‘I have been thinking on this for some time. It seems to me that our marriage was hasty in the extreme and that had we but exercised some sense in the first place, it would never have happened!’ She took a quick glance at his face and looked away even more quickly. This was torture. Not only was she tearing herself apart but she was ripping Kit’s feelings to pieces before her own eyes.
‘No,’ Kit said, and there was an angry edge to his voice now. ‘At least do not pretend that we did not care for each other then, Eleanor!’
Eleanor tried to shrug. ‘It was so, I suppose. At least, I thought that I cared for you—’
She saw Kit flinch and felt sick. For both their sakes she had to finish this quickly.
‘And it is not that I do not care for you now…’ Her voice wavered.
‘Then what is it?’ Kit’s tone was harsh. ‘For God’s sake, Eleanor, tell me what has put this foolish notion into your head!’ He took an angry turn about the room. ‘Is it that you wish to punish me for leaving you? That even now, having heard my reasons and my apologies, you cannot forgive me? For if that is so—’
‘No!’ Eleanor cried. She just managed to resist the temptation to put her hands over her ears. ‘I have no wish to punish you, Kit, but…’ her voice sank to a whisper ‘…I cannot remain married to you. I am sorry.’
There was a silence.
‘I, too, am sorry.’ Kit spoke very formally now. ‘I was under the impression that we wanted the same things. I thought that tonight we had achieved some kind of understanding and that in time, at least—’ He broke off.
‘It is for the best,’ Eleanor said helplessly. ‘You may be free to achieve the family that you wish and I shall also be free to go where I choose and do—’ She stopped, unable to go on. She could feel his gaze on her, direct and angry, but also very perceptive. Too perceptive. Eleanor felt acutely vulnerable. She got to her feet.
‘I must go…’
‘Oh no,’ Kit said smoothly. He caught her arm. ‘Oh no, my dear. You cannot make so outrageous a demand as this without justifying your reasons! I want to understand you. I need to understand…’
Eleanor looked into his eyes and recoiled from the anger and pain she saw there. If she had ever doubted that Kit loved her she had her answer now—she had smashed all of his hopes and expectations with her words. The pain of it was tormenting her as well, yet she could not explain to him. Her fear was stronger than all else; fear that she could never give him what he wanted.
They gazed at each other for what seemed like forever, then the angry light faded from Kit’s eyes.
‘Nell…’ His voice was impossibly gentle. ‘What is this all about? I cannot believe that it is truly what you want—’
Eleanor evaded his eyes. ‘It has to be—’
‘It does not!’ Kit’s hands tightened fiercely and she winced. ‘I do not understand! I could have sworn that you had feelings for me—that you were not indifferent! Yet now you suggest this…’ His hands dropped away. ‘Eleanor, look at me and tell me that this is what you want.’
Eleanor forced her eyes to meet his for the briefest of seconds. ‘It is what I want, Kit,’ she said tonelessly.
Kit stepped back meticulously, as though his presence too close to her was a contamination. Eleanor felt the cold seeping through her bones. She started to shiver convulsively.
‘Very well.’ Kit sounded almost calm, and looked it, but for the tight line of his lips and the hard expression in his eyes. ‘I hear what you say, my lady. Now hear this. I do not believe your reasons and we will talk of them again. Further, I do not agree to the annulment of our marriage. Do you understand me? There shall be no annulment!’
With a sudden, violent movement he had sent his empty wineglass spinning from the mantelpiece to smash into fragments in the hearth. Eleanor flinched.
‘You are right,’ Kit said quietly. ‘You had better go.’
Eleanor’s legs managed to carry her as far as her own bedchamber, where she sank down on the bed and shook uncontrollably. Her mind was numb, dazed. She wondered why she had not considered that Kit would respond as he had. Had she expected him to agree to an annulment so easily when she would not even give him the honest reason why she wanted one?
Eleanor covered her face with her hands. She had been dishonest and cruel to both Kit and herself. She knew that he deserved the truth, deserved to know both about his lost child and her terror of losing another or of never being able to have more children…Yet she had locked that grief and fear so deep within herself that even now she could not tell him. He had gradually stripped away all of the barriers that remained between them until they were in a position where they could have started to rebuild their love. Instead she had told him that she wanted nothing of it…
With a sob, Eleanor curled up, wrapped her arms about herself and at last gave way to her tears.
When Eleanor woke up her head felt the size of a marrow and her eyes appeared to have been gummed together. At first she felt inclined to stay in bed, pull the covers over her head and pretend that nothing was wrong, but her feelings of misery could not be ignored. Although the bed curtains were drawn she could see that it was broad daylight and she decided instead to get up and do something—anything—to stave off her unhappiness rather than to lie there and wallow in it. A tear escaped unbidden from the corner of her eye and slid down on to the pillow, and that decided her. She jumped out of bed. She simply could not lie around feeling sorry for herself. It would give her too much time to think.
She rang the bell for Lucy, then saw her reflection in the mirror and regretted it. She looked dreadful and the maid would not scruple to tell her so. All Lucy’s cunning ministrations would be wasted this morning, for Eleanor doubted if she would look anything other than wan and ugly.
Sure enough, Lucy almost dropped the can of hot water when she came into the bedroom.
‘Oh! Oh, ma’am! Are you ill? You look quite dreadful!’
‘Thank you, Lucy,’ Eleanor said tiredly. ‘I am not ill, though my head aches a little. Pray make me as presentable as you can.’
A full hour later, washed, combed, curled and anointed with rose-petal cream, which Lucy swore would revive her complexion, Eleanor tiptoed downstairs. As soon as she set foot in the hall, the door to the drawing-room opened and Kit emerged. Eleanor felt her heart plunge as she saw him. He looked even worse than she did.
‘Good morning, Eleanor.’ He spoke distantly. ‘I would appreciate it if you would spare a moment to speak with me.’
Eleanor shuddered. If Kit had reviewed his situation and was now prepared to agree to the annulment she did not really want to hear it and if he had not and wanted to discuss the matter further, she did not want that either. On the other hand, she could scarcely refuse his request. He held the door open and she went into the room with great reluctance, hearing the door click closed behind her.
After a moment, Kit said: ‘I have been thinking all night about what you said, Nell. Is it still your wish that our marriage be annulled?’
Eleanor bit her lip hard. ‘It is.’
She saw Kit’s shoulders slump slightly, as though he had been hoping for a different reply. She could say nothing else.
‘I see.’ Kit’s voice was steady. ‘Your reasons?’
‘I have told you—’ Panic clutched at Eleanor’s throat. She was not sure she could bear to rehearse all this again. ‘I believe our marriage was too hasty! We should be given a second chance—’
‘Is there then someone else you would prefer to marry?’ Kit asked, almost as though she had not spoken. ‘Is that what this is about, Eleanor?’
‘No!’ Eleanor burst out. ‘How can you think such a thing, Kit? It was you I was thinking of—’
‘How kind of you,’ Kit said, with such cutting sarcasm that Eleanor had to swallow hard to quell more tears, ‘but I cannot believe your altruistic motives, my love! There is something else here; something I am determined to discover. Yet you swear you do not int
end it just to punish me—’
‘No!’
‘Though surely that is exactly what you are doing now.’ Kit’s quiet words silenced her. ‘I am sorry, Eleanor, but I do not believe your reasons. I know there is something else—something I am determined you will tell me…’
Eleanor turned away so her face should not betray her. ‘There is nothing else.’ Her voice was muffled. ‘This is for the best…’
Kit made a slight gesture. ‘I will ask you again later. And again and again if I must.’ He gave her a slight bow. ‘I am going out now. Good day, Eleanor.’
When he had gone out Eleanor sank down on the sofa and wrung her hands. She was not sure how much of this she could bear. If Kit insisted on asking her, time after time, sooner or later she would give something away…
Eleanor jumped up. Waiting for the inevitable seemed intolerable. If she could just get away for a while…
She hurried back up the stairs, calling for Lucy as she went. The startled maidservant found her pulling the portmanteau out of a cupboard and hauling it up on to the bed.
‘Lucy, we are going to Trevithick for a space,’ Eleanor puffed. ‘London bores me! I need to get away!’
‘Yes, madam…’ The maid caught the other end of the case. ‘Is that a good idea, madam?’
Eleanor frowned at her. ‘Certainly it is! Pray fetch all my dresses and fold them up…’
Lucy looked flustered. ‘Will you need your evening gowns in the country, ma’am?’
‘The day dresses!’ Eleanor snapped. Suddenly she was possessed with a panicky urgency to be away. ‘Walking dresses, promenade dress—’
‘Your riding habit, my lady?’
‘Oh, I will get all the clothes!’ Eleanor said in exasperation. She felt strange—hot and fearful, yet cold at the same time. ‘Fetch my underwear, Lucy! This need not take us long!’
As the maid sped away to open the drawers, the bedroom door swung open and Kit appeared in the aperture.
‘What is all this feverish activity for?’
Kit walked straight into the bedroom and Eleanor realised that once again Lucy had forgotten to close the door. The maid was now standing, hands full of stockings and chemises, her mouth half-open.
‘Lucy, please leave us!’ Eleanor snapped. This was one occasion on which the maid could not possibly misinterpret the animosity between husband and wife. Kit was looking at Eleanor and at the portmanteau and his expression was cold enough to freeze water.
Eleanor bit her lip. She knew that she should have bided her time until she was certain that Kit was out of the house, but in her anxiety to be away she had overlooked his presence.
‘Just what is going on here?’
Kit came up to her. His gaze swept over the portmanteau and the pile of clothes, and fastened on Eleanor’s guilty face. She closed her eyes in anguish.
‘I see.’ Kit said politely, drawing his own conclusions. ‘Did you have any particular destination in mind, my love?’
‘I thought to visit Trevithick for a space,’ Eleanor said, in a rush. ‘It would be better to go away and we may put it about that it is for my health…’
‘I see that you have it all worked out,’ Kit remarked, in a tone that brought the colour into Eleanor’s pale face. ‘Have you already spoken to your brother about this?’
‘No,’ Eleanor flushed. ‘I have spoken to no one…’
‘So this is entirely your own idea.’ Kit was watching her implacably. ‘I am so very glad that I discovered it before it was too late! I should have been quite annoyed to be put to the trouble of searching various inns for you—again!’ He paused. ‘I take it that you were actually planning to travel alone?’
‘I was intending to take Lucy with me!’ Eleanor snapped, deliberately misunderstanding him. ‘I thought that we had sorted out that particular disagreement, my lord—’
‘I thought that we had sorted out many,’ Kit returned, ‘but it seems that I was wrong.’
Eleanor sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. ‘Well, now that you are aware of my plans, do you not think that it is a good idea? I cannot stay here—’
‘Why not?’ Kit enquired, with a lift of an eyebrow.
‘Well, because…’ Eleanor floundered a little.
‘Because we have disagreed over a point of principle?’ Kit asked. ‘I assure you, my dear, I require you to stay here and discuss the matter with me—again and again, until we have it clear! It is out of the question for you to leave London!’
Eleanor frowned slightly. ‘You mean—you refuse to let me go?’
‘Exactly. Indeed I would go further.’ Kit smiled. ‘I forbid you to go. In leaving this house you will be going against my express wishes.’
‘In leaving the house!’ Eleanor shot to her feet.
‘Without my permission, yes. I cannot be sure that you will not run off, you see.’ Kit smiled gently. ‘Come come, my dear, it will not be so bad! I am happy to accompany you to balls and breakfasts, and once we have resolved our differences you may come and go as you please…’
‘That is blackmail!’ Eleanor said in a stifled voice. ‘I have to agree with you or become a prisoner in my own home!’
Kit strolled over to the window and looked down into the street. ‘You do not have to agree with me, you have to explain your own position.’ He shot her a look. ‘That is not unreasonable! I know that there is something you are keeping from me and I want to know what it is and how it pertains to our marriage! Is that so surprising?’
Eleanor did not reply. She clenched her fists, then forced herself to calm down and let her breath out on a long sigh.
‘Oh! This is of all things intolerable. Am I then to be allowed visitors in my…prison?’
Kit laughed. ‘There is no need to be so melodramatic! Life carries on much as it has done before, the only difference being that I am waiting for you to explain yourself. The remedy is in your own hands, my dear. Do you wish to talk about it now?’
They looked at each other. Eleanor was the first to drop her gaze.
‘Very well then,’ Kit said expressionlessly. ‘Will you dine with me tonight or do you prefer to take a tray up here, my love?’
Eleanor was silent. She understood that for the rest of the morning and afternoon she would be confined to the house, or even to just her room. She would have no company, she would not be allowed out, she would have time to sit and think…and think. She raised her chin.
‘Here, I thank you, my lord,’ she said. ‘I do not wish for your company.’
Eleanor ate her solitary dinner whilst trying not to think of Kit downstairs eating his alone at the huge polished dining-table. She did not think he had gone out, although she was not sure. Once the meal was taken she tried to read a book for a little but found her attention straying all the time. Eventually she realised that she would have to go down and play the piano. It was the only way to soothe her feelings—or try to soothe them.
This evening a fire was burning in the music-room and the candles stood ready to be lit, as though some one had anticipated that she would need to play. She took a stand of them over to the piano and sat down, her fingers straying over the keys, playing little melancholy tunes until the familiar melodies took her and she played the Bach cantatas one after another, losing herself in the precision and the feeling. This time Kit did not come in to see her and she remained undisturbed. But later, as she was preparing for bed, there was knock at the door and Kit came in. And this time he was in only his breeches and shirt.
‘My lord—’ Eleanor began.
Kit looked at her. There was a glitter in his eyes that made her nervous. She wondered suddenly if he were drunk.
‘It occurs to me that I have been unconscionably patient with you, my love,’ Kit said. He put the candlestick down on the dresser and came to sit on the edge of the bed. His gaze wandered over her thought fully, considering the tumbling dark hair, her pale face and the nervous pulse Eleanor could feel beating in the hollow of her throat.
She drew the bedclothes up to her chin and clutched them there. Kit smiled.
‘As I was saying…’ there was a caressing tone in his voice now that made her shiver ‘…we are married, Eleanor, and the fact that we consummated that marriage before rather than after the wedding is…’ he shrugged ‘…almost immaterial. You do know that an annulment is not easily granted? One of the grounds is impotence and that…’ he smiled ‘…would be ridiculous and I cannot believe that you would expect me to agree to it. I have the rights of a husband and have shown considerable forbearance, not to say restraint, in not exercising them sooner—’
‘We had an agreement!’ Eleanor whispered. ‘You swore you would not force yourself on me…’
Kit nodded. ‘So I did. I did not promise not to seduce you, however. You know as well as I that I could have done so but two nights ago—or before that if I had not been so scrupulous!’
Eleanor closed her eyes briefly. She knew it was true and it was pointless to deny it.
‘That being the case,’ Kit continued, ‘I find myself in something of a quandary. You see, Eleanor…’ he plucked one of her hands from the coverlet and held it in his, stroking the back of it gently with his thumb ‘…I want you very much. I have done so since the moment I first saw you and certainly from the moment I came back. So…’ he paused, looking at her ‘…I certainly do not feel able to agree to an annulment—under the circumstances.’
Eleanor screwed her face up. ‘Kit, please…’
‘No.’ There was a note in Kit’s voice that silenced her. ‘I do not pretend to understand what is going on here, Eleanor, and you do not choose to tell me. Well, I cannot force you to do so, but I can put your resolve to the test. So I shall.’ He leant forward and kissed her very softly. ‘We shall soon see how set on an annulment you truly are…’
Eleanor made a small, piteous noise. ‘Kit, that is not fair—’
‘It is perfectly fair.’ Kit sounded implacable. ‘Since you refuse to speak to me this is the only approach I can take. You have only to have the courage of your convictions—whatever they may be…’
The Notorious Marriage Page 18