Never Have I Ever

by Clearwing, August

  “Touch me, Noah. Touch the woman you own and look into her eyes and tell her that throwing her and your list of Nevers away will truly make you hap—” My voice broke. I could not finish the sentence. It was one thing to think the thoughts and another entirely to speak them aloud.

  As my eyes slammed shut with the last bastion of my will to hold myself back, Noah’s lips connected with mine. My eyes flew open, ripping the levee with them in kind, and letting the tears flow freely down my cheeks. His arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me to him, kissing me harder than ever before. My shaking hands found their way into his hair. I gripped him and held on with every fiber of my strength. He breathed into me and me into him. I tasted the saline of my tears as they streamed between our lips. I never imagined a kiss could hurt. This one did. And it was the very best kiss of my entire life.

  “You can’t save me, Piper,” Noah muttered against my mouth.

  “I don’t want to save you; I want to love you,” I choked out. “Please, just let me.”

  The remainder of my attention zeroed back in on the raw pain of emotion clawing to reach him. I did not have to save him; I could love him enough that he saved himself. It was not so much a desire to love him which I possessed, but an aching requirement blaring from every corner of my mind.

  Noah shifted on the couch. He was starting to stand up again. I backed up off him to allow it. That soft gleam in his eyes returned. Even through my tears I still saw it. We carried on kissing with liberal abandon as we pivoted from the sofa. I clutched his shirt, trying with all my might not to force, but to gently guide him back into my bedroom. It did not take much persuasion. Every ounce of his focus was on kissing me just as every beat of my heart dedicated itself to him.

  We collapsed in a tangle onto the mussed comforter and sheets on my bed. Noah was on top of me. He anchored his weight with his forearms on either side of me and parted his lips from mine to kiss away the moisture below my eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered. He tried to sooth my silent crying with a soft shushing sound and placed his forehead to mine. “I didn’t realize. I can’t bear being the cause of your tears. Forgive me for everything I just put you through. I’m so sorry, my love.”

  The next wave of tears to fall was not of desperation and distress, but of pure joy that Noah called me love. My heart grew so full to bursting I thought I might die right there.

  “Tell me you’re not just saying that,” I whispered. My throat was tight with the fear and hope in my voice. “Those last two words in particular?”

  “Never.” He sighed the word like it was the last one he would ever say to me. Thankfully, it was not. “I would never ‘just say’. I love you, Piper. A thousand million times, I love you.”

  I kissed him again and immediately began unbuttoning his shirt while Noah tried to decide whether to keep kissing me or work at remove his pants. Somehow, we managed all of it in record time. Once rid of his own clothes, he tugged on the belt around my robe to free me from it. He kissed and nipped at my neck, sending a little volt of electricity through me. He swept the fabric from my left shoulder, bunching it up all way down my arm until I was able to bend my elbow and escape it. The same was done with the other sleeve.

  Noah slid his hands beneath my back and bent to kiss my collarbone before continuing down my torso between my breasts and to the fading red marks the flogger left on me earlier in the night. There, his lips were replaced with his tongue. I sighed softly, allowing my head to drop back against the bed to revel in the tenderness of his touch. Each little movement he made resonated deep within me. With a gentle caress of my thigh, I instinctively spread my legs further apart. This was what I meant when I told him he played me like a guitar. There was so much depth to every nuance of physical contact with him, I could not help but react to it.

  His lips sought out the hard nub of my clit. After a brief kiss there, he teased me with a long breath of cool air against my sex before running the flat of his tongue along the length of the growing wetness. I moaned out in a bid of encouragement and fisted my hands around the wayward blankets on the bed. He licked around the swollen outer lips, tentatively sucked my labia into his mouth, and dipped his tongue between the folds to taste my juices. I gasped and raised my hips a little to meet his mouth. The way he used it against me, he really should have been required to procure a license for that tongue.

  He licked and sucked at my clit, giving a little nibble here and there. His fingers moved from beneath me to my hips and down the flat of my stomach. While he pinned me down with one hand, the fingers of his other worked tentatively into my pussy. First one, then two fingers slid into me with ease. They stroked and curled against my g-spot. I was used to sharp, forceful thrusts from Noah, but he surprised me with how delicate he was being in that moment. Maybe he remembered how hard the Sybian had roughed me up, or maybe he just wanted to take it slow this time. Either way, I sank into every sensation his soft, moist tongue delivered. My muscles twitched with the unhurried ministrations of his fingers. I never wanted that feeling to end.

  When his fingers withdrew from me after several minutes, I moaned out in protest, but said nothing. The time for words had passed. Noah kissed down the inside of my right thigh then switched over to the left, his breath tickling my flesh.

  Just as he kissed his way down me, he kissed his way back up. I reached out to run my nails over the definition in the lean muscles of his chest while he hovered above me. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath with my touch. My fingers moved south in placid exploration of his abs and waist. I raised my head to place my own series of kisses across his pecks.

  Then the heat of his cock pressed against me. I looked up into his eyes, hoping to convey with my own that he was the only man I ever wanted, and yearning to see the delight on his face the first anticipated stroke inevitably brought.

  I was not disappointed. I wrapped my arms around him as he slid inside me. Noah stole my gasp with his lips, pushing all the way into the moist sheath of my pussy and holding there for several beats. I was only vaguely aware of my nails digging into his back when he withdrew almost entirely, but he did not seem to mind. In fact, his moan transitioned into a soft growl and he clutched me a little tighter when I did.

  Every deliberate thrust forward was leisurely and methodical, making me feel his length and girth in totality. The tender pace gave me the opportunity to raise my hips and burry his length to the hilt for each push, savoring the faint twitches and heat his body exuded.

  This time, this night, this moment, was not one of the primal animals which existed in the both of us. For the first time, Noah and I were making love the way a normal couple would. I would be lying if I said it did not feel different, because it very much did. There was no ceremony, no commands, and no dirty talk. But it was still Noah who moved inside of me. I still felt the power of his weight and dominion of his spirit on top of me. I still saw the spark of mischief and the certainty in his bright hazel eyes I came to know so well.

  “You’re so warm,” I purred as I took his earlobe between my teeth.

  “And you’re so goddamn beautiful.”

  A rush flitted through me. His breathing quickened some, the disciplined pace beginning to break as I felt him fight the feral nature of his usual way of taking me. At the same time, I was fighting my own natural instinct to do the same. The familiar tingle of the peak of pleasure began to stir in me. In an attempt to be so bold, I wrapped one leg around his and nudged at him to turn over so I was on top.

  To my amazement, he allowed me. The feathery ends of my hair brushed against his neck and shoulder when I curled down to kiss the first tiny drops of sweat from the center of his chest. It was always a wonder to me how Noah’s body was altogether hard and soft at once. In a way, it was an extension of him: power and chaos hiding a quiet, pliable will I had to work at to appreciate. I loved that he was toned, but not overtly muscular. I loved the contrast of his smooth skin against taut muscles, the little f
reckles on his shoulders, and the thin happy trail down his abdomen. I soaked up every inch of Noah in the dim light of my bedroom.

  I gyrated above him, sitting up so I could place my hands on his chest to balance, and rocked my hips forward and back. My clit brushed against the base of his cock, steadily building the orgasm in me higher and higher. Noah strained against the bed, silent gasps escaping from his slightly parted lips.

  After some time, he braced against the bed and sat up to meet me, placing one hand on my spine to hold me up and lacing his fingers through my hair with the other. He bent to kiss my neck, trailing lower to my left breast and nipple, which he sucked into his mouth. I leaned back to give him access, clenching around his cock a little more at the inevitable climax quickly approaching.

  He must have sensed it in me, because suddenly we were face-to-face once more.

  “Say my name,” he said huskily. It was a request, not a demand.

  I kissed him again and nibbled ever so gently on his bottom lip, then pulled back to look into his eyes. A small smile crossed my face as I obliged, whispering, “Noah.”

  It was almost taboo. Up until now I had not said his name during sex. It was difficult to believe, but I think I actually felt him get harder inside of me. He rolled me over onto my back again and began thrusting into me, ardor emanating from the friction between us.

  I clawed at his back, panting and not able to draw breath at the same time.

  “Oh fuck, Noah, don’t stop!”

  “Never,” he murmured. “I won’t ever stop. God, Piper, you feel so fucking good!”

  Noah buried his face in the crook of my neck. His breath and his body were hot against me. Small beads of sweat dripped off him onto my skin. They colored me hot and cold. He tensed and dug his teeth into my shoulder; not hard enough to draw blood, but just enough to shoot a twinge of divine pain throughout all my nerves. It triggered the beginning of the end for me. Every muscle in his body shook with intensity. It left me feeling like he was claiming my soul for himself in some sort of perfect rite of passage.

  Fuck, he could have it. Gladly.

  He locked his hips to me. My pussy tightened around his cock in spasms to milk the pleasure from him. I could barely form a coherent word above a rasping cry as the both of us came together. We clung to each other, the initial climax and after-shocks rippling through us while we chased our breath.

  Once composed, he swallowed hard and raised his head to look into my eyes, though did not move from above me. I reached up with a tentative hand to brush my fingers across his cheek.

  “I want to stay inside you all night,” he said.

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  His mouth twitched up in a half-smile. “Did my ears deceive me earlier or did my sub actually call me a dumbass?”

  I chuckled. “Great non sequitur to the end of passionate sex.”

  Noah just looked at me expectantly. Tired, but expectant.

  I bit my lip, relieved to see that steely gaze of his and know he still considered me his submissive. “Not outright, no; I just… sort of alluded to it.”

  “Coupled with preventing my leaving—for the second time, no less—you took some bold chances tonight.” He grasped my jaw in his hand with a gentle sort of strength. “I should punish you for those infractions.”

  There was the assertive man I knew.

  “You should punish me for a lot of things, Sir,” I teased. I nuzzled against his hand and kissed his palm. “Besides, if I hadn’t then you wouldn’t be laying here discussing the need for a punishment. I’ll gladly accept punishment over the alternative.”

  His eyes searched my calm expression as he grazed his thumb against my bottom lip. “I know you would. What happened tonight was my doing, not yours, so you don’t have to fear punishment.”

  “Was I really wrong to stop you?”

  “Oh, no, I was an absolute dumbass,” he admitted freely. “You woke me up, sweetness. I need to stop thinking about the past and start focusing on what’s in front of me in the here and now… namely, you.”

  While I smiled, there was still the niggling trepidation of his departure. Just because I convinced him to stay long enough to reconsider dismissing me did not mean I convinced him to stay the whole night. He could just as easily run from sleeping next to me for fear of what might happen. And I so desperately preferred cuddling up in his arms to the solitude of an empty bed. Risk or no risk, I had grown accustomed to being beside him at night.

  “Are you still planning on leaving once you’re safe to drive?”

  “Since you insist on keeping me captive every time I try, I instead plan on making love to you until the sun rises.”

  As he placed another soft kiss on my lips, I felt him begin to harden inside of me again.

  I half whispered, “Round two, Sir?”

  “Round two, pet,” he confirmed.

  I really liked the sound of that.

  ***

  Though we desperately wanted to continue basking in the sensations of one another until the sun rose, come three o’clock the both of us were simply too exhausted to move another millimeter. I fell asleep on my side with Noah’s arms wrapped around me, my legs tangled between his and the blankets. It was quite possibly the most comfortable moment ever for me. As it happened, like it does when you sleep, I did not stay in that position throughout the late-night hours.

  When I awoke sometime mid-morning, I stretched and rolled over to reposition myself against Noah. To my chagrin, all I found was an empty, cool space beside me. I should have known. Sometime in the night, he slipped away.

  I stared at the emptiness of the bed for a while without staring at anything in particular. A part of me wondered if he had only done what he did to placate me and maybe he still intended to leave me. How cruel that would be. Another part of me thought perhaps I dreamed the whole thing. What he said, all of it, still rang unchecked through my head. I felt lost and confused about which aspect to believe.

  Nevertheless, Noah’s clothing was missing from where he threw it all off. He was not in the bathroom, and I could not see or hear anything from the living room or kitchen. I finally slipped from bed, huddled into my thin robe, and went about my morning ritual in quiet solemnity.

  Out in the kitchen on the island in the center of the room, I discovered a little ray of hope. A page was torn from the notepad on the counter with a letter and a silver key sitting on top of it. It was far too big to be the key to my cuffs, though now that I glanced at the carpet in the living room I noticed that it, too, was gone from where it had dropped.

  I gave a little smile to the empty apartment—he must have taken it with him—and turned my attention back to the letter:

  Love,

  I left early this morning for work. You looked so peaceful I didn’t have the heart to wake you just to say goodbye. The key you see here is to my apartment; yours to keep. Come over tomorrow at 8pm. There’s more you deserve to know and I’d like to discuss it over dinner. Fancy dress is not required.

  Also, expect a call from Dr. Fairbanks. Ethan be damned; you’ll get reinstated at Mt. Wilson by the end of the day. Yes, that is an order.

  ~N

  I clutched the key in my hand just to feel the weight of it as a tangible object.

  Finally. Progress.

  {CHAPTER TWENTY}

  Just like Noah wrote, the call from Dr. Fairbanks did come that afternoon. I wish I knew how he did that. Being able to pull strings from so far up top was crazy. I was so embarrassed about the entire situation I almost didn’t answer the phone when it rang. After talking with Dr. Fairbanks for some time, careful to skirt around the details, I agreed to come in that day and reclaim my little corner of the Kepler room. Dr. Fairbanks had different plans for me, however. His only caveat to my return was that I accept his former offer of the Team Lead position. He didn’t sound desperate. Rather, he was insistent that they were more in need of a leader than a data-monkey. The position would move me out of the Kepler ro
om and into the NuSTAR room with my own fully-functioning desk space which was not smushed into the corner of a glorified supply closet.

  Twist my arm, why don’t you.

  Quite frankly, I was scared out of my mind to not only accept my job back, but to gain a promotion out of the whole thing. I could only hope Noah dealt with Ethan before he found out I was back at work—however he planned on doing that; I really didn’t want to ask.

  On my way into the office that afternoon—for what else but paperwork, I swung into the café to grab a coffee when I spotted a new display of trinkets in the center of the gift shop. At first I just barely cast a glance toward the capitalization of the Native American heritage posted up for sale in a fucking observatory of all places. Then I focused in on a seemingly innocuous object. To everyone else it was just another thing. The rub about things is, while people can walk by them a thousand times a day and never really notice them; a single person can spot the thing in passing and have it turn their entire day around. When I saw this seemingly innocuous object hanging on its display, it meant the world to me. I was almost sad there was nobody around to share my brief world of joy with in that moment.

  Without a second thought, I claimed the little trinket. It was a dreamcatcher small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. Brown leather cords accented with green and white glass beads dangled feathers off the side of my hand. The weave of string in the center cradled a slightly larger green bead. In all this time I realized I never gave Noah anything as a ‘Just Because I Can’ gift. This, I decided, would be the first.

  As long as I was counting my firsts for the moment; for the first time in what felt like ages the world granted me a breather. Life was about to settle into a normal pace again. I was on top of the world about my career now that I had it back and, of course, I was on top of the world about Noah. The un-bottling of the prior night raised a significant amount of weight off my shoulders. Not to mention, he loved me. The words echoed in my brain throughout most of the day. Since Noah came into my life, not a single hour went by in which I didn’t smile thinking about him.