by Nina Levine
“Fuck me, Tatum, this shrink you’re seeing is worth her weight in gold. And for the record, I love you, too.”
I stirred my drink. “Okay, now that’s out of the way, tell me how you’re going with your search for a pierced cock.”
“Ugh. Let’s not go there.”
Laughing, I said, “You know what we need?”
“What?”
“A girls’ night out. You can look for Mr. Pierced and I can look for Mr. Not Closed Off.”
She turned silent again.
When she didn’t speak, I said, “You still there, Roe?”
“Yeah,” she said softly, her voice cracking. “This is nice.”
“What?”
“Us, talking girls’ nights outs and men and dating. It’s been too long since we’ve done this.”
I knew what she was saying. Since I shut down on her and retreated from life. “Yeah, it’s nice.”
A knock on my front door interrupted us and I ended the call after promising that we would definitely have a night out soon.
The new lightness I felt was both strange and wonderful. I’d come home from the therapy session and cried for an hour and then slept for two. When I woke, it was as if the tears and the sleep were therapy in themselves. I woke with a desire to cook dinner and watch television. I couldn’t remember the last time I looked forward to such simple things.
I reached the front door and checked in the peephole to see who it was. My belly fluttered at the sight of Nitro standing on the other side. And in that moment, I knew the therapist was right. Again. I did know whether I wanted to see him again. The proof was in the way my body responded to him, the way my heart sped up when he was near.
I opened the door and smiled as our eyes met. “Nitro.”
Heat flared in his gaze. He couldn’t even hide it and I wasn’t sure he was trying to. The way he looked at me made me think he’d come here for something other than club business. “We need to talk.”
I moved aside. “Okay.”
He stepped inside and I followed him into the house. We’d almost made it to the kitchen when he suddenly turned to me, snaked his arm around my waist and pushed me up against the wall. Pressing his body hard to mine, his fingers worked their way into my hair and his mouth found mine.
Every inch of my skin burned with desire. I thought I’d seen passion from Nitro. I thought he’d given every piece of himself when he’d fucked me. I hadn’t seen anything yet. Nitro gave new meaning to intensity with this kiss. With the way his whole body commanded my attention and demanded I give him what he wanted.
When he ended the kiss, eyes full of hunger lingered on my mouth for a beat. He then shifted his gaze to meet mine. His hands remained in my hair, his body against mine. “I can’t go another night without you, Vegas.”
His raspy voice, full of raw need, washed over me. God, how I’d missed this voice. Missed this man.
I slid my hands up his body to take hold of his face. Pulling it down to mine, I took his passion and I raised it. I kissed him for what felt like forever. When we finally pulled apart, we were both breathless, panting for more. “Thank fuck,” I said as I practically crawled up his body.
He held me tightly and walked us into my bedroom while I wrapped everything I had around him.
Legs.
Arms.
Hands.
Feet.
Hope.
29
Nitro
“It Goes Like This” by Thomas Rhett
I traced lazy circles over Tatum’s hip while she slept. It was still dark outside, but I couldn’t sleep. I’d woken up hard as hell for her and that need had only grown the more I watched and touched her.
I hadn’t meant to, but I passed out after I fucked her last night. The sex had been intense. Fuelled by all the fucked-up emotions inside of me. She’d thrown her shit at me, too. I’d felt it in the way she clung and clawed and marked me with her teeth. It had been off the charts and had completely wiped me so that I slept for seven straight hours afterwards. Sleeping that long was something I never did.
She stirred and rolled over. Still half asleep, she swung a leg over my body. Next came her arm, which landed across my chest, her hand snaking under me. She rested her head in the space between my shoulder and face. I thought she would fall back asleep, but she surprised me when her mouth kissed my skin, a small moan escaping.
Placing my hand on her ass, I murmured, “Morning, Vegas.”
She kissed her way from my chest, up my throat, to my mouth. Pulling my bottom lip between her teeth, she met my gaze and smiled. Her knee then dug into the mattress and she moved to sit on top of me.
My eyes dropped to her tits. I fucking loved her tits. Could spend hours with my mouth on them. That morning, though, she had other ideas.
Tilting my face back up, she demanded, “Tell me how this is going to go down between us.”
I gripped her hips and rocked up against her. “Fuck, I like this bossy side of you. It’s making me harder than I already was.”
She didn’t smile. “I need to know, Nitro.”
“As in you want a play-by-play of the next ten years or you want to know if I’ve just come for a quick fuck?”
She sat back and ran her hands through her hair. Again, my eyes were drawn to her tits. Couldn’t help myself. “Fuck,” she muttered. “She’s fucking right. Shit.”
I watched in fascination as Tatum lost her shit. I didn’t know what she was rambling about, but it was sexy as hell seeing her do it. When a pained look crossed her face, I pressed a finger to her lips, silencing her. “You know how hot you look when you do that?”
She scowled as she smacked my hand away. “I’m here having a mental breakdown and all you’re thinking about is fucking me?”
I grinned, loving this. “This ain’t anything new. I’m always thinking about fucking you.”
She seemed to like that because her expression softened. But she kept up the hard-ass routine. “Yeah, well maybe you could think about something other than pussy for a minute.”
“I could think about tits instead, or ass. Or tits and ass. Hell, I could even get on board thinking about your mouth wrapped around my cock.”
She rolled her eyes, but I saw the amusement there. “Who knew you could be so playful, Nitro?”
I smacked her ass lightly. “Okay, tell me who is right.”
“Huh?”
“Before… you were muttering something about some woman being right. What did you mean?”
She sighed. “My therapist. She says these things to me that I don’t agree with at the time, but then I’m always proven wrong. It drives me fucking crazy.”
My respect for Tatum only grew in that moment. “What did she say that was right this time?”
“She told me that perhaps I didn’t always need to be looking into the future trying to figure out how situations would turn out to decide whether to pursue them. I argued with her, but just now when you asked me about seeing ten years down the track, it made me think that maybe she was right. Maybe I don’t need to think that far ahead with you.”
I already liked her shrink. “In answer to your question, this wasn’t just about getting laid last night.”
She stilled. “Okay,” she said softly.
I decided brutal honesty was the best way forward. “I can’t give you a play-by-play, though, Vegas.”
Watching me quietly, she thought about that for a minute. And then she shifted so she was lying on top of me instead of sitting. Her lips lingered on mine for a beat before she smiled. “I can work with that.”
* * *
“Billy’s raised his price,” King said later that day. He’d called me, Hyde, Kick and Devil into the office to discuss our gun supplies. We still hadn’t worked out what Dragon had planned, but we knew he had stocked his supplies high.
“Jesus, he’s already overpriced,” Kick said. His recovery was going well but I knew he was sick of being cooped up in the clubhouse where King
had been keeping him. They’d argued repeatedly over it, but King remained adamant. It didn’t surprise me. Kick was King’s golden boy, always coming through with whatever King needed. I’d seen the fear in King’s eyes when we’d brought Kick in after being shot. He hadn’t slept until he knew Kick would survive. And these days he was taking no chances. I figured Kick would be stuck in the clubhouse for weeks still.
“Well, you know my thoughts on Billy,” I said.
“And you know that there aren’t many other options,” Hyde snapped.
“Maybe we need to look outside Sydney,” I said, glaring at Hyde.
Devil cut in. “Well, whoever we get them from, we need to make sure they’re not going to screw us over down the track and withhold supply like Sutherland has.”
King nodded. “Agreed. And I want our stockpile doubled.”
I whistled low. We already had a huge stockpile. It was a risk to double it. Heat from the cops had been circling us for weeks. They were busting their balls trying to clean up the city and had targeted Silver Hell and Black Deeds. Bronze had managed to keep us out of it but we were kidding ourselves if we thought that could last forever. Carrying a large supply of guns could come back to bite us in the ass if they raided us. “You sure about that, King?”
His jaw clenched. “Yes. Put the feelers out, Nitro. Find us a new supplier or get Billy to lower his price.”
I nodded. King was notorious for not changing his mind once made up.
“How much longer are we going to hold out with this truce?” Hyde asked. He’d been pushing King to rethink the whole thing. Dangerous, I thought. If we broke it, we risked the heat shining our way from the cops and we also risked Dragon being steps ahead of us and coming out guns blazing. It was better to hold off and figure out his plan first.
“As long as it takes,” King snapped. “We rush this, Hyde, and we could lose everything.” King wasn’t known for his patience, and I could tell the strain this waiting had put on him. Reaching for his phone, he said, “I’m heading out for a bit. Call me if you need me.”
“Where the hell does he go every day?” Devil asked after King left the office.
I wondered the same thing. It had been going on for weeks. King kept shit close to his chest, though, so none of us knew.
“Got no idea,” I said. “Who wants to come with me to find us some guns?”
Kick lifted a brow. “You got a lead on someone?”
I smirked at him. “Sit down, fucker. You’re not going anywhere.”
He blew out a long breath. “Fuck, King is fuckin’ killing me here. Hell, even Evie isn’t giving me hell about taking it easy anymore.”
Devil slapped him on the back, grinning like a fool. “Remind me to never take a bullet for the club. Doesn’t seem like you get much for it except King locking you up and your woman locking her pussy up.”
Kick had been vocal in his pain over not getting fucked for weeks after he was shot. He groaned. “This shit with King needs to fuckin’ end. I’ll get you what you need, Nitro.”
“Not a fucking chance in hell am I going against King,” I said.
Hyde took charge. “I’m with Nitro today. Kick stays here and Devil is on Dragon.” He looked at me. “We good to go?”
Hyde was the last person I wanted to spend the day with. Shit hadn’t settled between us since he spoke his mind about me not being committed to the club. But I nodded and followed him out to our bikes. I just had to get through the day. work with Hyde to fix our supplier issue, and then get back to Tatum’s sweet pussy.
30
Tatum
“Unpack Your Heart” by Phillip Phillips
“A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green. Why that?” Nitro asked as his finger glided over the tattoo on my thigh. He’d just fucked me for two hours, and I was sleepy, but he hadn’t taken his hands off me since I’d returned from the bathroom ten minutes ago and his touch kept me awake.
I stared at the words from Francis Bacon that I’d chosen and swallowed hard. “It’s a warning.”
“For what?”
“That my desire for revenge isn’t good for my mental health.”
His eyes found mine. “Revenge for your brother’s murder?”
“Yeah, for that…” and for so much more.
He shifted so he was lying on his side with one leg over mine, his body propped up on his arm, his head resting against his hand. Running a finger along my collarbone, he said, “What else is running around in that pretty head of yours, Vegas? What other revenge do you want?”
Sharing personal stuff with each other hadn’t been part of our relationship before. He’d pretty much always shut down on me whenever I asked him something, and I hadn’t volunteered much either. But we’d taken a step forward, and although I had no play-by-play guiding me as to what this relationship could be, I sensed the change in him. He was interested. Wanted to know more. And while I felt more fear over sharing my heart than I did over doing things grown men would shrink from, I decided to take a chance on him. “I’ve spent hours plotting my ex-husband’s death. Almost every bad thing that’s happened to me in the last couple of years is a direct result of the shit he put me through. It would be easy to kill him. And to get away with it.”
I held my breath and diverted my eyes from his. I’d already said too much. Nitro would surely get up and walk out the door after that confession. I couldn’t imagine anyone but Monroe choosing to stand by me once they knew the thoughts in my head and the things I’d done.
He tilted my chin so I looked back up at him. “What did he do to you?” There was no judgement in his tone, no repulsion in the way he looked at me.
Letting out the breath I held, I shook my head. “Let’s not talk about this, Nitro. It’s done and in the past and I’m trying to move on from it.” My cheeks heated with the self-disgust I always felt when I thought about Randall. All the disgust I felt towards myself stemmed from him, because every shameful thing I’d done was for him.
He shifted on the bed again, this time to press harder against me and to drape his arm over my chest, almost as if he was trying to pin me down. “I have someone in my life who I want dead, too. The shit he did to my family and me… I want him deader than fucking dead. I want to do it slowly, make him hurt and beg for forgiveness. Forgiveness I’ll never give.”
His declaration came out harshly, his pain still sharp. I heard what he was telling me without saying it out loud. This was a safe place between the two of us.
“I met Randall when I was twenty, when I was a naïve uni student just trying to put myself through a law degree. He was seven years older than me and seemed so sophisticated with his own business, expensive car, flashy house. You name it, he had it. And he used all that shit to fool me. After growing up with nothing, I was determined to have things for myself, nice things. I wanted the big house, the cars, the holidays, everything. A year after we met, he proposed and I said yes. It wasn’t until we’d been married for about five years that I opened my eyes to who I’d really married. But, God, us women are fucking dumb sometimes. I swore I could fix him, change him, make us better. If only I did better, he’d stop lying to me, stop treating me like a fool.”
The pressure in my chest became hard to bear. It was like a heavy weight pressing down on me. I needed out from under Nitro’s hold. Pushing his arm away, I forced myself to a sitting position and drew my legs up so my knees were against my chest. I wrapped my arms around my legs and dropped my head to my knees, allowing my tears to fall.
Sobs racked my body, and I let them. I didn’t try to stop any of it. I just let myself move through the emotions as my therapist had suggested. Anger, hurt, shame—I let it all hit me. Most of all, though, I stopped hiding from my self-hatred. I let it bleed out of me.
Lifting my head, I eyed Nitro through my tears. He watched me silently, his hand placed reassuringly on my back. Wiping at my tears and getting myself together, I continued, “Randall had an importing business and he
did well with it, but he always wanted more. More sales, more income, bigger and flashier everything. Was always looking for the next big thing in business to give him the wealth he craved. He managed to get himself into debt and that’s when he turned nasty and mean towards me. We fought all the time. Nothing I did was ever good enough. So I decided I had to help him somehow.” I paused for a moment, willing the tears to hold off until I got this out. “That was when Billy came to me with an offer. I was working in the DPP, and he needed someone to help get him off some charges. I’d known him for about four years, and although I knew he was dirty, I liked him. He’d always been good to me. Before I started working with the DPP, I’d done some legal work for him so I knew what he was into. Anyway, he offered me good cash to help him. One case led to another, and it just spiralled out of control. I did whatever I needed to do to make his problems go away, including lying for him and forging signatures. I always told myself that once I had the money Randall needed to get himself out of shit our problems would go away and I could stop doing that work for Billy. Turned out that the day Randall had the ninety thousand he needed to clear all his debt was the day that he went away.”
Nitro frowned. “He left you?”
I nodded. “Yeah,” I said softly. “For his long-term mistress who I never knew about.”
Nitro’s jaw clenched and his shoulders tensed. “So that motherfucker took the cash you’d sold your fucking soul for and did the fucking dirty on you?”
I gulped back a sob. “Yes,” I whispered. “And then it all went to shit after that. My whole life… fucked. I lost everything.”
“The DPP found out what you’d done,” Nitro said, putting it all together.
“Yes. I was disbarred. My friends, who were all lawyers, walked away from me. I lost my home, my car, everything. The only people I had left were Chris, Monroe, Duvall and Billy.”
“That’s when you started working for Billy?”