My appearance had changed, but fundamentally I was the same, or so I thought.
A grin tugged at my lips. “I could spot you from a mile away. You’re more beautiful now, but that doesn’t surprise me. You know the saying, everything gets better with age.”
“Oh, please, Holden. You don’t need to butter me up. I’m here aren’t I?” she gritted out.
For some reason, growing up poor had warped the way Prue saw herself. From the time we met, she could never accept a compliment and never believed me whenever I told her she was beautiful. Just like now. Her gorgeous, light-green eyes stared at me with emotion swimming in them. If she knew that I was marrying her because I loved her and didn’t plan to let her go, she never would have agreed.
“Don’t you have anything white or cream to wear? You look…”
Like you’re going to a funeral.
“I thought it was befitting the mood. Besides, it’s not like I’m a virgin. You saw to that,” she snorted.
Had Prue had other boyfriends since I’d left? I couldn’t handle the thought of her with other men. Just the thought made me see red.
I had made us wait until she was eighteen before we had sex. At the time, I thought we had the rest of our lives together, and Prue hadn’t wanted to wait.
Why did I fuck everything up? Everything I thought I’d done for the right reasons had blown up in my face. Could I have had Prue this entire time? Would she ever forgive me?
“When I used to picture our wedding day, it never looked like this.” Her face fell, and tears filled her eyes.
I desperately wanted to tell her that we could have another wedding someday. The one she dreamed of. She could have everything if only she stayed with me. “I’m sorry, Prue. You’ll never know how sorry I am,” I choked out.
“Are you sure you want to do this? Because you’ll have plenty of time to find someone after you get back.” She rubbed her hands down her pants and picked at some imaginary lint.
“I’m sure.”
My hands gripped the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white, sure that at any moment Prue would ask me to turn the car around and take her back to her house. Once again, we fell silent and didn’t speak another word until we stood outside the judge’s door.
Looking down to meet her gaze, I placed my palm on the small of her back. “You ready for this?” I asked anxiously. My heart skipped a beat waiting for her answer.
She bit her lip and looked down at her shoes, then without a word, she pushed open the door and stepped inside. Prue twisted her fingers together as I spoke with the sweet old lady who took our marriage certificate and ushered us into the judge’s office.
“I don’t get a lot of couples coming in to get married anymore,” Judge Street said with a kind smile. “May I ask why you chose this route to get married?”
Prue’s eyes widened, unprepared to answer any questions. I only hoped she wouldn’t correct me.
“Well, sir,” I clasped my hands behind my back. “I’m going to be deployed back to the Middle East in a couple of days, and we wanted to get married before I leave.”
“And how long have you been together?” he asked with a raised brow.
“Since high school, sir,” I answered, hoping he couldn’t tell I was lying.
Prue chewed on the inside of her cheek looking anywhere but at us.
“Well, I appreciate your service and would be happy to marry the two of you. All you have to do is stand right there facing each other. Now, hold hands and repeat after me.”
I was sure I repeated the appropriate words when they were supposed to be spoken, but my sole focus was on Prue and the emotion that built in her eyes with each spoken word. Tears threatened to spill down her ivory cheeks as I held her shaking hands in mine.
“Holden and Prue, by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.”
Leaning down slowly, I tried to express with my eyes we needed this to look real and for Prue not to freak out when I kissed her. The moment our lips touched for the first time in almost four years, my body flushed with heat and need. Prue stiffened under my touch for only a moment before her body melted into mine and kissed me back. As quickly as she thawed, Prue placed her hands on my chest and pushed me away. With pink cheeks she looked down at her wedding ring, eyes burning with emotion.
My thumb rubbed against the cool steel that now rested on my left hand. It looked right. It felt right. It was as if it had been missing all these years.
“I wish you luck on your tour and pray that you come back safely,” Judge Street said as he shook my hand.
“Thank you, sir.”
“I wish you a long and happy marriage,” he directed his words toward Prue. She had only said what was necessary during our vows and nothing more.
She spoke softly meeting his eyes. “Thank you, sir.”
* * *
Prue’s silence was going to kill me. We were headed back to her house after visiting a lawyer in Riverside, and she hadn’t said a single word since speaking to the judge. The lawyer who handled my inheritance had FedExed the paperwork that needed to be signed. In less than a month, Prue would have more money than she knew what to do with and would also be debt free.
She hadn’t read the paperwork. Not one word. She signed on the dotted line half a dozen times and then folded her hands in her lap while I spoke to the lawyer. It was like she was in a trance. I was afraid she already regretted marrying me. But really, I had no idea what was going on in that head of hers. The only thing I knew was that she was sad.
Pulling up in front of her house, I shut off the ignition and turned toward her. I wanted to touch her again. To pull her into my arms and never let her go, but I knew my advances wouldn’t be welcome.
“Are you okay?” I finally asked after another few moments of her staring out the window.
“I’ll be okay,” she croaked out and then cleared her throat.
At least she admitted she wasn’t fine.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked even though I knew she wouldn’t tell me. At least, not yet. I knew I had a lot of work to do before she’d open up to me and trust me again.
“I should…” She paused, lifting her head to look at her house. Tears filled her eyes. “I don’t even know what to do anymore. Who am I? I’m so used to working and taking care of my dad and now I don’t do either of those things. What do I do?” she shakily questioned.
“You can do whatever you want to do. Find yourself. Find what makes you you now. Look for a new house and then decorate it. Travel. Be happy.”
“I don’t know, Holden. It doesn’t feel right spending your money.” She glanced my way, her face still sad.
“What’s mine is yours. We’re married now. Trust me, you don’t need to worry about it. There’s no way for you to possibly ever spend all the money I just inherited.”
A sudden look of shock passed across her beautiful face. “I had no idea that your grandfather was that rich. I can’t believe you walked away from all that money before.”
“It was easy to do when they threatened your schooling,” I responded truthfully.
“I had no idea,” she whispered, her eyes large with astonishment.
“I only ask for one thing,” I amended, unable to look at her. I was afraid of what I’d see when I asked.
“Of course, you do.” I could hear the eye roll in her tone which made me crack a smile.
“I want…it gets lonely overseas. Since I’ve been estranged from my family, I have no one but the guys in my squad. I only ask that I can write you and get to know you again. Become friends. And that maybe you’ll write me back.”
“That’s not what I was expecting,” she whispered, brows pulled together. “I…you can write to me. I’m so confused by everything that’s happened this week. From my dad dying to you showing up unexpectedly, and now we’re married.” She shook her head, looking out the window. “It’s unbelievable, and I think I
must still be in shock. I’m still mad at you, Holden. So, so angry. You have no idea.” Fresh tears shimmered in her eyes. “I needed you and you were gone.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and held myself back from reaching out to her. “I wish I had been there for you, but I’m here for you now if you’ll let me. You only have to let me in.”
“I already did that once and look how that turned out. I’m not sure I can do it again.”
7
PRUE
Why was I so sad Holden was gone? I should have been used to him being out of my life. Why had I let him into my heart even the tiniest amount? Why hadn’t I pushed him away when I had the chance?
I spent my wedding night alone, crying in bed, and the worst part about it was the hopelessness in Holden’s eyes when I got out of his car and walked away. I felt like a huge bitch hurting Holden even if I was only stating the truth. I couldn’t promise him that I’d let him in. Not after all the pain he’d put me through.
Maybe I should have asked him to come in and fixed us dinner so we could hash out what it meant to be married now. But I didn’t want to have to talk to him. Every time I was around him, my emotions were all over the place. I felt like I was on a rollercoaster the entire time he was in any proximity to me. One minute, I was sad. The next angry. I wasn't going to lie; there were times when he made me forget about our past and my dad, which only ignited the rollercoaster once everything came crashing back down.
It had been a little over a month since we’d gotten married and Holden had left. He’d said goodbye from inside the car and then drove away. The look that was in his eyes haunted me every night in my dreams. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but it felt like he thought he’d never see me again. I hadn’t heard a word from him until today when I received a letter in the mail. I hadn’t read it yet because I was a coward. Afraid of what it might say and what it might not. It taunted me with his tiny script spelling out my name on the envelope, reminding me of all the notes he’d written me in high school.
With shaking hands, I slowly opened his letter.
Dear Prue,
It’s been one week since I left you, although from what I hear from the guys here, you probably won’t get my letter for close to a month if not longer. I hope that one day you’ll give me your email address, and we can write that way, or I can write you, and then it won’t take so long to get to you. I hate knowing if you write to me it might take me a month to read what you have to say.
As I said before, I left, I’m hoping to get to know you again and praying that one day you’ll forgive me for leaving and not speaking to you. I hope you know that I only left because I loved you more than anything and couldn’t let my parents ruin your future. Your dreams. When I went back to talk to you and you were gone, I knew I had royally fucked up. I checked to see if you were around the campus of Loyola but turned up nothing. I had no idea where to look for you. Then it took even more time for me to save up enough money to hire a private investigator and for him to find you.
I wish you knew how terribly sorry I am for leaving you and not being there for you when you needed me most. That I wasn’t there for you when you found out your dad was sick or to help take care of you while you took care of him. I would give anything to turn back time and fix us.
I hate that you felt you needed to move to get away from all the memories of us. If you’re like me, I’m not sure you succeeded because there’s not a day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought of you. You’re in my thoughts constantly. I’m always wondering what you’re doing or if you’re okay. Even more so now after seeing you. But I understand how hard it would be to turn a corner or walk into a store and remember. We were so good together, and I ruined us.
By now you should have the money to pay off all your bills, and I hope you’ve done so. You don’t need that stress on top of losing your father. I hope each day losing him becomes a little bit easier. Except losing you, I’ve never lost anyone close to me, so I can’t speak from experience, but at least I knew you were alive. As you know, I had only met my grandfather once, and then he passed away.
I know you didn’t agree to write me, but on the off chance that you will or someday will, here’s some questions to help me get to know you better if you choose to answer.
I know you said you moved away, so where did you go to nursing school at?
Did you finish nursing school (because if not you can always go back)?
Are you still in contact with anyone from back home?
Have you started looking for a house?
I don’t want to bombard you with too many questions, so I’ll stop there. If you do write me back, please feel free to ask me anything and I promise to answer. My email is [email protected].
All the Best,
Holden
Tears splashed freely onto the paper I still held loosely in my hand. Deep down under all his muscles and ink, Holden was still the sweet boy I used to love. I could see him in there when he’d been here, and after reading his letter, I was even more convinced. But how could I get over him breaking my heart? How could I forgive him for making a decision that drastically changed both our lives? How could I forgive him for leaving me?
Did I want to forgive him?
I had never been a person who craved tension or conflict. I was easy going about almost everything in my life except for Holden. I wasn’t sure there was any going back after what he’d done. I wasn’t sure if letting him into my life was going to mend the gaping hole he’d left or shatter the last pieces of my heart until I was completely broken.
I wasn’t naïve. I knew that if I let him in even the smallest amount, Holden would consume me if I wasn’t careful.
Not knowing what to do, I did nothing. I didn’t write back. I didn’t even think about Holden. Instead, I holed myself up in my room, under the covers, in total darkness.
8
Prue,
It’s been about two weeks since I last wrote, and this is the first chance I’ve had to write again. One of the other teams…you don’t need to know what happened to them, but damn it’s got me scared. I knew those men and how meticulous they were about their safety. What if I don’t make it home? What if I never see you again?
This is the first time I’ve truly been scared while here. Things are not good here. Each time we go out, we’re out longer and longer. Once we get back, it isn’t long until we’re sent out again. I’m not sure if they show an accurate depiction of what’s going on here on the news. I doubt it though because anyone who had friends and/or family here would be freaking out.
I’m sorry. I don’t want you to worry. That’s not what this is about. I just want to talk to you. To be able to tell someone how I’m feeling and get it out of my system. I know you didn’t believe me, but I swear you’ve been in my thoughts all these years. You’re still the most important person in my life and knowing how much pain I caused you keeps me up at night.
I don’t mean to pressure you, but please write me back. Even if it’s only to tell me to fuck off. Let me know how you’re doing. When I left, you were so despondent. If I could have come at a better time I would have, but I couldn’t stay away when I found out about your dad. I wish I could have done more for you, but I understand why you wouldn’t let me. Fuck, Prue, I’m so sorry. I miss you so much. I hope you’re doing better.
All My Best,
Holden
P.S.
Have you found a house?
9
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Email Address
Holden,
I’m still upset. I can’t help it, but it kills me to know that you’re over there and scared for your life. I don’t want you to have to wait a month to receive a letter from me so here I am, and I’m trying. If you need to talk, I’m here for you.
Prue
* * *
To: [email protected]
From: holdenmontgomery@
mail.mil
Subject: Thank You!
Prue,
You have no idea how much it means to me that you gave me your email address and to hear from you. Even those few words were enough. I needed something good to happen in my life today. I wish I was back in your little town with you, begging you to forgive me for being a stupid idiot. I wish I would have talked to you before I left after graduation. I have so many things I wish I could do over in my life.
I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past few years and after seeing you again, I think I know why you were so sad on that last day. I mean, I know you were sad about your dad, but I didn’t do right by you. I know I didn’t. Never did you imagine getting married by judge without any friends or family there. It wasn’t your dream wedding. How could it have been? If it makes you feel any better, it means more to me than you know and not because of the money. I don’t give a shit about the money. The only things in the world I care about are getting out of here alive and you. I only hope one day you’ll believe me and give me a chance.
Sometimes when I miss home, I sit outside and look up at the stars and wonder if you’re looking at them too. I know it’s not logical because of the time difference, but it helps me. If you ever need me, look up at the stars, and I’ll be there. At least in spirit.
I have to go. Duty calls, but I hope to hear from you soon.
Unsteady in Love: Fairlane Series #3 Page 4