Trina pulled up in front of my building, and I was smiling so wide, my cheeks hurt, but I couldn’t stop.
After everything I’d been through, I was finally home!
THIRTY-EIGHT
Despite a heavy suitcase, a guitar, and a backpack, I practically floated to my apartment. It felt so good to be back. Trina told me to call her if I needed anything, but I was fine now. I made it home with time to spare. I thanked her but let her know I’d see her tonight.
I didn’t even get my key all the way in when my mother opened the door and threw her arms around me. All the anger and annoyance I felt the other day melted away as I squeezed her back. It felt safe in her arms, familiar.
“There she is,” my dad said, joining us. “Do I get a turn?”
I hugged him, too, and after I pulled away they both just stood there, staring at me. They looked so relieved to see me, that it almost made me want to cry. Happy tears this time.
“It’s only been a week,” I said, finally dropping my stuff. “You’re acting like I’ve been gone a year.”
“We were worried,” my mom said.
“I know. Thank you, but now you can see for yourself, I’m fine.” I was more than fine.
“We’re happy you’re home,” my dad said. “It was too quiet here without you.”
“You mean nice,” my brother yelled from the living room.
I headed toward him. “Don’t you mean boring?” I dropped next to him on the couch and pulled him toward me. “You know you missed your big sister,” I told him, cradling him like he was my baby.
He tried to push me away, but I wouldn’t let go.
“Did not,” he said, but he was smiling.
“Yes, you did,” I said, in singsong voice. “And lucky for you, I’m going to college nearby just so I can come back and bug you all the time.”
“I hear there are some good schools in Alaska,” he said, pulling away and trying to give me a noogie.
Back to normal had never felt so good.
My set was at eight, and I wanted to get there no later than seven. That still gave me time to take a nap and get ready.
I took off the dress and threw it in the hamper. It felt good to get out of that thing. I took a quick shower and then crawled into my bed. My bed. Oh, how I missed it. It was the perfect balance of firm and soft. Goldilocks would never have left, and at the moment, I didn’t want to, either. I set my alarm, snuggled up against my blanket and closed my eyes.
* * *
A persistent beep filled my room. Had it been three hours already?
Normally, I would have hit snooze, but tonight was too big a deal to risk oversleeping. I wasn’t messing around. I got out of bed, searched my closet for the blue dress, and started getting ready.
As I was putting on the final touches of my makeup at my desk, there was a knock on my door.
“Sari, can I come in?” my mom asked.
“Yeah,” I said, closing my mascara tube and studying my work in the little stand mirror.
Mom nodded her head at me in approval. “Wow, I have one beautiful daughter.”
“Thanks.”
She sat down on the edge of my bed and patted the spot next to her. She wanted me to come sit. I hoped this wasn’t about my lack of communication or her texting Zev. I really didn’t want to get into that now.
I moved beside her and waited.
“How are you doing?”
I was getting kind of tired of people asking me that, but I answered, “Great.”
“No, really,” she said. “I’m still worried about you.”
“Well, don’t. I’m safe. I’m out of the storm. You’re seeing me with your own eyes. Everything’s good.”
“I meant because of what’s happening with you and Zev.”
I sucked in some air. She was doing this now? “Nothing’s happening with us. We’re over. I told you that.” And I had been trying very hard not to dwell on it. Why was she bringing it up? “I’m past it.”
“You’re past it?”
Was she going to repeat all my words back to me? “Yep.” I cried myself out yesterday and all last week. Today was a new day. I was moving forward.
“All right.” She didn’t say anything else, she just put her arm around me and pulled me to her shoulder. And I don’t know why, but my eyes started to well up again and my body started to shake. It was like my mom was seeing through me, and I couldn’t keep up the facade anymore. There was something about being there with her that made me just want to unload it all.
“Let it out,” she said.
And I did. I told her everything. The kiss. The explanation. The text. The stress. The fight.
“Well, it sounds to me,” she said, “the question here isn’t about love. It’s clear that’s still there. It’s about trust.”
“How am I ever supposed to do that again?” I wiped my eyes and black mascara came off on the back of my hand. Crap. Now on top of everything else, I was going to have to redo my makeup. “Seeing Zev and Bethanne together…” I took a deep breath and let it out. “I never want to feel that way again.”
“I know.” She ran her fingers through my hair. “But, sweetie, part of love is opening your heart. You have to take a risk sometimes.”
“I did and look where it got me.”
“It’s upsetting, and sometimes you’ll get hurt. Relationships take work. They need trust. Despite what all those songs you live on say, love by itself isn’t enough. And if you can’t trust Zev, then you’re right to end it.”
I grabbed a tissue from my end table and blew my nose.
“But,” she continued, “if this isn’t about him, and it’s about fear—fear of getting hurt, fear of the unknown, fear of what you can’t control, fear of whatever, you’re going to miss out. Yes, sometimes there will be pain, sometimes people will disappoint you, sometimes even intentionally, but that doesn’t mean you should ever close off your heart.” She pulled me closer to her. “Love is a gift. All kinds of love. Family. Friends. A partner. To give it, to receive it, it’s so much more powerful than fear.”
“But how do I know something like before won’t happen again?”
“You don’t. That’s why you have to decide if you trust him or not—if you believe his explanation.”
I did. At least I think I did. “And then what?”
“Then you take it from there. If you don’t trust him, then you’re done. If you do, then you can’t question his every move. If you worry over every text, every time he doesn’t pick up the phone, you’ll drive yourself and those around you up a wall.”
That was true. When my mom was checking up on me every three seconds yesterday, I wanted to scream. Still, I was starting to understand. The not knowing was scary.
“Sari, there are no guarantees in life. We all just do the best that we can. I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could tell you no one will ever break your heart again, but I can’t. But I can tell you, you won’t regret loving someone. There’s no better feeling. Whether it’s with Zev or someone new, don’t close yourself off from loving—that’s not a way to live.”
“What do I do about him?” I was still so confused.
“I can’t tell you that, either. That’s up to you. But if you listen to your head, your heart, your gut, they’ll guide you. Whatever you decide, you’ll get through this, and I will be here for you every step of the way.”
While that didn’t give me the answer, somehow knowing she’d be there helped.
THIRTY-NINE
My dad let out a low whistle when I came out of my room. “Are you sure we can’t come?”
“Next time, I promise,” I said. This wasn’t their crowd, and I didn’t want to worry about what they were thinking or if they’d try to chat up Sheila. I could picture my dad laying it on thick, and while totally sweet, Sheila was not exactly the sentimental type.
“Knock ’em dead,” he said.
My mom snapped a picture on her phone, and even Dan congrat
ulated me.
This was real. I was on my way to Meta.
I got there super early. Other than for a couple of employees, the place was empty. I took the time to sound check and warm up. Even then I still had more than an hour to kill.
They told me I could wait backstage. Backstage!
I thought I might hyperventilate. I’d never been allowed in this area before. I felt such a burst of energy as I opened the door and went down a narrow hall to my dressing room.
I had a dressing room! I wanted to shout it to the world.
It didn’t matter that it wasn’t the fanciest or that it also doubled as a storage room; it was mine, and this was epic.
I was standing in the same place that Kevin Wayward, Grammy winners, and some of the biggest names in music stood. I was on my way. I sat in the chair and let my thoughts roam. They started with how I had dreamed of being here for so long, but pretty soon that brought me to Zev. I had always pictured him here with me. Everything my mom said rolled around in my brain. Zev said Bethanne kissed him. I believed him before I saw that group text. Why was it so hard for me to get back to that place?
I needed to stop. I could drown myself in these thoughts. Right now, I had a show to get ready for. It was getting closer.
I tried to meditate, but I was too amped up. I was the first set of the night. I’d be going on soon.
“Fifteen minutes,” Craig, one of the employees, came back to tell me.
“Thanks.”
I decided to peek out at the crowd. I spotted Trina and waved. She was at a table with Mike, Trevor, and Dom. No sign of Zev, but I guess I should have expected that. I told him not to come. Had he taken my words to heart? Had he gone to Bethanne’s?
I really had to stop this train of thought.
I looked around the rest of the room. It definitely wasn’t a Kevin Wayward–sized crowd, but there were people. They didn’t need to remove any tables and chairs, but a good number of seats were taken. That was kind of impressive.
The place normally picked up later on Saturdays. My set was fairly early. But I didn’t care. I was at Meta, and an actual audience was going to watch me perform. An audience that was alive with possibilities.
I returned backstage and the ten-minute call came.
Then the five.
I found myself bouncing up and down and quietly running through the scales.
Then one minute.
I picked up Ruby. This was it.
Craig was onstage introducing me. “Welcome to Meta,” he said. “Our first performer tonight is making her debut here. She’s just eighteen years old but has an incredibly powerful voice. Let’s give it up for Sari Silver.”
I walked out and waved as the crowd applauded. I heard Trina scream my name. I felt a nervous energy. Not exactly scared but more excited or rather electrified. This was finally happening. I was onstage at the greatest club in the world. I pulled the stool in front of the microphone and took a seat with Ruby on my lap.
“Hi, everyone. It’s so amazing to be here, and I have some great songs for you.” I introduced my first one, a Kevin Wayward ballad and began to play. For most of it, I was pretty aware of my surroundings of what was happening, of how important this night was. But by the time I made it to the second one, “The Wonder of It,” I loosened up. I was able to get lost in my playing, into that music high that I loved. It was pretty exhilarating. Before I knew it, it was time for my last song.
I began to play.
Only I wasn’t playing the song I had been planning to do. I was playing the one I had written for Zev—“Living, Loving, You.”
Lost in the music, in the moment, my heart knew what it wanted. It knew what I wanted. Being up there in front of the crowd, it was like a fog had lifted, and the decision was made. Just like that, I knew the song was what I had to play.
Living you is loving.
Loving you is living.
Living, loving, you.
Living, loving, you.
My mom’s words had come back to me. Don’t close yourself off from loving—that’s not a way to live.
She was basically paraphrasing my song lyrics, I just hadn’t seen it. Zev made living so much better.
I was not going to lose that. Not over fear. I didn’t let nerves keep me from doing my music, and I wasn’t going to let it keep me from the guy who made me laugh, and feel beautiful and loved—even if we did hit a rocky patch.
I knew what I had to do.
I had to get Zev back.
I finished the song, and the crowd erupted. Well, Trina and her table erupted, the rest of the audience gave a really nice round of applause. I took a bow and looked out at the crowd.
I never felt a rush like that in my life. I was doing what I loved, what I dreamed of. My friends were there to support me, and even people I never met were applauding. There was just one thing missing, one person I needed to make this night complete.
It was time to take a chance.
What Zev and I had was worth fighting for, and that’s exactly what I was going to do.
FORTY
I went backstage, grabbed my phone and texted Zev.
I could see that he read it, but no reply came. Not even those little dots that showed someone was typing.
I tried again.
I waited. He was ignoring me. Maybe I deserved that, but I wasn’t going to give up.
“I love you, too.”
I swung around. It was Zev.
“You’re here,” I said.
He was leaning against the door frame. “I wasn’t going to miss this.”
I took a step toward him. “I looked out in the audience, but I didn’t see you there.”
“I came in right at the start and stayed in the corner. I didn’t want to throw you off. I didn’t know if you wanted me here.”
“I did.” I moved closer to him, until I was leaning on the other side of the door frame.
We stood there, just looking at each other. He was waiting for me to speak, but I didn’t even know where to start.
“Zev … I…”
I shook my head, letting my hair spill over my face. Seeing him, I felt excited and awkward and shy and totally at a loss for words.
He reached out, moving my hair back behind my ear. His hand touched my cheek, and I shivered.
Then I just let the words spill. “Zev, I should have heard you out. I should have let you explain. I was just so hurt and confused. I needed time to think.”
“And I should have given it to you.”
“I don’t want us to be over,” I said.
“Neither do I.” He smiled, and I reached up and touched his dimple.
“You played my song,” he said and moved closer to me.
“It felt right.” I inched in, too, until just a hair separated us. Our bodies weren’t touching, but I could feel a current between us, like that electrically charged force that keeps two magnets apart until the pull is too strong to resist.
“You know what else is right?” he asked.
“What?”
“This.” Zev stepped in again, until there was no space between us. He put his hands through my hair, lifting my face toward his.
My heartbeat quickened and my lips parted slightly. Zev leaned down and kissed me. Slow and gentle at first, and then more greedily, neither of us wanting to pull away.
It felt new and old again, and I didn’t want it to stop. As his arms wrapped around me, and his lips continued to press into mine, I knew we were the stuff of love songs.
This was what home felt like.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
In some ways, this is the hardest part to write, because I can’t come close to expressing how thankful I am for all the help, guidance, and support I’ve received while working on this book.
Jonathan Yaged and Jean Feiwel: Being a part of Swoon Reads and Macmillan is a dream come true. Thank you for this amazing opportunity.
Holly West and Lauren Scobell: Where do I start? You both leave
me in awe with all that you do. Please know how appreciative I am for your notes, edits, advice, and friendship.
The more people I meet at Swoon and Macmillan, the more I realize just how lucky I am. From the subrights, sales, marketing, publicity, digital, and advertising teams to the production and copy editors, the designers, assistants, interns, and everyone else I’ve had the pleasure of working with on this journey—you all make this experience a truly wonderful one. Thank you so much.
Laura Dail: Your kindness, expertise, and advice continue to amaze me—and keep me on course—as I navigate the writing world. Thank you for all that you (and your team) do. It is very appreciated.
To all the librarians, booksellers, bloggers, reviewers, readers, and the Swoon community, thank you for spending time with Sari and her friends.
To my colleagues and friends at Fox 5, you guys are awesome! Your support of my books (and me) means a lot. And a special shout-out to Audrey Puente who helped me figure out a weather nightmare scenario for a time of year that tends to be pretty calm in the Northeast, and to Lou Albanese, who, for My New Crush Gave to Me, helped me figure out some football plays.
My latest books have all shown close, supportive friendships. I didn’t have to go far for inspiration. I truly am blessed with incredible friends. You all mean so much to me.
The same goes for my family. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
Mom, Jordan, Andrea, Liam, and Alice—my heart is filled with so much love for you all. Always know you mean the world to me.
I wish my dad were here, so I could share this all with him. Knowing what he’d say doesn’t make up for the loss, but it does remind me of how much he loved his family—and we him.
And finally, to the airline that left me stranded for hours (and ultimately detoured me to Michigan)—I came up with this book during that delay. You showed me how to make the most of a bad situation. So for that, thank you, but next time, I’d really prefer to take off on time. ☺
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Shani Petroff is a writer living in New York City. She is the author of Romeo and What's Her Name, My New Crush Gave to Me, and the “Bedeviled” series, which includes Daddy's Little Angel; The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Dress; Careful What You Wish For; and Love Struck. She is the co-author of the “Destined” series, which includes Ash and Ultraviolet. She also writes for television news programs and several other venues. When she’s not locked in her apartment typing away, she spends a whole lot of time on books, boys, TV, daydreaming, and shopping online. You can sign up for email updates here.
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