“Hold on,” my mom said, “talk to your father.”
I rolled my eyes as I heard her tell him about my rooming situation.
“Sari, sweetie,” my dad said, getting on the line. “I don’t like this.”
Not him, too. “Want me to go check if the gift shop has some mace?” I asked. “I’ll spray Zev if you want me to.”
“I’m not joking here, Sari,” he said. “This is not funny.”
No kidding. “I know Dad. I just don’t know what you guys want me to do.” My voice was rising, and I brought it back down. “It’s not safe to drive and the whole reason I didn’t come home on Thursday was because of the money, getting my own room and spending more now makes this whole trip home a waste, and I can’t do that. I need there to be a reason for it.” After everything I’d been through, there had to be one upside to it all, even if it was just getting home in time for the show and saving a little cash.
“All right, just be careful,” he said.
“I will.”
“I love you, kiddo. Hold on, your brother wants to talk to you.”
“No, I don’t,” I heard Dan grumble.
I knew the feeling. I wasn’t in the mood to talk, either; I just wanted to play my guitar.
Dan got on the phone, anyway.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi.”
“You alive?” he asked.
“Yup.”
“’K, stay that way.”
“I’ll try,” I said, hesitantly. He was being too nice.
“Good,” he told me, “because I’m taking your room when you go to college, and I can’t do that if they turn it into a shrine.”
There it was. We didn’t have the biggest apartment in the world, and Dan and I both had makeshift rooms—basically my parents chopped up the living room and kitchen and put in fake walls. My room was a tiny bit bigger than Dan’s. He knew I got upset when he said he was switching. I was very territorial when it came to my bedroom, which was basically like asking him to give me an extra hard time about it. Although, if I was being honest, I gave back just as good as I got.
But somehow, today, my little brother’s crusty comment gave me my first real smile in a while. “I love you, too,” I said.
“I know,” he answered, but I knew he meant it. We may have had our fights, but he loved me and I loved him.
I might not have had a boyfriend anymore, but I had a kick-ass family—even if they pestered me a lot.
After I hung up, I finally took Ruby out of her case. It felt so good to have her back in my arms. I’d been waiting for this all day, but I didn’t even manage to get my pick positioned between my fingers before there was another knock at the door.
“Sari?” It was Zev. Again.
Holy hell. I really couldn’t take him. “I’m in the bathroom. Clearly I’m trying for some privacy.”
“I just wanted to see if you wanted anything to eat. I’m going to go raid the vending machine, and check out the restaurant downstairs. Fitz said it has some decent options. Want anything?”
“What I want is to be left alone.” I heard footsteps walk away from the door. Finally, he was taking the hint. A little too late.
My fingers were shaking with anger, I couldn’t very well play like that. I carefully put Ruby back in her case.
Thanks to Zev and his talk about food, all I could think about was how hungry I was. I’d barely eaten anything all day. I reached into my bag and pulled out Gram’s cookies. These would have to do, because there was no way I was taking anything from Zev, and I was not leaving this bathroom while he was still around.
After a couple of cookies, I still hadn’t calmed down.
I called Trina. She always knew how to keep me from losing it.
“Where have you been?” she said, skipping the hello. “You haven’t been picking up. I thought something happened.”
“It almost did,” I confessed.
“What?! Are you okay?”
I didn’t know if it was the panic in her voice, the memory of what happened, or everything that was going on with Zev, but as I told her about spinning out of control and heading for the guardrail, I started crying again.
“Sari, tell me what I can do?” she said.
“Nothing, I’m fine.” I hated being like this. I never considered myself a crier, and yet here I was continuing to let loose enough tears to fill an ocean. This week was the worst. “I just don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of this trip. I locked myself in the bathroom, so I didn’t have to deal with you-know-who. But I’ll have to see him eventually. And then I have another car ride with him. How am I supposed to breathe with him so close?”
“I’m coming to get you,” she said.
“You can’t. It’s dangerous out there.”
“Tomorrow morning. I’ll pick you up. The storm will have passed here by then. Text me your address; I’ll be there by ten a.m.”
It was the sweetest offer, but I had to refuse. It was asking too much. “I’m still more than an hour out of the city. I can’t make you do that.”
“You’re not making me do anything. I want to. Besides, I haven’t seen my best friend all week, it will give us some time together.”
I ripped apart another cookie. “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.”
I wasn’t, though. “What about your mom and dad? It’s one thing to drive a few blocks in the city, this is a big trip. They’ll flip.”
“You leave Gary and Sandy to me. You’re not the only parent whisperer around here.”
“Positive?” I asked, checking one more time.
“Positive.”
I was already feeling a little better.
“Now that we’ve got that taken care of,” she said. “Where’s Ruby?”
“Right here.”
“Good,” she said, “now put me on speakerphone, and play me your set.”
“What? No.”
“I want to hear it,” she insisted. “It will do us both some good. Music therapy.”
Even though she couldn’t see me, I nodded. I took Ruby back out and started to play.
It was a moment-to-moment struggle to keep myself from thinking of Zev, but he had already taken enough from me, I was not going to let him ruin my rehearsal time, too. Focus on the music, Sari.
I made myself concentrate on Ruby and the lyrics and the way the sound echoed in the bathroom. I kind of liked the acoustics. It was different. Before I knew it, I let myself go. I loved the feeling; time seemed to stand still. It felt like a couple of minutes, but that was impossible, I was already finishing my last song.
Trina started applauding.
“You are so ready for tomorrow!”
“You think?”
“I know,” she said. “Now I’m going to hang up, and you’re going to play the set again. You’ve got this, Sari. The music is going to help you get through this.”
So was she. “Thank you for everything, Trina. I really don’t know what I’d be doing without you. I hope you know, I’m always here for you, too. You’re like a sister to me. One I got to choose.”
“Same here, but let’s stop before we start crying,” she warned. “No sappy stuff, unless it’s part of a song. I don’t want you losing focus. Today and tomorrow are about the music, remember? Put the emotion there.”
“Aye-aye, Captain.”
We said good-bye, and I started playing again. This time it didn’t take me any time to get in the zone. I wanted this sensation of getting lost in the music to last forever, or at least a little longer.
Only no such luck. There was another knock on the bathroom door.
THIRTY-THREE
“Zev! Go away! Enough already!” I shouted. How many times did I have to tell him?
“Uhh, Sari, this is Dylan.”
Oh my God. I jumped up and opened the door. “Dylan, I’m so sorry.”
“No worries. I didn’t want to bother you, but I really have to use the bathroom. Sorry.
I’ll only be a minute.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s all yours,” I said, picking up my stuff. “I’m done.”
I couldn’t believe I had been so rude. Other than when we first got to the hotel, I hadn’t even thought about if someone else needed the bathroom or wanted to shower. We’d been traveling all day; of course they’d want to get in here at some point, but I was hogging it. They were probably too afraid to say anything. Afraid I’d snap. And I did.
“Coast is clear,” Fitz said, when I emerged from my island of seclusion.
“Huh?”
“Zev. He went down to the lobby to make some calls.”
Right, because that’s what courteous people did. They excused themselves when they wanted some privacy, they didn’t steal the common area.
Fitz was lying down on his bed, flicking channels on the TV.
“I’m sorry about taking so long in there.” I put my stuff next to my bed, and fell backward onto it. “I can’t believe I yelled at Dylan.”
“No big deal. Trust me, it takes a lot more to faze him.”
“True,” Dylan said, reentering the room and grabbing the remote from Fitz. “The bathroom is all yours again if you want it.”
“That’s okay, but thank you.” I did want to keep playing, but I had overstepped enough today. “You both have been really great. Sorry for adding so much drama to your trip.”
“Made it more interesting,” Dylan answered. Although I highly doubted that was the case.
“And stop apologizing,” Fitz said, swiping the remote back. “Not your fault. We’ve all had days like this. Are you okay?”
That was nice of him to say, but I felt like I should be begging their forgiveness for having to deal with Zev and me. “Yeah, thanks,” I said, sitting back up. Fitz was looking at me. It was like he was trying to figure out if I was lying—which I was. “Much better.” The music helped, but I was still a mess. But I didn’t want them to feel obligated to try and cheer me up, so I tried to put on my best happy face. It wasn’t their job to make me feel better. They had a rough day, too. They deserved a break without me being a bigger imposition than I’d already been.
I told them about Trina picking me up tomorrow.
“Sari, I can sit in the back with Zev,” Fitz said. “You won’t have to talk to him; Dylan and I can be your buffer.”
“Thanks, but Trina was looking for an excuse to drive on the highway, anyway,” I lied again. “She’ll be pissed at me if I don’t let her come.”
“Well, we won’t leave until we’re sure she gets here,” Dylan said. “Just in case.”
“Thanks.” But I knew I could count on Trina.
“And I don’t know if you’re going to want to hear this or not,” Dylan added, pointing toward the microwave in the corner of the room, “but Zev brought you some stuff.”
Sitting on top of the microwave were peanut butter M&M’S, Oreos, and one of those cups of macaroni and cheese that you just add water to and heat. My top three go-to stress snacks. I practically lived on them during finals last semester. Zev was a Twizzler and gummy bears guy, so there was no doubt they were intended for me. I didn’t understand him. Why was he trying so hard? Why did he care? Was he just messing with me? Was he really sorry? Tons of questions swirled around my head, but I couldn’t think about them. I had to push them aside. No more Zev thoughts until after my show.
“You guys can have them,” I said. “I’m just going to get some sleep; I’m pretty tired.”
“Want us to turn off the TV?” Fitz asked.
I shook my head. It wouldn’t matter. I was exhausted. I barely slept last night, and with everything that happened today, I was worn out. I was sure I could sleep through anything. I crawled under the covers, not even bothering to change out of the dress.
I was just ready to crash and for this day to be over.
THIRTY-FOUR
A snore, a really loud snore woke me from my sleep. I couldn’t tell if it was Fitz or Dylan, but one of them had some major nasal issues. They could give the tuba section in my school band a serious run for its money.
I glanced at the clock on the nightstand separating the two beds. I had only been asleep for three hours.
No!
It was so not to time to be up. I closed my eyes and tried to fall back asleep, but I just found myself tossing and turning, the top sheet twisting around my body. Why was I wide awake?
I sat up, my eyes adjusting to the darkness.
Zev was back. He was lying in what looked like the most uncomfortable position, with both feet dangling way off the side of the sofa and one arm over his head. He looked like a cartoon character, a giant in a bed made for one of the Seven Dwarfs. Yet, he still managed to sleep. I was the only one awake.
His glasses were on the end table next to him. He looked so different without them, handsome both ways, but different.
Stop it.
I looked back at the time. I had just spent ten minutes staring at my ex. I needed to do something. I wanted to go back in the bathroom and play the guitar some more, but I didn’t want to wake Dylan and Fitz up. On top of everything else, I was not going to be the reason they barely got any rest.
I found my eyes wandering to Zev again. Enough!
I grabbed Ruby and my key card and tiptoed into the hall, shutting the door lightly behind me. Zev had excused himself to make his calls earlier. That’s what I needed to do—find someplace to play, somewhere with sturdier, better-insulated walls. That’s what a responsible human would do.
I knew just the place.
The stairwell. I opened the door and went down until I was between my floor and the one below and sat on one of the steps. I wouldn’t sing at full blast or even play Ruby the way I normally would, but I just needed some music, something, anything, to help calm my mind so I could get back to sleep.
I had been avoiding singing “Living, Loving, You,” all day, but it really was my best song. I took a deep breath, if I could get through it here, maybe I could end my set with it. It would be the strongest choice.
I took a deep breath and looked at Ruby. “We can do this,” I whispered. But I didn’t even get to the lyrics, just the guitar intro and I already needed to wipe away tears. It was just too personal. The whole song was how loving him made living that much better. Now, what did that mean? That without him, things would always be a little darker? The song was supposed to be fun, dreamy, whimsical, with a touch of magic. It didn’t work if you sobbed your way through it.
I couldn’t do it. Instead I went to an old faithful—a Kevin Wayward song. It wasn’t the one I was using for my set, but it was fitting for my mood. It spoke to what I was feeling now. It was about moving on, leaving the past behind, even if it meant leaving a piece of your heart there, too.
I sang it twice, and while it felt cathartic, it didn’t make me tired at all. If anything, it energized me. I needed something soothing, something to make me sleepy. The lullaby my dad used to play for my brother and me popped into my head. He wrote the tune and lyrics himself. It wasn’t anything fancy or Grammy winning, but to me it was perfect.
Sleep my sweet angel, sleep my love, sleep my baby, dream of the day to come, I sang. As I was about to start the second verse the door to the stairwell slammed shut, and I almost dropped Ruby.
I jumped up. Who was it? Maybe I really should have looked for some mace. I listened to enough news, so I knew what could happen. The stairwell of a hotel in the middle of the night was the equivalent of a dark alley. I didn’t even have my stupid heels on me, at least maybe they would have served as a weapon, some sort of dagger.
I turned to face the door, holding Ruby like a bat.
To my relief, it wasn’t one of the FBI’s Most Wanted, but it was someone who made me want to scream. “Zev! You scared me half to death.”
“Sorry.”
Before I could give him my speech about how I was fed up with his showing up everywhere, he continued talking. “I’m not here to convince you
to take me back. I know you need some space. You made that more than clear, and I heard you singing, I heard the…,” his voice trailed off. What had he heard? The heartbreak, the pain, the sadness in my voice? I didn’t ask. “I just wanted to tell you,” he continued, “Trina doesn’t have to come tomorrow. The guys told me what you were doing. The train station isn’t far from here; I’ll just take one back. I didn’t want to make you find another way home, I wasn’t trying to run you out, I was just trying to understand. I don’t know what I did, Sari.”
I rolled my eyes at him.
“Okay, I know what I did at the party, but I don’t know what happened after. On the plane. One second you were saying we might be okay, and the next you were telling me to get lost.”
“I saw your text,” I whispered and turned around and sat back down.
I didn’t know why I was talking to him. Maybe because he kept doing all these really nice things like offering to take the train home. Or maybe because deep down I wanted to hear his explanation, even if I knew I wouldn’t believe it.
“What text?” he asked.
Now he was going to play dumb? “The one from Bethanne. The one that said ‘see you tomorrow,’ even though you said you had cut off all communication with her. The one that proved you were a liar.”
He sat down next to me, and punched something up on his phone. “You mean this text?” he said and handed me the phone. “Scroll back.”
I didn’t know what he was trying to prove, but curiosity got the better of me. I went to the top. The thread started Thursday night, only it wasn’t just to Zev, it was a group text to about a dozen people.
The first text was from Bethanne:
Fine, maybe he didn’t plan a date with his ex, but he was still having contact with her—getting together in a group more than counted. “You said you told her you wanted nothing to do with her, but this is still having something to do with her.”
“Keep reading.”
I didn’t know what he was getting at. I really didn’t care that Tali, Zac, Lindy, Megan, and a bunch of other people were all “in” for the get-together, too. Paul’s party had a ton of people, and that didn’t stop Bethanne and Zev from doing what they did—why would this be any different?
Airports, Exes, and Other Things I'm Over Page 14