He laughed his oily laugh, and too soon we said good-bye.
* * *
As usual, Mama loaded us down with leftovers, cookies and, this time, apple pie. She picked up Hanky-Hank and squeezed him till his eyes looked like they were going to pop out. Then she hugged Hank hard, and there were tears in her eyes as she turned to Uncle Sean. I caught her words as she whispered in his ear, then kissed his cheek.
“I’m glad for you, Sean,” she said. “You be good to him.”
Mama hugged me, then stood back at arms length. “You’ve lost weight, honey! Aren’t you eating well? You bothered about something?”
I averted my eyes, then smiled back at her. “School. I’ll eat better, Mama.”
We all finished our good-byes and were on the way back into Austin as it was turning dark.
Hanky-Hank was asleep in my lap, and in the front seat, Uncle Sean was sitting close to Hank. They exchanged a quick kiss at the first stoplight we came to as we entered the outskirts of Austin. I squeezed the kid and thought of Lance.
Chapter Thirteen:
Charlie, Lee, and Renato
“Are you still mad at me?”
I looked up from the bench in front of the Union where I was reading a novel. I was absorbed in the runner’s life with his coach. They were preparing for the Olympics in Montreal and were getting flack from every direction they turned for being gay, openly so, even though the coach had been trying to keep things under wraps. Several times since I’d started reading I had flipped to the back cover, surprised and a little unbelieving that a woman could have written such a heart-stopping story about two men. It was causing a stir on campus. So when I looked up into Charlie’s face, shadowed by the sun, noticing also that Lee was with him, it took me a moment to register who it was. His simple question had jolted me back to the more mundane affairs of campus life at UT.
“What? Hey Charlie. Lee.”
“I said are you still mad?”
I shook my head, actually wishing I could go back to reading, but I knew Charlie was trying to make up after the way we had parted the morning after the concert. In the background behind me, through the gates of the Union building, came the banshee scream of an electric saw and the irregular pounding of hammers. I piled my books on the grass at my feet and scooted to one side of the bench to make room. When Charlie and Lee were sitting down, I threw my arm around Charlie and gave him a little squeeze. “I shouldn’t have blamed you, Charlie. And no. I’m not still angry—at you. But I still don’t have no use for Renato. What kind of asshole—”
“Ooh! You are still mad,” Lee said, leaning forward and trading frowns with me. I noticed his hair was clean and fly-away today, and he was dressed in a light jacket, khakis, and roper boots. In fact, Charlie was dressed the same, so I figured I’d been right. They were a couple.
I squelched the urge to continue the debate. I shrugged. “I guess it’s my business if I want to dislike someone like Renato. He doesn’t have the right to force something on someone who clearly says they don’t want it.”
“You’re right,” Charlie said. He squeezed Lee’s leg. “We’re not here to fight, man. But I’ve been missing your friendship. What say we catch a burger or something? I wanna tell you what’s been going on.” He glanced at Lee and Lee smiled at me this time.
“I think I already guessed, Charlie. I think it’s great. You and Lee are boyfriends. But now you can’t concentrate on school because you guys aren’t ready to come up for air.”
They both laughed at that.
I kept it to myself that Lee had made remarks at that first GPA meeting about being a faux heterosexual if you wanted a boyfriend, and so now I was dying to know if he and Charlie were really boyfriends or just having sex, and if Lee would trick around on him. But I figured there would be time to find out later. We had a lot of catching up to do.
I reluctantly turned down the page in the book and piled it with the rest of my stuff. It was early afternoon, and I had just been hanging around campus, thinking about going to the geology lab where I worked to get set up for some core-sample analysis we were doing on the Balcones escarpment.
Both Lee and Charlie watched as I picked up my books and stood. Charlie looked up at me. “So, you gonna go with us?”
“Lead the way,” I said. A hamburger sounded good about then.
It seemed that October had brought with it a kind of golden hue to the sunlight and, as mid-afternoon pulled long shadows from the buildings and the breezes flowing through campus grew chilly, I felt light and happy, kind of eager for more crisp mornings when my running would be less sweaty. We came to a parking lot where Charlie kept his ‘Stang convertible. I pushed the bucket seat forward on the passenger side and climbed into the back, wincing at the heat the leather had absorbed, even though the air was cool. Lee and Charlie fell into their places in the buckets, and I was pleased to see that after Charlie had started the engine and shifted into drive, their hands came together. Lately, I’d been viewing other couples from the back seat, and today my heart kind of sagged wishing that Lance and I were together.
We headed off campus and down Guadalupe, past all the pubs and eating joints and, as we picked up speed the cool air fluffed my hair and cooled my face and neck. I was wearing a wind breaker and was glad for it, though it wasn’t really all that cold. Lee turned around in the seat and faced me, his long hair getting whipped into his face, but he tossed his head and it flew away. I could see what Charlie saw in him, though he was too angular for my tastes.
“Charlie says you want to know what happened the night of the concert.”
I was a little startled at the question. Not because I didn’t want to know, but because for once it was the farthest thing from my mind. “If you can remember any better than me or Charlie, I would.”
Lee nodded and the hair was back in his face. “LSD affects people differently,” he said. “I can remember intricate details of the entire evening. But if I hadn’t been tripping, I couldn’t tell you much more than who the band was at the concert.”
I didn’t want to rile Charlie, but I had to ask. “Then did we have an orgy, or what, Lee? I remember lying on Charlie’s bed and felt like I was being held down. I remember seeing somebody whacking off and Renato leaning over me at one point.”
Charlie presented his profile to me as he glanced at Lee then back at the road. In that one glance I couldn’t read Charlie’s face, but Lee’s indicated that he and Charlie had talked about this and Lee looked hesitant, as if maybe Charlie didn’t want him to tell me.
“I wouldn’t know about that,” Lee said. He turned in his seat, and I grabbed his shoulder, feeling the bones through his jacket. I dug my fingers in, feeling angry.
“Hey, you brought it up. So tell me.”
Charlie pulled off the road and I thought he was going to stop and tell me to hoof it home or something. But he’d pulled into the parking lot of a Copper Kettle restaurant. I didn’t wait for Charlie to get out and leave his door open. I just lifted myself up out of the back seat and slid over the side of the car. Both of them looked kind of hang-dog when they got out, not meeting my eyes, and I knew they both knew what had happened that night—whether Charlie actually remembered it or Lee had filled him in. And again, I felt angry, knowing that they had talked about it one way or another. They knew I wasn’t going to like hearing about it, either.
Still, we didn’t flare up at one another but went into the restaurant and sat at a booth away from the afternoon dessert eaters in there. We were far enough away from campus that no one was settled in the restaurant drinking coffee and studying.
Like any chain restaurant, the Copper Kettle has it’s own theme, and the décor is red leather seats and copper accents, with a large open hearth in the center of the eating area, above which hangs a huge copper kettle. Such restaurants are Hank’s favorites, since they offer a wide range of specialty plates, so even his eating tastes don’t rise far from the ordinary. Mine don’t either, but Uncle Sean
prefers restaurants with a little less ostentation and a little more in the way of gourmet food. I’m still a basic meat and potatoes kind of guy and even though my stomach was a little heavy with dread about what it was Lee might be able to tell me about the night of the ZZ Top concert, a hamburger still sounded good.
When the waitress showed up and delivered the novella of a menu, each page covered in clear plastic and full-color prints of the food items, we each took one and for a few minutes were absorbed with the array of entrees and desserts.
Charlie and Lee settled on a plate of fries and milkshakes and I ordered a hamburger, fries, and a cup of coffee. When the waitress took our order and left, I said, “So was there an orgy that night or not?” I glanced from Lee to Charlie, watching as they again exchanged looks, then I settled onto Lee’s face trying not to frown or look particularly angry, though I felt like screaming out my question like an accusation.
I was actually afraid to know that there had been an orgy, and my hand shook as I brought the cup of coffee to my lips a moment after the waitress had set it front of me. So far Lee hadn’t said anything, due more to the waitress’ presence than his reticence, which was also making him stall.
“Look guys,” I said, trying to smile. “I’ve gotta know what went on that night. I don’t want to have been raped, and that’s exactly what I’d call it if I ended up having sex with one of you guys when I was on my head trip.”
Charlie frowned at me. “Can’t you just let it go a little, Will? Is it going to help knowing?”
That scared me, because it sounded like Charlie was trying to avoid telling me that my worst fears were true. “What kind of stupid question is that, Charlie? If I got raped, I damn well want to know it and who did it. Maybe you forget, but what I have with Lance is based on trust and monogamy.”
“But that’s just too freaky, man,” Lee said. “You’re gay.”
“I don’t want to go around fucking like a damned jackrabbit, all right? And I sure as hell don’t want anybody making that decision for me.”
Charlie continued to frown at me, but he put his hand on Lee’s arm. “I told you, Lee, to keep your gay politics out of this.” Lee glared at him and then Charlie turned to me. “Then maybe you’re a little less noble than you think, Will, because you were the one acting all hot and horny once the acid took hold if you want to know the truth.”
I felt like I’d been stomped in the gut. And I remembered the erection I had gotten at the concert and rubbing against Charlie from behind. But I was afraid he was talking about something I had done that was even worse. “And you knew this that morning when I asked you what had happened?”
He nodded and looked worried. “How was I going to tell you? You were so pissed, you probably wouldn’t have believed me.”
“But I remember being held down, Charlie. If I was so hot and ready, why did I have to be held down?”
“Aw, Will. I can tell you’re really hurting about this,” Charlie said. “It’s just I didn’t think you’d really want to know all the stupid details.”
I was exasperated, about to explode, feeling a knot of dread building up in my stomach and when the waitress returned with our food and set the burger down in front of me, the meat shiny and gleaming with grease, I thought I was going to puke. I shoved it to the side and picked up my coffee, again. “Well, you have it all wrong, Charlie. I have to know, no matter what the truth is.”
So Lee and Charlie proceeded to tell me. It went pretty much as I’d remembered. We got to the concert, and it was hot and noisy, and the crowd was really getting into the band. And it was true that I had rubbed my crotch against Charlie, too. This made the dread grow a little more.
“So we stayed until the intermission,” Charlie said. “You were kissing around on me and trading tongues with Renato, and you were acting so horny crazy that Renato suggested we leave before people around us got testy.”
“So did we go back to your room?”
“Yeah.”
“And then what? Did I just keep on?”
“No, Will, you didn’t.”
I was relieved to hear that. “So what happened?”
“Renato was mad at you, because when you lay down on the bed and he was trying to make out with you, you kept saying ‘no.’“
I remembered that, and I was kind of relieved, though still shocked that I would have been making out with any of the guys, anywhere. “So then what?”
“Well,” Lee said, “You had everybody worked up and we all just went at it, though I don’t think we did much, really, just kind of whacked each other off and stuff.”
I was horrified. “Did I? Did I do that, too?”
“No.”
I was even more relieved, because my own memory of the events wasn’t all that far off, except maybe out-of-sync. “I didn’t get raped or anything?”
Charlie smiled, but there was a hint of something in his eyes I couldn’t quite name. “You did not have sex with anyone, Will, even though you led us all to believe it’s what you wanted.”
So, was it disappointment I read in his face? “Well, I’m relieved and sorry I was such an ass.”
“So can we just forget about it, then?” This was from Charlie, but Lee nodded and said, “Yeah. If you’re not going to eat your burger, do you mind if I have some of it?”
* * *
I spent the rest of the afternoon with Charlie and Lee feeling stunned—and disappointed in myself—at what they’d told me I had done. It was not the actions of a trust-worthy husband, nor a monogamous one. They told me things I didn’t like hearing, so I tried to relax and finally got them to talk about themselves as a couple. It was the first time I’d spent more than a few minutes with Lee, other than the night of the concert, so I concentrated on getting to know him a little better, too. In a way, I could tell he was the dominant one in their relationship, but I guess all I mean by that is they adopted his ‘politics’ about being a couple. They told me they were ‘buddies’ and that they had this ‘thing’ going. When I pressed, Lee said that they had an open relationship, and when I glanced at Charlie, something in his eyes reminded me of the times I’d watched him on campus when he wasn’t aware of me. I wouldn’t exactly call it unhappiness. And maybe it was good for him to finally lose his virginity and to have sex more or less regularly with Lee.
So I commented on what they said, nodded when it seemed appropriate, tried to laugh and to appear lighthearted. But as the afternoon went on and we moved from the restaurant to the car and hit the road and shared a joint, I couldn’t shake the gloom closing in on me about what I had done that night. I believed what Lee and Charlie told me because too much of it was as I remembered it. I had apparently put the make on one or all of them and only backed off when they attempted to reciprocate.
I guess.
I just don’t remember. It was too much to hope that they were lying to me to protect themselves from something they did to me.
I had a lot to think about, and I didn’t like myself all that much when they dropped me off on campus. Any energy I had had prior to that afternoon was weighted down with the gloom that hung over me as I began walking home. The shadows around the buildings were growing darker and deeper as dusk came to a close. The street lamps were already coming on, shining dully in the coming of night. Clouds banked in the west, and just the faintest pink stained the deepening blue of the sky above.
Inside my chest it was already pitch black. I wasn’t the person I thought I was. Take away my conscious will power and I turn into a slut.
“Hey Cocktease!”
I must have been walking with my head down, because I looked up right into the smirking eyes of Renato. I was standing in the middle of a parking lot, passing through to another maze of buildings, and so he must have seen me and positioned himself to cross my path.
I couldn’t say I was glad to see him, but I attempted a completely unfelt smile. “Hey, Renato.”
He looked me up and down with shadowed eyes that said h
e’d like to eat me up. “Are you going to finish what you started? You gave me...how you say...blue balls.”
My heart had begun to pound and all I really wanted was to leave him standing in his tracks and make my way home. It would be dark long before I made it, and I wanted to be back with Uncle Sean, Hank, and the kid. But Renato was right, I guess, according to what Lee and Charlie had said.
“I wasn’t in my right mind that night, Renato. Thanks to you.”
“Does that mean you find me irresistible? I always get my man, you know.”
“Sounds like you’re a Canadian Mountie, then.”
At that remark, he just looked blankly at me. At least I had confused him long enough to get the smirk off his face. “I’m not in on that particular expression,” he said. “But hey, you had to enjoy kissing me.”
“I wouldn’t know if I enjoyed it or not, Renato, because I don’t remember much—only that you were trying to get in my pants and I wouldn’t let you.”
“Then let’s start over, eh? We could go somewhere...say into those bushes, and you could finish what you started.”
We both looked toward the chemistry compound where darkness was already complete between the narrowly spaced buildings and where the bushes formed secret areas. I was used to how the gays talked about having sex in the parks and rest areas along the highway; and even if Renato’s suggestion was made in half-jest, I’m sure if I had agreed he would have willingly carried through. I’m also sure that the danger of sex outdoors on campus was part of the thrill in his suggestion.
I shook my head. “I have to apologize, Renato. I’m not as loose as all that, and I sure wouldn’t have done what I did if I hadn’t been nearly unconscious that night. You just happened to get lucky I even made out with you. So why don’t you just go home and whack off?”
He laughed.
I think Charlie would have thought I was crazy to turn down Renato. I know Lee would have thought so, and Tim, and a half-dozen other guys around campus. But I was relieved to know that nothing much sexual had happened that night and that even in my unconscious state, I had turned down Renato. So I wasn’t about to take things any further, now.
All Over Him Page 14