silas says, glaring at him.
I keep quiet. After that conversation we just had, I'm not addressing any questions about Silas and me. If people ask about us at the party, I'll change the subject. And I'll keep my distance from him. I'll have to control my natural inclination to hold his hand, kiss him, flirt with him. Those are all things a girlfriend would do and I made it clear just now that I am not his girlfriend. He gave me a chance to tell him how I felt about him, and about us, and I didn't. I just sat there and said nothing.
Now tonight, I'll have to watch as other girls go up and talk to him and flirt with him. I'll have to be okay with that, even though I'm not.
"Willow, I put you in charge of drinks," Trent says as we go in the house. He leads us to the kitchen, which is filled with grocery sacks.
"Good thing we came," Silas says. "Nothing's ready."
"I know." Trent hands him some sacks. "Start unloading. I don't know where the bowls are so you can just set the chips out in the bag."
"You can't do that," I say, taking the bags from Silas. "This is a party. It has to look nice. Do you have a table set up for the food?"
"Yeah." Trent nods toward the patio. "It's out by the pool."
"Do you have a tablecloth?"
Trent and Silas both laugh, then Trent says, "My mom would love you."
"Why? I don't get it."
"Never mind. Here." He hands me a plastic bag and inside it are two plastic tablecloths; a red one and a navy one.
"These are exactly what we need." I take them outside and put them on the two long tables that are set up by the pool. When I come back inside, I start searching for bowls. Silas and Trent are standing there watching me.
"Aren't you guys going to do something?"
"You seem to have this figured out," Trent says. "We don't want to get in the way."
I grab a stack of plastic serving bowls from under the counter. "You're just saying that so you don't have to help."
"Just tell us what to do and we'll get it done," Silas says.
I scan the kitchen, quickly figuring out what to do first. "Okay, you guys gather all the paper products and bring them outside. Then get the coolers set up. People will want drinks when they arrive. Then they'll want snack foods so those will go out next."
The guys get to work while I fill the bowls with chips. This is a good distraction. I need to be kept busy right now so I'm not thinking about Silas and what he said in the truck. Because when I think about it, it hurts. It hurts to not be able to tell him what he wants to hear. It hurts to want to be with him, but know that I can't. It hurts to think of him meeting someone else tonight, or sometime in the future. Because Silas is mine. I know I can't claim him like that, but my heart already has. He's my first love, and even if we're not together, a part of me will always love him.
"Hey." Silas walks back into the kitchen. "We got the paper stuff set up. Trent's out in the garage, filling the coolers with ice. What do you need me to do?" He smiles, which doesn't make sense. He should be mad at me for not saying something during that conversation. He was open and honest and I just shut down.
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