He might as well be touching me between my legs for the corresponding sensations of pleasure building there. I can feel desire pulsing, hungry for him.
I’m amazed to discover this side of myself – a sensuality I didn’t know I possessed. A sense that I am soft and yielding, laying myself open to Leo’s raw and potent sexuality. Thinking and talking be damned. Right now I don’t care about consequences or motivations.
Right now I want to be dominated by Leo in the most basic way possible. I want him to possess me and make me his. This … thing between us is an experience I thought I’d never have. I settled for Pete thinking that these kinds of feelings were the creation of books and films.
Or if they weren’t then maybe I just wasn’t that into sex.
Boy, was I ever wrong.
Fantastic as this is it is also terrifying. I had no idea how vulnerable it would leave me feeling. The sensations maybe overwhelming in a wonderful way but they also leave me feeling utterly naked, body and soul.
I am completely at Leo’s mercy. I might try to kid myself that isn’t the case, but it is. If I wanted further proof then I’ve got it. Pete didn’t break my heart because he never had it in the first place to break.
But Leo … At some primitive subconscious level I have decided to trust him. The decision bypassed my brain and my conscious thought certainly didn’t get to say or a vote in the matter.
Leo’s kisses feel like a promise, a statement of intent. Either that or he’s messing with me and I’ve completely lost my sanity.
I pull back and try to remember who I am again. Then I remember that I have the dogs with me. God, how could they have slipped my mind? I usually watch them constantly. Frantically I search the shoreline and by the time I’ve counted three little heads I am satisfied they are all safe and that my shameless kissing hasn’t endangered any of them.
“They’re fine, and so is Maxi. Shall we get going then? I’ve got a few admissions this morning for surgery.” Leo stands up casually, as if we haven’t just been engaged in one of the most passionate kisses I’ve ever experienced.
I always used to see kissing as a precursor to the main event. But with Leo I think I could kiss him all day and never get tired of it.
I can’t help worrying maybe it wasn’t such a big deal for him as for me. Assailed by doubt I get to my feet and put a lead on to Pickwick who looks like he’s set to stay for the duration or until he uproots the tree.
As we walk back I try to ignore the doubts nagging at me like a wasp buzzing at the back of my mind. As the quiet of dawn stirs into the beginnings of daily life it feels like the breaking of a spell. The certainties I felt while we were kissing dissolve and I can’t help thinking about the what ifs. What if Leo is manipulating me with practiced ease? What if I am the only one feeling something here?
I can’t glean anything from Leo’s expression because it is as inscrutable as always. As the day wakes up around us I could almost imagine that what passed between us last night and this morning was just a dream.
A highly erotic but a lovely dream nonetheless.
How could I have ever thought kissing Leo would make things better or clarify anything? Instead I’m still antsy. Antsier than ever.
Like a whole nest full of ants have made my body their home and are throwing one hell of a party.
I am not really paying attention to what we’re talking about. The rhythm of my feet on the path seem to be repeating the question – do you like me? Do you like me? Do you like me? It seems a bit crazy to be thinking like this considering what we have just been doing. This could mean nothing to him, yet I’m not brave enough to meet Leo head on this morning. Not like when I challenged him the day we went to Montsegur.
Are you playing me? The cynical question pounds at my temples like the beginnings of a stress headache.
I am so distracted I don’t even notice Peanut diving into a hedge. Thankfully Leo is paying more attention and he deftly scoops her out, handing her back to me.
“Thanks.” I clip the Chihuahuas back onto their leads.
The world is slowly, subtly coming to life around us with the chirping of the bird life, the odd rustle in a hedgerow or the distant sound of a car engine.
“What’s up?” Leo asks, frowning.
“Nothing.” I shrug, mentally giving myself points for using both “okay” and “nothing” in one conversation. For some reason I feel like needling Leo.
His frown lines deepen. “Really?”
I am well aware that “nothing” is not an answer and is in fact an extremely irritating, response but I can’t help myself.
The silence between us becomes awkward.
“I was just thinking,” I say, A mediocre attempt at being conciliatory.
“What about?” Leo asks with surprising patience.
Do you like me? Do you want me? Will I come to mean anything to you? The words dance through my mind but never make it to my lips.
Kissing has made the sexual tension between us feel a thousand times worse. Maybe I should just ask him to fuck me already and get it over and done with.
Hmm. On reflection that doesn’t sound particularly flattering. Maybe not.
“Oh, this and that.” I shrug. My back is hurting more on the way home after I mis-stepped on a loose stone in the path.
“Have you got a swimming costume with you?” Leo’s non sequitur takes me by surprise.
I frown, glancing back at the lake. “Yes, but I’m not sure it’s warm enough to swim yet.”
“Not in the lake don’t worry. Can you be ready at 6 o’clock this evening?”
I nod, still dubious. “I suppose.”
“Good.” Leo quickens his pace and strolls off, his pace outstripping mine. “I’ll see you later then, I need to get going.”
Okay then.
I shake my head, confused, irritated and a little upset that there was no kiss goodbye. This is all so angst-making and basically unsatisfactory.
Dating is so much easier if you’re not actually in love, or in lust, or any combination of the two … If you don’t care then you can’t get hurt.
But neither do you get kissed in a way that leaves you breathless and trembling.
“Oh fuckity fuck.” I pinch the top of my nose where my brows meet, trying to fight off a stress headache.
Yoga, breakfast and work is what I need to focus on today, not incomprehensible vets with hidden agendas.
Even if they do kiss like I always dreamed kissing would be.
Even then.
Chapter Ten
‘I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed.’
Sarah Dessen
From Leo@cabinetvétérinaire-saint-quentinsur-aude
To SarahSheldon@cliniqueamivet
Subject: I fucked up – Part 2
Merde.
I think you might have been right after all – I do … like her. You know, possibly even Like her with a capital ‘L’. How did you work that out before I did?
Witch!!!
Don’t you dare laugh. In answer to your question, I suppose you can come down with Brad for a weekend to ‘inspect her’ soon, as you put it in your last email, but not yet. Give us a while. I don’t know how Poppy feels yet and to be honest I’m still working out how I feel.
There’s so much going on at the moment I don’t know if I’ve got anything left in me to give to a relationship. Also, I really don’t want to be ‘the rebound guy’ as you Americans put it. I’ve no idea if she’s still got a thing for that ex of hers. She must have been really into him if they were coming here to live together.
Leo
“So, what happened last night?” Joanna is peering at me suspiciously over her cereal bowl.
I managed to sneak back earlier as though I’d just been on an early morning walk with the little ones. No need to mention who else we went with, or what we might have got up to.
Joanna and I
are having breakfast outside on the terrace. The morning sun is now high enough in the sky to bathe the front of Les Coquelicots with glorious sunshine. It’s that perfect temperature – just enough heat to make my skin glow and to warm my bones through yet not so much I need to grab the sunscreen. There’s a light breeze that caresses the trees, sending ripples of silver and green through the boughs, a contrast against the vivid blue of the cloudless sky. I suppose I ought to find out what sort of trees they are. I’ve been calling them my Monet trees because they look like the trees in some of my favourites of his paintings. I’ve never been too interested in the assigned categorisation or labels of things – I see in pictures, not words. In light and colour that dances in front of us like magic, ignored by all the people who go through life with their eyes half closed or focused inwards.
I feel the urge to paint the landscape twitching in my fingers, calling to me and waiting…
“Earth to Poppy.” Joanna laughs and breaks into my daydream.
“Sorry, late night.” I take a sip of orange juice and turn to her. “What were you asking again?”
“What you got up to last night? You know exactly what I’m talking about young lady.” Joanna raises an eyebrow in pretend mock reproach, the animation in her face transforms her. She’s really incredibly pretty, a light tan means she doesn’t need make-up. Today her long, honey-blonde hair is pulled up into a messy bun. Her stunning good looks are becoming obvious, especially now she’s smiling more, has shed her baggy layers to wear more revealing clothes and has lost the stress creases around her eyes. If she didn’t spend most of her time hiding here with me I think the men of St Quentin would be swarming around her.
I know she’s not ready to come out of hiding yet though. It reminds me of how it was with Treacle in the beginning when he still hid beneath the furniture but gradually made occasional forays to join in playing with the others. With each trip that didn’t end in disaster he grew in courage.
“What did I get up to last night? You mean other than getting lost less than a mile from my own home and having an emotional breakdown?” I roll my eyes. “Not to mention roaming the countryside in my PJs like a demented person?”
“Uh huh, apart from that.” Her lips twitch. “Someone had very red cheeks when they came in and I’m not talking about Treacle. It’s odd really, given it was a cold night.”
“Hmm,” is all I say but I can’t suppress a smile when I think about the very interesting way Leo made my body feel last night. When Joanna called out it felt just like being caught out by my parents, kissing a boyfriend after a date.
Boyfriend. Now there’s a label I’d rather not think about. I’ve never done, well, what we did last night with anyone I wasn’t absolutely sure was my boyfriend first. I suppose I’m a bit old-fashioned like that. Though not so old fashioned – I might have been easily persuaded to tear up all my rules if Joanna hadn’t interrupted us.
“Would it have anything to do with a certain smoking hot vet who lives next door and walked you home?” Joanna wiggles both her eyebrows comically.
I stick out my tongue at her and we both laugh.
“Fine,” Joanna smirks. “I’ll have to interrogate Treacle, get him to give me all the goss. After all he was your chaperone.”
I don’t tell her about the lake walk earlier, I’m not sure why. Maybe because it felt like part of pre-dawn magic, not quite real. Mostly because she’ll want to pump me for information and how I feel and all that. Frankly I’m a little too shell shocked to put what I’m feeling into words. Instead I immerse myself in decorating lists and to-do lists and all the other lists that control my world and give me a semblance of control.
I wouldn’t know where to start with a Leo list.
I am still feeling antsy and grumpy when Leo picks me up. I didn’t get time to sit in the sun today, what with one thing and another.
“I thought we’d go the scenic route given its still light.”
“Oh?” As I’ve no idea where we’re actually going that doesn’t mean much to me. I shrug. “Scenic is good.”
“So. What did you do today?” Leo is disgustingly cheery which makes me instantly distrust him. He clearly hasn’t been going through any internal angst at all.
It could be that he’s really not that into me or that he is totally confident of my feelings for him. Either way it makes him a cocky bastard.
I did say I was grumpy. Being out of control of a situation does that to me and I’ve had all day to worry about it. Not to mention all day thinking about how much I want to kiss Leo again.
Okay, more than kiss him.
“I went to IKEA with Joanna,” I reply with a sigh and pull a face because being in IKEA reminded me of being back in London, and not in a good way. Although at least given Joanna and I aren’t a couple we were spared the obligatory argument in the aisles.
The thing is I’ve quickly got used to the slow pace of life in St Quentin with its weekly market and relaxed cups of coffee sitting outside Jacob and Anya’s café. I now know most of the villagers at least to nod to and it’s been nice, feeling part of a community. Being thrust into the crowds of shoppers in Toulouse and herded around IKEA like sheep reminded me of London commutes and being invisible in my own micro-universe.
I don’t want to go back to a life where saying hello to a stranger might make them clutch onto their bag for dear life and think about calling the police. It took me a little time to adjust from being that person to being the kind who would say hello back and chat. The only thing I want to clutch hold of now is this life I’m building for myself in France.
Does Leo still want to undermine that?
“Why did you go then, if you enjoy the experience that much?” He laughs easily.
“Because I need stuff for the house and I’ve got to be practical and price things up. I think IKEA is my best option because most of my budget for the alterations is going to have to go on the plumbing. Talking of which do you know of a plumber you can recommend?”
“I could find one for you,” Leo replies slowly. “So you’re definitely going ahead with the Chambres D’Hotes?”
“Yup.” I turned to look out of the window as we leave the softer hilly curves of Aude for the jagged Pyrenean peaks of the Ariege. I’d rather look at the glorious scenery than at the inevitable doubt on Leo’s face. I have had enough of people who don’t believe in me in my life. I won’t let anyone discourage me from doing what I want this time.
“I’ll make some calls then,” Leo replies carefully.
I can’t help wondering if the caution is because he doesn’t want me to muck up the house he plans to buy back from me or because he senses that navigating my mood is as dangerous as a minefield right now?
I’m not entirely sure where my belligerence it’s coming from. Some of it stems from the pain of overdoing things today and not getting round to that yoga. But a large portion of the irritation is definitely masking fear of the out of control sensation that accompanies close proximity to Leo.
“Where are we going? Are you going to tell me?” I ask, the question coming out bolshier than I intended it to.
“I am taking you to the thermal baths at Ax-Les-Thermes. It’s a bit of a drive but I think you’ll find it worth it. You might find it helps if you’re, you know, having a bad day.”
Okay, so it seems he’s a nice cocky bastard. Damn. I’m going to have to stop being grumpy now and the irritability really was quite cathartic.
“Thank you,” I say quietly, because whatever Leo’s motives for this trip to the thermal baths are, in fact whatever his motives are full stop, this is exactly what I need today. Sitting in the sun has been helping my pain levels since I moved here but I’ve been doing too much work in the house. Quite what I’m trying to prove and to whom I don’t know but, in short, I’m over doing it.
A quiet sigh escapes my lips and I turn to Leo to make conversation. I really should try to get to know him. My body may be ready to offer itself up to him with u
nqualified abandon but, other than the confidences he offered about his childhood, I know very little about Leo. Maybe if I knew him better I wouldn’t be constantly second guessing his every move.
“So why did you make the move to become a vet when you have the vineyard and the estate in the family?” I turn my attention away from the breathtaking view and look at Leo. Admittedly the change in viewpoint is equally breathtaking but in an altogether different kind of way.
Leo blinks and there’s a shadow of a frown on his lips. I suppose my question did come out of nowhere, like I’ve decided to start interviewing him. Which I have, I suppose. Oh well, he’s seen me sodden with tears, beaten up by a miniature Yorkie who mistook me for a squirrel and with a black eye self-inflicted by iPhone … If he coped with all that he can deal with me being a bit random.
“I suppose you could say that I followed my heart,” Leo says. We’re on an empty, straight part of the road and he turns to glance at me in that intense way he has, of making me feel like this moment is all there is and, for him, this moment is me. “My sister Madeline was always the one who was most interested in the vineyard. As she found herself unable to leave home and needed to be there for Amelie it only seemed natural … with the right management things in theory should look after themselves. I always wanted to be with the animals. It’s where my heart lay. It’s where it lies.”
Leo’s frown deepens as he shrugs, I don’t suppose it was a popular choice. I know what it feels like to be under parental pressure to do something you don’t want to.
At least with my parents I didn’t have the weight family tradition added into the mix. I have had to deal with the weight of their disappointment though at not having a “proper” career.
Poppy's Place in the Sun Page 19