by E. A. Copen
Guy took a step forward. “I arrived in New Orleans too late to be a part of your fight against Mask there, but I saw the aftermath and spent a few days collecting stories about what happened from the people around you. Once, I even went to visit you in the hospital, but you hadn’t come back yet. I knew there were still remnants of Mask around, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on where they were. Not until recently.”
“How recently?” I asked.
He shrugged. “I figured you were at the center of the mess, so I was tailing you when the Krampus attacked. I saw you eating raw meat before that, though, and feared the worst. I had a hunch it was you, but couldn’t prove it. Not until we found the book at your house.”
“Finn confirmed it.” I sank into an empty rocking chair. “He tried to remove it too, but my heart stopped.”
“Jesus,” Emma muttered. “You almost died, and no one told me? I’m going to kick Nate’s ass once I get back.”
“Don’t be too hard on him. I told him not to bother you with it.”
“Then I should kick your ass.” She folded her arms. “What were you thinking?”
I shrugged. “I was thinking you were stressed out enough over seating charts and caterers. I didn’t want to add the supernatural to your list of problems.”
Klaus cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow.
Emma wagged a finger at me. “Don’t think this is over. You and I are going to have a chat about this later. For now, I think we should focus on what we can do to fix this.”
I cringed. “You’re not going to like my plan, Emma.”
She sighed. “Since when have I ever?”
In a last-ditch effort to keep the peace, I gave Eddie a pleading glance. She smiled her sweet smile, folded her hands, and said, “I’ll get cookies and cocoa for everyone.”
Chapter Nine
Eddie brought a whole array of cookies this time, and three different types of hot chocolate. All of us gathered around the living room, sipping from our steaming cups and munching quietly on cookies. Despite my situation, it was impossible not to be in a good mood with that much sugar in me. The crash later was going to be brutal, though.
No one else seemed to be as happy as I was, especially after I outlined the plan for them. Emma’s face was locked in a worried expression, but she didn’t bother to protest, which meant my plan made sense, at least.
Jack, however, was different. “How do we know you won’t be doing exactly what he wants you to do? Going to the Nightlands sounds like something Mask would want.”
“Trust me when I say it isn’t,” Guy chimed in. “He might be from the Nightlands originally, but the other folks there are none too happy with him right now. He betrayed his masters. They sent him here to open a portal for them to come through and conquer Earth.”
“Isn’t that what’s happening now?” Jack gestured to the ceiling, indicating the hole in the sky Klaus had been talking about earlier.
Guy shook his head. “No. Mask has his own servants. The creatures falling from the sky are the last remnants of his army.”
“We defeated them twice already,” Remy said. “We can easily hold them here.”
“Now that your army is here to reinforce us, yes.” Klaus nodded. “But will your men shed blood for Earth? They’re fae. This isn’t their fight.”
Remy made a fist on her knee. “Mask infiltrated Faerie. Destroyed their homes. Hurt or killed their families and altered the very makeup of our land. His short reign of terror there nearly led us to the brink of annihilation. My soldiers are itching to fight anything that so much as looks like Mask. It doesn’t matter that it’s on Earth. They’ll fight and die here if I order them to do so.”
“What about you?” Klaus nodded at me.
“I’m a necromancer and the Pale Horseman,” I said with a shrug. “Death and dying are pretty much all I do. I will need help from my friend, Nathan Frieder. He can keep my body alive and monitor it while I’m gone, bring me back if things get too hairy.”
Emma set her untouched mug of hot chocolate on the table between us. “I don’t like this. I’ve only just gotten you back. We were almost happy. Now you want to die so you can run through the underworld one more time?”
“The last time,” I corrected. “And I’m coming back.”
“But what if you don’t?” She didn’t look it, but her voice betrayed that she was near tears.
I reached across the table to put my hand over hers. “I’m coming back. When I do, this will all be over. For good.”
Emma withdrew her hand. “This isn’t the first time you’ve promised me that.”
Guy cleared his throat. “He kinda doesn’t have a choice, doll. If he stays, there’ll be no stopping another Krampus or Yule cat from showing up to hunt him down, and that’s the best possible outcome. Even worse would be if he manages to fight those things off long enough for Mask to finally override his willpower. You’d be married to a monster. I don’t know you well, but you don’t seem like the sort of dame that’d be okay with that.”
“I’m not. It’s just…” She curled her fingers into fists and met my eyes. “I need you to come back.”
“I will,” I promised. “I swear to you.”
“Then it’s settled.” Guy struck the tabletop with his palm. “The Queen and her people make camp and guard the North Pole. We send a small party to fetch Lazarus’ pal, and then we go for a stroll into the Nightlands.”
Jack crossed his arms. “I still don’t see why you’re going, Guy. You were only hired to investigate the cause. We know the cause now. Your job is done.”
“I’m going because this idiot has no idea what he’s walking into when he gets to the Nightlands.” Guy gestured to me.
“Excuse me,” I said defensively. “I’ve been there before.”
Guy stared at me. “You’ve been to one section of the Nightlands one time. The place changes, shifting around, and it’s an endless expanse of creatures that’ll break your fragile human psyche if you focus on them too long. Plus, you don’t speak their language.”
That was true. The last time I’d been there, Mask had to act as a translator between me and…whatever that giant flesh wall was. That was how I’d met Mask in the first place. How this all got started. I didn’t have a choice but to bring Guy with me if I wanted to talk to any of the creatures of the Nightlands.
Klaus placed his empty cup on the end table next to him. “Very well, then. We have a plan. Now, all we have to do is get your doctor friend.”
A familiar, shrill horn cut through the quiet. I glanced at the darkened window, fat snowflakes spinning by. “You weren’t expecting anyone else, were you, Remy?”
She shook her head.
“Ready your troops,” Klaus boomed, rising. “The enemies are at our gates.”
He and Jack went to the wall, pulling down weapons and passing them out to anyone who didn’t have one.
When one of the elves held a gun out to me, I shook my head. “I wouldn’t know what to do with that even if I took it. I’ll be more useful if I have a staff or a big stick.”
Jack snapped his fingers. “I have just the thing. Pardon me. I’ll return presently.” He slid around the coffee table and ran out of the room.
Eddie took two machine guns and passed one to Emma.
“No thanks,” said Emma, drawing her trusty handgun. “I brought my own.”
“The more, the merrier,” said Eddie and went to grab a couple of boxes of ammo.
Emma moved to follow her, but I stopped her by lightly putting a hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. We’ve both just been so busy, and it didn’t seem like the sort of thing I should say over the phone. I thought it could wait until I could tell you in person.”
“I’m not mad, Lazarus. I’m just tired. I’m ready to put Mask in his place and get back to my life.”
“Me too,” I agreed with a nod.
“So let’s not just stand here,” Klaus said and barged betwee
n us. He stopped in the doorway, the barrel of his gun pointed at the ceiling. “You two, bundle up.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because the three of us are headed for the runway. The sooner we can get Nate Frieder here, the better.”
Eddie appeared with two parkas draped over her arm and a gift box. She handed the box to me and said, “You’re never too old to believe in the magic of Christmas.”
I took one of the parkas and handed it off to Emma before kneeling to open the box. The wrapping paper had ice-skating penguins on it. They were cute, but I didn’t see what penguins had to do with Christmas. They lived at the South Pole, didn’t they? I carefully peeled back the wrapping paper and lifted the lid. Inside were some fur-lined hats, gloves, and knitted scarves, along with several of those chemical hand warmers. I’d never appreciated winter gear more.
Jack returned just then, a long, polished length of wood in his hands. “Hand-carved Ponderosa pine,” he boasted, holding it out to me. “Any creature not in service to the Kringles will be repulsed by the touch of the wood thanks to the sigils carved in it, but take care not to strike too hard. It’s more delicate than usual.”
“Thanks,” I said and took the staff. “And thanks for not cutting out my heart, even though I know you really wanted to. I’m sure Emma appreciates that too, don’t you, dear?”
She pulled the slide back on her gun and narrowed her eyes at Jack.
He swallowed, bowed, and took a step back. “Sorry about that.”
We left the room to find where Klaus had gone. The back door stood open with fresh tracks in the snow, so I assumed he went that way. As soon as I pushed through the screen door, however, I paused. Guy leaned against the rear of the house, smoking a cigarette.
“Smoking at a time like this?” I shook my head. “Aren’t you going to fight?”
“Would if I could,” he said. “But these things, they aren’t part of my contract, and if I go killing creatures from the Nightlands willy-nilly, I lose my credibility. I’ll break my oath of neutrality, and that’d put me out of business, see?”
Emma scowled. “So you won’t help because it’ll hurt your bottom line in the long run?”
Guy snapped his fingers. “Bingo.”
Just when I thought I had him figured for one of the good guys, Guy had more in common with assholes like Josiah. If it didn’t affect him directly, he wasn’t interested in getting involved. I hope Josiah is okay, I thought, and left Guy standing alone in the snow.
Just a few steps away from the house, I paused again when green flashed in the sky above us. A line of electric emerald pierced the snowy black sky. The cut slowly grew into a hole, beyond which there was nothing but blackness. Claws gripped the hole and tore it wider before a giant boot stuck through it, followed by another. A Krampus dropped from the hole in the sky, landing twenty feet in front of us. It rose, coal-black eyes focused on me.
Emma’s gun barked, but the bullets bounced off. I grabbed her and pulled her back, slamming the butt of my staff to the ground. Snow rumbled, and ice cracked. White earth opened beneath the Krampus. He barely managed to hop out of the way in time.
Krampus stomped one huge foot and sent a tidal wave of snow careening toward us taller than him. Enough snow that it might crush us. I grabbed Emma and pulled her close, putting my back to the snow, but it never hit. After a few moments, I cracked open an eye and twisted. Guy stood between Krampus and us. A new set of black tentacles had erupted from his back, and they were busy holding back the snow.
“I thought you said you couldn’t get involved?” I shouted.
As soon as I spoke, something black and squishy plopped to the ground and stayed there in a puddle. Then, slowly, the puddle of black goo rose, forming a squid-like creature. A mouth opened in the center, revealing spinning rows of sharpened teeth. I yelped and smacked the thing with my staff with all the finesse I’d use to swat a fly. It exploded into thousands of other, smaller puddles, each one reforming into another creature.
“No,” said Guy. “I said I can’t get involved with those things. Krampuses I can fight all day.”
Emma pointed her gun at one of the puddle creatures and fired. The bullet hit the monster’s jelly middle and it caught on fire, disintegrating to dust. She shifted her gun an inch to the right and fired again. Move and fire. Rinse and repeat. Meanwhile, I busied myself squishing what I could with the staff and stomping on others.
Guy pushed the Krampus back a step with a grunt and sent his extra shadowy tentacle arms streaming at him. They pierced the Krampus like knives, punching through his body. The Krampus barely seemed to notice. He grabbed at Guy’s tentacles, but his fingers slipped right through.
Like Finn’s magic, I realized, but I didn’t have time to appreciate it. More of those gelatinous monsters were dropping from the sky every minute, and I had yet to find a way to kill them that didn’t cause them to multiply first. I smashed them two at a time, struck the ground with my staff, opening and closing fissures everywhere, and still didn’t seem to make a dent in their numbers.
On the other side of the house, the sounds of a battle raged as Remy’s forces took on more of those things. There were seven holes in the sky, and the creatures were falling like raindrops from each one of them.
I punted one away, and it splatted against the side of the house. “What the hell are these things?”
“I don’t know if you have a word for it in your language,” Guy shouted, dodging the Krampus’ claws. “But in mine, it’s…” He made a screeching, squelching noise that couldn’t possibly have been part of any language.
I covered my ears and stomped on another one. It squished into a gelatinous black puddle. “Bless you!”
Emma finished reloading and fired three rounds in quick succession, the sound a staccato bang-bang-bang. “Maws!” she shouted
An elf screamed as several of the creatures overtook him. He disappeared, flailing, inside their gaping mouths.
I turned away. “What?”
“Maws,” Emma said and fired again. “That’s what we’re calling them.”
I didn’t have time to argue, and the name fit. It was better than gooey-tentacle beast, which was all I could come up with.
While Emma and I dealt with the Maws, the Krampus gained the upper hand on Guy. He slashed at Guy’s legs, missing but tearing through the cloth of his pants. Guy fell backward with a grunt. The Krampus grinned and closed, claws gleaming in the moonlight.
Out of nowhere, bells jingled. The Krampus halted his advance and turned just in time to see nine little reindeer charging toward him, their heads down and antlers out front. Krampus tried to get out of the way, but he couldn’t move fast enough thanks to his hulking size. The reindeer—and the attached sleigh—rammed into him, easily moving at forty plus miles an hour.
Antlers ripped at the Krampus, and several of the reindeer pushed him aside, trampling him with their hooves. The Krampus fell screaming into the snow, and when the sleigh was clear, the white ground around him was red and melting. Krampus lay still, the side of his head caved in by reindeer hooves.
Klaus pulled on the reins and forced his sleigh to a halt in front of us, but not before running over several of the Maws. “Get in!”
Emma got off another two shots before her gun clicked. “But the battle!”
“It won’t make a difference if we win the battle, only to lose the war.” He offered a red mittened hand to help her up.
Emma took it and climbed into the back seat of the sleigh. I smashed one more Maw before hopping in next to her. Guy managed to hop in next to Klaus, grabbing his hat to keep it from flying off.
Klaus whipped the reins, gave a loud cry, and the nine little reindeer took off, pulling the sled through the snow at breakneck speed. The sudden acceleration pushed my back against the seat and the skin away from my face. Ahead, the barbed wire-topped fence loomed, drawing closer and closer.
“Pull up! We need to clear the fence!” I yelled over the b
iting wind.
Klaus remained immovable, his gaze fixed forward. The reindeer thundered forward without rising from the ground.
I squeezed my eyes shut. Who would’ve thought I’d go out in the back of Santa’s sled, running from a bunch of tentacle monsters?
The sled suddenly lurched and tilted, shuddering as it left the ground at a forty-five-degree angle. I cracked open one eye and peered over the edge of the sleigh to find we’d barely cleared the fence in time.
Klaus let out a deep, booming laugh.
And that was when I realized Weird Al was right. Santa was definitely crazy.
Chapter Ten
It was still night in New Orleans when we arrived. The sleigh landed on Nate’s roof with a gentle thud that rustled the gutters. His neighborhood was alive with blinking colored lights and inflatable caricatures of Frosty and Santa. His house wasn’t the only one that didn’t have lights out front, but it was one of the few.
I grimaced as Klaus climbed out. “Please tell me we don’t have to squeeze down a chimney.”
Emma grasped the back of the front seat and slid over to swing open the side door. “I don’t even see a chimney.”
“Chimneys fell out of fashion a long time ago.” Guy hopped down from the sleigh and dusted some debris from his pants.
Klaus kicked down a heavy stand on either side that dug into the roof tiles. “If I had to rely exclusively on chimneys for access, there would be a lot of very disappointed boys and girls in the world. No, we go in through the front door.”
“Front door, eh?” I slid out of the back of the sleigh after Emma. “How do you manage that? And while we’re at it, how do you visit every single house in one night?”
Klaus chuckled and adjusted his belt. “I don’t. Why, I count myself lucky if I get out of the workshop on Christmas Eve at all. I spend the holiday coordinating the flight paths of a hundred Kringles. While you believe Santa Claus to be a single man, we’re actually a whole race of creatures, each with a singular, sacred duty.”