Fuck, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Then again, that’s not entirely true. Because if I had thought it would be easy, it wouldn’t have taken me almost a week to man up and face her head on.
I lift my balled fist, rapping lightly against the door. It’s not long before I hear a commotion inside, the sound of little feet padding across the hardwood floor. My heart lurches, like it’s physically being pulled toward the sound of my daughter drawing near.
Moments later, the door swings open and I’m hit with a toothy grin.
“Daddy!” Ellie squeals.
I have to grip the side of the doorframe to keep myself upright. Did she just call me daddy?
Before I have a chance to even process, a flushed faced Oakley comes into view.
“Ellie, what did I tell you about answering the door?” she scolds, stopping dead in her tracks when she catches sight of me.
“But it’s Daddy.” Ellie claps her little hands, bouncing up on the balls of her feet.
“Yes, I see that.” Oakley swallows hard before dipping down so that she’s eye level with Ellie. “Why don’t you go finish cleaning up your toys and let me talk to your daddy for a minute?” she asks sweetly, keeping her gaze trained on our daughter.
“But… But…” Ellie starts to object.
“No buts. Go.” Oakley is stern but gentle.
Fuck me, she’s such a good mom. I always knew she would be. Lord knows she had a lot of practice with me.
It’s sad to think about it that way, but how can I not? In a lot of ways I was like a child that she had to care for.
“Mama!” Ellie whines, the sound falling from her lips when Oakley narrows her gaze at her. “I don’t want to clean.” Ellie spins around and makes a show of stomping loudly down the hallway.
“I don’t think she’s very happy right now,” I needlessly point out, feeling like I have to say something.
“Yeah, well, I’m used to it at this point.” Oakley straightens. “What are you doing here Jace?” she asks.
“I…well, I was hoping we could talk. Can I come in?” She hesitates for a brief moment before stepping to the side to let me enter. She closes the door behind me and heads toward the kitchen without a word.
There’s chicken frying in one pan and what looks like a vegetable medley simmering in the other. She crosses to the stove and pushes the chicken to the back burner before turning off the heat. When she turns back to face me, I’m not sure who seems more nervous. Her or me.
“Ellie called me daddy.” The words catch in my throat, emotion bubbling in my chest. “You told her I’m her father.”
“I did.” She nods slowly.
“Why?”
“Because she deserves to know. You are her father.”
“I never thought I’d hear her call me daddy. I just… it’s got me a little choked up.”
“You love her.” It’s not a question, she already knows I do.
“More than anything.”
“Which is why I told her. I want you in her life, Jace, even if you’re not in mine.”
Her words slam into me like a thousand-pound weight.
“Oak…” I run a hand through my hair. “I’m so sorry about the other day. I was….”
“No,” she cuts me off, “I’m sorry. I had no right to come at you the way I did.” Her chin quivers as she speaks.
“You had every right, Oak. Every right. After everything I put you through, for me to disappear for an entire night…what did I expect you to think? Hell, I would have thought the same thing.”
“You were trying to do something nice for me, and I repaid you with accusations and assumptions.”
“But they were fair.”
“Then why did it take you nearly a week to come back?” I can see the emotion she’s trying to hold in. Read the hurt that’s written all over her face.
“Because I didn’t think you’d want to see me,” I admit. “The way I acted. How I stormed out. After everything you’ve done for me, you didn’t deserve that. You’ve given me so much. A life. You’ve given me my life back, Oak. I love you. And I can’t do this without you. I don’t want to.”
“You know, I’ve spent the last few days thinking about our past. Thinking about everything we’ve been through. We’ve had some amazing moments. We’ve had some really bad ones too.” I grimace, knowing I’m the one who caused them. “And as much as I want this, Jace, and trust me I do, I’m not sure if it’s what’s best.”
“What do you mean?” Panic seizes my joints, making me stiff as a board.
“So much has happened. There’s so much hurt and distrust. I don’t know how we can get past it. When I look at you, I see the man you’re trying to be, but I also see the man you were. I see the person who lied to me for years. Who kept secrets from me. Who betrayed me in every sense of the word. You deserve to be with someone who looks at you and only sees who you are now. Not someone who judges you based on your past. How can you ever truly be happy if that distrust is always hanging over you? And I’m afraid with me, it always will be.”
“But I want it to be.” I move closer toward her. “Don’t you see that? I need someone who sees me for me. Not just the good parts now, but all the bad and ugly parts too. I need someone who knows me inside and out. Someone who will challenge me and push me and not let a single thing slip through the cracks. I need you, Oakley. I always have.”
“You say that now but what happens when something like this happens again?”
“It won’t.”
“It will. I don’t want you feeling like you have to answer for yourself every time you’re running a few minutes late or if you need to go do something. Your life shouldn’t feel like a prison.”
“I don’t feel like I’m living in a prison, Oakley. The opposite actually. With you I feel free. Free for the first time in such a long fucking time. I finally see the life I always wanted. It’s so close. All I have to do is reach out and take it. I want that life, Oakley. And I want it with you and with our daughter.”
“I’m scared.” The vulnerability in her expression damn near brings me to my knees.
“Oh, baby.” I close the remaining distance between us, pulling her into my arms. “I’m scared too,” I whisper into her hair, my entire body coming to life when her arms wrap around my middle. “But a life without you is so much scarier. You’re all I want. All I’ve ever wanted.” I pull back just enough so that I can look down at her beautiful face. “We’re going to hit bumps along the way. I can’t promise you perfection. But what I can promise you is complete and total honesty. I swear to you, right here and now, that I will never lie to you again. I will never hide anything from you. And if I feel weak, I’ll find comfort in you. In meetings. In following the program. I want you to have the best of me, Oakley. Because that’s what you deserve. The very best. I know I’m not the safe choice, but I am the right one. Deep down I think you know that too.” My hands slide up to cup her face. “I love you, Oakley Pierson. I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you, and I will love you until my last breath. No matter what you decide, nothing will change that.”
“I want this so badly.” A tear slides from the corner of her eye. “It’s all I’ve wanted. But…”
“But nothing. You love me too. We both know you do. Take this ride with me, babe. Please. Give me the life we spent all those years dreaming about. Get out of that pretty little head of yours and listen to your heart. What does it say?”
“That I love you.” She gives me a watery smile as another tear breaks free.
“It’s you and me against the world, Oak.” I remind her of what she used to always say to me when we were younger.
“You and me.” She nods, pressing up on the balls of her feet to kiss me.
I relish in the feeling. Fuck. Her kiss literally breathes air back into my lungs. This. This is what I was born to do. To love Oakley. To kiss her. To be the man I promised her a very long time ago that I would be.
She deserves so much more than I’ll ever be able to give her, but fuck me if I won’t do everything in my power to be everything she needs and so much fucking more.
As much as I want to stay right here in this moment, it’s short-lived as the pitter patter of Ellie’s little feet come running into the kitchen. I release my hold on Oakley and step back, swooping Ellie up into my arms before tugging Oakley back to me. With one arm around my daughter and the other around my girl, all I want to do is hold onto this moment forever and never let it go.
It’s all I want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. And no matter what life throws our way, I will fight for this until my dying breath. My family. They are all that matters. This is all that matters. And I will never lose sight of what matters ever again…
Epilogue
Oakley
Two years later…
* * *
“Daddy’s home!” Ellie jumps up from the couch, abandoning her tablet to greet Jace at the door the way she always does. “Daddy!” She jumps on his leg as soon as he walks into the door.
“There’s my best girl.” He smiles down at her, rustling her hair. “Did you have a good day at school?”
“The best.” She giggles as he starts to walk with her sitting on his foot, her body wrapped around his leg.
“Oh yeah, what did you do?”
“We got to paint with food!” she announces excitedly.
“With food?” I watch Jace crinkle his nose, having a perfect view of the two of them from where I’m standing in the kitchen.
“Uh huh. We got to blend it up in a blender and paint with it.”
“That sounds, um, interesting.” He glances up at me, a questioning look on his face.
“Apparently, it’s this new thing they’re doing.” I shrug, smiling at my gorgeous husband as he makes his way into the kitchen, our daughter still attached to his leg.
So much has happened over the last two years. So many big moments, yet it’s the small ones that are my favorite. The little things that make up our everyday lives. Though the day we got married definitely sits at the top of that list. My favorite big moment.
We didn’t do it the conventional way. Then again, when have Jace and I ever really been conventional? We got married in my mother’s backyard, under the treehouse. Our treehouse. With Keira on one side and Mike on the other, we said our vows with our sweet precious girl squished between us.
Of course, my mom wasn’t very happy to learn we’d tied the knot in her backyard when she wasn’t home and didn’t extend an invite to her. But it wasn’t about her. It wasn’t about anyone but us. And we did it exactly how we wanted to. And it was perfect.
“Some of the things they come up with these days.” He chuckles, dropping his keys on the island before bending down and picking Ellie up into his arms.
“We got to eat the leftovers too!” She grins, revealing the gap where her two front teeth used to be.
It’s crazy how quickly she’s growing. It’s like I blinked twice and my baby was in kindergarten.
“How fun.” He nuzzles his short-kept beard against her cheek, causing her to giggle.
“Daddy, you’re making me all itchy.” She wiggles until he reluctantly sets her on her feet.
“Ellie, why don’t you go play until dinner is ready,” I tell her, pointing toward the couch. “And don’t forget to get your tablet.”
“Okay.” She skips into the living room, grabbing her tablet before disappearing down the hallway.
“And how was your day?” Jace asks, crossing around the island to pull me into his arms.
“It was good.” I lean in for a quick kiss. “How about you?”
“It was work.” He shrugs.
About a year ago, Jace completed his certification and became a licensed mechanic. Six months later, Devin made him lead mechanic at the shop. He has rough days just like the rest of us, but all and all he really seems to love what he does and the people he works with. And in a way I think it makes him feel connected to Tommy, since he was the one who got him the job there in the first place.
I finally got moved to dayshift a few months ago, so now I get to spend every evening at home with my family. It’s been a transition, but a nice change. Especially with Ellie starting school.
“What’s all this?” Jace gestures around the kitchen where I have the start of a salad sitting on the island. Rising dough in a bowl on the counter, and the most delicious butter garlic sauce simmering on the stove.
While I typically cook most nights, I don’t usually go quite so lavish.
“Dinner.” I smile.
“Yeah, but what’s the occasion?”
“You don’t remember?” I give him a doubtful look.
“Remember what? Shit, is it our anniversary?” He looks mildly panicked.
“Jace!” I playfully smack his chest. “Two and a half years sober today.”
“Shit, is that today?”
“How could you forget?”
“I remember the years, not the months in between. I knew it was coming up, but I didn’t know today was the specific date.”
“Yep. Two and a half years ago today you made a choice that led us to where we are now.” I step back into him, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck. “I’m so proud of you.” I lean in for another kiss.
“Babe, you really didn’t have to do all of this.” He rubs his nose against mine.
“You think this is good. Wait until you see the cake!”
“There’s cake?” He laughs.
“Um, duh.” I giggle, wiggling out of his hold to stir the sauce on the stove. “Actually, why don’t you grab it out of the fridge while I’m thinking about it?”
I’m a ball of nerves as I watch him out of the corner of my eye. He opens the door, grabs the cake, and without even looking at it, sets it on the counter.
“Aren’t you going to look at it?” I ask, setting my stirring utensil next to the stove before turning to face him.
“Can’t I look at it when I eat it?” he questions.
“No, I need you to look at it now,” I tell him, my excitement causing me to rise up and down on the balls of my feet.
“O-k-a-y.” He seems mildly confused as he lifts the lid off the cake pan and looks down.
It seems to take him a minute to process the words written across the top, but his expression changes the moment he does. A smile stretches across his face and his eyes come up to mine.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.” I let out a tiny squeal when he grabs me and spins me off my feet.
“I can’t believe it.” He lowers me down, cupping my face in his hands.
“Well believe it, Daddy. Baby number two is officially in the oven.”
He draws back, looking down at my belly.
Shortly after we got married, I had my IUD removed. With Ellie already almost five at the time, we didn’t want to wait long to have more children. We started trying a few weeks later, but after six months we had started to think maybe it wasn’t going to happen for us after all.
But then this morning, I took a test like I do every month right around the time of my period, and low and behold, that little plus sign I have been praying for finally appeared. Of course, I promptly ran out and bought three more tests just to be sure. And sure enough, all three were positive.
“We’re having another baby.” His smile is so radiant it steals my breath. And then he does something completely unexpected. He leans down, presses a kiss to my stomach, and whispers something that I can’t hear.
“What are you saying down there?” I look down at him like he’s lost his mind.
“Nothing.” He straightens, his smile still firmly intact.
After missing out on the first three and a half years of Ellie’s life, I know how much it will mean to him to be a part of this. To see his child grow inside of me. To feel him or her kick. To watch them be born. To hold them for the first time. To witness their first steps and their first words.
It’s all the things I got to experience with our daughter that he missed.
“So, we’re happy?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.
“So happy I feel like I could burst.” He kisses me again, not pulling away until we hear the grumblings of our daughter as she enters the room to see mommy and daddy kissing.
“Gross.” She sticks out her tongue like she’s trying not to puke.
“Gross?” Jace fakes offense. “Don’t say such mean things about your mom.” He winks at me, before leaning down and tossing Ellie over his shoulder.
She looks down at the cake from her upside-down angle, her little face scrunching in confusion.
“Happy two and a half years,” she starts to read aloud. “And it’s a boy or a girl…guess we’ll see.” Her gaze pops up to me. “What does that even mean?” She seems so confused that I can’t help but laugh.
“It means, little munchkin,” Jace says, lowering Ellie to her feet before crouching down in front of her. “That you are going to be a big sister.”
“I’m going to be a big sister?” Her eyes go wide and she looks up at me to make sure her daddy isn’t messing with her. I nod once and I swear the noise that leaves her mouth should’ve come with its own warning label. “I’m going to be a big sister!” she screams in excitement. Taking off in a full sprint around the kitchen table, she chants, “I’m going to be a big sister. I’m going to be a big sister.” After a few laps, she comes to a screeching halt and her eyes swing back up to me. “Wait. Is it a boy or a girl?”
“Does it matter?” I put my hand over my mouth to stifle my laugh. I can’t help it. The way she’s looking at me it’s like her question is a matter of life or death.
“Yes!”
“Well, we don’t know yet. We won’t know for a few months.”
“It better be a boy.”
“Why, you don’t want a little sister?” Jace asks.
“No, because that means I’ll have to share my toys and when she gets older she’ll steal all my clothes.”
“Where did you hear that?” I ask.
“Hailey at school has a little sister and she says she’s the worst.”
Poison & Wine Page 22