“I do. It’s beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like it before.” She admired their ability to decorate their home both inside and outside. It was obvious that they had money and an ability to buy whatever they wanted, or needed, in life. She was envious of that.
“Shawna, did you know that Lee, Tiek, Stitch, Tex, and Mercury built all of this themselves?” Spocko asked.
She turned to look at him, surprised by his words. She glanced at Lee, who ran a hand along the wall of stone.
“Really? This is impressive, Lee. It must have taken you a long time.” She sat down on one of the chairs where Spocko was.
“It did take us a long time, but every stone, every ounce of sweat we poured into this house, this patio and garden, helped us to heal.”
“To heal?” she asked, feeling her chest tighten.
Lee turned to her and smiled softly. “We had all finally retired from the service after more than fifteen years. It was one of our last missions that did us all in. We didn’t think we’d make it out alive.” He turned away a moment as if remembering the mission. Her belly tightened. He turned back toward them and smiled.
“But, we did. Thanks to Keith and freaking Tiek. That crazy bastard came barreling into a sea of fire and bullets flying, like a goddamn superhero.” He chuckled.
Then he walked over and took a seat next to Shawna. “Your brother helped save his team that day. He wanted to catch Montoya so badly. When he got away, your brother vowed revenge. But the rest of us were just so damn lucky to get out alive. We figured the feds, the government would continue to try and catch him. It wasn’t our problem anymore. Our mission had been a success.”
“Keith wanted revenge on Montoya, the man who was helping to create that missile?” she asked. Her heart began to race. She didn’t want to think about the compound, about being abducted, held hostage, and assaulted.
“I think that’s what got him involved with the undercover job. That and of course Chavez’s pull to set Keith up. What a fucking mess. Keith must have known that Chavez found out about you.” Lee ran his fingers through his hair.
She was silent a few seconds, remembering that day Keith came to her.
“I knew something was wrong the moment Keith showed up. He looked tired, on edge, you know. He warned me that men might come.” She stopped talking, bit her lips, and looked away from them.
“You must have been scared then, and worried about your brother?” Spocko asked her. She didn’t look at him, or at Lee.
She lowered her eyes to her hands. “Keith would never place me in danger on purpose.” She felt her throat clog up. She was getting emotional, letting her guard down, and thinking about those men who grabbed her.
“Of course he wouldn’t. That’s why he came to see you and warn you,” Lee told her.
“Weeks passed before anything happened. Before that night after work,” she began to say.
“Is that when Chavez’s men grabbed you? On your way home from work?” Spocko asked.
She didn’t want to speak or the tears would flow or maybe she would sound scared and shaky. She couldn’t show weakness.
Don’t show any weakness.
“Shawna?” Spocko whispered. She swung her head to look at him.
“Don’t. Don’t sit here and try to force me to do something I don’t want to do.”
“That’s not what we’re trying to do to you. We’re simply talking. Just relaxing out here, by a beautiful sitting area that Lee and his brothers all built, all to get over their own bad memories and experiences from their service,” Spocko said. She looked at Lee and he stared at her straight-faced.
“We were a mess, Shawna. We were always on edge, always ready to attack.”
“I’m not attacking anyone.” She stood up.
Lee grabbed her hand. “Baby, if you talk about it, about what happened, it could help you heal and to sleep at night. Believe me, I know what it’s like to have nightmares, to suffer from PTSD. It’s a process.”
She pulled away from him. “I don’t need your help. I don’t need to relive it all. I just need to focus on Keith. Keith is most important.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest. She felt her body shaking. She didn’t want to go on.
“Of course Keith is important. I’m certain he’ll pull through, and the two of you can talk about things and make some changes in your lives.”
She glanced at Spocko. “That’s the plan. Nothing else matters,” she snapped at him.
“That’s not true. Your feelings matter. The fear you had, the fear you still have that’s stopping you from moving on, is just as important as Keith’s recovery,” Spocko said.
“Listen, there’s no need to go over it all. No need to remember the fear and the pain I felt from the moment those three men attacked me, grabbed me off the street, and knocked me out. I failed. It’s what led to the rest of it all.” She shook her head and looked out toward the grass. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to walk away but her feet felt as if they were planted in the ground.
“You didn’t fail. What makes you say that, Shawna?” Lee asked her. If Spocko had asked her, she would tell him to go to hell. But it was Lee. Dark-blond hair, his hazel eyes, and superb martial-artist body aroused her and made her feel safe. He had protected her from the time he burst through the door in the compound until now. She clung to him, had a need to keep him close to her for protection. He was why she didn’t run right now.
“Shawna?” Spocko said her name.
“I failed because Keith warned me to be careful. He left me a backpack, filled with money, a passport, and things I would need to escape and stay undetected.”
“That was a lot of pressure to put on you. To ask you to change your life for something you knew no details about,” Lee said.
She mumbled under her breath. “You think I’m weak? You think if those men hadn’t knocked me out after I broke one of their noses and took out the knee cap of another that I wouldn’t be capable of going into hiding? You don’t know me, Lee. You don’t know what Keith and I went through, what my life was like until that night.”
“So tell me,” Lee challenged her. She took a deep breath, feeling the anger at the memories invade her body.
“What do you want to know, Lee? About my fucked-up childhood? About being abused by my parents and hiding out in a cubbyhole to stay unharmed? Or maybe you want to know how capable I can be when pushed to the limit?” She raised her voice.
“Calm down, Shawna, we’re just talking,” Lee said.
“No, you calm down. You stop trying to force the issue. Stop trying to make me heal or confess all I’ve done wrong. I know I fucked up. I know I shouldn’t have let them grab me off the street. I should have followed my gut and took off before they could grab me. I could have fought harder.”
“It was out of your control. These men were professionals. Three against one? Come on, Shawna,” Lee stated.
“I should have made them kill me. I should have fought them and ran faster, and made them kill me so I never would have wound up in Mexico.”
“Baby, you fought as hard as you could.”
“No, I didn’t. I didn’t fight when I was dragged crossing the border. I didn’t fight when Cuadrone touched me, tortured me while I sat there tied to the chair.” She turned away and closed her eyes. “He played with my emotions. He whispered things to me when I was too exhausted to block his words or the touch of his hands. He made it seem like I would never get out alive, or be the same person again.”
“Is he who you see at night, while you’re sleeping? This Cuadrone?” Spocko asked.
She closed her eyes and sat down on the seat. “I can feel him. It’s so real. His fingers trailing down my arms, over my breasts, across my thighs. I feel it, I can smell him, the cigars, the sweat, the food odor on his uniform. I never hated anyone so much in my life. Even my parents who hurt me physically and emotionally, I never wished death upon them. But him, his touch, his ability to hurt me in ways no other human being
had done before brought me to the breaking point.”
“To the breaking point?” Spocko asked.
She looked at him. “I stared into his eyes. I felt the anger. The hatred consumed me beyond control and even though I pulled that trigger and took his life, he still has power over me. Power I’m just not capable of destroying.” She stood up and started walking away.
“Shawna, wait, don’t go,” Lee said.
“Leave me alone. Just please, leave me alone. That’s what I’m used to. That’s all I’ve ever known.”
* * * *
“Goddamn it, Spocko. Is this the way it’s supposed to go? Now she’s angry with me, with all of us.”
“Lee, from that conversation you got more information than you realize about what’s hurting her and holding her back. She’s always been alone. Alone as a child handling abuse even though she had Keith, he did leave her for the military. She’s lived her life afraid to open up her heart and trust anyone. Keith gave you the power, the ability to instantly gain Shawna’s trust the moment he gave you that password. Tiek told me about how things went down over there at the compound. She was abducted and beaten and then had to kill the man who taunted her and placed fear in her, all so that she wouldn’t die. She was held hostage for six days, and she may never share what these men did to her while she was there. She also watched her brother get shot trying to save her, and now he lies in a hospital bed and no one knows if he’ll make it. That’s a lot to handle.”
“Then there’s us. I can’t speak for the others, although I’m certain they’ll agree, but I’ve fallen in love with her.”
Spocko chuckled.
“Yeah, kind of had that feeling since Mercury called me weeks ago. She’s strong, and she’s special. That should be obvious by how mellow Mercury acts when she’s around. No one would know that man was the hardest, meanest gunnery sergeant in the Corps.”
Lee chuckled. He looked to where Shawna walked off to. “I want to help her. How can I help her to realize that she’s not alone?”
“By being there for her, and talking to her, building that trust she already seems to have with you.”
Lee raised his eyebrows. “Trust me? How can you think that when she just stormed off angry at me for pushing her to talk?”
Spocko smiled. “If she didn’t care about you and trust you, then she wouldn’t have you to lash out at. You have to remember, it was you and Tiek she first saw. You and Tiek who gave the password, who brought her and Keith to safety under fire. She cares about you, but she’s fighting herself and what she’s conditioned her life to be. Lonely, and with no one to count on but her.”
Lee shook his head and then smirked at Spocko. “You have a natural knack for this, you know that?”
“I do recall one soldier throwing a right hook my way for calling out his obsession with not feeling vulnerable.”
They both stood up. Lee laughed and placed his arm over Spocko’s shoulder. “You move fast for a six-foot-three old man.”
“Old man? Look who’s talking.”
They headed in the direction Shawna left, back toward the house.
Lee said good-bye and thanked Spocko for coming, and then Lee and Stitch went looking for Shawna.
* * * *
Shawna didn’t know where she was going, just that she needed to let off some steam. She nearly lost it in front of Lee and Spocko. To show such vulnerability was a death sentence. She needed to gain control of the nightmares and the feelings of fear toward a ghost. Cuadrone was dead.
She circled around the house and followed the pathway that led to the back patio and pool. There were big oval lounge couches that could fit three people at least on them, with rattan awnings to block out the sun. They looked so inviting, so she walked closer, slipped off her sandals, and sat on one. The sun felt good on her body, so she lifted her dress a little higher to expose her legs to the sun. So many times when she worked and went to school on days when the sun was warm and inviting, she wished she could ditch it all and just lay out and relax. She never bothered imagining herself on a beach somewhere. That was just never a possibility. Not with bills to pay and a degree to get. She released a sigh, closing her eyes and leaning back. She was really tired. Crying and getting emotional wasn’t worth it when there were things to get done. It was easier to not feel at all, than to have these emotions.
She thought about the conversation with Lee and Spocko. So they had some tough times when they returned from serving. Did they mean that building everything around the house helped to ease their fears, their PTSD? She couldn’t imagine men as big, strong, and superior as Mercury, Tiek, Stitch, Tex, or Lee needing someone like Spocko to help them. But at least they had him.
She thought about Keith, and then came thoughts about Mexico. It was a vicious cycle. And even though the men claimed to want to care for her and make her their woman, there was still the deeply embedded fear in her heart causing her to not let go. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there, but she was so tired, and this place, this lounge chair so relaxing.
“I can take you, play with you, anytime I want to,” Cuadrone whispered. She felt his finger caress down her arm, over her breast, then to her chin. She was shivering, so scared that he would do more. Each night he’d come to her, start off talking nicely, running his fingers through her hair, but the last two nights he went further.
She felt the heaviness of his body, as he pressed between her legs. She couldn’t push away from him, her hands were tied up and behind her head on some sort of chain in the wall. He looked at her, licked his lips, and began to caress her legs from ankles to thighs.
“Don’t. Please don’t hurt me,” she begged of him. He paused then reached further, under her shorts.
“When this is done, if he doesn’t want you, then I’ll take you. You will serve me well.”
The feel of his hands pushing higher, all the way to her groin nauseated her. His nails, dirty and sharp, scratched against her feminine skin. He was too close to where no man had gone before. Her virginity was hers to give to someone special, not to have taken from her, or ripped from her brutally, violently. His smell, cologne, cigars, sweat, and food, made her want to vomit. The shaking was fierce. When his fingers touched her mound, she screamed, kicked, and carried on.
* * * *
Lee and Stitch found Shawna lying on a lounge chair in the pool area. Her dress was pushed up her thighs and she was moaning, crying in her sleep.
“Damn it!” Lee exclaimed, running to her. The moment he and Stitch touched her, tried to calm her down, she began fighting them, then snapped out of it, gasping for air.
“You’re okay,” Lee told her. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and squeezed him hard.
“I’m not okay. I’ll never be okay. Make it stop, Lee, please make it stop.”
Lee looked at Stitch, who had a scowl on his face. He reached out and caressed Shawna’s back.
She climbed up Lee’s body, wrapped her legs around his waist, and held him tight.
“I’ve got you, baby. He can’t hurt you anymore,” Lee said and swallowed hard.
Shawna was shaking in his arms as he lifted her up and carried her into the house.
They made it to the living room where he sat down with her still straddling his hips. He caressed her hair from her cheeks and looked into her red, watery eyes.
“You need to talk about what happened. You need to let us in so we can all help you.”
She shook her head and tried to pull away, but he grabbed her hips and held her tight.
“No, Shawna. You need to face the fact that we all care about you and you’re not alone anymore. Why do you keep pushing us away? Why are you holding back and fighting our help?”
She stared at him, an expression filled with emotions.
Stitch caressed her arm.
She glanced at him and then at Lee. “I don’t know how to. I can’t let go, I can’t take the chance.” She sounded so defeated. It killed him inside to see her like
this. It broke his heart.
Stitch caressed her cheek so she would look at him. “Honey, you need to take the chance on us. We won’t hurt you, not ever. In fact, we’d do anything to keep you safe and happy. Don’t you feel safe and happy with us?”
She nodded her head as tears rolled down her cheeks. She covered her chest, above where her heart was. “But it hurts here.”
Lee reached up and cupped her breast as he placed his palm over her chest where her heart was. She covered his hand and entwined their fingers.
“I’ve conditioned myself to not let anyone inside. I’m so used to being alone. It’s where my strength is but it’s not enough to fight this. I thought I would be fine. If I just concentrated on Keith, I would be fine. But I’m not. I need you. I need all of you because in your arms is where I’m safest.”
He gently squeezed her breast as Stitched caressed her hair. “We’re here, baby.”
She shook her head. “I can’t let my guard down. I can’t open up and let you in.”
“Why?” Stitch asked just as Mercury and Tiek walked into the room and then Tex arrived.
“What if you hurt me, too?”
“Baby, we’re not going to hurt you. We want to love you. In fact, I know I already love you, and want you by my side forever,” Lee confessed.
She covered her mouth with her hand and tried to restrain the cry.
“We’re all taking chances, darling. The five of us have trusted only each other for most of our lives. We’d give our lives for one another, and we’d give our lives for you,” Mercury told her. Tiek and Tex moved around her now, too. She sat there and looked at them.
“You’re all stronger than I am, and more capable of handling things like this,” she whispered, holding Mercury’s gaze. He reached out and touched her chin, holding it between his fingers as he used his thumb to stroke her lower lip.
“You’re a survivor, honey, just like we are. It takes time, and we all dealt with our experiences in different ways, but we also worked it out with one another. That’s how close we are, and that’s what you’re part of now. Our team, our family, you’re the love we’ve searched for, thought we could never find, but now we hold here together.” He placed his hand over his heart and Lee smiled.
The American Soldier Collection 9: Password to Her Heart (Siren Publishing LoveXtreme Forever) Page 13