Eleanor opened her eyes, momentarily dazzled by the light. Once again, she found herself responding to that hypnotic tone. This would be easy if she kept it light and did not give too much away. Well, perhaps not easy, but it need not be too bad. And it need make no difference to the annulment…
‘Eleanor?’ There was an edge to Kit’s voice now, ruthless, inescapable. She looked him straight in the eye.
‘I was thinking about myself. I was thinking about me and about our child. Our child, Kit! The one I lost while you were away! I—’ At the last moment, she was able to pull back from the brink before the whole terrible tale came tumbling out. She took a steadying breath.
Kit’s mouth was set in a hard line, his face pale. ‘How did it happen?’
Eleanor shrugged. ‘It just…happened. No reason, not a fall, like Beth’s. I hear it is not uncommon in the first few weeks. The doctor told me…’
Kit got up, thrusting his hands into his pockets, pacing across the room with all the restlessness of a caged animal.
‘Were you ever going to tell me about this, Eleanor?’
Eleanor watched him with dull eyes. ‘I thought not, no.’
‘I see.’ She could read nothing from his tone. He came across to her chair and stood close to her. Eleanor shuddered. The words broke from her and try as she would, she could not prevent them:
‘I am sorry, Kit…I am sorry I lost the child…’
‘Nell…’ Now she could read his tone and the gentleness in it made her shake all the more. He went down on one knee beside her chair, his arms going about her softly, rocking her.
‘No, it is I who am so very sorry that I was not with you when you needed me, Nell—’
Eleanor rushed on, heedless, the tears spilling down her face now.
‘I told myself that I did not care, but I did! Oh, it hurt so much I could not bear it! For a while I thought I would run quite mad, and you were not there…I did all those other imprudent things and got myself into such foolish situations and it was all horrible—’
Kit held her closer still, stroking her hair. ‘You did nothing that was foolish, sweetheart…’
‘I was confused—’
‘I understand. You have nothing with which to reproach yourself.’
‘And then you came back and I was so very angry with you!’ Eleanor shuddered, gasping on a sob. ‘I hated you for leaving me, Kit, and then I hated you for coming back! But it was not easy…’ She gave a little hiccup. ‘You made it very difficult for me to dislike you, Kit!’
Kit did not answer. Her face was in the curve of his shoulder, so close that her lips could touch his skin. He smelled distractingly good. Eleanor snuggled closer.
It was several minutes later that Kit said, muffled: ‘Eleanor, much as I would love to stay here all night, I am losing the sensation in my arms! If you will allow me—’
He scooped her up and transferred them both to the armchair by the fire. Eleanor rested her head against his shoulder.
‘Kit, you do understand—’
‘Yes.’ Kit was stroking her hair. ‘I am sure I would be the last person in whom you would wish to confide, mistrusting me as you did! Oh Nell—’ There was a bitter edge to his voice, ‘I will never forgive myself for leaving you so carelessly like that to face such things alone—’
‘I had Beth and Marcus.’ Eleanor said. She smiled a little. ‘They were so good to me, but I made them promise never to tell…’
Kit’s jaw set in a hard line. ‘I understand your brother’s attitude much better now, I confess. Had our situations been reversed I fear I would have put a bullet through him!’
Eleanor smiled again. She rubbed her fingers tentatively along the stubble of his cheek, revelling in the rough touch.
‘Mmm. Well, this is a matter between you and me, not Marcus,’ she murmured. ‘Though I am glad that you have settled your differences now…’
Kit turned his head and kissed her palm, but his eyes were still serious.
‘Eleanor, about the annulment…’ He felt her stiffen and held her still. ‘Please, my love…I must know. Why do you wish us to part?’
Eleanor fiddled with one of the buttons on his coat. In the exquisite relief of letting go of her secrets she had forgotten this one last matter. She was silent.
‘If you are afraid,’ Kit said huskily, ‘then I swear I will not push you to do anything you do not wish. But Eleanor, I have been thinking that I cannot let you go! I will fight it with every breath in my body—’
Eleanor could not bear the anguish in his voice. She shook her head abruptly. ‘No Kit, it was not that, though I confess I was a little frightened…When you made love to me the other night I wanted so much more, but yes, I was afraid…’
She saw him smile then. ‘Nell, I promise I would never rush matters—’
Eleanor shook her head again. ‘It was not that,’ she said again. She sat away from him a little so that she could look at him properly. ‘Sometimes I think that it is that I am afraid of everything,’ she said candidly. ‘I am afraid in case I conceive a child and lose it again, but I am more afraid that I may never have children.’ Her eyes, dark and sad, sought his. ‘The doctor tells me that it is by no means certain that I may have a family,’ she said slowly. ‘And you were so anxious to set up your nursery, Kit.’
There was a silence. Kit pulled her back close to him, his arms tightening about her. He did not speak.
‘Kit—’ Eleanor struggled upright. ‘I am right, am I not? And with an annulment—’
‘There will be no annulment.’ She had never heard so much determination in his tone. ‘It is out of the question.’
‘But—’
‘Eleanor.’ Kit’s voice was low and firm. ‘There is no way of determining whether or not any man and woman will have children before they try, and you have not been told that it is impossible! And even if you had…’ he held her so close that she could barely breathe ‘…there would be no annulment.’
Eleanor’s throat felt thick with tears. She thought her heart would burst. ‘But Kit, you need an heir—’
‘Pray do not argue with me. If you are not to be the mother of my children then I want none.’
‘That is not in the natural order of things,’ Eleanor said uncertainly. ‘A man needs an heir—’
‘And I need a wife. This wife.’ Kit held her away from him. ‘Eleanor, I love you! Surely you cannot think that I would let you go and marry someone else just for the sake of begetting an heir! The thought is monstrous!’
‘I do not know.’ Eleanor’s voice was small. ‘I have struggled with this for so long that I am not sure what I feel any more! And Kit, I am so unhappy and afraid! If we…if I…were to conceive another child only to lose it again…’ Her voice broke. ‘You must see that I thought it simpler for us to part!’
‘I understand why you believed it might be so,’ Kit said, ‘but I fear that I cannot agree, Nell. Whatever happens, we shall deal with it together. Which means that there shall be no separation and no annulment. Are you in agreement?’
A little smile curved Eleanor’s lips. She was almost persuaded. ‘Well…’
Kit shook her gently. ‘Nell, I will lock you up if it is the only way to keep you!’
Eleanor looked at him. Her body, softening against his, gave him the answer. ‘I do not believe that there is any need to be so medieval, my lord!’
Kit drew her close into an embrace that precluded any further discussion. After a moment, Eleanor was obliged to object.
‘Kit, you are crushing me half to death!’
Kit loosened his grip and they looked at each other. ‘I suppose I should let you go now,’ he said reluctantly. ‘It has, as you said, been a very long evening!’
Eleanor slid to her feet and Kit stood up too. She knew that he would let her go alone, if that was her wish. Despite his determination that there should be no annulment, he would not hurry her into a physical intimacy that she did not want and she loved him for it
. She walked slowly over to the door and turned back to look at him. He was watching her, his expression unreadable.
‘Kit,’ she said slowly, ‘I find I do not wish to be alone tonight. Please stay with me.’
Chapter Twelve
‘I suppose I shall just have to seduce him!’ Eleanor said glumly. ‘I have tried everything else! Why, when we went to the masquerade last night I chose to wear my lowest cut dress and all Kit could say was would I like a scarf as the nights were still a little cold!’
‘You could just tell him how you feel,’ Beth said. She was sitting up in bed and eating a plate of toast and honey. ‘It is easier in the long run than all this worrying. A simple statement of intent—that you would like Kit to make love to you—should do the trick!’
Eleanor stared, the colour slowly mounting to her cheeks. ‘Oh Beth, I know that I have made great strides in overcoming my natural modesty, but that is surely a step too far. Of all the brazen things…Why I would have to be drunk! Or taken with the laudanum, perhaps!’
Beth grimaced. ‘Well, there is plenty to spare. We found an entire bottle hidden at the back of one of your mama’s drawers. She had evidently forgotten it was there!’
‘I hope that she will be happy in the dower house at Trevithick,’ Eleanor said slowly. The Dowager was even now packing her belongings for the remove. ‘I realise that it is wise for her to leave town for a little until the talk dies down, but I cannot see that being in the country will help improve her situation! Unless the laudanum travels with her…’
Beth finished the toast and licked her fingers. ‘Perhaps that is the kindest action. To forbid her it now would be cruel and probably dangerous.’ She sighed. ‘It is like an illness, is it not, and a problem not easily solved. Lady Salome is hopeful that Dr Wentworth in Exeter may be able to help her…But do not turn the subject, dearest Eleanor! We were speaking of you—and my cousin…’
Eleanor sighed. On the night that she and Kit had had their final confrontation, they had retired to their separate rooms and had prepared for bed with an odd sort of decorum. Eleanor had pulled the bolt back on the dressing-room door and opened the door shyly to allow Kit to come through. Then they had sat in her bed and had talked and talked. All the anger, all the frustrations, all the fears, had come out in the intimate dark, until she had fallen asleep in Kit’s arms from total exhaustion. It had been an extraordinarily profound experience, far deeper than making love. And in the morning Kit had said gravely that he was happy that all was now resolved but that he felt they now needed a little time before anything else happened between them. Eleanor had been bitterly disappointed and a tiny bit relieved, but she had agreed to what he had suggested. Perhaps Kit himself needed time before they resumed a deeper relationship or perhaps he thought that she did. Worse, she might have made him so afraid of hurting her again that he would not approach her. Whatever the case, they had spent a week in the pleasantest of pastimes, driving together, walking, talking, attending the Season’s balls, and it had been delightful but somehow…unfinished.
‘You have no qualms, then, Nell?’ Beth asked now. ‘When the time comes, I mean…’
Eleanor shook her head. ‘No. I trust Kit to stay with me and I love him with all my heart. If we have children I shall feel truly blessed, but if not…I shall still have Kit.’ She shrugged lightly, ‘To tell the truth I am a little nervous of how we get to that point…if you understand me…’
Beth laughed. ‘I do! Which is why this delay is unsettling you, Nell. The anticipation—’
Eleanor laughed too. ‘Well, it is pleasant, in a rather disturbing way! I shall think about your advice, Beth!’ She stood up. ‘Who knows, I may be able to summon up the will to tell Kit how I feel. Now, you will be wanting your maid sent up if you are to be ready for dinner. Though how you may eat it after that plate of toast—’
‘Oh, I am forever hungry!’ Beth said cheerfully, ‘and most excited at being allowed to get out of bed! Of all the torments—to be confined here whilst everyone else is out enjoying themselves!’
‘We are just happy that you are quite well,’ Eleanor said feelingly, kissing her sister-in-law before she left the bedroom. ‘I shall see you at dinner.’
Eleanor went slowly downstairs, turning over in her mind what Beth had said. She did not consider herself shy, precisely, but to state her wishes to Kit in so blunt a manner did seem somewhat bold. On the other hand if she did not take the initiative she might be fretting herself to flinders for days whilst she waited for Kit to take the hint. It was difficult.
They were taking dinner that evening at Trevithick House and following that with a visit to the theatre. The whole family, with the exception of the Dowager, were to make up the party and it promised to be a better-tempered experience than the previous dinner at Trevithick House. Eleanor had just reached the hall when the outer door opened and Kit came in, talking to Marcus. Eleanor thought that Kit, in buff pantaloons and a cinnamon-coloured coat, looked quite devastatingly handsome that afternoon. She watched him openly as he crossed the hall. After all, no doubt Beth would tell her that if one could not stare in open admiration at one’s husband, one might as well be dead.
Kit saw her, exchanged a quick word with Marcus, and his brother-in-law clapped him on the shoulder before hurrying off upstairs, no doubt to visit Beth. Eleanor tried not to laugh. Such harmony between the Mostyn and Trevithick families was still something of a novelty.
‘Eleanor, how are you?’ Kit had taken her hand now and was pressing a kiss on it like the most ardent of suitors. Eleanor shivered pleasurably, her thoughts returning to their earlier topic.
‘I am well, thank you, my lord.’ She gave him a look from under her lashes. Once upon a time she had been able to flirt rather well and perhaps she had not lost the skill…
‘I have a small present for you,’ Kit continued. ‘To wear to the theatre tonight, perhaps?’
He produced a small posy of violets, velvet soft and sweet-scented, and handed them to Eleanor. She buried her nose in them.
‘Oh, how lovely! Thank you, my lord.’ Eleanor stroked the petals with a gentle finger. They were soft and smooth, and the faint perfume filled her senses, making her feel curiously aware…It was like the sun on your skin, or Kit’s touch…She blinked.
Kit was speaking. Eleanor raised her gaze to his. ‘I beg your pardon, Kit, I was not attending. What did you say?’
‘I was asking whether you would care to travel to Mostyn with me in a few weeks,’ Kit repeated, brows raised. ‘The Season is almost at an end and your brother and Beth are removing to Trevithick…Are you quite well, Eleanor? You seem a little distracted today.’
‘Oh!’ Eleanor blushed a little. His eyes were such a deep blue, warm with laughter…‘Yes, well, Beth and I have been talking too…about returning to Devon, I mean, and I am sure it would be very pleasant…’
‘Good.’ Kit frowned slightly. ‘You look a little flushed, my love. Are you sure you feel well enough to go out tonight?’
‘Oh yes!’ Eleanor gave him a melting smile. ‘I am quite well, Kit!’ She took a deep breath. ‘I am very sorry if I appear a little distrait—it is simply that I was thinking of seducing you!’
Kit had half-turned away, for the front door had just opened to admit Justin and Charlotte. Eleanor saw the precise moment that her words impinged on him. He turned his head sharply and looked at her, his eyes narrowed in puzzlement as though he thought he had misheard. She gave him another, brilliant smile. There was a flash of heat in Kit’s gaze as it rested on her, he looked as though he were about to speak, then bit off what he was going to say as Charlotte and Justin came up to greet them. Eleanor, reaching up to kiss Justin, saw out of the corner of her eye that Kit was still watching her. She took Charlotte’s arm and moved away to the drawing-room, well satisfied.
There was no chance of private conversation after that. They were joined by Marcus and Beth and finally by Lady Salome, and went into dinner informally, chattering amongst the
mselves.
Eleanor was delighted to see that Kit was quite preoccupied during dinner. Twice he stopped eating altogether and a third time he almost knocked over his wine. Lady Salome, who was sitting on his left, had the greatest trouble in sustaining a conversation with him. Every so often his gaze would rest on Eleanor and she would give him the demurest of smiles before applying herself to her food once again. She knew what was distracting him; he knew that she knew. It was definitely working…Eleanor gave a little shiver of nervous anticipation.
When they were all in the hall gathering their cloaks prior to going to the theatre, Kit caught her arm in an urgent grip and drew her to one side.
‘Eleanor, did you have to initiate that topic of conversation at the precise moment when you knew we would not be able to discuss it?’
‘Which topic was that, my lord?’ Eleanor queried, her tone light. She could not quite meet his eyes.
Kit gave her arm a little shake. ‘You know full well! Devil take it, I have thought of little else since we last spoke!’
‘Oh,’ Eleanor gave him a little smile, ‘I do believe that is the problem, Kit! Sometimes you think far too much when you should simply…act!’
She whisked her arm out of his grip, smilingly accepted her cloak from the footman’s hands and hurried out to the carriage, wondering how she had the audacity to tease her husband like this. But she had started and so she was determined to finish.
The play was She Stoops to Conquer by Goldsmith and had always been one of Eleanor’s favourites, but tonight it seemed to drag. She was very aware of Kit sitting behind her in the box and although she could not turn around to look at him, she was sure that his attention was on her and not the play. When they reached the interval, Kit offered her his arm.
‘Would you care for a stroll, my love?’
The press of people was great, for plenty were taking the opportunity to stretch their legs. Neither Kit nor Eleanor spoke at first, but she was very aware of him beside her and of the brush of his body against hers. After they had walked the length of the corridor, Kit said:
The Notorious Marriage Page 21