by Lisa Daniels
She did see wyrms visit Tarn every now and then. Thankfully, they ignored the humans who lived here and didn’t try anything funny with them, respecting the drakes enough not to encroach on their space.
She suspected things wouldn’t be like that forever. Not when you had someone as cruel and destructive as the wyrms. Those bastards never stayed away for long. They broke people, crushing them so often and so hatefully, that emotions stopped existing. They became something you longed for. Crying and pain was better than the feeling of being dead.
Then there was Kalgrin. Her vague ideas of independence virtually disappeared around him. She liked the idea of striking out on her own, of being here without someone’s foot in her face as she tried to sleep. She also liked the idea of being close to Kalgrin, to the point where she practically stalked the poor guy. She found herself anticipating his visits. Talking to him about anything. What the drakes were doing, how her family was doing, if he’d like to help deliver a letter to them or let her ride him to visit.
She made excuses to go over to his house for his cooking, just so she could see him smile and laugh in her presence, and admire her openly with his deep gray eyes, which brimmed with wisdom. She liked the way his light brown hair tumbled carelessly about his face, like a living mop. She even liked sometimes the awkward pauses between them in conversation as he stared, before trying to fill the empty space with words, to make her at ease, or to ask how her job was going.
It’s going fine. More than fine. It’s going like a dream. And I can’t shake him out of my head.
On one of her days off, Anya visited Seon at the inn, enjoying the friendship they’d developed. Drakes and humans filled up the place. Some of them turned keen eyes upon her.
“You know,” Seon pointed out, as one gray-eyed drake kept glancing over to Anya’s table, nursing his tankard, “you’re really taking your time on your love life.”
Naturally, Anya decided to turn crimson and splutter a bit. “I’m not delaying anything! I’m just happy being by myself. Doing things. By myself.”
“Uh huh. Is that why you specifically chose a house one street away from Kalgrin’s place, despite having better, cheaper offers? You had the pick of the town with your wages, and you choose one of those rundown, thatch-roof buildings that no respectable person would be seen in.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Anya said, the blush now transitioning to her voice. How did a voice even do that? She might as well be wearing her heart like a badge.
“I think you do. And you keep getting excited whenever you end up working directly with him. You keep wearing that stupid lovesick grin on your face. And you make these moony eyes that clearly tell me you’d like him to mean something more to you.”
Drat. Seon didn’t miss a beat, did she? Nosing around in Anya’s feelings like they weren’t hidden at all. Her brain really tried to jump around the subject. She liked him. She even dreamed about him and thought admiring thoughts. She lived near him, and yet, somehow, her brain malfunctioned. It didn’t step any further ahead and link all of the incidences together into one tangible fact.
She wanted him. Not just as a friend, but someone to keep in her life. Someone to share her bed with. She’d never even had sex before, but she knew she wanted it with him.
A drake. Someone she shouldn’t love.
I shouldn’t like him. It’s all wrong, surely? All wrong and twisted.
“You’re right. I do like him.”
“I knew it,” Seon said, thumping her hand on Anya’s shoulder. “It’s one thing to know it, another to hear it… sorry.” The blasted woman grinned like she’d done something clever. “So why not just… say this to him?”
Anya gave a helpless shrug. “I don’t know if he likes me that way.” Even though her mother said Kalgrin did. Even though Kalgrin treated her with reverence. “And if he did, I might have left it too late.”
“Anya. You need to stop making excuses for yourself. Just stop. You know as well as I do that you want him. And you also know that until you ask, you won’t know.”
Yes. And that thought sent a shiver of fear inside Anya. “What if… what if,” she mumbled, “he rejects me? And I look like a fool for thinking… for thinking that I had a chance with him?”
“Then he rejects you and you look like a fool. But you still have a nice job. And you’re not going back to that plantation of yours. You need to take risks, Anya. You won’t get anywhere in life if you don’t take risks.” Seon glanced over to the window, her eyes going distant for a moment.
You won’t get anywhere in life if you don’t take risks. Anya sensed the truth in those words. It applied to her former life only too well. No one took risks. And nothing happened. She took a risk instead. A huge one. And it made something happen. Unfortunately, it would have led to her demise. Until Kalgrin saved her.
If she admitted to Kalgrin she liked him, what principles might she break with herself? The principle of not doing what her mother expected with the drake? The principle of learning to strike out on her own?
A small, manic voice in the back of her mind said excuses, excuses. It’s just like Seon said. You’re making excuses and stalling.
But why? Why did she stall?
“You’re afraid,” Seon said, eyes gentle. “It’s something new to you, isn’t it? Liking someone in this manner. Wanting them, but fearing rejection. Considering going for that half-life instead, where you’ll always harbor those feelings of longing, but you won’t ever admit them because you don’t want to compromise what you have now.”
“I… yes.” No point in lying. Those words seemed to actively wrench the truth out of her. As if naming the emotions made them opaque and possible to touch. It created a wildness in her, a kind of panic that she struggled to contain.
“From my observations, Anya – I think he likes you as well. I think you should go for it.”
Anya took deep breaths, attempting to calm herself.
“Perhaps I will,” she said.
She didn’t, though. Not for another few days. Seon had tried to help in her own way, but she didn’t wield the tempest of emotions Anya felt inside. Plus, Anya knew so little about everything. Of love, of the world, and what made people smile.
Maybe I am just afraid of this. And I should stop. She just… she didn’t want to lose the things she had gained. It terrified her. And that terror led to the instinct of staying put. Not moving. Hoping nothing bad came to pass.
In choosing that, her life never developed into what it might have been.
She did one more mission with Kalgrin. Another pleasant ride through the air. Another successful run at some far-off plantation where the lord had a rather nasty habit of cutting off workers’ fingers if they disobeyed any order.
Most of the women and men and children on that plantation had an average of three fingers missing. Apparently, few people disobeyed for the fourth. Or perhaps they had simply been killed, judged too unruly.
After the run, she made it back home after leaving Kalgrin. For a moment, she’d been tempted to ask to go into his house, but refused at the last moment.
At her place, in her tiny bedroom, she considered her reflection within the little mirror. Her grave face. The fears eating her up.
Her eyes hardened. Rummaging through her drawers, she scooped out a fresh blue top and knee-length blue skirt.
She grabbed the sponge and scrubbed herself thoroughly down until she smelled like strawberry perfume.
I’m going to do it. I’m going to go over to Kalgrin’s house, knock on that door, and just walk in. And stop being such a coward.
Thinking the thoughts bolstered her resolve, and she preened in the mirror, her head held high. Besides, if she didn’t do something about the blasted drake soon, her thoughts might be so saturated with his image that she’d end up mad. Her brown hair was frazzled from the brush, so she spent longer straightening out the frantic strands.
With her comfy black shoes on, with the
ir little brass buckles, she nodded to herself. Resolved. Determined.
Walking to Kalgrin’s house took a minute.
Blasts. What if he slumbered? The moon rose about a quarter way in the sky. Lights were turned on in the houses, though no light shone from Kalgrin’s home. She knocked on the door, her heart palpitating in a mix of fright and anticipation.
Kalgrin opened the door and blinked when he saw Anya standing there with a face like a storm. “Anya? Is something wrong?”
“Iwanttospeaktoyou.” Drat. She’d said that too fast, and enunciated it when Kalgrin frowned in confusion.
“Oh. Right. Sure, you can speak to me, anytime. You know that. Come in.” He wrinkled his nose when Anya passed, taking a deep sniff. “Hmm. You smell nice. And fresh.”
“I try,” Anya replied. No. Don’t get distracted. Her emotions were all over the place. Her pulse lurched in her throat, making it hard to focus, to get what she intended. Curses, she didn’t want to be a blathering fool in front of him. “It’s something that’s been on my mind for a while. And I feel like I need to get it off my chest before I explode.”
Kalgrin’s nose twitched as he scented her perfume, and observed her elaborately brushed hair and popping breasts under her shirt. Yes. Perhaps she had been a little overkill with the attire. She might as well have turned up at his door naked. How to begin? Her heart turned craven. “It was just a question I’ve been thinking of, since, you know. We have so many humans suffering over the world. Are there many places where humans actually live good lives? Or just a few?”
Kalgrin shook his head, though his eyes observed her in faint hunger. Sometimes they dipped in the gap between her breasts. He didn’t look half bad, either, opting for a ruffled blouse, a black waistcoat, and pinstriped pants. He chose to walk around in black socks, though, preferring to leave his shoes at the door. Anya did the same, though she wore no socks under her shoes.
“I’m afraid it’s not common. We send the humans to the north, or to towns run by drakes, but there are more… unsafe places than there are safe. Wyrms are the ruling factions in most countries. And there is a reason for it. A reason I’ve not fully explained to you. Just hinted at.”
A reason for the wyrms being in power? What more reason than the fact that they were stronger than humans? “Okay.” She waited for his explanation.
He did seem a little puzzled, though. Suspecting she intended to say something else, before she diverted her thoughts. “There was a war. A long time ago, between humans and dragons. Humans used to be the dominant population.”
What?
“They used to live in big cities, practise magic, fight with each other and live off the cream of the land. Hard to imagine something like that, right?”
Impossible to imagine. Anya tried picturing it and failed. Kalgrin spoke about magic. Anya had seen no magic, and Kalgrin simply implied it had fallen into disuse, somehow. Like people had forgotten. “But how could we rule against dragons? They’re so… strong.”
“Humans were stronger, with their magic.” Kalgrin automatically reached out a hand to steady Anya as she stumbled upon his carpet, not paying attention to her walk. The shiver of contact made her blink stupidly for a moment as he gripped her. Her mind started going ahead to certain scenarios. Maybe it struggled to imagine humans being leaders, but it certainly had no issues going through the fantasy of taking off Kalgrin’s clothes, leading him to bed, and having her wicked way with him. Her face flushed, even as Kalgrin continued explaining, apparently unaware of her sudden arousal. “Humans used to have powerful magic. It doesn’t matter if your opponent is a big lizard if you can blast them out of the sky with a rain of diamonds, or with thunderstorms and balls of fire. Humans used to enslave dragons.”
A quiet gasp slipped out of Anya’s lips at this thought. No. She didn’t believe it. “What? Really? How do you know?”
“History books. We keep information,” he answered. “See, this is why I think you should learn to read. There’s so much knowledge written down!”
“Why should I learn to read when you can just tell me everything?”
“I…” he paused. “I guess that’s a good point.” His frown made her laugh.
“Sorry, Kal. You were saying?”
“Well, I was saying – you guys used to have magic. But something happened to your magic a while back. A sickness. Magic users caught some kind of disease; no one knew where it started. But it targeted magic, and your magic died. And, without magic… you became easy prey to the wyrms and the drakes. And ever since then, the roles have been reversed.” He gave a shrug. “But I suppose just as it suddenly vanished, it can find a way to come back. What if I told you that I know humans who wield magic and who are alive today?”
Anya shook her head. “I need to see it to believe it.”
Kalgrin smiled. “There’s a school in the mountains. They take magic users if they find them, and train them. I haven’t found a user myself yet. I don’t have the ability to seek them. For all I know, half the humans in Tarn have magic, but because I’ve never seen it directly, they’re just uncut gems, walking around. For all I know, you have magic. It’s a strange thing.”
No. No one had magic. Except, he appeared adamant that the possibility was there. That he’d seen them.
She forced herself to accept his words for now. She’d still want to see one for herself… but he had no reason to lie to her. However, something bothered her.
In his story about humans once enslaving dragons, which she had issues processing as it was – then why did drakes bother helping humans at all? If humans had done this thing, then in a way, the dragons were justified in doing what they did. It sickened her to consider.
How could you justify anything like this?
“Why do drakes help us, then? It doesn’t sound like you have reason to.”
“Don’t we?” Kalgrin smiled. Affable. Maybe a little weary, too. Perhaps he’d experienced this type of discussion with others. “Times change. There are no excuses for suffering. Not when you’re punishing people a thousand years later, who have no memory of before. It makes us no better. And maybe one day, we’ll find the tables turned again. And it’ll just keep going on in some big, bloody cycle.” He licked his lips, his eyes distant. Seeing something Anya didn’t understand. “We don’t have excuses anymore, little human. But we like to keep making them all the same.”
There was some truth in that. Anya thought the same thing about her people. How could they excuse such treatment? How did they keep allowing it year after year? Surely there reached a point where the excuses stopped?
Surely there came a time when people faced reality, and realized it’d never get better, not unless they did something about it? Surely… they could find a way to stop being the kind of broken that never picked itself up again.
Anya reflected on Kalgrin’s words for a little while. She’d done this to distract herself, really, but the information was valuable all the same. Something she needed to know.
But now, she needed to face that tempest inside herself. The one that wondered if things might be more. If she could reach out to Kalgrin and touch him upon his face, and kiss those lips.
Anya sure made a lot of excuses for not confronting Kalgrin. Excuses like she wanted to be independent, she didn’t want to be beholden to a dragon, she didn’t feel ready…
Why bother distracting herself any further? She was here. Dressed up for the war to figure out Kalgrin’s heart, and discover her own. She hovered at the edge of that emotional cliff, terrified to jump down. But she needed to.
Time to stop with those excuses, then.
“Kalgrin. You know I came over, wearing these nice clothes, and putting on this nice perfume?”
“I had noticed that,” he said, with a rather amused expression. “Why?”
“Well… it might be related to the fact that I have a house near you. And I enjoy excuses to go with you to those places. And I enjoy… talking to you. And… I don’t want t
o leave you.”
Yes, she was babbling. Extending it. Her heart wanted to leap out of her mouth. Just get to the point! Kalgrin seemed frozen, like a statue.
“Okay. Kalgrin. I like you. And I want you. In every sense of the word.”
“Oh.” His eyes blackened. His nostrils flared, and his body trembled in pleasant shock. “Is that so?”
“Yes. Though I’m not sure what it might feel like. You know. Having a person you can wake up next to and smile at. My mom never had that. So many people I’ve known don’t get that happy ending. But I think with you… I’d like to try and taste it for myself.”
His smile softened. “It’s the least you deserve. To have some measure of happiness. You should never have been denied the chance in the first place.” A flicker of worry then consumed his face. “But, are you sure? I mean, I’m a dragon. I recall that you might have some issues with that fact.” His tone sounded like he was preparing for something. For her to retract her statement, or confirm it?
“That doesn’t matter to me anymore.” The truth.
Those words cleared the doubt in his eyes and settled the fluttering nervousness in her stomach. She didn’t know what she was saying, if she’d said it right, but she seemed to be hitting the right notes so far. It flowed naturally from her, when she let go of the excuses and let the truth trickle out.
I should have admitted this as soon as I began to feel it. Not entirely fair. She didn’t understand it. And the fear… it ate at her. Insidiously, without her usually being aware it did so.
This, though. This was perfect.
He folded his arms neatly over his lap, and leaned forward, feet pointing to her. Those eyes of his seemed to twinkle now. They shared smiles, the kind that threatened to burst out of their bodies. “May I kiss you?” He waited, earnest, not making a move without her say-so.
How polite. She took a deep, glorious breath, which flooded her body with light and life. Maybe also a hint of excitement. “You may,” she said, pasting on a mock formal expression. It made her giggle, before her heart lurched further, since Kalgrin had stood up, his face hard with intent.