Jon didn’t get up till about ten, and I told him straight away. He looked up with them big brown eyes he’d got. I thought he might of cried or summat but he was well brave. He looked straight back at me and asked if he could go out and play football. I said okay, and he ran off out, and even though he didn’t show it and Mam wasn’t worth it, I could tell he was sad. I watched him go and meet his mates on the grassy area of the park. He was kicking the ball about but his head was down. He was a good footballer, moved dead natural. I was keeping an eye on him, though, but not just cause of Mam. He’d had some problems the last few weeks. It all boiled down to that he was the only mixed race kid on our close and there were no black ones at all. Some of the kids’d been calling him names – nigger, black bastard, and even Paki cause his skin was that coffee colour. Then they started chucking stones at him, which was going way too far. Mark’d lost it and went and waved a gun at the little shits. They didn’t do it again. Now they ran round Jon like he was King of the World. That was okay, I spose, but I did give Mark an earful about the whole thing. First, you don’t go waving guns at kids. That’s the sort of stuff what gets you the wrong kind of attention. But mostly it were that Jon didn’t need his sister’s mate to go wading in. He needed to take care of his-sen, or he’d never learn how and that wouldn’t of been no good.
Next thing I knew, me and Mark’d got it together again. Anyone could of seen it coming, I’m sure. We’d been getting closer and closer, then Mam left and I needed someone. She was a pile of crap as a mam and there was no way I wanted her back but it still left a space in my life. It’s hard to explain. I didn’t feel sad and wasn’t scared neither. It were more like summat’d been moved from the back of me, like a shield’d been took down so’s I could of got hurt or summat. And Mark was tall and warm and tough enough to make me feel protected.
He came round that afternoon after Mam’d walked off. I was still sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of tea and staring into space. I couldn’t get my arse into gear ner nowt. He came in and must of seen summat was wrong cause he sat down opposite me and didn’t say owt, just took hold of one of my hands. After a few minutes just holding my hand, he touched my cheek.
‘What’s gone off?’ he said.
The words came out like water from a tap, and I told him about my mam running off and everything I thought about it. Mark stood up then and came round behind where I was sat at the kitchen table. He rubbed my shoulders and I leaned forward to let him. Let it ease off all the hassle. Then he pulled me up to my feet and tried to hug me.
‘I don’t need no cuddles,’ I told him, pulling away. But I did, see, and he knew me well enough to know that. He pulled me into him and was a load stronger than me so’s it wasn’t much use resisting. At first I felt suffocated and choked by being squashed against him. Then I let it all go. Relaxed and let him hold me. Let him try and make me feel better. I had a good sob too, which I’d been resisting, but after it felt like summat’d gone, flown off into the wind. My whole body felt lighter, better. I knew it’d be all right with this big, strong man on my side. He’d take care on me, that were obvious.
Over the next week or so Mark held me a lot and I didn’t resist no more. It felt good to be cared for, to be close to another person. I’d missed that. My mam and mommar had given it me when I was little, and I got it from Jon if he was in the right kind of mood, but this was different. I was falling in love with Mark. I noticed my skin tingle when he came close, and I realised that if I thought about him when he wasn’t round it sent shivers all over me.
It were about a fortnight later when he kissed me proper for the first time in years. I guess what’d happened between us before made him hesitate, plus he knew my head was all messed up from that shit with Phil. We were rolling on pills when it happened, like that’s a surprise. Dancing in my front room about four in the morning, with ‘I Got The Power’ turned up full. We were going mad and waving our arms in the air. Then he grabbed me and it were different. He pulled me close. Then he kissed me.
We were soon in bed together. Before I started going with Mark, I’d never realised what sex could be like. With Phil it were all just clumsy tumbles, stuff what’d got him off and not me and I didn’t know no better to suggest owt else. Mark wanted the first time between us to be extra special so he got some powder. Pure MDMA, cut with nowt I can tell you from the way it sent us. He drove all the way down the A1 to this place in Essex to pick up a batch, get some to sell on too. The pills we were getting them days weren’t so good as they used to be. It were really hard to get proper decent stuff, what sent me and Mark hyper. We were too used to pills and, yeah, you could double drop and all that, but some of the things the pills were cut with made your tummy go funny. Mark laid a gram of the powder out on the dressing table with a big bottle of Lucozade Energy. We thought you’d take it the same way as cocaine, given it were powder, so we sorted it into lines like we’d both seen other people do. Then Mark tried to snort it but that hurt, so we dabbed big fingerfuls on our tongues and washed it down quick as we could cause the taste was nasty. Mark reckoned he’d burnt his tongue on the shit.
We laid down together and talked for a bit, waiting for the powder to kick in. Mark played with my hair, flicking strands up so’s they tickled my neck and shoulders. We talked about my mam and Jon, stuff we needed to do about it. Course, the inevitable happened and we were soon loved up, our jaws clenching and our heads filled with happy thoughts. Every inch of my skin tingled and his fingers felt like silk on my arms and legs. Sex is great when you’re rolling. You’re really up for it and have a load of energy so it gets pretty frantic. And your whole body feels orgasmic anyway, so sensitive and full of pleasure that trying to cum becomes a bit of a nonsense. And it’s more than just sexy. The pair on you move together, think together, and it’s all sweet as owt you could ever think of. If Mark and me’d of been pissed we might of forgot to bother with condoms or summat. But our heads were clear and sharp as normal and we were well careful. The first time we made love it were with me on top. And it were making love, not like when most people use these words. So much love neither on us knew what to do with it. Mark’s hands swept over my skin, making swirling patterns I could almost see. The path where his fingers’d been tingled, the feelings they left behind dissolving into me like sugar on a hot plate.
It’s too easy to fall for each other when you both use MDMA. A month on and Mark’d moved in.
FIFTEEN
When Mark walked up my path with that big suitcase it changed my life completely. His mum’d been dead against it, said I was too young for him and all that again. But Mark told her he was old enough to make his own decisions and there wasn’t much she could do about it. She could of gone and told the council that my mam’d ran off but she wasn’t no callous bitch. Besides, you did stuff like that round our way then people set against you. They broke your windows and phoned for cabs or pizza what you hadn’t ordered in the middle of the night. So she tried to persuade Mark not to move out but when she realised he was set on it she kept her mouth shut. The few months after that were the best in my life. It were like having a proper family for the first time. Mark was always there, and doing stuff round the place. He put up shelves, and mended Jon’s chest of drawers what’d been broke for as long as I could remember. Me and Mark and Jon, we were always together, a nuclear unit what no one could break up. Mark took much better care on us than anyone I’d ever known.
Mark and me cooked dinners. He knew how to use a pan and taught me loads about how to make stuff. Spaghetti bolognaise, chicken curry. His mam’d trained him well, I said. He made lasagna too, baked it in the oven with meat and cheese sauce. It makes me laugh to think of it now, how I’d never tried owt like that before. I thought it were the most delicious thing I’d ever ate. Mark told me all the best chefs were blokes so’s it wasn’t women’s work at all. He wouldn’t wash up though. And I wasn’t having none of that, I was no one’s slave. We bought a dishwasher so’s we didn’t
argue. It felt like we were a normal family. Cept of course we made our money a bit of a different way compared to most people.
We sorted the stuff we needed to. We didn’t tell the council Mam’d gone but searched out the rent book and made sure it always got paid in cash. Same with the bills. We didn’t have no money worries, not in our line of work. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t make as much as you might of thought – we weren’t exactly big fish. But we were comfortable, could afford nice stuff. We got a Playstation and a load of games, the best video player we could get hold of and a big telly. Jon had all the best stuff to play with, and the right trainers with the right name on them an-all. It made me proud to be able to get him them things. And living on the estate was ace. I liked the way people looked up to us, knew we weren’t to be messed with. I liked the park, right in front of the window so’s I could watch Jon play. It were other things too. Like the time Mark’d come back with a car he’d bought.
‘What d-yer want a car for?’ I said. It were a right old banger too, this green Datsun Sunny shit thing. I don’t know what he’d paid for it. ‘When do we use a car?’ I said. Mark shrugged. He knew I was right. We didn’t move from the estate as such, spent all our time round our house or at friends, or in the club at Six Ways. We went into town from time to time, usually more for work than for play, but more often than not we could get someone to give us a lift and, if we couldn’t, there wasn’t owt wrong with the buses what went from the end of Lindfield. Thing about round our way was you could swap stuff quite easy. It would of been a right pain in the arse to have to advertise the shitty car Mark’d bought in the Post and have people come by and look and tut and try and get you to put the price down. But by the end of the same afternoon, Mark had it swapped for a karaoke machine what we all loved, and it were fun to play when you’d took summat. Money wasn’t the only currency where we were. And we had plenty of currency to get any stuff we wanted.
That was a good summer. Maybes not as hot as the ones when I was a kid but the sun came out loads. I guess I looked on any bad weather we had with a light heart, thanks to being so in love at the time. So it were raining? I could stay in with my man, get trashed and make love. The rave scene got huge that year and they called it the second summer of love. It were my first though. Mark and me got up in the morning and drank real coffee, ate them French chocolate bread things. We had barbecues and invited over our mates, cracking open beers and charring meat on the grill. Mark bought steak, which he made us eat rare. I didn’t like it at first, the blood seeping out when you cut it with a knife, but I got used to it. Like a lot of stuff, it were an acquired taste. Sometimes me and Mark sat on chairs in the garden and sipped wine like we were a normal, middle-class couple.
Mark gave me a family life, summat I’d never had. In lots of ways I can look back now and say we were kids playing at mums and dads and there’s some truth in that. But it didn’t matter. We were happy. Even when we hadn’t took pills or owt we acted loved up like we were on one. I’d be loading up the dishwasher and he’d run in like a little boy and grab me, start biting at my neck. Or I’d see him playing Mortal Combat and I’d jump on him and we’d be snogging like crazy on the floor. It wasn’t about sex, none of it, it were kissing for the sake of trying to connect. I couldn’t help me-sen when I saw him, I just had to grab hold and he was just the same.
Course, with the rave scene kicking off like it did, there was loads of work on. It wasn’t just clubs no more, but huge parties in fields and warehouses. Thousands of people in the same place and all wanting to get sorted. That was my side of the business and I took care on it me-sen. Mark had his own bits and pieces to look after, the more hardline stuff. There were gangs what tried to take over and control all the dealing at the big parties so’s I had to be careful. But I was sneaky. Made it look like I was just another raver, in part cause I was. I had all the right stuff too, the long white gloves, a dummy to chew on when my jaw went all funny. I danced and blew on this whistle and had a great old time. Perks of the job.
I had this one close call. This big bouncer type came bowling over to me after I’d given this lad a pill. He thought he was well hard, and I’ll bet he was tooled up though he never got out no gun or knife ner nowt. I was quick about it and took hold of this bloke’s hand, made out he was my boyfriend. Course, you can do that at a rave. The bloke was loved up on pills and happy to cuddle anyone. The fat bloke left us alone then, said he must of got the wrong idea. I looked young still and I think that helped me. No one really thought a little gell like me’d be dealing. The bloke walked off and I put my dummy in my mouth, chewed on it.
Mark’d been smoking brown regular for ages, in joints and sometimes chasing, but now he was injecting it too. Mixing it with water and heating it on foil or a spoon, sucking up the nectar with a needle and shooting it up his veins. I watched him sometimes and summat weird struck me. The whole thing looked a bit like Mrs Ivanovich’s butterflies, the way they got pollen out of flowers. You could see what he saw in it too. The effect was immediate. Everything loosened and he’d slump in his chair, like the way I went if I was pilled and he rubbed my shoulders. You could almost see his cares lift off him and fly out the window. His eyes misted over, pools of rain I could of drowned in. He’d reach out for me then, hold me so gentle you’d think he wasn’t capable of hurting owt so much as a little ant on the floor. The way he held me then, I almost got a second-hand hit from his skag. I didn’t mind it back then, not really, it were just drugs and that was how we made a living after all. And I wasn’t worried about AIDS, despite all the gravestone-falling-over ads what’d been out, cause Mark never shared needles with no one. Thought that was well dirty. I wasn’t worried about him getting addicted neither cause it were way too late to be thinking about that. There are better battles to fight, ones you can win. When someone gets into heroin it pushes out their soul and shacks up inside and there’s no getting rid on it, not without tearing them apart in a nasty, painful way.
It were that summer I left school. I saw it out right to the end, but that was mainly for the business I did in the playground, I have to be honest. I got a few GCSEs though, which was more than most people at my school did. Biology, Chemistry and CDT. I loved CDT, making real stuff from wood or metal or plastic. Sanding the wood down so’s you could run your finger along it without even one splinter jarring against you. Covering it with varnish so’s it shone. Melting plastic and bending it into the shapes you want it. I even liked the planning bit, though most of the kids hated that and the class used to go apeshit round me. I let them, sitting with my paper, staring at the blank sheet. It were that moment I loved, the paper in front of you without no marks to spoil it. It seemed to me when I looked at that white space that owt were possible. Anything at all.
I was glad to leave, though. We all were. It were a shit hole, that school, plus the place I’d met Tyneside to the bargain. Mark helped me make hash cookies the night before my last day, another one of his mam’s recipes. I gave them out for free to everyone from my class at break time. It were like when you have a birthday in primary school. We ate them in the yard then went hyper. It were the hottest day of the year and the sun screamed down on us. We signed our names all over each other’s shirts so’s we’d remember them. Then we threw water bombs made from carrier bags all over each other, blurring the autographs before the day was even over. The gells walked round with their bras showing like a wet T-shirt contest. The lads made sure the blouses didn’t get chance to dry out.
What it were about that day what I loved so much was we acted five again. Like it were our first day at school and not our last. Before I’d ever gone to school, I’d run free round our huge backyard and the park out front, and even Mrs Ivanovich’s garden too like a wild gell. Then they’d made me settle and sit down at a desk. I’d never took to that, not really. I was free again when I got to sixteen, allowed to fly off and be wild. Course, it wasn’t like that for any of the other kids. Quite a few of the gells’d left already
, stuck at home with kids, just like I could of been. Then there was them from better backgrounds, with proper homes and mams and dads what were behind them. Most of them were going to do the Youth Training Scheme, working sixty hours somewhere for their dole money, a right rip off. For most of them this was their last chance to run round and throw water at other kids. I didn’t ask to be dragged into this world what I lived in, selling stuff round the estate and in town, but I have to admit there was some good things about it. It were a right high point, that day in the playground. I’d sorted my weird new family, and was running round like a kid. I was buzzing, but not from any drug. It wasn’t even the hash, it were a much bigger high than that’d of given me. Bigger than ecstasy, even the MDMA powder Mark sometimes got for us. It took me a while to work out what it were and when I did I laughed and laughed. I was happy, that was all, simple as that. Best high ever.
The sun beat down. My shirt clung to me, a mess of water and smudged ink. I ran. And ran and ran and ran like I was flying.
SIXTEEN
Feeling wasted became an occupational hazard for me. My job was offloading as much ecstasy as I could and to do that I had to rave my little head off. To stay awake and alert all night I needed at least a couple of pills me-sen. And besides owt else the E-plan diet kept me skinny, the way Mark liked me. All’s I wanted to do when I was on one was dance and have sex and stay up till the sunrise without eating owt. I have to admit I ended up snogging other blokes from time to time. Mark would of killed me and the blokes if he’d of ever found out, I know that. But the way I saw it I couldn’t help me-sen. You get so touchy feely and one thing leads to another. It were another hazard, that was all, and I’d be boggered if I was going to feel bad about it.
The Killing Jar Page 12