“I know that. But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel responsible. All these years. All the wasted time that I could have had a relationship with my brother and I didn’t.”
“He was really sick for a long time. So were you.”
“But maybe if I hadn’t been. Maybe if I had chosen a different path then I could have gotten him clean sooner. Hell, maybe I could have kept him clean.”
“We all make choices we wish we could change.”
“Trust me, I know.”
When he steps up next to me and looks down at the things laid out on the counter, my skin tingles at his nearness. Even after all this time, his effect on me hasn’t lessened.
“Is there anything I can do?” I turn toward him, his six-foot frame towering over me.
He looks down at me, his gaze soft. “You’ve already done too much.”
“I feel like I haven’t done anything.”
“You’ve done everything.” He reaches out, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. A shiver runs through my body at the contact.
It’s so easy to get lost in Jace. In his beautiful face. In his crisp blue eyes. In the way every part of my body comes to life when he’s close. But I have to remind myself that he’s not the Jace I know. Sometimes I wonder if he ever was.
Feeling overwhelmed, I take a step back, fumbling through my next words.
“I’m going to run to the store in a bit. I’ll get some food and stuff for you. Is there anything specific you want?”
“No, I’m good.” He takes a deep breath in through his nose. “Do you have a phone charger by chance? I need to call Devin, let him know what happened.”
“What kind of phone do you have?”
He shifts his weight from one foot to the other as he pulls the device out of the front pocket of his jeans.
I look at the charging port, realizing that my iPhone charger won’t work for his phone.
“I don’t have a charger for that kind of phone. But if you need to make a few phone calls, you can use mine.”
“That’s okay.” He shakes his head.
“I’m sure I can find a charger at the store. They aren’t that expensive.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“You keep saying that. When are you going to realize that I want to? I want to help you.”
“You shouldn’t. Hell, after everything I put you through, the last thing you should want to do is help me.” He turns, pressing his back to the counter.
Not sure how to respond, I turn and head toward the door. I feel bad. I should stay with him, but right now I can’t. Having him here, it’s way too confusing.
You would think that four years of distance would have given me a chance to get over whatever hold Jace has over me but it hasn’t. If anything, it feels stronger than ever. And that terrifies me. Because I know what he’s capable of. I know that he has the power to absolutely annihilate me. And truth be told, I don’t think I would make it through a second time.
So for now, it’s best that I keep my distance. At least as much as I can. While I may not have the heart to turn him away when I know he needs me, that doesn’t mean that I’m prepared to forgive, forget, and move on like nothing ever happened. I’ve spent four years laying bricks. I’ll be damned if I let him knock the whole wall down with nothing more than a look.
“I’ll be back later,” I tell him, my back to him as I tug open the door and quickly exit the apartment.
As soon as I’m outside, I feel like I can breathe again. I take a deep inhale of the late afternoon air and then let it out slowly.
Deep down I know I made a mistake bringing him here. I knew it the moment I offered to let him come home with me. It was careless and stupid and I should have known better. But I’ve spent half my life trying to save Jace Matthews. I guess it’s true what they say, old habits really do die hard.
“Mama, I want those.” Ellie points from the cart and I follow her line of sight.
“Which ones?” I ask, crossing toward the Teddy Grahams she’s pointing to.
“The brown ones.” She grins, clapping when I grab the chocolate ones and toss them into the shopping cart.
Normally I do my grocery shopping before I pick Ellie up from the sitter, but today I needed to be near her. Even if having her with me doubles my grocery bill, it’s worth it. She is the only thing on this earth that makes me feel balanced.
Rounding to the front of the cart, I lean on the handle, smiling when my daughter tilts forward and grabs my cheeks.
“Mama,” she says, her voice completely serious. “I want muffins.” She turns her brows down, looking at me like this is a matter of life and death.
“Muffins?” I dramatically ponder this request. “I don’t know.”
“Mama.” She squeezes my face harder, forcing my cheeks forward. “Muffins.” She lowers her voice to a growl. It’s this weird thing she does when she wants to be taken seriously.
“How about you let go of my face and then we can discuss it.”
She immediately releases me, smiling from ear to ear like she knows she’s already won.
My goodness, this child is going to be the death of me. I laugh to myself, digging my phone out of my purse when it starts ringing.
My mood flattens when I see Lance’s name on the screen. Not because I don’t want to talk to him… Or maybe that’s exactly the reason. Either way, I slide my finger across the screen and answer.
“Hey.” I straighten my posture, pushing the shopping cart with my free hand as I head in the direction of the bakery for Ellie’s demanded muffins.
“Hey. What are you doing?”
“I’m at the grocery store with Ellie.”
“How’s that going?” he asks, knowing that I normally don’t bring her.
“Well, we’ve already got two different kinds of Pop Tarts, juice boxes, animal crackers, chocolate Teddy Grahams, and now we’re on our way to pick out muffins.”
“Sounds like she’s the one doing the shopping.” He chuckles.
“Pretty much. But what she doesn’t realize is that I’m going to be sneaking some oranges and apples in the cart after this.”
“Gotta balance out the junk.”
“Yep,” I agree.
“Well, I won’t keep you. I just feel like we’ve barely talked over the last few days. I was hoping maybe I could come by tonight.”
I want to say no. I should say no, given that Jace is currently staying on my property. But for some reason I don’t have the heart to do so. Lance is right, it’s been days since we’ve seen each other. And I need to hold on to a semblance of normalcy, not just for me, but Ellie as well.
It feels wrong, living my life as normal, given Tommy’s passing and the whole Jace situation. Though I’d hardly say any of this is really normal. I have to remind myself that this is not my life anymore. I can care. I can mourn. But I have to find separation somewhere. I have to.
“Wance!” Ellie bounces in her booster seat at the table when she sees Lance enter the room.
The two haven’t been around each other long, but Ellie is one of those kids that loves everyone. She gets excited when anyone comes over. Not to take anything away from Lance, but it’s true.
“Hey, kiddo.” He smiles at her. “What are you eating?”
“Cheese.” She smiles, holding up a wedge of her grilled cheese sandwich.
“Mmm, that looks good. Can I have a bite?” He crosses the eat-in style kitchen, leaning down when he reaches her. He opens his mouth wide.
“No.” She curls her nose. “My cheese.”
“You won’t share?” He pouts out his bottom lip playfully.
“No.” She shakes her head, stuffing half the wedge in her mouth in one big bite.
“Don’t stuff.” I get onto her.
She smiles around her mouthful of food.
Such a rotten girl.
“How was work?” I ask Lance when he straightens and turns toward me.
“It was good. Wor
k.” He shrugs, leaning his hip against the island where I’m standing, sorting through mail. “Feels like it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. How are you?”
“I’m fine. Just been busy.” I force a smile.
After I got back from the store, I sent Ellie into her room to play while I took the food I bought Jace to the garage apartment. I also left a phone charger on the kitchen counter for him. He was sleeping when I went inside, and I decided it best not to bother him. Of course, that didn’t stop me from watching him for much longer than I probably should have.
I couldn’t help myself. He looked so peaceful. He always looked peaceful in his sleep. I remember when we were younger I would watch him sleep for hours. Studying the lines of his face. Watching the way his lips parted every now and then as he pulled in a breath. I’ve always been mesmerized by his beauty. I guess it’s safe to say that hasn’t changed.
“Mama, I’m done.” Ellie pulls my attention to where she’s sitting with her hands up in the air, waiting for me to lift her out of the seat. She still hasn’t mastered getting up and down out of the chair yet.
“Okay, baby.” I nod, heading toward her. I lift her out of her chair and set her to her feet. “Do you need to go potty?” I ask. While she’s been potty trained for about six months, I always ask before sending her off to play. Every now and again she’ll be so into what she’s doing that she’ll hold it too long and end up having an accident.
“Nope.” She pops her little lips. “Can I go play now?”
“Yes, you can go play. But keep your door open, okay?”
“Okay,” she agrees, running off toward her room.
I wait until she disappears down the hall before turning back to Lance.
“Could she be any cuter?” he asks.
“Could she be any more rotten?” I counter.
His shoulders shake as a silent laugh rolls through him.
“So,” he waits until I reclaim my spot at the island before continuing, “what’s been going on?”
“Nothing really.” I shrug, picking up an envelope off the island before ripping it open. “Just the same old same old.” I pull the paper out of the envelope, realize it’s junk, and toss it into the trash can next to me.
“So there’s nothing going on?” He arches a brow at me.
“No, why?” A nervous knot forms in the pit of my stomach.
“Wow.” He shakes his head slowly from side to side.
“Wow, what?” I don’t try to hide my confusion.
“You know, I assumed you had your reasons for not telling me. But to stand here and outright lie to me.”
“What are you talking about?” My throat goes dry.
I run through a million things in my head that he could be referring to. Jace staying in the apartment is obviously at the top of that list, but I don’t see how he would know this information so I don’t offer it.
“What I’m talking about, Oakley, is the fact that you have your ex-boyfriend staying in your garage.”
I feel all the color drain from my face. Busted.
“How… How did you know?” I stutter.
“Keira,” we both answer in unison.
I knew she was concerned this morning when she dropped Ellie off, but to turn around and tell Lance? That’s crossing a line I didn’t think she would cross. I know her and Lance are friends, but she’s my family, my best friend. I should have taken priority in this situation. Jace has been here all of a day. Even if I wanted to tell Lance, she didn’t give me the chance to.
“She thought I deserved to know what was going on. And she’s worried about you. And frankly, so am I. How could you do that? How could you bring him here? How could you risk your safety and Ellie’s?”
“I’m not risking anyone’s safety. Jace isn’t dangerous,” I argue. “And you don’t understand.”
“Oh, I understand all right. And I get why you felt compelled to help him. Keira told me about his brother. And I feel for the guy, I do. But really, you can’t possibly think this is a good idea. He’s an addict, Oakley. A drug addict.”
“He’s clean. I drug tested him before I brought him here.”
“So he was clean when you brought him here. How long do you think that’s gonna last?”
“Don’t pretend like you know anything about him.”
“Only I do. I know he almost killed you. I know he’s been in and out of rehab a few times and it’s never stuck. And I know he’s not the kind of person you should want around your daughter.”
“He’s not around my daughter.” My temper flares. “Not that it’s any of your business.”
“Not my business?” he balks. “Not my business? Not my business that my girlfriend just moved a drug addict in, and that said drug addict could hurt her and her little girl, both of which I love.”
“He’s a recovering addict,” I correct him, not sure why I feel the need to defend Jace. It’s not like Lance is saying anything I haven’t already said to myself. But I don’t know, something about hearing him say it really makes me mad. He doesn’t know Jace and therefore he doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about.
“And what about Ellie?”
“What about Ellie?”
“He’s her father.”
“And?”
“And, what if he puts it together? What if he sees her and pieces it together? What then?”
“He won’t. He’s only going to be here a couple of days and he’s not allowed to come to the house.”
“Doesn’t mean he won’t. Or that he won’t see her when you leave to take her to Keira’s tonight. Or when you bring her home in the morning. Are you really willing to risk him finding out the truth?”
“It wouldn’t change anything if he did.”
“Wouldn’t change anything?” He draws back. “Oakley, he is her father. Do you really think if he finds out that you’ve been keeping his daughter from him for nearly three and a half years that it won’t change anything? What if he tries to take her from you? What if he fights you for parental rights?”
“He won’t.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I know him. Ellie is better off with me. I know he’ll see it that way too.”
“You knew him, Oakley. As in past tense. It’s been what, four years since you were together. People change. A lot can happen in four years, especially when you live the type of lifestyle he’s accustomed to.” He blows out a frustrated breath. “You have to let go of this idea you have of him and face reality. The guy you loved is long gone.”
“You think I don’t know that?” My voice goes up an octave. “You think I don’t see him for who he is? I do. But I also know him at his core. And while he’s made some very bad choices over the years, I don’t believe he’s past the point of redemption. People get clean every single day. People stay clean for decades.”
“And yet isn’t that why you left him? Why you hid his daughter from him? Because you didn’t believe he was capable of getting sober?”
“At the time I didn’t. But now, I don’t know. Something’s different this time.”
“How do you know? How do you know it’s different? You left him before he ever stepped foot in rehab. How do you know it wasn’t like this every time he got out?”
“I don’t.” My voice echoes off the walls around us. I quickly move to lower it, not wanting to alert Ellie.
“Exactly. You don’t. So why, why are you doing this to yourself? You left that life behind for a reason, remember? Now here you are, years later, opening yourself back up to a cancer that could potentially destroy everything.”
Angry tears well behind my eyes. I’m just not sure who I’m angrier with – Lance or myself. He’s right. Everything he’s saying is completely true. And yet for some reason I can’t shake the feeling that things are different now.
Before I left, before the accident, when I looked at Jace, I barely recognized him. I kept fighting to find him again, to bring him back to me. An
d now, I don’t know how to explain it but when I look at him, I see Jace again. My Jace.
Maybe that’s wishful thinking. Maybe that’s me seeing what I want to see. I can’t explain it or make sense of it. It’s just this gut feeling.
But a part of me still worries that I’m wrong and that bringing Jace here really was a huge mistake.
“I don’t know what you want me to say right now. His brother just died. What was I supposed to do?”
“Not bring him here,” he says like it’s that easy. “The fact that you did really makes me wonder…” He pauses for a long moment. “Are you still in love with him?”
“What? No, of course not.” Even I don’t believe the lie.
No matter how many times I’ve told myself over the years that I was over him, it only took one look to know that I had been kidding myself. The moment I walked into that rehab center and saw him sitting there, I knew I still loved him. But that doesn’t change our past. It doesn’t change where we are now.
“Your words say one thing, but your expression says something else.”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Lance. I did what I thought was right.”
“No, you didn’t. Because what was right was keeping that man as far away from you and Ellie as possible. Yet he’s here. Just a few yards away.” He gestures toward the back of the house. “That tells me there’s a lot more to this than you’re leading on.”
“You’re not happy that he’s here. I get that. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away or discuss it with you first, but at the end of the day this is my choice to make. Not yours.”
“And that right there.” He runs a hand through his hair and takes a step back. “That tells me everything I need to know.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Look, we’re clearly not on the same page. I think I’ve known it for a while, but I kept telling myself it was because of your past. That you were protecting yourself. But that’s not really it, is it?”
“Lance.”
“I love you, Oakley. I mean, I really love you. But I think it’s pretty apparent that you don’t feel the same way. Because if you did, if you cared about me the way I care about you, you wouldn’t have dismissed my feelings on this matter so quickly. When you’re in a relationship, you think about the other person. You care how they feel and you take those feelings into account.”
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