Iron Kettle had been good to her.
Now he was gone and she had to face life once more in a strange place….a place everyone else referred to as her home!
Chapter Nine
Sarah was hanging wash on the line when they returned from town. "Where's Hodge?" Cale asked her when he spotted her around back.
"Hunting…he left early, he should be back soon." Sarah informed him.
"Good."
Sarah turned to look at Amelia who was wearing one of the dresses she had picked out.
"It suits you…" Sarah smiled. "You look like a white girl again."
"I bought another, if you'd like to try it on." Amelia insisted. She didn't know if Sarah meant it as a compliment or not, but it felt strange.
"No, I wear this…" she looked down at herself. "It suits me."
Amelia's expression looked pained. "It feels funny wearing this now…"
"It must be much cooler…" Sarah insisted and kept at her task but smiled while she talked. "Amelia…Hodge says you will leave…and go back to your people. Is this true?" Sarah asked, looking at her now.
"I suppose so…"
Sarah stared at her, she stopping her work and turned to face Amelia, her smile fading. "You do not look pleased. Do you not want to go back?"
Amelia shrugged, hanging her head. "I'm tired Sarah, I don't know what I feel anymore."
When Sarah didn't comment she went on. "They will be strangers to me, now. As I will be to them. I'm not sure it's where I want to be…or even should be. I guess I'm just afraid to go back."
"Afraid of what?"
"What I might find. When I was with the Comanche I thought about how wonderful it would be when they found me. They never did find me."
Sarah grabbed her hands and held them. "Where do you want to be?"
"I'm not sure…" Amelia cried and ran toward the house, but she turned and looked over her shoulder at Sarah. "Somewhere that I am welcome."
Sara stared after her, then slowly continued with the wash. She glanced after Amelia several times, but finished her work before she went inside.
When Sarah walked back into the house she glanced at Cale who was standing in the middle of the kitchen with a strange look on his face.
"What's wrong with her?" Cale intimated Amelia. They could both hear her tears.
"I have found love and a man…she has found nothing yet. She is afraid to go home. Must you take her?" Sarah asked staring into Cale's face.
Cale folded his lips and stared at the floor a minute. "I thought I was taking her to the man she loved…"
Sarah sighed and looked at Cale strangely.
"She does not know him any longer. He is a stranger. And he may not accept what she's been through. She is lost and afraid. She has seen how the fur traders stare at her and make fun of her. She thinks all whites think the same. It is not so, but she thinks it. She has been very brave until now, but now she goes back to strangers. They were once her people, but they will be strangers now."
"Yeah…I guess you are right. I thought I was doing the right thing. I just naturally figured she'd want to see her folks and get on with her life there. But…I guess she can't just pick up where she left off, can she?"
"No…right now…she has no home. She feels alone. Iron Kettle loved her as one of his own, but, he could not protect her from this journey that he knew she had to make."
"Well…what do you think I should do about it?" Cale looked puzzled and frustrated. When Sarah looked up with surprise on her face he explained. "I'm not used to women, and I don't know what to say to her to make things better or easier."
Sarah shook her head. "I do not know. I only know she is lost. She has no home now. She is afraid of what she will find when she goes home. Afraid of the rejection she might find in his heart. And if she does still love this man…and he rejects her, how will she continue? She has been through so much. I have great fear for her now." Sarah explained. "the heart can only endure so much pain."
"Of course it will hard. But they are her folks. Surely, they'll welcome her."
Sarah's head twisted in question. "She has been with Indians. Have you not seen how the white people look at one that has returned from the Indian Villages where they were captured? I guess you cannot imagine it. You are a simple man Cale. With a heart as big as Texas. But all men do not see the world the way you do. That's why you don't understand this."
Cale hung his head once more. "I guess my world is much simpler. Will you go to her?"
Sarah nodded.
Later that evening, after all the chores were tended to, and the evening meal was put away, Cale went out on the porch and sat down. He pulled out his guitar and started singing. It always gave him peace when he played and he hoped Amelia would hear it and enjoy it.
The tune was beautiful and Amelia came out to listen.
She sat on the step beside him.
"That's beautiful," she smiled at him when he finished the song.
"You like it?"
"Very much. There was little real music in the Indian camps. Occasionally one would here a flute, or drums, but never a melody like that…I had forgotten how much I liked music."
"I'm not all that good at singing, I just enjoy it." Cale remarked.
"Play another….please." She encouraged.
He remembered a beautiful ballad and sang it to her.
She smiled. "I've missed things like that, with the Indians. Sometimes, at first, when I was alone…I'd hum a tune…just to keep it fresh in my mind. At least at first, and then…I guess I did forget."
"You've got a lot to look forward to." He reminded her. "There are probably many things you've forgotten over time. Good things, Amelia."
"I hadn't thought of that. But happiness comes in many forms. I love to hear the trill of a mockingbird, they sing their little hearts out for the world to hear. I love to watch a sunset. With the Indians the world moved much slower."
"Did you go to dances much? I mean before…"
"Dances? Oh…yes," Her eyes lit at the memories. "I did…when I was young. I loved to dance. It seems so long ago, though. Like another world I lived in. I had lots of pretty dresses, my parents adored me and pampered me. I spent a lot of my time enjoying life, or what I thought was life then. But now, it's different. Now that I've seen another part of the world, I realize that I was frivolous back then. I took things for granted. I learned very quickly with the Comanche that you cannot do that."
Cale smiled, as her memory seemed to jolt.
"Do you dance?"
"Not well, but I try off and on." He smiled back at her.
"So…why aren't you married, Cale Matthews?" She blurted, staring at him.
He put the guitar down and folded his hands over his knees. "Most girls don't find me that attractive. And the ones that do want to make me over. A lot of the girls around here only want my land for their folks. I know that. But…I like my life, I like myself, but I'm not fooling myself into believing a girl would like my life. It's a lot of hard work."
"Why wouldn't they like you. You are a farmer, nothing wrong with that. You grow things in the good clean earth. What is wrong with that?"
He looked at her and twisted his head as he smiled.
"Its hard work, and most women come from farming folks around here. They want to get away from that, see the world. I want to farm…grow things. I like animals. I like my own music. I'm not good at courting a lady, Amelia. I tried a few times, but it got me nowhere. I never know what to say to a woman. So I usually I don't say much at all. Anyway, I began to settle for being a bachelor all my life…"
"What kind of girls did you try to court?"
"The kind you said you use to be…"
Amelia stared at him, with her mouth open. "Well no wonder. I can see why it didn't work for you, then…"
"Oh yeah…why?" Now he had her talking he wanted to explore her life a little more. She was easy to talk to. Not many women were.
"What I used to be
was a snotty brat who wanted things done for me all the time. I never washed my own clothes, fixed my own meals. We had servants. I was spoiled and ugly inside. I didn't realize that until I was captured by the Comanche, but they have a way of knocking the snot right out of you."
He looked at her and chuckled. "And now you are different?"
"Very much so…I've learned to work hard, and what the rewards are for it. I've learned many things living with the Indians, which no doubt might shock my folks. They've never seen me do a day's work. I'm a different person. Now…I spend a lot of time trying to remember what it used to be like. I do remember living with my parents back in Virginia. We had a grand house, with servants and mother was teaching me the art of being a lady."
"You mean you had to be taught that?"
"Oh yes, I learned to curtsy, and fan myself with a gentleman caller embarrassed me. I remember a lot of silly things I did. Things I wouldn't dream of doing any longer. I've changed and my folks that you are taking me to may not like the person I've become. Some things I've forgotten. I don't like sleeping in a bed. I don't like wearing shoes, especially in the house…and I sort of attack my food like an animal. All these things changed because I lived differently. They won't understand that. How could they?"
"Well, all changes aren't bad ones. Nothing wrong with an honest day's work. Even for a woman. Nothing wrong with going barefoot if it makes you comfortable."
"Can you imagine their reaction to my sleeping on the floor? Or taking my shoes off in the house? But I like the floor better now. But getting back to you…"
"I guess I never learned how to court a lady."
"Look, Cale, girls like the ones you tried to court, they wouldn't dare get their fingernails dirty. You couldn't live with a woman like that. Don't you see. You need a woman who likes the same things you do, who isn't afraid to dig into the clean earth and grow things." She smiled. "And there must be women like that somewhere."
"I see. Thanks for telling me. But where do I find such a woman?" He stared at her a moment, and then shook his head. He had to clear his head. She was talking about the woman she had become now. And she didn't know it.
"Not at parties and such. Church maybe. And don't just look at the pretty ones, Cale. Men have a habit of doing that. Pretty ones often times have no use for work. A good woman is sometimes more beautiful on the inside than on the outside."
"Well I agree with that. They'd have to look inside me to see the good. But I promise …if I ever find her…I'll write and let you know." Cale chuckled.
Amelia tensed up again. "I'm sorry; I have no right to tell you what kind of lady to court. But as pretty as the girls you like are, they wouldn't last in your kind of life. If I hadn't been captured by the Indians, I would still be that kind of woman. And I'd probably be hateful to a man like you."
"A man like me?" He mused.
"I wouldn't look for the good in you. That's what I meant."
She'd kissed him, twice, but she was standing there telling him that as a grand lady she wouldn't pay a bit of attention to him. That's exactly what he tried to tell her.
When he didn't say anything she went on to explain. "I have no right to tell you these things. But…I like you Cale. You grow on a woman."
"Do I?" He glanced at her again. "I don't mind. It's actually quite interesting." He smiled at her. "Amelia, we've talked about me taking you home, several times. And you've expressed your concerns. I feel almost as if you don't want me to take you home to your people. I can see in your eyes you're expecting rejection and hurt. But on the other hand, I am pulled to take you, so you can face it, and get on with your life. It could be painful for you. I'm not going to deny that. But…sometimes we have to face the painful to go on. So…why don't you tell me why you don't want to go back? I mean the real reason. You've faced harder things than going home. So what is it that disturbs you so, please tell me."
She sighed heavily. "Because I'm not sure they are my people any more. I've changed so much. I won't fit in with them any longer. You just don't know how much I've changed. Home is a word that should give you goosebumps and make you anxious to get there." She looked up at him and stared. "You'd have to have known me back then to understand. I was an arrogant little brat, full of myself. It seems the Comanche knocked the arrogance right out of me. But…you are right. I need to find out for myself about it. If I don't go back, I'll always wonder if I should have. And I need to clear up a few things. The money and such. I'm sorry I've complained so about it."
"I'm glad you are finally seeing it that way. I mean, if you don't want to stay, then I'll b ring you back here, if you want. But you have to give yourself the time to find out."
"Of course, you are right." She glanced up at the moon. "Let's talk about something else. I'm so tired of thinking of what might happen. What might or might not be. I just want to relax and find somewhere that I fit in."
"Of course, I'm sorry. I keep bringing it up and I shouldn't. It's no wonder you are worried about it."
He stood up and walked around in front of her.
"Look up there," She nodded to the sky. "Look at those stars…they are so bright, sometimes it's almost as if you can touch them. It's beautiful out here tonight. You have a beautiful farm, Cale."
"Yes it is a pretty sky tonight. I love sitting out here on nights like this and staring up at the stars. It kind of makes you see how small and unimportant you are."
She sighed.
"And…I guess you are right, most girls wouldn't want to spend a night looking at the stars."
She studied him a long moment.
"You are a complex man." She touted. "So unassuming, so humble."
"How so?" He looked surprised.
"Sometimes you are so gentle and caring. And then there is your gun. Which is neither. One doesn't go with the other." She insisted.
"Amelia, you've been away a while. You've lived an entirely different life. You know, I'm sure if you think back, there was a time you were terribly afraid of the Indians, and not at all shocked when your father reached for his guns. Out here, civilization hasn't progressed as much. It's still a very primitive land. The gun is a needed thing. For protection, for food, for security."
She considered his words. "Yes, I suppose you are right. I used to think, like my mother that all Indians were heathen and trash. And evil…" She stood up and paced about in front of him. "And I wasn't shocked when my father got the guns out. And as much as I love the Indians and some of their ways, I was frightened to death when I was captured. I thought for sure they would kill me."
"And now?"
"Now I know better. Granted, the Comanche were terrifying, and many was the time I wished I'd had a gun back then. But the Huaco's they were so different, so gentle, peaceful, kind even…"
"I guess it's time to look at both peoples from a distance and see their good. Maybe if we all did that, there wouldn't be so many killings."
"How old are you Cale?" She asked out of the blue as she came to sit beside him on the step once more.
He looked at her and calculated the years. "I guess I'm twenty-six, or twenty-seven. I quit counting the birthdays after my Ma died. It's written in my mother's bible. But I gotta confess I haven't read much of it, lately. How old are you?"
"I'm twenty-two now…And that's pretty old for a woman who isn't married." She said quietly.
Cale remembered the lady that Mrs. Summers said was holding on to Bertram. Was he in love with that lady? How would that affect Amelia?
"I shouldn't ask this, I have no right to, but I'm curious. How come you weren't taken?" Cale asked.
She looked away, and then shrugged. "I had such a hatred for the Comanche for one thing. I saw them kill my parents. I saw it. And I hated them for it. I hated them more for that than what they did to me. But…I am a fast learner. When I saw that they respected hard work. I began to try everything that the other women did. I even tried to learn to shoot the bow and arrow, and would challenge the young warriors
to races. I think they found me unattractive for being so bold. But they did respect me. I was so afraid of them that I didn't take care of myself. I rarely combed my hair, I rarely took a bath. I guess I thought if I stayed dirty they wouldn’t want to touch me. I know in my mind, I was scared to death they might try. I'd heard my father tell my mother about other women that had been captured. So I did everything to detract from myself. Once, one of the chief's son's touched my hair, as though fascinated that it was blond and not black. I was so scared I spit in his face. He made me pay for that by making me work twice as hard. No others tried after that."
He snickered. "I'm glad they didn't touch you, for your sake. Besides, you are betrothed, that counts. And it will be easier for him to marry you now."
"You keep saying that. But…I don't feel betrothed. And you forget one very important thing."
"What's that?"
"He may not believe me."
Cale knew this in his heart but he didn't think she would. He stared at her now. "Don't you still love him?" He asked in an almost whisper.
"Love him?" She stood up now, pacing about. "I can't even remember how he looks. I can't remember our relationship. I can't remember how his lips felt on mine. Or if we even kissed back then. I don't even know if I know how to kiss…"
"Oh yes ma'am, you know how to kiss…" He turned to look at her now.
She blushed. "I hadn't expected you to kiss me back…"
"Well ma'am, there are some things that sort of come natural. If you know what I mean." He smiled gently at her.
"You're a complicated man, Cale. I like you."
"Nothing complicated about me." He let out a breath as though he'd been holding it.
She nodded. "The Comanche lived by waring with everyone. Killing was something I saw a lot of. And in not so nice a ways either. The way they tortured the white people made me hate them even more. I hated them, feared them. I guess that's why the gun bothers me so."
"A man can't live without the gun out here. Everyone wants the land and water rights. Animals are wild and some have to be put down. Like the men who killed my sisters and mother. If I'd have been here, with a gun, I might have prevented what happened."
Heart of a Captive Page 9