“Fine,” he growled out. “I planned to not let you out of bed for at least a week, then I was going to take you on a honeymoon to wherever you wanted to go.”
“And then?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Prue. I’m a guy. I was planning lots and lots of sex.”
“Okay, let’s start with that then. Anywhere I want to go on a honeymoon?”
“That’s what I said I was planning,” His jaw ticked.
I hummed to myself. “Well, after listening to Alex, I want to go to Hawaii. It sounds perfect. If we left from here, it wouldn’t be that long of a flight.”
“I said I was…”
“What? You don’t want to anymore?” I knew my eyes were big and probably looked as if they might pop out of my head.
“This is what I’m talking about, Prue. You’re already disappointed in me.”
“Explain to me why the plan has changed.”
“Don’t be stupid, Prue. You know exactly why.” Each word was laced with disappointment.
“Because of your leg?” I questioned. Why did he think he couldn’t do anything anymore?
“Yes, because of my fucking leg. It’s fucking gone,” he shouted then ground his teeth together as he looked at me with furious eyes.
“Holden, you are going to walk again,” I stated softly. “No, you’re not going to jump out of bed tomorrow walking, but it is going to happen. Then you can do whatever you want, including going on our honeymoon and keeping me in bed for a month.”
He shook his head before turning to look out the window again. “You make it sound easy.”
“I know it isn’t going to be easy, but I know you and how strong and persistent you are. Don’t let this keep you down. The only way it is going to rule your life is if you let it.”
“You’re annoying. You know that, right?” He took a deep breath as he looked deep inside me for a long moment. “I know I don’t deserve you, but thank you for being here, Prue.”
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else. Thanks for finally getting your head out of your ass and letting me visit you.”
We sat quietly for a few moments looking at each other. I wanted to touch him desperately, but I wasn’t sure if he was ready for my touch. I knew it was likely that when I came back tomorrow, he might refuse to see me again, and I’d have to battle him again.
How many times would he try to push me away before he realized I was never letting him go?
I knew I had to steel myself for the inevitable hurt that was sure to invite itself along on this journey with Holden. My heart already ached at seeing how difficult this was on him, and I knew it would only get harder once he had to start therapy and get his prosthetic.
My fingers twitched at my side longing to reach out to him.
“What happened?” he asked quietly, his index finger traced along the top of my hand.
His simple touch made me want to cry, and I knew I needed to get ahold of myself.
I shrugged not wanting to answer him.
“Don’t keep to yourself. Tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours.” His quiet words spurred me on.
I took a deep breath and held it as I stared into his soft gaze. I needed to be truthful with him and not hold back. I knew that, but it was so hard when his emotional stability was at risk. Blowing out a deep breath, I hooked my pinky with his index finger.
“I was thinking about how many more times you were probably going to push me away and how much it hurt when you didn’t want to see me. I raced as fast as I could to Germany only to be told that I couldn’t see you. I don’t want to go through that again,” I choked out, a tear slipping down my cheek.
“Fuck, Prue.” My name sounded as if it got caught in his throat. Choked and garbled. “Come here.” His hands reached around me and pulled me up the bed like I had been earlier. I slipped my arm around his waist and held him as tightly as I could.
“Hey,” his hand ran down my hair and back, “I’m not going anywhere.”
Loosening my hold, I scooted up and buried my face in his neck, my nose running along the column of his throat as I took in his spicy scent that had somehow managed to stick with him even without his soap and aftershave. “You still smell the same.”
He chuckled and held me closer. “What do I smell like?”
“It’s going to sound silly, but you smell like home. That was my thought when you showed up in Fairlane. Warmth and spice.” I shrugged. “Home.”
“It doesn’t sound silly,” he replied his voice full of emotion.
I tilted my head back to get a good look at him. His eyes were closed, and his face was serene as he twirled a piece of my hair.
“I love you,” I whispered.
Holden’s eyes opened with fire in them. His hand that had been playing with my hair pulled me closer until our lips were only a breath away. His eyes flicked down to my mouth and back up to catch my gaze before he erased the distance between us and brushed his lips to mine.
Instantly, I was on fire. It had been too long since I’d been with a man and too long since Holden had touched me. “Holden,” I groaned out his name. My tongue swept along his full lips, desperate to get inside and taste him. He opened for me, and I dove in. Exploring every inch of his mouth, our tongues dueled and danced. My fingers tried to tangle in the short hairs at his neck, and when they were unsuccessful, my hands wandered along the expanse of his muscled back.
Pulling away, Holden nipped my bottom lip and then proceeded to lick and suck down the column of my neck and then back up to my ear. “Fuck Prue, you taste so damn good.”
“So do you,” I moaned as his tongue twirled around my earlobe. “You’re so much more.”
My nails scraped along his scalp as I ground myself against him. Not even thinking about how we were in a hospital room and someone might walk in on us.
“Oh God, I feel like a teenager.” I bit down on his shoulder to hide my moan. “I need your mouth.”
His lips came back to mine, swallowing my pleasure as I rode out my orgasm on his leg.
My hand slowly snaked down his body, getting acquainted with muscles that weren’t there years ago. My passion reignited with each ridge and ripple I explored. As my hand moved underneath the covers, a firm hand stopped my movement.
“Prue,” he warned.
My eyes flew up to see his face tight.
“Let me touch you,” I coaxed.
“Not today.”
27
PRUE
Holden growled, pulled my hands away from his body, and threw his head back against his pillow. It had been a week since he’d let me see him, and so far, he hadn’t pushed me away except physically. We’ve been like two teenagers dry humping in their parents’ home except in a hospital room. Well, I was the one humping him, and he let me have my way until I tried to move my touching south of the border. Each and every time, he would growl my name and pull my hands away. I couldn’t figure out why, and the one time I tried to ask him, I got the silent treatment, so I let it go for the time being.
I knew he wanted me. I could feel as his hard length poking me through his sweatpants, yet every time I made any attempt to touch him, he pulled away.
“You should probably head out to check on Atticus.” He leaned over and kissed my temple as if that would help ease the sting of his rejection.
“In a little bit. I love Atticus, but I only get to spend so much time with you.”
Holden made me leave every time someone came in to look him over, and after the first couple of times when he didn’t want to do anything but stare out the window afterwards, I learned to leave him to himself.
I couldn’t imagine what he was going through, and I knew it was a lot to come to terms with, but it killed me each time he shut down on me. Each time, I feared he’d push me away again, but I still had faith.
“You need to start taking better care of yourself, Prue. You’re too skinny. You’ve lost more weight since the beginning of the ye
ar. Grab yourself a big, juicy hamburger or a pizza.”
“How about I do that and bring you something back too? You’ve got to be tired of hospital food.”
I knew I needed to eat more and gain back the weight I’d lost, but it was hard when I was constantly worried. His gaze flicked over my face before he looked out the window. Fuck, he was retreating into himself again, and I hated it. I desperately wanted to make him talk to me but knew that wasn’t the answer.
“What’s wrong?” My fingertip traced along the tattoo that ran along the length of his arm.
Sighing, he blinked and looked back at me with a raw determination. I knew instantly whatever it was, I wasn’t going to like it. “I think you should go home. Back to Fairlane.”
“But I don’t want to go without you.”
“Prue, I don’t want to hurt you anymore, and I know that I am.” One hand clasped mine and squeezed. “I see how much it hurts when I can’t talk to you. I hate to do this to you, but I need to do this on my own.”
“But…”
“I need to do this my way. To keep my pride.” He looked up at me with his puppy dog eyes, and I knew I’d give him what he wanted, even if I didn’t want to. “It might not make sense to you.”
“It doesn’t. I want to be here with you, to support you. I never meant to wound your pride.” I teared up.
“Baby, you didn’t wound my pride. I’m doing that all on my own. I hate you seeing me stuck in this bed. Once the rest of my body heals, my therapy is going to start, and I’m going to get fitted for my prosthetic. I don’t know how to make you understand except to tell you that this is what I need to do. I have to do this by myself.”
“I hate your pride.” I pouted.
Holden smiled sadly at me, making me want to cry. “I’m not doing this to hurt you, but I know that if you stay, I’ll more than likely lash out at you. I don’t want you to see me like that.”
“But Holden,” I cried, wrapping my arms around his waist. Holden rubbed up and down my back while my tears soaked his t-shirt.
“I’m not pushing you away,” he murmured.
My head shot up, and I glared at him.
“Okay, I am pushing you away, but not in the same way. I promise to talk to you. We can talk on the phone and Skype or FaceTime, whatever you want, but I don’t want you here to see me struggling. When I’m done, then I’ll come home.”
“To Fairlane?” I asked hopefully. After him asking me to leave, I wasn’t sure what he counted as home.
Cupping my cheek, his lips tipped up. “Unless you don’t want me any longer.”
I pushed him down and hovered over him. “You’re the one who’s getting rid of me. Again, I might add. How do I know that once I’m gone, you won’t change your mind?”
“You’ll just have to trust me.” He closed his eyes as his face clouded in pain.
“If you love me, don’t let me go. Hold onto me. Don’t shut me out. Please, Holden,” I begged.
When he opened his eyes, they were shrouded in sadness. “That’s not what I’m doing, Prue. In the end, I’m trying to save us. I need you to do this for me. Let me have my pride.”
If I didn’t do what he needed, I knew it would blow up in my face. Even though I didn’t want to leave him, I knew I had to. Men and their pride. But what about my heart?
“Fuck you and your pride,” I murmured into his chest as he held me tighter. After a long minute, he pulled me up to look at him. I wanted to cry at the resolve I saw on his fac.
“I know it won’t be easy, but it’s for the best.” When he saw the look on my face, he amended his statement. “In the long run. I promise. We’ll talk every day.”
“And what, you’ll just show up in Fairlane someday?”
Leaning down, Holden ran his nose along mine and kissed my forehead. “I know it’s not what you want, but we’ll talk so it won’t be a surprise. If you want, you can come back right before I come home.”
“I wish we could have one night alone at the house before I have to leave. Not stolen moments between nurses coming in and out of your room. I want to touch you.”
I traced the pattern of his tattooed arm as I tried to come to terms with Holden wanting me to leave. I wasn’t ready to leave and be without him, but I knew that was going to be my reality.
“Even if I could leave, it’s probably not a good idea.”
“Why won’t you let me touch you? I don’t understand. You touch me. Take care of me, and yet I can’t do the same for you. I thought you wanted me.” I said the last on a quiet murmur.
“Fuck, Prue,” he growled. “I want you more than anything. I’ve fantasized about you for months. Hell, years! What I’d do to you once I got you in my arms.”
I’m here now.
“Then touch me. Do what you want to me.”
Tears formed in his eyes before he closed the windows to his soul, locking me out, once again. “I can’t.”
Before I could control myself, sobs racked my body. Holden held me to his chest as I cried for the life I could have had if Holden hadn’t left after high school, and I cried for him losing his leg. I cried for him pushing me away once again.
“Prue, don’t cry. I hate myself for doing this to you.”
Sitting up, I sucked in a deep breath as I wiped my wet cheeks, not once looking at the man before me. Getting off the bed, I gathered my purse and slipped on my flip flops.
“Do you need anything before I go?” I asked as I dug in my purse for the keys to my rental.
“Yes, I need for you to look at me,” he stated remorsefully.
I knew if I didn’t, I’d hate myself for leaving in a huff, but I was beyond hurt. I didn’t want him to see how badly he’d hurt me, although he knew. What were a few tear streaks when I’d been crying on him only moments before? Turning to him, I steeled myself. Who knew how long it would be before I saw him again? I needed to take in his rugged face. Memorize him.
Lifting my head, I stood strong as I looked into the eyes of the only man I’d ever loved besides my father. My breath caught in my throat at the tortured look on his face.
“Baby, come here. Please, don’t leave this way,” Holden said gruffly, holding his hand out for me to take.
I walked slowly over to him as if I might step in quicksand if I walked too quickly. When I finally got close enough, Holden sat forward and pulled me the rest of the way to him and up onto the bed.
“Hey, everything is going to be okay.” He pulled me closer and kissed my forehead. “You’re the only person I want to be with and the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. In the long run, what’s another month or two?”
“I don’t want to be away from you. Is that so hard to understand?” I whimpered into his neck.
“It’s not.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to be without you either, but I also don’t want you to see me struggle for the next stage of my life.”
“I understand, but I hate it,” I grumbled. “I hate to complain because this isn’t about me, but you want me to go back home where I’ll be lonely and without you.”
Nuzzling my neck, Holden sighed. “Do this for me, and we can start planning a honeymoon. How does that sound?”
“Better.” I placed my hand on his chest and sat back. “Are you planning on letting me touch you?”
Holden bit down on his full bottom lip causing me to do the same. He wasn’t sure, but why?
“I hope to. That’s all I can give you right now.” He placed his hands on top of mine. “Sometimes, I wish you’d just let me be,” he laughed bitterly. “I know you only ask because you’re confused, and part of that is because I don’t talk about it. I’m still coming to terms with my body and what it looks like now. I don’t really care about the scars that are scattered all over me, but…” Tears filled his eyes as he looked down at his legs. “This is a lot. I haven’t even gotten a full look at it yet. I’m not ready for you to see me like that. Does that make sense?” His eyes came to mine.
“It does.” I put my arms around him and laid my head on his shoulder, squeezing him tight. “I don’t have to look at your leg to touch you, but I’ll respect your wishes. I don’t want to make you do anything that will make you uncomfortable. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it for myself.” I kissed his stubbly cheek. “Thank you for telling me, and I promise to wait as long as you need.”
“Christ, I sound like a chick who isn’t ready to lose her virginity,” he chuckled, and a little bit of light came back into his eyes.
“All the same, I love you, Holden.”
“Feel better?” he asked putting his arms around me.
“Yeah, thanks. I feel like it should be me making you feel better.”
“You do. I promise. Now kiss me before you go because, even though I’m asking you to leave, I’m going to miss you like crazy.”
My hands snaked around his neck as I pulled him closer, our lips meeting as if for the first time.
Desperate with longing.
I was going to miss his kisses.
My wounded Marine.
The love of my life.
28
PRUE
“So, let me get this straight,” Alex wrinkled her brows in confusion. “Holden asked you to leave, but he’s not pushing you away?” I face planted into my couch not knowing how to explain. “Hey, sit back up, chica.”
Sitting up, I stared at her through my phone screen. “He doesn’t want me to see him struggle, and I get that, but it still sucks that now I’m back here in Fairlane and he’s in California.”
“I would have stayed if I were you,” she grumbled before taking a sip from a straw sticking out of her coconut.
“I thought about it, but I think it makes him feel better knowing that I can’t walk in on him at any moment. You know?” I choked up and bit my bottom lip.
“Long distance is hard when you love someone. I cried almost every single night being apart from Luke. It doesn’t make you weak just because you miss him. It’s normal, and it will make it all the sweeter when he’s finally there.”
Unsteady in Love: Fairlane Series #3 Page 11