Our Lady of 121st Street

by Stephen Adly Guirgis

  MARCIA: I’m sorry.

  EDWIN: Are you … are you crying?

  MARCIA: I just … anytime I see someone like that, you know, it just makes me very sad, like I should be nicer to people … or devote more time to charities. Something … something. You know?

  EDWIN: So why don’t you just do that then?

  MARCIA: What?

  EDWIN: I said, do it then. Help out more.

  MARCIA: Look, I help out plenty already.

  EDWIN: But maybe you could do more—

  MARCIA: Okay, like, back off?

  EDWIN: Back off?

  MARCIA: You know nothing about me, or what I do or don’t do! When’s the last time you wrote a check or helped an old lady cross the street?

  EDWIN: Um … I’m not sure.

  MARCIA: Right. So … “People in glass houses,” okay, mister?!

  EDWIN: People in glass houses what?

  MARCIA: You know!

  EDWIN: I know what?

  MARCIA: You’ve never heard that before?

  EDWIN: Why would anyone wanna live in a glass house? It could break, or people could peep at you—

  MARCIA: You know what? I’ve gotta find my friend Sonia.

  EDWIN: Did I say something wrong?

  MARCIA: Look, goodbye, thanks for saving me.

  EDWIN: Why donchu hang out, have a Yodel?

  MARCIA: I’m allergic to chocolate.

  EDWIN: Have a soda then.

  MARCIA: Caffeine?

  EDWIN: How ’bout a slice of pizza?

  MARCIA: Pizza! Hello? Cheese?! God, did someone throw a brick on your head too??!!

  (MARCIA exits.)

  Scene 6: Inez and Norca, Bar and Grill

  INEZ: So I toal that nigga, “If the shit can’t stay up, then put the damn thing away,” okay?

  NORCA: You said that shit?!

  INEZ: Sister, please. Then he say, “Maybe if you” … and he start makin’ this gesture, like he afraid ta say, “Put yo mouth on me,” so instead he juss tries ta mime it, like—

  NORCA: No he didn’t!

  INEZ: Oh, yes he did!

  NORCA: No-class fool—

  INEZ: So I toal the driver ta pull over, and I kicked his ass out the damn cab.

  NORCA: Cab?!

  INEZ: Ended up I fucked the cabby.

  NORCA: You was in a cab??!!

  INEZ: Shit, I was fifteen, girl, know what I’m sayin’?

  NORCA: You nevah fucked no nigga in a cab!

  INEZ: Yes I did! Fine Haitian man—he was sending money home to his mom to buy, like, a new hut or something.

  NORCA: “A hut”?

  INEZ: Sumpthin’ like that—house, hut—you know them Haitians back then—

  NORCA: Girl, you crazy.

  INEZ: Anyway, you wasn’t around. You was—I think you was wit’ that Eustace Mejias at the time.

  NORCA: Oh, ma Gawd! Little Eustace.

  INEZ: That ain’t what I heard.

  NORCA: Heard?! Girl, stop lyin’.

  INEZ: Awright, I had me some Eustace, but that was long after you were finished wit’ him.

  NORCA: Yeah, well … you know …

  INEZ: I think you was datin’ that bank robber by then.

  NORCA: He wasn’t no robber. He was a suspect!

  INEZ: Well, I never met the suspect.

  NORCA: Dag, Inez, you funny

  INEZ: How you mean?

  NORCA: I mean, “you funny”—like how you make your face look when you say shit, like when you said “suspect.”

  INEZ: My face is my face.

  NORCA: See, you doin’ it right now!

  INEZ: I’m not doin’ nuthin’.

  NORCA: Yes you are, and it’s funny. Dass all. It’s a compliment, okay? ‘Cuz sometimes I think about funny things you useta say that was funny, or how your face looked like when you was reactin’ ta something—like in school—or when we had them sleepovers at your aunt’s house—or, like, ya know, all the times we was together—and, I think ta myself, “Damn, that bitch was funny,” and I wanna just laugh, and I do laugh, and it’s helpful to laugh sometimes—and dass ‘cuz of you, so—dass all.

  INEZ: Yeah, okay.

  NORCA: I ain’t tryin’ ta say nuthin’.

  INEZ: Okay, then.

  NORCA: What? You ain’t got no compliment for me?

  INEZ: Well, Norca, other than “Gee, girl, your fat ass bounced off my kitchen table real nice when you was servin’ up your stank pussy to my husband”—other than that, I admit I’m drawing a complete blank.

  NORCA: Whatever …

  INEZ: That all you got to say?

  NORCA: I’m just tryin’ ta have a nice conversation.

  INEZ: You fucked my husband!

  NORCA: You ain’t never missed me after all these years?

  INEZ: You fucked my husband!

  NORCA: I mean, besides that.

  INEZ: Norca—you fucked my husband!!!

  NORCA: How many times I gotta apologize for that?!

  INEZ: How about once?!

  NORCA: Awright, shit. I apologize, okay?

  INEZ: Okay.

  NORCA: Okay, then.

  INEZ: Okay.

  NORCA: I’m just tryin’ ta have a nice conversation.

  INEZ: Okay … (To SONIA) Excuse me, Miss, we ain’t ruinin’ your meal or nuthin’, are we?

  SONIA: Oh, no. I’m just … Is that ketchup?

  NORCA: Does it look like ketchup?

  INEZ: (To NORCA) Girl, stop it. (To SONIA) Here ya go.

  SONIA: I’m sorry, I … I’m from Connecticut.

  INEZ: Oh, yeah? You know New Haven?

  SONIA: Um … yeah?

  INEZ: I got some folks up there. Cousins, nephews, all kinds of relations running ’round up there. Good pizza up there in Connecticut. You know about that, Norca?

  NORCA: Stop playin’.

  INEZ: I’m not playin’. (To SONIA) Tell her.

  SONIA: Um.

  INEZ: Tell this bitch y’all got the best pizza up there.

  SONIA: It’s really very good.

  NORCA: Not better than New York.

  INEZ: (To NORCA) You need to get your ass on the Greyhound, try the shit. I’m tellin’ you, remember how pizza useta be?

  NORCA: Yeah?

  INEZ: Well, that’s how it still is up there. (To SONIA) Am I lyin’?

  SONIA: Not as far as I can tell.

  NORCA: (To INEZ) What she know about how pizza useta be over here?

  SONIA: Uh, I’ve had pizza in New York before. Lots of times. We useta come into the city a lot, you know, for the theater or a ball game or like my dad useta take us to the Car Show at the Coliseum on Fifty-ninth—

  INEZ: You here for the wake?

  SONIA: Yeah.

  NORCA: You was a student here?

  SONIA: Uh—

  NORCA: Hold up, you that bitch, ain’t you?! You fuckin’ Wendy Elmer, right?!

  SONIA: No.

  NORCA: I fuckin’ hate your ass!

  SONIA: I’m not her.

  NORCA: Don’t lie, bitch! I always thought you was a stuck-up asshole. I fuckin’ hate you! Get out my face—fuckin’ Wendy Elmer bitch!

  INEZ: (To INEZ) That ain’t Wendy Elmer. Wendy Elmer dead

  NORCA: Dead from what?

  INEZ: Dead from the bitch is dead. I don’t know from what—I ain’t the damn coroner. Wendy Elmer died a long time ago.

  NORCA: Oh.

  INEZ: From a illness, I think.

  NORCA: Well, good then!

  INEZ: Norca, you need ta chill. What the fuck’s your problem?

  SONIA: She’s prolly juss—

  NORCA: I could speak for myself, thank you very much!

  SONIA: I’m sorry.

  (Pause)

  NORCA: You eat fish, donchu?

  SONIA: Eat fish?

  NORCA: You a fish eater.

  SONIA: I enjoy fish?

  NORCA: You suck on females’ titties donchu?!

  SONIA: You mean am I a lesbian? />
  INEZ: (To NORCA) She ain’t no lesbian, Norca. Damn, girl, I’m about ta put a muzzle and a leash on you, you are venomous like some kinda no-ear pit bull. (To SONIA) She’s a little tipsy, tipsy and grieving.

  NORCA: I ain’t grieving! Sister Rose could lick my ass, all I care.

  INEZ: Sister Rose was patient with you, Norca.

  NORCA: So what she was patient? I ain’t tryin’ ta say nuthin’ bad about the bitch—ain’t tryin’ ta disrespect her—I’m here, ain’t I? I’m representin’ for her memory an’ shit. I juss don’t wanna talk about that penguin bitch! I wanna talk about more funny stories like how you fucked that Haitian motherfucker saving up to buy his moms a hut—lighthearted shit, ya know? Funny! Not fuckin’ all this … (To SONIA) Who you think you starin’ at?!

  SONIA: I’m not starin’.

  INEZ: She ain’t starin’!

  NORCA: (To INEZ) Don’t tell me the bitch ain’t starin’! (To SONIA) You better put yo eyeballs back in your head before someone stomp ’em, ya bug-eyed bitch!

  INEZ: (To SONIA) She been drinkin’ a little, ya know?

  NORCA: (To INEZ) Why you takin’ her side?!

  INEZ: Norca—

  NORCA: Doncha “Norca” me; you takin’ her side!! Why you gotta take her side??!! Everywhere I go, someone tryin’ ta take the other person’s side!! Why can’t someone take my damn side for once in a while!! You juss like my mother, my kids, my P.O., my everybody!! Everybody always wanna gang up on me, well, what the fuck did I do, huh?! What the fuck I did so bad that you gotta take the side a some bug-eyed bitch you never met before two minutes ago instead a me who you know practically from fuckin’ birth??!!

  SONIA: I’m gonna go.

  INEZ: No, I’m gonna go.

  NORCA: No!!! I’m a go! You ain’t gonna abandon me twice!! I abandon you! Y’all fuckin’ suck, ya know that?! The two of you! Inez, you look older than the hair on my ass, and—you!!—I know you Wendy Elmer!! You could act like you ain’t but—you are fuckin’ Wendy Elmer and this is for you from fifth-grade Earth Science. C’mere!

  (NORCA slaps SONIA across her teeth.)

  NORCA: I never copied off you, anyway!!

  INEZ: Norca, chill.

  NORCA: (To SONIA) If you so smart, why the fuck you live in Connecticut for??!!

  INEZ: Norca—

  NORCA: Connecticut, pizza-eatin’, conversation-ruin’ fuckin’ bitch!!!

  (NORCA bursts out the bar in tears.)

  INEZ: Sorry.

  SONIA: That’s okay, this has happened to me before.

  INEZ: It has?

  SONIA: Yeah. People always think I’m someone else.

  INEZ: And then they slap you upside the head?

  SONIA: Well, no, but sometimes I get the feeling that they want to.

  (Pause)

  INEZ: That’s … that’s strange.

  (INEZ exits.)

  SONIA: Yeah … Yeah, it is.

  Scene 7: Rooftop in the Confessional

  ROOFTOP: So anyway, Father, 497 interludes, 497 I can think of 497, Father … And that’s not including before I was married, and it’s also not including those nights I can’t remember due to substances, which we better just tack on another 25, 50, ‘cuz I figure it’s better to err on the side a caution, doncha think, Father? Yeah. And I mean, the other thing? the “Seed Spillin’”? That’s, well, started at eight, average, say, one and a half times a day, I just turned forty, that’s 32 times 365, uh, zero carry the one, 13, carry one, 730, 5, 9, 10 … 11, 680 plus half a that, say 55 hundred give or take, that’s over 17,000 solo ventures!—thass a lot a seed, Father—a lot of “whacky-whacky”! I mean, over 500 counts of adultery, 17 grand in self-flagellation, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife”? I’ll be honest, I’m runnin’ outta neighbors!

  FATHER LUX: I smell marijuana.

  ROOFTOP: Yeah … prolly one a them altar boys lighting up, huh?

  FATHER LUX: The altar boys are at Bear Mountain today, sir.

  ROOFTOP: Bear Mountain?

  FATHER LUX: Yes. So—

  ROOFTOP: Y’all still doin’ that? When I was a altar boy, Father C be takin’ us to Bear Mountain every year.

  FATHER LUX: Sir—

  ROOFTOP: We’d always be like, “Dag, Father C, Bear Mountain again”?! “Can’t we go to like Great Adventure, Jungle Habitat, change it up a little”—

  FATHER LUX: Sir?

  ROOFTOP: Yes, Father?

  FATHER LUX: The marijuana. I must ask you to extinguish it.

  ROOFTOP: Oh … You wouldn’t want a hit before I put it out, would ya, Father?

  FATHER LUX: I’d just like you to put it out, sir.

  ROOFTOP: Right. Sorry, Padre.

  FATHER LUX: It’s okay.

  ROOFTOP: Nah, I’m a bad man, smokin’ weed up in here, temptin’ one of God’s soldiers wit’ some sensimilla. You must think I’m some kinda … Ya think there’s any hope for me?

  FATHER LUX: Listen, we have weekend retreats for those kinds of questions.

  ROOFTOP: I’m juss askin’ your opinion. Is it not okay to ask?

  FATHER LUX: There are people better equipped than me to answer that.

  ROOFTOP: Like who?

  FATHER LUX: Well, God. Ask God.