by Anthology
Jamie held me tight while I continued to weep, his large hands rubbing my back. He didn’t whisper words of comfort that wouldn’t hit their mark, he didn’t try to tell me it would all be okay. He just let me purge everything I’d held inside for so long. I was unsure why I was so comfortable around him and willing to divulge what to date, had been the most painful period of my life.
When I had no more tears to cry, and my eyes burned and my throat hurt, he pulled away just enough to wipe the final saltwater away with his thumbs. “I’m so, so sorry.” He leaned in to kiss my forehead. “Nothing I can say will take away from the tragedy of what happened. But now I have a better understanding of why you have your reservations about dating a cop.”
“I’m fucked up, I know.” I sniffed and wiped underneath my nose, not worrying about how unattractive it was.
“No, no you’re not. Don’t say that.”
I leaned back so my head rested on the pillow again, Jamie still on top of me.
“I’ve watched my mom mourn my dad for sixteen years now. Sixteen years.” I squeezed my eyes shut. When I opened them, Jamie was looking down on me in confusion.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve grieved my dad, of course. But my mom was never able to move on. She hasn’t dated since his death, his picture is still everywhere in her house, some of his clothes are still hanging in their closet.” I inhaled deeply, holding my breath for a moment, then I whispered, “I don’t want to be like her someday.”
Jamie sighed. “Nothing is going to happen to me.”
He sounded so sure. I shook my head, almost frantically. “You don’t know that.”
Jamie cradled my face in his hands. “Maybe not, but you can’t not live your life because you’re afraid something might happen. If something is going to happen, it’ll happen anyway. You might as well live life to the fullest and enjoy the ride—wherever it leads.”
Looking into his eyes, so insistent, I almost believed he was right. Almost. But I couldn’t let go entirely to the mantra I’d been carrying inside me for so long.
“I really should be going.” I shifted away from him on the mattress. “Can you drive me home?”
He stared at me for a moment, silent and still. “We should talk about this.”
“I just want to go home right now,” I whispered, a pleading edge to my voice. I’d already divulged more of myself than I’d normally be willing to and I couldn’t handle anymore tonight.
His lips pursed, but he nodded. “Okay.”
A half hour later, Jamie pulled his truck up my driveway. He'd been silent the entire drive home. I knew he was mentally running over what I'd told him, probably trying to think of some way to get me to see reason. I wasn't sure that was possible. I'd been this way almost as long as I could remember...held onto that mantra, grabbing hold of it like it was a life preserver and I was lost in the open sea.
"Thanks for driving me. Sorry it's so late." I didn't have the nerve to glance over at him. I wasn't sure what I would see and that scared me.
"Jackie, look at me," he said, his voice soft. Jamie's hand gripped my chin and forced me to turn in his direction. He looked intent, purposeful. "I had an amazing evening with you, and I want to do it again." He leaned forward and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. "Please tell me we can do it again."
I gave him a small smile. "I've never been asked for a repeat in the sac quite like that. You need to work on your game," I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
Jamie didn't laugh, didn't even quirk a smile. "I'm not referring to us fucking again. That's bound to happen if we spend any amount of time together. We have too much chemistry for it not to.” His gaze was penetrating, but softened some before he continued. “I want to spend more time with you. Outside of the bedroom."
I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, unsure what to say. I really liked Jamie. My feelings for him were more intense than they'd been with anyone before him. But I didn't want to fall for him. I wasn't even sure I could let my guard down enough for that to happen, but still, I was afraid to find out.
"Please say yes," Jamie whispered. His voice was steady, but his eyes were pleading.
I wanted to say no. Correction. I wanted to want to say no. But damn it, I didn’t have the strength. As much as the panic was bubbling up inside of me again, I couldn't. Not when he was looking at me like that. “Fine.”
His eyebrows drew down. "Fine isn't exactly the enthusiastic response I was hoping for, but I'll take what I can get. Thank you." He leaned forward, pressing his lips to mine again and holding them there a moment. I breathed in his scent, finding it brought a small amount of ease after what I’d just agreed to. When he pulled away, there was hope in his eyes. "You go get some sleep. I'll call you this week, and we can figure out what night will work between both our shifts."
I nodded and stepped out of the truck, liking the feel of the cool summer night air on my face. I felt emotionally exhausted as I headed up my porch steps. I’d definitely be getting sleep tonight. Well, hopefully. As I unlocked the door and entered my home, I gave Jamie a small wave then shut the door. Tossing my purse on the front hall table, I walked to the kitchen in search of a glass of water.
The instant I saw the vase with the flowers Jamie had given me in the middle of my kitchen table, I burst into tears. God, why did I have to be so fucked up? Why couldn't I be like any other girl who would probably rejoice in the fact that a man like Jamie wanted them?
I sank down into the seat, my elbows on the table, the heels of my hands on my forehead, and I let the tears fall. It’d been years since I'd cried like this, and now I'd done it twice in one evening. It had been so long since I’d let someone get close enough to me that they had the ability to make me cry. That was the most frightening thought of all. Because whether I wanted him to or not didn't seem to matter. Jamie had already stolen a piece of my heart. And like a thief in the night, I hadn't even realized he'd done it until it was too late.
Chapter Thirteen
Jamie
It took some planning with both of our crazy shifts, but we were able to meet up mid-week. We'd decided I would meet Jackie at Geddy’s Bar after my shift was up. I'd showered and changed quickly at work to race over to meet her.
I'd thought of little but her since I'd dropped her at her place on the weekend. After she'd confided in me about why she didn't want to date a cop, everything clicked into place—why she continued to deny our connection, her hard and fast rule about not dating any emergency service personnel.
I didn't like what she'd had to tell me, but I understood. I couldn't imagine having my father ripped away from me at such a young age. My own father was being taken from me as an adult—slowly and in stages.
Walking into the restaurant, I spotted Jackie at a table in the center of the space. She gave me a wary smile as I approached, which I supposed was better than her running off. Or worse, standing me up. I knew this was new territory for her. I needed to keep that in mind.
"You look as stunning as ever." I leaned in and gave her an innocent kiss on the mouth before taking my own seat. If I thought I could get away with more, I would have. I'd been desperate to taste her lips again since I'd last left her.
"Thank you." A faint blush crept over her cheeks, reminding me of how she had looked after she'd orgasmed. "How was your shift?"
I shrugged. "Nothing too exciting. Some teenage prank stuff and a dispute between neighbors over a barking dog." I rolled my eyes.
She laughed for a second before the waitress approached the table. We ordered a pair of beers and, by the time she had returned to the table, the conversation had moved on.
"So tell me...what is the craziest nine-one-one call you've ever gotten? I'm sure you must hear some interesting stuff. I know we do," I said.
She looked up to the ceiling for a second, elongating her neck, which was like an invitation to lean in and suck on it. Somehow I was able to keep my ass in my seat.
"Once, when I had
only been there for a few months, this guy called in to report that his cable had gone out in the middle of Breaking Bad.” She chuckled. “I’m laughing now, but it wasn’t funny at the time.”
“There should be some kind of penalty when people abuse the service,” I said, disgusted.
“Tell me about it. He was drunk, needless to say. Probably high, too.” She rolled her emerald eyes, and I found it completely endearing. “So what’s your best story from the trenches?”
“That’s an easy one. Back in Boston we got a call from a couple who were holed up in their apartment bathroom because their cat had gone crazy.”
She scrunched up her forehead. “What does that mean, the cat went crazy?”
I leaned forward, grinning. “Picture letting a cherry bomb off in a box, rocketing around in there every which way. Only it’s a cat with claws, panicked and stuck in a small apartment and once it latches on to you, it’s next to impossible to get off.”
Jackie laughed and it lit up her eyes. “Wow, now I know why I was never a cat person.” She lifted her drink to her mouth and ran her tongue over her bottom lip when a small drop escaped. It was an innocent act, but it was distracting to my dirty mind.
I nodded. “It took two animal control personnel and four officers, two hours to catch the cat before the people were able to come out of the bathroom. When they did, they had to go to the hospital to be treated so they wouldn’t develop an infection from all the scratches. They were covered from head to toe.”
Jackie brought her hand to her chest. “Oh, my God. That’s awful.”
"I wish I could've videotaped it. Watching all these tough macho guys scared of a small cat and trying to catch this thing without getting their eyes scratched out was hysterical." I started laughing just remembering it all. I was laughing so hard that I hadn't noticed some guy had approached our table.
"Hey, Jackie." He was a little younger than I was, and he ignored me as he leaned across the table, looking directly at her.
She shifted in her seat, her eyes darting between me and him. "Hey, Terry."
"I haven't heard from you lately. I was thinking about you the other day and then here you are." He gave her a cheesy, suave smile, and there was something in his tone that I didn't like...something that suggested they knew each other on more than just a friendly basis.
"Hey, I'm Jamie.” I stuck my hand out across the table to shake his. “Good to meet you." The tone of my voice implied I wasn't actually happy to meet him, but that suited me fine.
He glanced briefly over his shoulder at me. "Hey, man." Ignoring my outstretched hand, he turned his attention back to Jackie.
Jackie's face was colored red now. "I'm kind of busy right now. Can we catch up another time?" The expression on her face was imploring him to go away.
"Sure, doll. I'll leave you to it.” I clenched my fist under the table and drew in a breath to calm myself. “But be sure to give me a call soon." He backed away from the table and gave her a onceover, making it no mystery what was on his mind. "It's been too long." Then he sauntered away.
I suddenly felt like punching something. Or someone. Mainly him.
"Sorry about that." Jackie cringed.
I wasn’t sure if I should ask what the hell that was all about or just leave it. I decided that some douchebag wasn't worth ruining this date over, so I'd ignore the prick for now. There was something I was curious about, though.
"I'm surprised that, with everything that happened with your dad, you chose to get into the profession you did."
She looked down to the table for a moment, taking a thoughtful sip of her beer. "In some ways, I think it’s because of what happened." She pressed her plump lips together. "I could never be a cop like my dad, not after what happened. But helping people in need and doing your civic duty was so important to him. I can remember him talking about it to me when I was little. Being a nine-one-one Operator was a way to honor my dad and help out people in need at the same time, I guess."
I nodded my head slowly. "I get it."
Jackie shrugged. "It's probably the only healthy way I've dealt with losing him. Obviously I haven't mastered the matters of the heart yet." She gave a humorless chuckle.
"I'm doing my best to rectify that," I said, looking into her eyes with all the softness and sincerity I could muster.
"I know." She picked at the label on her beer for moment, then drew in a deep breath and gave me a sad smile. I was about to change the subject when her gaze flicked behind me, and her expression turned from melancholy to anger in the time it took her to blink.
"What's the matter?" I craned my neck to look behind me. She’d seemed to be looking at a guy in a pair of dress slacks and button-up shirt seated in the back with a brunette. His gaze flicked over to our table while I was still looking at him and his eyebrows drew down, his lips forming a thin line until he turned his attention back to the woman.
"Who is that?" I asked.
Jackie was still staring at him with an intensity I hadn't seen—even when she'd been pissed with me before. "My friend Chloe's ex, the one she found drilling his secretary on his desk one night. You might remember the tramp he cheated with. She's the one who bid on you at the auction."
That rankled me. Was that the only reason she'd decided to bid on a date with me? To shove the dagger into some woman who had wronged her friend? Heat filled my face, and I clenched my jaw.
"What's the matter with you?" Jackie asked, frowning at me.
"Nothing."
Her look told me I was full of shit. "Nice try."
Fine. She asked for it. "Is that why you bid on me?" I accused.
Her mouth fell open. "Are you serious?"
"As a heart attack."
Jackie blinked rapidly a few times. "After what happened the night of our date, you actually care how it came to be that I ended up there?"
"I do.” I leaned forward over the table. “Now answer me and stop avoiding the question."
She huffed out a breath. "Is it one of the reasons? Yes. But it's not the only one."
"Explain." I crossed my arms over my chest like I did when I was working and trying to intimidate someone into telling me the truth.
"A big part of it was that I happen to think a lot of that charity, and they do so much good in the community." She crossed her arms over her chest and raised a brow, daring me to call her a liar.
I believed her, especially after what she'd told me about her father. The charity helped families who had lost a cop or firefighter in the line of duty.
"I wish they had had something like that when my father passed away." Jackie gave a sad smile.
I arched a brow. "And...what was the other part?"
Her eyes darted down to the tabletop.
"Jackie..."
"I wasn't about to let that tramp get her claws into you, okay?" she said in a heated voice.
A slow grin spread across my face as I realized the reason behind her words. "You were jealous."
She looked affronted. "I was not!"
"Please. Admit it. You were green with envy."
She shot me a death glare across the table, and I laughed.
"This is a little like the pot calling the kettle black, you know,” she huffed. “I seem to remember someone manhandling me into a back alley while I was on a date so he could physically accost me. Sound familiar?" A self-satisfied smirk spread across her gorgeous face.
"Touché." I lifted my beer and took a sip. "I didn't, nor do I, like the idea of another man's hands on you."
She looked somewhat satisfied by that. "Well, I didn't like the idea of that tart's hands all over you, either. And when I started thinking of all the things she'd probably want to do with you at the end of the date, it pissed me off and I bid before I could really think about it."
Her statement left me wanting to beam, but I needed to know one more thing for sure. "Do you regret it?"
She paused for a beat. "No."
I grinned wide again, happy that
at least that much was true.
Chapter Fourteen
Jackie
After dinner, I invited Jamie back to my place for drinks. Why did I do that? I probably came off as needy and desperate when I was none of those things. But as the evening had been winding down, I began to hate the idea of going home alone.
That was new.
I couldn't recall ever really feeling that way before, other than on the anniversary of my dad's death and what would’ve been his birthday if had he still been alive.
His truck pulled in behind me in the driveway, and he followed me up to the house. I opened the door and threw my purse on the front hall table, making my way to the kitchen. "Can I get you something to drink?" I knew that if Jamie agreed to my suggestion, it in all likelihood meant that he would be staying the night, having had too much to drive home.
"Sure. Whiskey if you have it."
I bent over to retrieve the bottle from the cupboard I kept all my booze in. I was a party girl. I had almost everything on hand. I stopped mid-crouch, thinking about how I hadn't felt that much like a party girl these past few weeks. Giving my head a shake, I decided I'd examine that later.
"One whiskey coming right up. How do you want it?"
"On the rocks."
I glanced back to see him checking out the picture of my dad on the mantle. My gut twisted at the sight, and I inhaled a deep breath to steady myself. "Coming right up." I'd have the same. I could use a stiff something that was for sure. I rolled my eyes at myself as I poured the liquid amber over the ice. Something stiff was exactly why I was feeling needy and edgy in the first place.
“Here you go,” I said with a smile as I came into the living room.