by Katy Kaylee
“More than my fair share I suppose. What about you?”
“Right now I’m a stay-at-home mom and a blogger.” I knew that wouldn’t give me away and yet it was very much the truth. It made me realize how much my life had changed over the past months. “Do you enjoy your job?”
“It has its rewards.”
“What did he mean by that? Was he still conducting sex therapy? Did he have a new partner, someone to replace me?”
He wanted to follow his own line of questioning. “What do you blog about?”
“Various things. I’m sort of a ghostwriter for people who have existing blogs. I write about mommy things, helpful hints and solutions to problems. You get the idea.”
“Mommy things? Does that mean you’re a mommy?”
I sucked in my breath and realize what I’d just admitted. I could play it cool and deny it or I could tell the truth. “Yes, as a matter of fact I am.”
I don’t know whether I imagined it but there seem to be a delay on his end. Maybe he was rethinking whether he wanted anything to do with a single mom. I didn’t blame him. I could be looking for someone to support my child, like so many others out there my age. Finally the box popped up. “I’d like to have a child.”
“You would?”
“Very much so. I had one, once. He grew up and he didn’t do a very good job of it. He was killed not long ago, murdered.”
“Oh, my God, I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you. I just realized that’s the first time I’ve put that in writing. It seems to make it all the more real.”
“Do you need someone to talk to? Or, because you are a psychologist, do you have that down?”
“I’ll, that’s a popular misconception. If you’re a therapist at any level, you have your own therapist. It’s all confidential but you need a release as much as the next person.”
“Have you ever had someone you couldn’t fix?”
“Yes.” There was a break in the conversation again. I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for me to say something. Then he continued on. “I couldn’t fix my son.”
At my end I had tears streaming down my face. Of course, he had no way of knowing that any more than he had any idea who he was talking to. He was sad and I knew why, and I was probably the only person he could talk to. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what it is to lose a child.”
“And I hope you never do. I can’t describe the pain. As long as I am telling all, I’ll tell you that I lost my wife to cancer, years ago. And more recently, I lost a girl. She was very special to me. I was ready to offer her the rest of my life when I discovered that she had a secret. At the time, it was the worst thing I could imagine and I couldn’t find it inside myself to forgive her for it. But I’ve been through a lot the last few months. I almost died, a case of bacterial poisoning from airline food. I was in rehab it seemed like forever. But that’s all behind me now and I’m feeling better, back to my old self.”
“And the girl?” I was holding my breath.
“She’s lost to me. I really can’t tell you why or how it happened. I found out one of her secrets and before I had a chance to bring it out in the open and talk with her about it, she was gone. She just disappeared. Then I lost my son and I left the country for a while, you know, to get my head together, as they used to say. Now I’m back, and I’m working, and I know she’s out there somewhere and I hope she’s happy. I have to let her go.”
“Why?”
“I owe it to her. You see, she was about your age and I was enough older that I smothered her. I stole her youth. I blamed her for things she wasn’t responsible for and I didn’t have the balls to admit that it was me who failed her. Now, it’s too late to tell her because I don’t know where she is.”
“Have you tried to find her?”
“I went by where she used to work, but she’s not there anymore. No one seemed to know where she’s gone. She hasn’t come looking for me either, so I think it’s pretty much history. It’s a shame. I wanted to share my life with her.”
A new wave of tears were rushing down my cheeks as I typed, “It sounds like you still never.”
“I always will.”
“Why are you on the dating site? It doesn’t sound like your heart is open to anyone else.”
“That’s true, it’s not. I guess I just come on here to talk to someone. It’s very quiet when you live alone. That might sound strange coming from someone who listens to people talk all day, but when you think about it, it’s them that gets to do the talking.”
“I get that. Let’s pretend for a moment that I’m her. If you could tell her one thing, what would that be?”
“That you are her? I guess I’d say, come back to me. I miss you and I want to start over. None of the past matters. We can get through this together.”
“Wow. That’s pretty heavy.”
“Yeah, I guess it is. It’s one of those things, you know. You had to be there to really understand. Listen, I’m taking up your time when you could be chatting with a dozen other great guys. Why don’t I let you go?”
“There are no other guys. I’m fine right here. That is, if you don’t mind talking to me.”
“No, you’re great to talk to. To tell you the truth, that’s exactly what I need. I need a friend, a female friend but without the intimacy part. Someone to do things with, like go shopping for groceries, go see a movie, I’d fix her car and she fixed me dinner. That kind of thing.”
I was choking on my end but I finally put the words on the screen. “I’m up for something like that.”
“You are?”
“Sure. You sound like a nice guy and I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together here.”
“Would you like to meet? Maybe just for a friendly casual dinner? I promise that’s as far as it’ll go.”
“I’d like that. Where and when?”
“You pick the place and the time. I’m home by six in the evening and I have my weekends open. You’re the one with the child.”
“What about Saturday evening at eight? The little supper club on fourth Avenue called PD’s?”
“We’ve got a date. I’m going to sign off now and make myself something for dinner. I see you at PD’s.”
“Goodbye.”
Was I out of my freaking mind? Nathan wasn’t looking for me. He was only talking to me because he thought I was someone else. I just confessed I had a child. He’s not stupid. When I show up he’s going to know and then he’ll have control over me through Michael. What the hell am I going to do?
I didn’t care. I wanted to see him.
21
Nathan
What in the hell have I done? I don’t want another woman in my life to complicate things. Why couldn’t I leave well enough alone? Did I really think I had enough control over myself to not ruin another woman’s life? If she looked anything like her picture, I found her attractive and I like the way she listened. She was young, as young as Christina. I might think I was in charge of the relationship when in actuality, she might fall for me. There was no way for me to tell what might happen. I started toward the computer to leave her message and call the whole thing off. I knew she’d hurt for a few seconds but then she move on. If I met her for dinner we might actually get along and sooner or later, the question of love and sex and marriage and all that goes with it would come up. It was inevitable. If I turned her down then, it would destroy her. Or, it would destroy me. I needed time. I needed to let at least a couple of years go by so I would be grounded and in my right mind. I was pure reactions — there wasn’t an original plan in my head. I turned the computer back on and brought up the software.
My fingers were poised over the keyboard, and I typed in my login. When it came to the password, I just couldn’t do it. She could be online and she’d see that stupid green dot next to my name and she’d wonder if I was teasing her and had another woman or two on the line. Dating sites could be that way. You would get sort of heady with the attention and overcommit you
rself. It was natural. Patients of mine confessed all sorts of sorted situations evolving from dating sites.
I pulled my hands back and use the mouse to shut down the computer. I was going to go through with it. Out of a sense of honor of nothing more. If we met and I thought she couldn’t handle a casual relationship, I would tell her goodbye then. Just not yet.
I got up the next morning and realized it was Friday. My date for the following night was the first thing that popped into my head. Again I had misgivings but I swallowed them. I had to find the courage to be normal, my normal self. I drove to work and there was an unsettled atmosphere at the prison. Apparently there’d been some sort of scuffle the night before and a guard had been hurt. That was bad news for the inmates. There was always hell to pay when a guard was hurt, or worse. They’d just come off of lockdown and now the inmates would drift out of their cells and gather in small groups in the cafeteria or outdoors, discussing their options and what they were going to do. Somewhere among those men was the attacker.
During situations like those, it was my job to keep people calm. I accomplished that by using a series of diversions. Depending on the source of unrest, it could be something as simple as watching a movie or something more lively like a game of football. It was cold and snowing in the prison yard. It was ringed by mud, the result of a thousand footsteps by the inmates as they walked their exercise route. I knew it was a risk but I hadn’t announced over the PA system that we were going to have a football game in the yard. I dressed warmly, picked up the ball and along with a few extra guards, went out into the yard to organize the teams.
There was a natural organization among gang members, but I tried to break these up. The point was to let them carry out their aggravation into non-hostile, potentially dangerous manner. It worked. We played along, very cold for quarters and then the men were escorted back inside where they headed for their cells and wrapped up in blankets to get warm. Their energy expended, many of them took a nap in the prison was calm once again. I was feeling good about my intervention skills when I got into the car and headed home for the weekend.
Saturday morning, I awakened and once again my date that evening was the first thing that came to mind. Determined to go through with it, no matter what, I showered and put on a sport coat and a pair of wool slacks. I skipped the aftershave, there was no point in making it smell like a romantic date. I showed up at the restaurant five minutes early and asked the waiter to see me, facing the door. I had started to bring a bouquet of roses to give her, but decided that sent the wrong message. Instead, I brought her the gift of a book I recently read and I thought she might be interested in. If she was and if we continue to be friends, it would provide fodder for discussions in the future. The waiter brought me a menu and I asked him to hold off until my guest joined me. He poured two glasses of water, nodded and left. Even though this wasn’t a romantic date, my nerves were still on edge. I busied myself looking at the menu, forming anagrams from the letters of the ingredients.
“Hello.”
I looked up and my heart stopped beating. It was Christina.
“Cat got your tongue?”
“I wasn’t expecting… Never mind. You’re the last person I expected to see. How are you?”
“Truthfully? I’m okay, but I’m lonely. I’ve missed you terribly.”
I breathed in slowly, but audibly. “You don’t know how often I would’ve given everything I own to hear you say those words.”
“Well, I just said them and it won’t cost you a dime.”
I looked around her, certain that my date would be showing up at any moment. What a horrible situation. I wanted to invite Christina to sit down, preferably on my lap so I could put my arms around her and hold on and never let her go again. Yet, she may not be open to that and there I was, meeting another woman. There was no way I could explain that. “Are you here for dinner?”
“That depends.”
“On…?”
“Whether you invite me to sit down.”
My thoughts were racing. Could I take her by the arm and quickly leave out the side door, avoiding the other woman entirely? Could we make it to my car and maybe even as far as my house so we could talk? Would Christina even agree? “I’d love to, but I have plans. I meeting someone.”
She flushed. “Oh, of course, I should have realized that. I’m sorry to have interrupted.”
Was it my imagination or were her words tinged with frost? “Christina, you don’t understand. It’s a woman, yes, and I met her on the dating site, yes. But it’s not what you think. We just had some good conversation and we decided to meet just as friends.”
“But that’s how it always starts, doesn’t it?”
“I know. But this is for real. Look, say the word and we will leave by the side entrance right now. I’ve never met her so she won’t be sure what I look like. She’ll feel like crap that I stood her up, but I don’t want you to go. Please, don’t go.”
“You sure you want to do that to her?”
“Okay, I confess. I told her about us, and she thinks I’m still in love with you. It might sting a little when I’m not here to meet her, but I’ll leave money for her to have dinner and I’ll explain it to her later. I know she’ll understand.”
“Then, let’s go.”
We were out the side door and into my car in under 30 seconds.
22
Christina
I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that. I probably had this image of Nathan being surprised and then embarrassed and maybe even walking out to avoid talking to me. I knew he’d be angry that I had masqueraded as the other girl and I wouldn’t blame him. But it was the only way I could reach out to him.
I got into his car with him. I remembered the way it smelled, of aftershave and a little pipe tobacco it smelled like him and I curled into the seat and allowed it to hug me in lieu of his arms. We arrived at the burrow and wasted no time going inside. He went to the little built-in bar next to the fireplace and brought me scotch. I hated scotch but I was too polite to remind him, so I sipped it with the tip of my tongue.
“You’ve been gone a long time,” I began the conversation.
“Yes. I saw most of the world.”
“Really? What was your favorite country?”
“The US. I got tired of running away and decided to come home.”
“What were you running from?”
“Can’t you guess? First Macon and then you disappeared, not that I blame you one bit. I did a lot of thinking while I was gone, as well as a lot more when I got home. I contracted some sort of bacterial issue on the plane and was in the hospital for quite a while. They tell me I’m lucky to still be here.”
I let my mouth form and O, but let him continue. “I’m glad everything turned out well.”
“Are you? Yes, course you are. I’m falling back into bad habits, my skepticism. You know all about that.”
I smiled gently and nodded but didn’t say a word.
“Do you know how many times I wanted to pick up the phone and call you?”
“Probably the same number of times that I wished you had.”
“So, where do we stand? I’ve missed you, Christina. I’ve changed a lot. You’ll see that in me. I don’t have my own practice anymore. It was too much work to revive it so I chose something a little simpler. I’m a shrink to a bunch of convicts.”
“I could say a thousand things but I’m going to restrain myself,” I laughed.
“Yeah, I get it. So, what about my question?”
“I still love you, Nathan, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Yes, I guess I am. Enough to try again?”
“That depends.”
“On?”
I stood up and took the drink from his hand and set it on the side table, adding my next to it. I picked up my bag and took him by the hand, snagging my coat as I walked out the door with him. “You’re coming with me.”
“Where are we going?”
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“This time you’re going to trust me. Give me your keys, I’ll drive.”
To my surprise, he didn’t argue. He was right, he had changed. He had given up his insane need to control people. He sat in the passenger seat, reclining comfortably and chatting about his travels. I interjected the occasional monosyllable just to let them know I was still listening. Eventually we pulled into my driveway and I shut off the car. “Get out.”
He looked around, confused. “Where are we?”
“Just get out and come with me.”
I took them to the front porch and tapped a couple times before I unlocked the door with my key. I swung the door open and stood back, motioning him inside. He walked into the foyer and stood to one side as I closed the door and slid off my coat, hanging it on the hook of the hall tree. “Stay right here.”
I walked upstairs and found the babysitter sitting in Michael’s room, reading him a story as he was trying to go to sleep. I paid her quickly and asked her to leave. She was a little puzzled I knew, but I’d straighten it out with her later on. She left, passing Nathan on her way out the front door. I didn’t hear him ask her anything.
As soon as Michael had seen me come in, he stood, holding out his arms to be picked up. I grabbed his pacifier and wrapped a blanket around him. It was colder downstairs. The house was a craftsman style with a sturdy staircase between the floors. I took a deep breath. The next five minutes would tell me the outcome for my entire life.
One by one, I took the steps downward, holding carefully on to the railing as I held Michael in my arms. I watch Nathan’s face as I approached. At last I reached the foyer floor and I turned toward him and held Michael out. “Meet your son. His name is Michael.”
Nathan’s face snapped as he stared at me with an open mouth. “What do you mean?”
“I have a confession to make.” I could see his face sag and I knew what he was expecting to hear. “Do you remember that first time we were together?”