“Does this mean you’re no longer mad at me?” His eyes brightened at the thought.
“I guess it does. I’m not mad anymore. Just worried about you. Promise me something, Holden. If you can’t or won’t talk to me, talk to someone. Can you do that for me?”
Holden looked down for a moment. I used to always know if he lied to me. Was he preparing to lie to me now? “How about if I promise you that I’ll try?”
“Is that the best I’ll get?”
“It’s the best I can do right now,” he promised.
“Okay, that’s all I can ask of you.”
“Thanks, Prue. Talking to you…helped. I l… I’ll talk to you soon.”
Then he disconnected. The screen was blank where he once had been, and instantly, I missed him.
Had Holden been about to tell me he loved me? More importantly, was Holden okay? Gone was the sweet boy I used to know, and in his place was someone I barely recognized.
After a few letters and one video chat, Holden had wormed his way back into my heart. He wanted there to be an us again, but would he break my heart if I let him back into my life? But hadn’t I already let him back in? I had a feeling Holden needed me more now than ever before, and whatever we were doing was going to get a lot harder before it ever got better.
12
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Thanks
Date: May 5, 2018 4:47 am
Prue,
Thank you! I got my package. You went well above what I asked for. Hell, you supplied the whole unit, and now they all love you. I’m constantly being harassed to show them a picture of you. Not in a million years am I going to share what you look like. Then you’ll have a squad of stalkers. Even if half of them are married.
I know you’re busy moving, but I had to write you after I got your package earlier to let you know I finally received it. I wanted you to know, I guess it takes even longer to get packages and for you not to worry. For the time being, I’m back sleeping and playing video games with the guys. One thing I’m not sharing is the food you sent. I’ve already eaten one of everything. Thank you again!
I hope the move goes well. Let me know when you get settled.
All the Best,
Holden
* * *
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: You’re Welcome
Date: May 7, 2018 9:35 pm
Holden,
I’m finally finished moving. Well, I still have stuff to unpack, but the house is livable, and that’s what matters. I only have time on my hands, so I’m not rushing the process. I’m wiped out and about ready to head to bed in a few minutes, but I wanted to write you a quick message.
I’m glad you got your package. I knew that if you could, you’d give all your guys packages, so I only did what you would have done. I’m glad everyone is enjoying them. Who knew new socks were such a luxury? Certainly not me. I’m not sure how well-preserved the food I sent is since it took so long to get there. I guess candy bars don’t go bad that easily. If you want me to send you anything else that will make your time over there easier, please let me know. Up until the move, I’ve been getting kind of bored and lonely, so I was happy to have a mission. And happy to help you in any way that I can. I’m going to go look at a litter of puppies next weekend. By then, I should have pretty much everything unpacked, or so I hope.
Did I tell you that Alex is spending the whole summer in Hawaii? Luke is filming a movie there and asked her and Mason to join him. I’m a little jealous. I’ve always wanted to go.
Talk to you soon,
Prue
13
PRUE
Do Dee Do Blup Blup Blup Do Dee Do Blup Blup Blup
I ran to my computer and hit video, plopping down on my bed.
“Hey,” I greeted Holden, slightly out of breath.
His answering smile was enough for me. It took some time, and I never found out what had Holden so upset, but it seemed he was finally out of his funk. It was nice getting to know him again. Much was the same, and he still didn’t want to talk about the things that weren’t. I wasn’t sure if it was because I’d gotten worried when he couldn’t contact me, and he didn’t want me to become more worried, or if he couldn’t talk about it. Either way, I wasn’t going to pressure him. If he ever wanted to talk, I would be there for him.
“Did you go look at the dogs today?” he asked, resting his face on his hand.
“I did,” I knew I had a dreamy look on my face as I sighed thinking about all the cute puppies. “I don’t know how I could possibly choose just one. I wanted to bring them all home.”
“Well, you have the room,” he laughed.
“That I do, but I don’t want to have to potty train that many puppies.”
“Did they finish the fence or is it still raining?”
“The fence is finally finished. I thought it was never going to stop raining.” I pulled the computer further up the bed and laid down.
With brows furrowed, he asked worriedly. “Shit, Prue, did I call too late?”
“It’s not too late. I just wanted to get comfortable. You look like you got some good sleep.”
“A little.” He smiled shyly. “Why do you have that look on your face that means you’re keeping something from me?”
I didn’t want to tell him, but I knew I couldn’t lie to Holden. Yet, I couldn’t get it out of my head either. “Holden, how would you feel if I told you that someone asked me out today when I was at the grocery store?”
I’d barely gotten the sentence out before his face turned red, and he looked as if he might explode at any moment. I think I got my answer.
“I wouldn’t be fucking happy, for sure. Why would some guy ask you out? Do you not wear your wedding ring?”
“How am I supposed to know why some guy would ask me out?”
Holden growled with his eyes narrowed on the screen.
“Do you wear your ring?” I returned the question. I had no idea if he wore his or not. We hadn’t talked about anything but getting married, paying off my debt, and buying a house. I didn’t know at the time if he planned to date during our marriage or what.
“Yes, Prue,” he barked out, holding his left hand up showing his wedding band on his finger. “I do wear mine. The real question is, do you?”
“Why are you getting mad at me?”
“Because you’re telling me that while I’m all the way over here, guys are asking you out! If you were wearing your rings, I don’t think that would happen,” he growled out.
“Well, for your information, I do wear them. But you know what, Holden, we didn’t talk about what this marriage would mean.”
“Would mean?” he interrupted. “Did you plan to date and screw guys through our entire marriage?”
“See, that right there is why we should have had a prenup or not have gotten married in the first place.”
“I was trying to fucking help you,” he growled loudly. I could feel the vibration through the computer.
I sat up, furious. “So, now you’re going to hold it over my head? I don’t think so,” I spat. “I’ll sell the fucking house, and I don’t care if it takes me the rest of my life, I will pay you back every dime. I don’t need you or your help.”
“Yes, you fucking do. I thought you’d hold our vows sacred,” he said the last words and his expression evolved from anger to hurt.
“Oh my God, this is why we should have talked.”
“I guess so,” he hissed.
“Are you telling me you’ve been celibate?”
“Of course, I have.” He looked at me as if I’d lost my mind. “Do you think I’ve turned gay? I’m literally around men twenty-four-seven.”
“Are you saying that if you were around women, you’d be having sex with them?” I grated out.
“Where are you getting these ideas?” he asked, eyes wide with bewilderment.
“Is it because you’ve been dating and having sex?”
“Yes, Holden, that’s exactly what I’m saying. While I’ve been grieving for my father, I’ve been out whoring around. I thought you knew me better than that.”
“It’s obvious we don’t know each other at all anymore,” he barked.
“Obviously, I’m done with this.” I threw my hands up. “Let me know what you decide. I can put the house up on the market tomorrow.”
“Why are you always so damn stubborn?” he shot back. “The house is yours. Stop trying to give it back.”
“Stop being an asshole and jumping to conclusions.”
“I only know what you tell me, Prue. Why bring up a guy asking you out if you didn’t want to make me jealous and piss me off?”
“You fucking asked,” I accused. “I… I felt weird that he asked me out. I can barely remember the last time someone asked me out. For you to insinuate that…” I shook my head, tears building.
“I know you’re not a whore, Prue,” he murmured, his eyes softening.
“Do you?” I snapped. “It certainly doesn’t seem like it. Why don’t you tell me how many women you’ve had sex with since you left town?”
He blanched, and I wanted to be sick. I knew it was wrong for me to expect Holden to not have had sex in all the years he’d been gone. Why did it matter? We weren’t together, although he certainly acted like we were. I didn’t understand what he wanted from me. Yes, Holden had hinted at wanting more from me than friendship, but that was the thing, it was just a hint. We hadn’t talked about it since then. I needed to stay strong. I couldn’t open myself up to him only for him to leave me in the dust and licking my wounds in two years. I had a feeling this time there would be nothing left of me.
“Prue, calm down. I don’t have much time, and I don’t want to fight over some misunderstanding.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When they opened back up, they were filled with determination. “Look, I know I wasn’t been very forthcoming with what I wanted or expected before I deployed, and I know I hurt you immensely when I left after graduation. That’s an understatement. I know because it nearly killed me to leave you, and when I came back, you were gone.” The pain he felt back then reflected in his eyes, making me feel my own. “I tried to convince myself it was for the best, but trust me, it wasn’t easy leaving you. I’ve had to live with myself knowing that I broke your heart.
“For the rest of my life, I will beg you to forgive me, to tell you how fucking sorry I am, because I am so fucking sorry. Every time I see your face, I’m reminded of making the worst mistake of my life. But then when you smile at me, I think I just might have a shot of winning you back. Because that’s what I plan to do if you’ll give me a chance,” he implored.
“Not once in all these years have I stopped loving you. Not for one moment. And there have been times when I’ve prayed that I could stop so maybe the ache in my heart would go away for even the tiniest amount of time, but how could I stop loving you when you were—are the best thing that’s ever happened to me? I couldn’t. It’s impossible, so I resigned myself to a fate of always being alone with a broken heart.” He shook his head, laughing bitterly.
“That’s where I’m at. I want you for forever. If you’ll have me. I told you we could divorce in two years, but only so you’d agree to marry me. I planned to have you so in love with me by that time that you’d never want to leave. I knew you’d never agree to marry me if you knew I never planned to let you go.”
My mind was blown. Never did I expect any of this. From the time we’d started talking again, this was the most Holden had said. Normally, he let me do all the talking. He encouraged it actually.
“Your life. My life. It’s all up to you. If you tell me to stay away and to leave you alone, then I will, but I really hope you won’t. I need you, Prue. Not that I’m trying to guilt you into anything, but now you know how I feel.”
“Holden,” I choked out his name in half prayer, half cursing him, “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll think about it. Really think about all I’ve said and search deep down in your heart for what you want. That’s all I can ask, and once you decide, I promise that I’ll respect your decision.”
“You make it sound so easy.” I wanted so badly to cry in that moment.
“If I have to let you go, it will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I did it once, and it nearly killed me. I…”
“I promise to think about it,” I interrupted him, afraid of what he might say next. “About everything you’ve said. Who’s to say you won’t want to leave me when the two years are up or even when you get back,” I confessed my fear.
“I say,” he vowed.
“It’s not that simple,” I argued.
“It is that simple. I know myself, and I know what I’ve felt and wanted for almost four years. I’m not going to change my mind. Don’t you want me anymore?” he asked the last on a whisper.
“You might change your mind once you have me,” I managed to get out. “I can’t go through you leaving me again. I won’t survive it.”
“Prue,” he called out with pain searing me from his soulful eyes, “I promise if you give yourself to me, I won’t ever let you go. When I said my vows, I meant every word of them.”
“I…” My throat clogged up, unable to answer.
“You don’t have to answer right now. I’ve given you a lot to think about. You had no idea I was feeling this way, and I’m sure it’s a shock to you.”
“It is, but in a good way.”
“I want you to be Mrs. Montgomery. To be my wife.”
“I already am,” I giggled.
“I want those things with you because you want them with me. Think about it for a couple of days. They’re sending us out again, but I’ll call you when I get back. If you don’t hear from me for a few days, don’t be worried. When someone dies or gets severely injured here, they blackout all communication until they can contact the family. It’s frustrating, but we understand. I know you wanted to know what a blackout means and now you know.”
“In a way that helps unless it’s you.” I laughed sadly. “Every time you tell me you’re out there where the bad guys are, I’m always worried. Just because you tell me not to isn’t going to change that.”
“Fair enough. Although I do wish you wouldn’t worry about me…” He looked off to the side and tensed. “Shit, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you soon. I love you.”
And then he disconnected without letting me say anything back. He’d said I love you so easily, and I didn’t even know if I could have said anything in response. It didn’t matter because he hadn’t given me the chance.
All I knew was that I had a lot of soul searching to do.
Could I give Holden my heart again?
14
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: I Want You
Date: June 11, 2018 6:11 am
Holden,
I want you. I want you so damn much it hurts that you’re not here with me. I hate that I can’t tell you in person, but I couldn’t wait. So, you better not break my heart again. I couldn’t sleep last night. My mind replayed everything you said on a loop. I realized that I’d always regret not giving you a chance. You’ve always been my one true love, and how can I throw that away? I can’t. Plain and simple.
I wanted you to know as soon as you got back. I can’t wait to see your handsome face again.
Today I’m going to pick out a puppy. I’m not sure if they’ll let me bring one home today or not. I hope so, that way my mind will be on something other than you out on a mission and worried about you.
I hope to hear from you soon.
All My Love,
Prue
* * *
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: I’m a Mother
Date: June 13, 2018 9:39 am
&nbs
p; Holden,
If you couldn’t guess from the subject, they let me bring home a puppy! He is the cutest and sweetest thing ever. He’s a mini Australian Shepherd and Pomeranian mix. I love him already, but how could you not with his big puppy dog eyes and sweet puppy breath? His name is Atticus, and I know you’re going to fall in love with him when you finally get to meet him.
Waiting to hear from you.
All My Love,
Prue
15
PRUE
The weather had been bad for the past two weeks, and Atticus and I needed supplies. I was down to the last can of soup, so when it finally stopped raining and flooding, I decided to venture out to go shopping. I hated to leave Atticus locked up in his crate, but I didn’t know how long I’d be gone and didn’t want to find pee spots all over the floor once I got home. I headed to Riverside because Fairlane's shopping options were so limited. Riverside had a PetSmart and Target along with a Trader Joe’s to get all my shopping needs completed. The only problem was that it was a little over thirty minutes away from my house, and when I finally finished shopping, the sky had darkened drastically. I thought the rain was done for the foreseeable future, but I guess I’d been wrong. There was a river running through the parking lot, but I thought nothing of it. I was ready to get home, put everything away, curl up on the couch, and read a book. Hopefully, later I’d hear from Holden, but I wasn’t holding my breath. I was barely a mile down the road when the sky opened up, and the road instantly flooded. The water rushed over my windshield, making it even more difficult to see. Turning my windshield wipers on high, I drove carefully, trying to stay away from the side of the road; the water that had built up in the undercarriage of my car threatened to overtake my steering.
Unsteady in Love: Fairlane Series #3 Page 6