ALSO BY ERIC JEROME DICKEY
Finding Gideon (Gideon Series)
The Blackbirds
Naughtier Than Nice
One Night
A Wanted Woman
Decadence
An Accidental Affair
Tempted by Trouble
Resurrecting Midnight (Gideon Series)
Dying for Revenge (Gideon Series)
Pleasure
Waking with Enemies (Gideon Series)
Sleeping with Strangers (Gideon Series)
Chasing Destiny
Genevieve
Drive Me Crazy
Naughty or Nice
The Other Woman
Thieves’ Paradise
Between Lovers
Liar’s Game
Cheaters
Milk in My Coffee
Friends and Lovers
Sister, Sister
ANTHOLOGIES
Voices from the Other Side: Dark Dreams II
Gumbo: A Celebration of African American Writing
Mothers & Sons
Got to Be Real
River Crossings: Voices of the Diaspora
Griots Beneath the Baobab: Tales from Los Angeles
Black Silk: A Collection of African American Erotica
MOVIE—ORIGINAL STORY
Cappuccino
GRAPHIC NOVELS
Storm (six-issue miniseries, Marvel Entertainment)
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Copyright © 2018 by Eric Jerome Dickey
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ISBN 9781524742195 (hardcover)
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CONTENTS
Also by Eric Jerome Dickey
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Epigraph
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Acknowledgments
About the Author
For Carolyn. For Virginia. For Lila. For Vardaman.
I believe that there’s another man inside every man.
1922
Color is not a human or a personal reality; it is a political reality.
James Baldwin
CHAPTER 1
MARGAUX HAD CHANGED races.
When I rushed into TGI Fridays and left the summer’s oppressive triple-digit heat at my back, I searched for a twenty-something woman with melanin-filled skin, was hunting from booth to booth, when someone eased up behind me, touched my shoulder. When I turned around I saw a pale woman covered in tats and body piercings, a shapely number as Goth as Melrose Boulevard.
“Ken Swift?”
“Yeah? Do I know you?”
“It’s me.”
“Me who?”
“Margaux.”
Last time I saw her she was a beautiful shade of brown and had dark, wavy hair. But she’d scrubbed away her melanin, her skin now that of an untanned white woman.
Broke my fuckin’ heart and left me speechless at the same time.
Nervous, she said, “You got here just in time. I think our table is ready.”
Her cell phone rang as soon as she said that. She looked at the number, frowned, didn’t answer. I imagined my ex-wife had done that a million times to my calls after she left me.
TGI Fridays Ladera was crowded like microwaved chicken wings were the best meal ever created. I had asked Margaux if she wanted to meet me in Inglewood at Zula Ethiopian and Eritrean Restaurant in Hyde Park Plaza, a place I’d eaten at least once a month since they opened, but she had turned down that offer. Now I understood why. This shouldn’t have surprised me. But it did.
After we were seated, awkwardness and silence covered us. Other Afrocentric sisters in the room gave me the side-eye, looked at me like I was a traitor, a sellout. Black men grinned, checked out Margaux. She had the skin of a white woman, but her shape remained African.
Margaux sucked the metal in her tongue, then asked, “You okay?”
“I’m fine. You okay?”
“The way you keep looking at me. I don’t like people staring at me like that.”
I relaxed my gaze. Regrouped. “How much money did you say you needed from me?”
“I think you heard me loud and clear when I said I wanted fifty thousand.”
“That’s a lot of money.”
“How soon can you get it?”
I rat-a-tat-tatted my fingers on the table, exhaled. “Let’s break bread and talk about it.”
Her knuckles were still dark. I’d bet her elbows and knees and the tops of her toes were still of the Negro hue too. Those areas couldn’t be bleached and she’d never be as white as the photos Rachel Dolezal’s parents probably keep on a dresser. I felt their pain in my bone marrow.
We read the menus, gave our orders, then were stuck facing each other.
Margaux wore gloomy makeup, dusky lipstick, and many tattoos.
She took in my trendy wardrobe, shook her head like she didn’t approve of my wearing straight-leg jeans and a gray suit coat over a T-shirt with Muhammad Ali on the front.
I asked, “How many body piercings do you have?”
“Why, Ken Swift?”
“I see four in each ear. Your lip. One in your nostrils.”
“I have one in my clit and one in each nipple. Is that what you w
ant to know?”
“Was just asking.”
“Should I tell you what the one in my tongue is all about?”
“Maybe we should talk about the weather.”
“No, we can continue chatting about the things you see wrong with me.”
“I never said anything was wrong with you.”
“The one in my tongue, do you want to know why I have this one?”
“No need to take the talk any further.”
After the waiter brought our meals and left, I picked up my spoon and took a mouthful of clam chowder. My taste buds were too refined for fast food. I was particular about what I ate away from home. Very biased. Margaux cleared her throat and I raised my eyes, looked at her. Palms down on the table, she shook her head and stared at me like I was a sacrilegious heathen.
Margaux said, “Did you lose your religion too?”
“I read the Bible. I grew up being forced to read the Bible. I was an usher before anybody knew Usher was Usher. Was in church every Sunday. I know all about the Good Book.”
“Really? So what’s your favorite part?”
“When Jesus is alone talking to God by himself, and someone who wasn’t there is writing about it firsthand. That always amazed me. In court, they’d call that hearsay and throw it out.”
She tsked, ran her hand over her blond-and-red Mohawk, bowed her head.
“In the name of Allah, the beneficent, the merciful—”
I said, “You’re Muslim now?”
Her hands became fists. “Would that offend you?”
“Not at all. I mean, I know most of your relatives are Christians, and I heard that some of your relatives are—”
“Let me give thanks to our creator for the food so we can get down to business.”
“What’s your favorite ayah or surah in the Quran?”
“It depends on my mood. Many ayahs send trembles down my spine contingent on the message they convey.” She gave her serious answer, held eye contact. “Yours?”
“My favorite is Maryam 19:41–57.”
“You know the Quran?”
“I read. Bible. Quran. I read Final Call, Watchtower, and Jewish newspapers. I read what everyone offers. I dated an Afro-Mexican when I was in high school and learned her Spanish, and when I was twenty-one I married an Ethiopian who spoke Amharic and learned her language.”
“May I pray now?”
I nodded. “Pray.”
When Margaux was done blessing the food, she crossed her arms.
She said, “I’m expecting.”
I paused. “You’re pregnant?”
“Two months.”
“You’re not showing.”
“I’m pregnant.”
Without transition, I blurted out, “Why the bleaching?”
“Only took you five minutes to ask.”
“Why are you doing this to yourself?”
“I want to be beautiful.”
“Black is beautiful. White is a’ight. You’re downgrading.”
“Everything is a joke to you.”
“Not everything. Definitely not this. Explain this to me.”
“Light-skinned girls get picked more on all the dating sites. Look around the room. See how black men respond to light-skinned women. You don’t even have to be pretty and light-skinned, just light-skinned, and men think you’re gorgeous. But if you’re light-skinned and built like Beyoncé, you’re treated like you’re a goddess. They let you across the velvet rope. Light-skinned girls get proposed to quicker and more often. Light-skinned girls get to be wives and dark-skinned girls get to be baby mommas. Colorism is real. Drop beautiful into Google. See who shows up.”
“In the movies. That’s the only place dark-skinned women don’t win.”
“Are you blind? All men, regardless of race, prefer exotic women over black women.”
“Black women are exotic.”
“Well, the rest of the world didn’t get the memo. And don’t be overweight and dark.”
I nodded. “Is bleaching skin haram in Islam?”
“I guess you haven’t heard of the Indian skin-lightening cream’s billion-dollar industry. The Asians are obsessed with fair skin. Asian husbands want their wives to be more beautiful. They make their wives bleach their skin. And being light-skinned, it’s safer. Much safer.”
“Black models are sitting in tanning booths darkening their skin to get more work.”
“And those same models would be cast as hood rats in a trap video.”
I took a breath, nodded. “When did this . . . this new you . . . when did this start?”
“I wanted to when I was a tween. I had to wait until I was an adult.”
“How long has this been going on?”
“A year.” She tapped her nails as her leg bounced; she was upset. “Maybe two at this point.”
“What did your mother say?”
“We don’t talk that much.”
“But she knows.”
“She knows.”
I had no words, but spoke what was on my mind. “This is about self-esteem.”
“Why not change what we can change?”
“‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ Some people say that Eleanor Roosevelt said that.”
“A rich and influential white woman, right? If she did say that, then that FLOTUS was telling other white women how to feel, white Christian women, not black women. And definitely not Muslim women.”
I let that go. My eyes went to the basketball game on the big screen. So did hers. Until her cell phone rang again. Again she looked at the number and didn’t answer.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”
Margaux frowned at the television. “The team I need to win isn’t winning.”
“I meant the phone.”
“It’s an ex.”
“He keeps calling like a bill collector on payday.”
She turned her phone off.
I said, “Didn’t know you were a sports fan.”
“I hate USC. I need them to lose this game.”
“They’re killing it this season. USC doesn’t lose at home.”
“I don’t really give a shit about them.”
“If you don’t give a shit, why do you care if they win or lose?”
“None of your business.”
There was a man sitting at the bar, mixed in the thick of the crowd. He was my age, five foot eleven, the build of middleweight. Jake Ellis. He held a Corona in his hand as he eye-fucked every woman he rated as being a ten.
My attention went back to the woman seated in front of me. A whiter shade of pale, tall, all curves, the body and shape of her mother, and her mother’s mother. She wore black jeans and a black blouse that showed a little too much cleavage. The other men in the room noticed her blessings. A lot of the men were attracted to her Goth style.
I knew men. I was one. Women who looked like her made men think anything goes.
I said, “Your baby daddy—”
“The father of my child. Don’t insult me and don’t you dare denigrate him.”
“As you denigrate me.”
“Deservedly so.”
I rat-a-tat-tatted the table. She clicked her tongue ring against her teeth.
I asked, “Still with him?”
“Yes. We’re engaged. He would be here now, but he had a meeting.”
“What does the father of your child do?”
“He’s a writer. He’s working on this sci-fi horror thing, like the movie Get Out.”
“Every third person in Los Angeles has a script. Has he sold anything?”
“Not in a while. Pitched a few ideas. Had an option. Got ripped off on a different deal.”
“Hollywood is Hollywood.”
“Some people owe him some money, but he’s going to have to sue to get his money, and he doesn’t have the money to get an attorney so he can sue, so he’s getting fucked over.”
I echoed, “Fucked over.”
She looked at me like she didn’t care if cursing like that offended me.
“You live with him?”
She nodded. “In Hollywood. We rent a three-bedroom house.”
“How much that set you back a month?”
She hesitated. “Six thousand.”
“Damn. That’s . . . seventy grand plus two thousand for every trip around the sun.”
“It’s a nice house. Very progressive area. Hollywood people. He can network.”
“But it’s not your house. You’re keeping your landlord rich while you network.”
“I pay a third of that.”
“Two grand.”
“My fiancé pays a third.”
“Twenty-four thousand a year.”
“Then there is another roommate.”
“Man or woman?”
“Depends on the day of the week. One day in Tims, the next in a pink skirt.”
“Your man should be taking care of two-thirds of the rent.”
“Based on?”
“The baby in your belly and the fact that you’re about to get married.”
“He’s not balling like that.”
I sat back, smiled, nodded. “Young lady, what you’re telling me doesn’t jibe.”
“What doesn’t jibe?”
I laughed a little. “Your momma was a good liar, and I think you picked up her habits.”
She knocked that tongue ring against her teeth, unamused. “I have no reason to lie to you, and don’t disrespect my mother.”
“You said it’s a three-bedroom house. You and your man are in one bedroom, already living like man and wife, and someone else is in the second bedroom. Who is in the third bedroom? You and your man should be paying one-third of the rent at most, not two-thirds.”
“We met as roommates. He was there first; then I moved in.”
“I know how it goes. Few drinks. Few laughs. Space and opportunity.”
“We all paid a third in the beginning. One thing led to another.”
“Who makes more money?”
“Why?”
“Just asking. You’re out of college now.”
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